OFF THE PERCH, Thriller, History (N! News) — The entire Internet melted last night as Michael Jackson wreaked celebrity revenge upon it, with Wikipedia, LiveJournal, Facebook and Twitter giving “service unavailable” errors and NewsTechnica getting another page hit.

Mr Jackson also got his own back on the media, with TMZ getting the scoop on his death and everyone else reporting it second-hand in a manner that showed they didn’t quite believe them.

“We are utterly distraught and inconsolable about Mr Jackson’s death,” said Sony-BMG, as Michael Jackson albums occupied the top fifteen positions on the Amazon CD sales chart.

The O₂ Arena will be running a thirty-night Michael Jackson tribute, with only fifteen minutes’ less Michael Jackson each night than was originally contracted. “People may wish to hold on to the tickets as absolutely irreplaceable final souvenirs,” said a spokesweasel, “rather than returning them for a refund or anything foolish like that.”

The Twitter and Facebook websites were rendered particularly crippled under a flood of Michael Jackson jokes:

• Why did Michael Jackson cross the road? He didn’t, he was dead.
• What did Michael Jackson say to the children? Nothing, he was dead.
• How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He doesn’t, he’s dead.
• What did Farrah Fawcett say when she heard Michael Jackson had died straight after her? Nothing, she was dead.

“I’m appalled at the fuss over Michael Jackson,” said Canberra taxi driver Peter Mackay. “So he died. Get over it. He’ll be back on Sunday, yeah?”

ASSCAP, Asscrap, Monday (NNN) — After its recent successes suing girl scouts over singing copyrighted songs around campfires, the American Super-Society of Composers, Authors and Performers has filed a brief in a lawsuit against AT&T arguing that its members deserve payment every time a mobile phone rings.

The owners of the musical compositions are already paid for each ringtone download, but this does not cover ASCAP public performance royalties.

“The musicians and songwriters are the true creators of objective value in society,” said ASCAP spokesdroid Ayn Rand. “They deserve your support. How would civilisation survive without Crazy Frog or the Nokia Tune? Which changes one note from the 1902 ‘Gran Vals’ by Francisco Tárrega, so is completely original and deserving of royalties.

“To this end, we are bringing suits against those individuals who, having purchased RIAA-licensed ringtones, do not then silence them when in public. Statutory damages of $80,000 should have a salutary effect on our coffers and, of course, our public image.”

Further lawsuits will then be brought against those who silence their mobile phones. “4’33’ by John Cage is a copyrighted work. Without the money going to his estate, he may never write another measured piece of silence again.” This will be followed by suits against those whistling or humming music in public, then those thinking about music in any form without a licence.

In support of their position, ASCAP pointed to vast public outpourings of sympathy from millions of people who never wanted to hear a tinny thirty-second burst of cheesy synthetic R&B coming from a phone ever again in their lives.

Z-LIST AVENUE, Desolation Boulevarde, Friday (N! News) — The long-awaited sequel Ghostbusters III is in preproduction, said the dribbling ass of Dan Aykroyd’s career.

“All the original cast have signed back up,” said Aykroyd. “Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Annie Potts, Ernie Hudson and of course Bill Murray. … When I say signed up, I don’t mean on paper, in any committed sense. But, you know. They’ve ‘signed up,'” he said, making air quotes.

“Bill was a little reluctant. Something about ‘rather drink crossed streams of my own piss.’ But a few dumptrucks full of cash backed up to his house should see him fully committed. Hopefully.”

Murray, who owns a controlling interest in the franchise, has thrown out Aykroyd’s original script, insisting one by Charlie Kaufman be used instead, in which failed parapsychologists in their sixties chase emotion-absorbing slime controlled by the Sumerian god of destruction through the existential caverns of their own minds as they attempt to reconstruct their lives and careers. And fail. “It’ll be laugh-a-minute,” said Murray. “I sure will be, anyway.”

“This is the best and most original idea in Hollywood this year,” said Aykroyd. “It’ll leave Blues Brothers 2000 in the dust.”

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