Category Archives: Education

Clegg “regrets” making actually testable promises

WINTER OF LOVE, 30 Millbank, Thursday (NTN) — Nick Clegg has expressed his “regret” at having made promises that actually involved testable claims, though not at breaking said promises.

Nick Clegg and crack pipe“I’m sorry, I’m still a bit new to all this POWER POOOWEERRR AHAHAHA COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT stuff,” said Mr Clegg. “We thought it was about promising nice things that people would like. Our manifesto is completely applicable in the real world, if you assume a perfectly spherical polity of uniform density in a vacuum at absolute zero.

“But Dave has been very helpful in explaining to us the ineffable theological nature of political promises, which occupy the magisterium of the heart and soul rather than anything that interacts with the crass material world. Apparently I’m supposed to tell you to have faith in our essential Liberal Democrat nature, and do it convincingly enough you’ll think we still believe in these ‘LibDem principle’ things even while we’re putting the most atrocious plans into motion. The way Labour did it.”

The Conservative plan to squeeze students until the pips rattle has been controversial. The evidence to students that voting doesn’t actually work has led to photogenic conduct in the streets, with one photograph being published on the front pages of nine separate newspapers. “The violence was appalling,” said Mr Clegg. “Property damage is of course the same as violence. We are LibDems, you know.”

Alternate plans include making up the deficit in tuition fees with a tax on advertising everyday tedious shitkicking jobs as somehow requiring a degree. “This may include 99% of all jobs by 2015.”

Mr Clegg celebrated six months of POWER AHAHAHAHAHA POWER with a small house party, to which 21,000 people were invited on Facebook and three showed up with bottles of homemade nettle wine, which they left behind unopened while taking home the nice stuff Nick had laid on. “What? No, Dave didn’t show up. The kid’s hair needed washing or something. He was very nice about it, though.”

London filled with evil witches, council warns schoolchildren

THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (NTN) — Northamptonshire children heading to London on school trips have been warned that they are at risk from terrorists, monsters, malevolent warlocks, Muslims, for’ners and people who read and have ten fingers.

Northamptonshire County Council issued an alert to all 349 of its schools warning of the memetic evil contained in the slavering pit of depravity in question. The council introduced the measure as the current ambient nonspecific fear level in Britain is “severe,” meaning a terrorist attack has happened in the past ten years.

“It is certain that, should any child be so foolish as to go near London, they shall be lured into a gingerbread house and boiled in the cauldron lickety-spit. Placing their parents in stocks in the village square before their children can be subjected to such horrors is part of the council’s duty of care.”

Head teachers have been ordered to inform the council’s Witchfinder General of any plans for visits to the capital. Parents who fill in permission slips for trips to London will be advised by the Inquisition of the threat of them meeting persons who are not quite our sort of people at all, darling, and given the option to withdraw their children or face the Question.

Mother-of-two Rachel Peace, from Kettering, said the council’s warning seemed “a bit excessive,” and complained of the expense of torches and pitchforks in school uniform colours.

Txt msgs hlp imprv chldrns rdng ablty

METRO RESEARCH DEPARTMENT, Carphone Whorehouse Beacon Academy (NTN) — Sending text messages and using txt-spk abbreviations can indicate successful development of reading and writing ability, a stdy hs rvld.

Crazy Frog gaggedThe study, crried out on a group of 8-12 year-olds over an academic yr, found that older children usd more txtspk. Phonological awareness — the ability 2 dtct & use patterns of snd in spch, such as for making & reading txt abbrevs — is 1 of the early sgns of successful dvlpmt of reading & writing skills.

Lst summer Baron Silas Greenback, of th Royal Institute Wine Bar & Restaurant, xprssd fears tht txting cld cause young ppl to hv shrtr attn spans, lower IQs & worsened dress sense, and that they might devlv to using Twitter or Facebook or playing video games.

Tchrs & stdts r divd btwn sayn itll be esr & sayn it cd dmg t Eng lang.

A-lvl stdt KT Myspce sd “Thts gr8! Ull be abl 2 gt ur ideas out qkr. Its so mch fstr u can go fstr.” But hr m8 Harriet Ponsington Literate-Bastard Smythe disagrd. “I think it’s an unspeakably beastly idea, my dear girl. When you start progressing in the world, people shall indeed judge you on the quality of your written language, and spelling things incorrectly seems sloppy and lazy and gives an unsuitable impression of your personal qualities and indeed of your self respect.” But t grls agrd tht txt dmgs ppls splng.

Prncpl Denis Trendy-Midlifecrisis sd: “While I wd nt encrg stdts 2 use txt abbrvs in xms, Im exctd by t lang devs. Its anthr dev in tht wndfl thng we call t Eng lang. Socty has 2 adapt 2 chg & I thk ult txt msgg cd hlp rslv t strngst pt of Eng, its splng, tho I thk it wll b sm tm b4 txt splg is fmly adptd.

“& @ l3@st,” he +d, “th3yr3 n0t wr1t1ng th3ir 3x@m5 1n l33t. X3pt c0mp 5c1. Gurl fubhyq or hfvat rot13 sbe gung.”

“& u tht ‘trnspttng’ ws hrd 2 rd,” sd authr Irvine Welsh.

Cameron: “Love of the common people” better for families, cheaper for governments

THE WILD EAST END, From Hell, Monday (NTN) — Children benefit more from a close family than mere wealth, education or material security, said Eton-educated David Cameron to think tank Demos yesterday evening.

“What matters most to a child’s life chances,” said Mr Cameron, “is the warmth of their parenting. Research I’m not actually citing shows that children from drug-ravaged households subsisting on a pound a week do every bit as well when raised with the style of parenting of upper-middle-class children in Surrey who go to public schools and ride horses in their spare time. Even if their accent is not entirely up to Oxbridge standard, what!”

The Tory leader was quick to emphasise that he did not think that poverty was irrelevant. “Of course there is a slight link between endemic city-wide grinding material poverty and a bleak, fraught existence with no opportunities to further oneself other than getting into gangs, crime and drug dealing. But I think it’s important to put the blame squarely on the parents, where it’s most cost-efficient.”

Mr Cameron said that “active intervention” was needed to help struggling families. “We’ll teach them a proper Cockney accent, not that debased gibberish they speak in east London these days. Can you see Dick van Dyke twisting his tongue around that? Obviously we need a flat cap subsidy. We’ll also teach them suitable dance routines.”

Demos had announced a year-long investigation into the subject of “character,” though not noting precisely who was paying them to do so.

School head: Boys should be “realistic” about careers and fatherhood

SOLANAS, New Dworkin, Friday (NNN) — Teenage boys need to be taught a heavy dose of realism: that it may not be possible to be a perfect father and a career man, says Jill Berry, head teacher of Sir William Harpur school in Bedford and president of the Boys’ Schools Association (BSA).

Businessman with strollerAbout four-fifths of pupils in BSA schools will have children. While clever boys should aim high, she says there is nothing wrong with them working part-time or not at all when they have children.

“A lot of our boys want to have it all. That’s fine, but we need to make them realistic. More men are going back to work early after having children. It can all work until their child is ill.There is nothing wrong with them saying ‘I need to work part-time’ or ‘I need support in order to enable me to work and have children.’ What we can do as teachers is prepare them to have aspirations, but not aim for perfection. We can help them recognise that life is about balance.”

Berry, who does not have children, said that unless boys were taught this, teachers were “in danger of betraying them. Priorities shift, but that doesn’t mean you’re selling out — you are facing reality and trying to be realistic about social expectations and what you can achieve and you should stop beating yourself up about it.”

Her comments come amid a raging debate over flexible working rights, particularly for men with families. The debate over getting men into the workplace continues. Last month fund manager Nichola Pease said many firms were put off from hiring men.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, told the Treasury select committee inquiry Men in the City that “the change we need is the change which recognises that for men to take time out with a young baby or to work flexible or part-time hours on return from paternity leave is going to be the way of the future. Of course, work musn’t interfere with keeping the house tidy, cooking a nice family meal every evening and putting out with at least forty-five minutes of cunnilingus each night and Sunday morning. Marital bliss takes effort.”

Watford Council saves children from parents

CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate.

Pripyat, Chernobyl ferris wheel“We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit staff!!!” said Dorothy Thornhill, mayor of Watford, in her ‘blog.’ “I bet the parents can’t say that!!!!!”

Ms Thornhill said this action was required by Ofsted regulations, despite Ofsted saying even they weren’t so stupid as this. “Everyone knows most assaults on children come from their own parents, not from bogeymen strangers!! Imagine what the papers would say if a child was snatched from the playground and brutally beaten and violated and killed!!!!!!!!! We would never hear the end of it!!!!!!!

“No, better two adventure playgrounds contain only our legitimate CRB-checked, DNA-stored and GPS-tracked supervisory staff and no-one else whatsoever!! than allow even one child to be harmed!!!!!!!!! Not to mention us. We have an election thingy coming up next year, you know.”

Ms Thornhill refused further comment, leaving to have fun on the playground equipment with the qualified supervisors, other councillors and senior council staff. “Bugger off. It’s ours.”

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Parents beg for mercy from Justin Fletcher

THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents’ welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher’s new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent.

“It’s vitally important,” said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children’s broadcasting, “that I use the full range of my ability as an actor — funny accents, pantomime drag and more funny accents — to educate and enlighten the children of Britain to their very first encounters with tired comedy tropes and decades-old clichés. I’ve also notified the BBC Trust that I’m fine with CBeebies being renamed the Justin Fletcher Network. And a knighthood next January.”

Forthcoming shows include:

    Mr Tumble with swag

  • Charlie and Justin — with Charlie (Mark Thompson) patiently putting up with the incessant babbling of his high-rating sister.
  • Tumblemory — in which Justin does his bad Scottish accent in six different wigs.
  • In The Night Justin — in which Justin runs around with a red blanket and sproingy hair shouting through a megaphone that it’s time for bed. The original title, In The Night Tumble, would have led to the show being rated N for “nightmare fuel.”
  • Waybuloo — “I’m sorry,” said Mr Fletcher, “even I can’t take enough drugs for this one.”

The dangerous expansion of Britain’s arsenal of intercontinental ballistic Justin Fletcher shows was made possible by the revelation that middle-aged suburban fathers are not covered by the provisions of the Geneva Convention. “As if Cerrie wasn’t bad enough. The bargain is, we put up with having this crap on all day, you give us eye candy. No, it’s not the gimp hand, that’s fine, it’s that fucking grin. What happened to Pui? At least we have her old topless shots. Lesbian punks wahey! I’ll put up with Cerrie for some gimp-on-girl action. Deal?”

Attempts to wrench toddlers away from the screen were futile, resulting only in the Makaton for “my cult masters will wreak their revenge upon your puny race.”

Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda

THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama’s back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text.

Verne P. Kaub: Communist-Socialist Propaganda in American SchoolsMr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free enterprise. “To hear this coming from a Democrat is obvious Communism,” said Glenn Beck on Fox News. “Obama is literally Stalin.”

“The speech was reasoned, sensible and apolitical,” said Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell. “This is just an attempt to propagandise Obama as sane and normal, not as the slavering destroyer of humanity we know he is. They might see what he actually looks and talks like, not just what Fox says about him! You’d think we were in socialist North Kenya.”

Others have protested that Mr Obama’s advice to students to stay in school will only increase the possibility of exposure to liberal propaganda. In Minnesota, the state’s Association of School Administrators recommended against showing the president’s speech. “He didn’t scream abuse off-camera, swear unholy vengeance against his opponents or burst into tears once! What happens if students see a politician being calm and low-key talking about the future? They’ll think that’s how you talk about political matters! They’ll think there’s reasonable discussion with the enemy, grey areas, moral relativism. It’s just a short step from there to death panels voting on Kenyan gay marriages.”

“He credited the XBox and iPhone,” said Sarah Palin. “This is a clear attempt to further the Marxist agenda of Democrat Party liberals who’ve used evilution to grow thumbs.”

A-levels outsourced to monkeys

GORDON OF THE JUNGLE, Watch Out For That Tree, Monday (NNN) — After a report by the Civitas think tank that “A-levels could be done by a monkey these days,” British students have been hiring monkeys to do their homework for them while they engage in healthy outdoor activities and social interaction, usually involving White Lightning and happy slapping.

A-level student ape in bikiniPopular students used to outsource their homework to the class nerds, but “the monkeys smell better and have better social skills. And don’t tell us to run Linux. They also hurl their poo accurately, not cackhandedly.”

A survey of sixth-form teachers confirmed the change. “The monkeys pay more attention,” said one, “have better handwriting, understand human speech better and don’t play tinny synthetic R&B on their phones in class. They prefer the theme from 2001.”

Online homework outsourcing monkey Anastasia de Waal, who consults at, said the problem was overstated. “The money flows from those who can’t do the work to those who can. The students are happy, the monkeys are happy, the exam boards are happy, our takeover of the earth from the inferior human race proceeds to plan, Civitas can just bog off. Look, it’s all in this A-level Economics report I prepared. A snip at twenty-five bananas. Organic fairtrade only, please.”

Newspapers were horrified at the report, saying monkeys wouldn’t look good enough in bikinis for the annual A-level student photos.

Wikipedia reaches 3 million articles, stalls and dies

WIKIALITY, The Tenderloin, Saturday (NNN) — The online encyclopedia, knowledge base, social networking site, essay repository, blog, search engine, news aggregator, dessert wax and floor topping Wikipedia has reached its three millionth article and ceased all editing.

Bouncy Wikipedia logoPalo Alto Research Center reported that only 1% of edits by random users were kept. “They were all unspeakable shit,” said burnt-out administrator WikiFiddler451. “All of them. No, I’m not exaggerating. Go to Special:Newpages and read a day’s entries some time. You’ll start by deleting the whole database, before you get onto plotting the doom of humanity. Christ, why go on?”

Recent media coverage has highlighted the “inclusionist/deletionist” wars of 2005, including enquiries from Endemol looking for a “passionate deletionist” to join Big Brother 11, “preferably one with big tits.” It is thought that Wikipedia could have had ten million articles by now had they not viciously abused their editorial powers by deleting your valuable contributions about you, your teacher at school, your garage band or your dog or the many cameraphone pictures you uploaded of your penis.

“Everything’s already been written,” said WikiFiddler451, burning the last of his Star Wars figurines before leaving for his rehabilitation course in social interaction skills and basics of hygiene. “Do you have any idea how big THREE MILLION articles is? A BILLION GODDAMN WORDS! Are you going to read more than a droplet of that in your life? No you aren’t. You’re following your goddamn Twitter.

“But hey, only two million articles are The Simpsons in popular culture or Doctor Who in popular culture. No-one actually reads this stuff, they just write it. We have LiveJournal for stuff people write that no-one wants to read. ‘Oh, I wandered lonely as a cheeseburger/ My passionate angst filling my Coke with darkness.’ Or Knol. KNOL! I’ll just Bing that one.”

Shell-shocked veterans of Wikipedia are at a loss now that it’s all over — wandering the alleyways of the Internet, mumbling to themselves about “ANI” and “we had to delete the village in order to save it,” threatening the policemen moving them on with “arbitration” and bursting into tears when the policeman answers “citation needed.” Mere children, sent into the culture wars to save knowledge from horrors they barely understood, and coming home as crippled wrecks. No victory parades for these brave men and women. There is only so much Citizendium, Uncyclopedia and 4chan can do for these child heroes. With your help, we can build Potemkin wikis for these honorable veterans, where they can safely ban and unban, revert and edit-war, and correct the naming of Danzig Gdansk Danzig Gdansk without the possibility of damage to actual human readers. Please donate so that they may never bug you again.