ASSOCIATED BLACKSHIRTS, Ninth Bolgia, Easter Sunday (Daily Mail) — Our reporter ROSS SLATER, who had dreams once, arrived at the REMOTE PLACE that a Mr. JESUS BEN JOSEPH had gone, to enquire about FISH and the possibility of BREAD.
He explained he was UNEMPLOYED and was strapped for cash and food and that his wife had left her job and was not earning. In an OUTRAGE against common decency, Mr. ben Joseph told him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, and that he trusted this apparently WORKSHY and PROBABLY DISABLED SCROUNGER.
From there the reporter simply joined the queue with five thousand other PARASITES upon good working people such as yourselves and got himself some lovely pilchard sandwiches.
After inviting the reporter to help himself, the volunteers irresponsibly wished him a HAPPY EASTER.
Senior Tory MP Brian Binley welcomed the investigation, saying he had “always been very suspicious” of food banks, being as he is a loathsome blot on the human gene pool. It is alleged (by the Daily Mail) that many of the leeching scum are ASYLUM SEEKERS, who should be living on air as Pontius Cameron has decreed.
Slater, who would kill himself if he wasn’t already dead, will next — after a pause to solicit pictures of little girls on Twitter — be investigating the NHS, where he will go through CHEMOTHERAPY on the public purse — for FREE! — just to prove what thieving bastards CANCER PATIENTS really are.
LOS ANGELES, Westminster, Judgment Day (Sky Net) — Prime Minister David Cameron has spoken of the “peace” and “guidance” he finds in roleplaying as a human, as Downing Street released Mr Cameron’s Easter message on YouTube.
Three times this week the prime minister has talked with conviction about his claim to be a member of Homo sapiens and what he believes humanity brings to the UK, hypothetically.
He said his “moments of greatest peace” occurred every other Thursday morning, when he attended his garage for an oil change and reactor core alignment.
Mr Cameron held a reception Downing Street on Wednesday, to which he invited actual humans. He thanked the humans for the work they did with the poor, at least insofar as it made up somewhat for his work against them, before slaughtering the lot in phaser fire.
In 2009, Mr Cameron told BBC One’s Songs of Praise: “I believe I am a human and should behave like one, at least on special occasions.”
He added, “I find a little bit of peace and hopefully a bit of gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-Rebooting. Checking drive C.”
THE RECTORY, Arsenal, Christmas (NTN) — The Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, has spent Midnight Mass, the second most important service of the year, talking about bumsex, bumsex and bumsex.
“Marriage between men and women shares in the creative love of God. Everything else is bumsex. Bumsex! Bumsex! Whatever you do, don’t think about bumsex.
“Also, gays are just icky. Possibly as icky as girls, we haven’t worked that one out yet. Perhaps bumsex …”
The Archbishop spoke at length about marriage and procreation, in his capacity as a lifelong celibate. “You can’t have children with bumsex. Apparently you can’t have that the other way around, either … Really? Are you sure about that one?”
He fiercely criticised the government’s plans to act according to all three parties’ manifestos. “Orwell gays mandate Stalin JACKBOOTS democracy HITLER HITLER HITLER. Who was definitely an atheist and not at all Catholic. Bumsex.”
Sang the carolers outside, “Weeeee wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ And a happy new arse.”
DOOM, Spawn Camping, Saturday (The Word) — The Lord God, the Creator of the Universe, offered His commiserations to every soul in His Creation that they had failed to reach the standard of faith required for Rapturing today.
Thousands of dedicated Christians were not uplifted bodily to Heaven, in a wave of Rapture circling the globe at six o’clock in the evening local time.
“The Manual is extremely clear on these points,” He said through His Voice, Metatron (“I keep telling you, I’m an angel, not a Transformer”). “You mix fibres, you eat shellfish, you defecate closer than a mile from the city, you sit on a chair that your wife has ever sat on when she was on her period. And you have completely ignored the detailed instructions in the first chapter of Leviticus on how the Lord likes His barbecue.” It shook Its head in exasperation. “You’ve had the Book right there, for years!”
Atheists, originally revelling in snide and superior schadenfreude, were more than a little chagrined by the actual Voice of God quite unambiguously revealing Its existence and telling the world what it had got wrong by direct communication into the soul of every human on Earth. Millions have now signed up for the Church of Reluctantly Conceding, All Right, I Have the Verifiable Proof I was Asking For, Just Don’t Get Cocky About It, Okay.
“Never mind,” sighed Metatron. “We’ll give it another go next December, all right? Just please read the blessed Manual by then. It’s not like it’s hard to get a copy.”
ONE INFINITE LOOP, Purgatory, Wednesday (NTN) — Neuroscientists have found that religious fervour lights up the same parts of the brain as waiting in line for your devotions at the Apple Store.
The scientists were interviewed by a BBC programme exploring the fantastically lucrative and popular brands springing up around the supernatural. Religions such as “Christianity” parody the story of the semi-mythical Steve Jobs’ virgin birth, adoption by a humble Silicon Valley family, founding of Apple, expulsion from the fold, decade in the wilderness and triumphant Second Coming, in which devotees were led to enlightenment, glory and hipness.
“We suspect religions may be memetic parasites latching onto the areas of the brain evolved to appreciate Apple products,” said one scientist whose name is being withheld for protection from outraged Apple jihadis. “The scans of ‘religion’ appear remarkably similar — the adrenal glands are stimulated and the same areas of the visual regions light up. Somewhat in the shape of an apple. No, really! Apple-shaped brain stigmata! I’ve contacted Cupertino with news of a miracle, and put the scans up on eBay.”
Cupertino’s response was frosty. “To have the sacred enlightenment of the products of our saviour Steve maligned by comparison to mere witchdoctor cultist mumbo-jumbo is no less than a calculated insult. One important difference is that our stuff works. … If you hold it right.” The spokesman then compared the neuroscientist’s mother to a PC.
“The comparison is ridiculous,” said “religious” leader Joe “Happy Heil” Ratzinger. “We’re just out to make an honest buck like anyone. Well, fairly honest.”
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Dibley, Saturday (TNN) — The Last Supper happened “in an unknown cosmic dimension, probably on a Wednesday,” says a professor of a subject that has nothing to do with theology, history or archaeology but does involve inhalation of heavy metal fumes.
Professor Colin Humphreys of Cambridge University says discrepancies in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke as compared with John arose because they used an older calendar than the official Jewish one. Also, that they were provably written decades after the purported fact and it would be amazing if they had any relation whatsoever to reality, let alone each other.
In his new GeoCities website PDF The Mystery Of The Last Supper: In Space!!, the metallurgist and materials scientist uses Biblical, historical and astronomical research to address the fundamental inconsistencies in his own head about the event.
“While Matthew, Mark and Luke say the Last Supper coincided with the start of the Jewish festival of Passover, John claims it took place before Passover. Furthermore, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation and separate trials could not all have taken place on one night only. This has puzzled Biblical scholars for centuries, or at least the ones who don’t know anything about Biblical scholarship.
“This could be explained by the canonical gospels being just four of about twenty allegorlcal narratives written a century later, but, as I explain in my book, it is much more likely to be due to a visiting Cylon battle cruiser beaming down Scotty in the TARDIS.
“I have concluded from my studies that the date this all occurred was 1 April AD33, which my materials science colleagues find amusing for some reason.”
Prof Humphreys will be releasing the second part of his revelatory work “as soon as I get another barrel of green ink in.”
SECURITY BROADWAY, Iron Curtain, Wednesday (NTN) — In the wake of Transport Security Administration staff forcing a “full pat-down” on a three-year-old child, Catholic priests have been clamouring to work for the government department.
The TSA, which has apprehended only slightly less than one terrorist in its nine years of operation, welcomed the new recruits to the fold. “We need people with experience in dealing with young people,” said TSA head John Pistole, “in telling people what to do and in making the innocent feel guilty. And the enthusiasm! They’re not your typical bored minimum-wager, no way! Also, they have better uniforms.”
Mr Pistole reiterated the patriotic duty that drives the TSA in their work. “Fondling little girls’ genitals is vital to protecting America from TERRORISTS. Remember: if TSA staff can’t finger your daughter, the TERRORISTS have won!” He then strangled a kitten for our photographer.
Cardinal Bernard Law returned to America from the Vatican especially for the opportunity to create government-funded child pornography with the new “naked” scanners. “It’s top quality stuff, too. The tears, the pain — the things that make this sort of thing really worthwhile.”
“They were nasty men,” said three-year-old TSA molestee Mandy Simon. “But it clearly demonstrates the iron necessity of the holy Jihadic destruction of the West. Allahu akbar! Daddy? I done a boo-boo.”
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, Holy Prepuce, Monday (Vatican Rag) — The cost of the Pope’s visit to Britain this week will be outweighed by the moral benefits, said the Church, not mentioning Belgium.
“Nobody knows anything about religion in the UK,” said Jack Valero, the spokesman for Opus Dei in Britain. “They keep going on about institutional corruption and systematic abuse of the vulnerable. It’s as if they don’t want to talk about spirituality at all! Obviously, the bigotry against the Pope’s visit is motivated by anti-Irish racism.”
Mr Valero insisted that the four-day event was a “great coup” for the British government that would bring “huge prestige and kudos. I can’t tell you how privileged you are to pay twenty million pounds to protect such a revered and respected figure. Just think of the crowds of tourists! By the way, we’ve got tickets cheap. I can give you a bunch. Over eighteens only, obviously.”
“We were rather disappointed he isn’t coming to Wales,” said Collette Owen, head of Bangor’s Our Lady Roman Catholic Primary School. “I mean, the raping children bit, that’s annoying. I do wish people wouldn’t bang on about it so — you’d think it was the most important thing about the Catholic church. And the bit where every single Catholic church in Belgium, with no exceptions, had a priest molesting children. But that would never happen here, I’m sure of it. No Catholic churchgoer supports that sort of thing. Except by giving them money and showing up every Sunday to be counted as members of the Church and give them the strength of numbers. How dare you imply we should be at all ashamed to sign ourselves up with kiddiefuckers. Bigot! Bigot!”
The Vatican offered last year to welcome into the Catholic fold discontented Anglican traditionalists who felt small and controlled amounts of raping children was reasonable, as long as they said they were very sorry afterwards.
DESOLATION BOULEVARDE, Whopping, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Terry Jones has called off his plans to burn a copy of The Times at Ground Zero tomorrow, after the paywall caught alight for half an hour on Friday afternoon.
Jones had planned to burn The Times because, he claimed, Rupert Murdoch would not rest until he had paywalled all of Google, including the remarkably lucrative Monty Python channel on YouTube. However, he was “rethinking” his plans after approximately everyone in the whole world suggested that just because it was legal might not actually make it a very good idea.
“We have made a deal with the thirty-three journalists still trapped down in the newspaper,” he said. “They will come out and Caitlin Moran will publicly recant her idiot piece from a few months ago about what an excellent idea the paywall was and how enormously pleased she was to be stuck behind it. Oh, didn’t you read that?”
The journalists have been trapped down the shaft since the first of July, and are being dribbled readers through a straw to keep them alive and focused and make them think there’s a point to being there.
“Of course, failing a recantation there will be a paywall conflagration that reaches the skies. All those lovely theoretical readers disappearing in a cloud of soot and cement dust! But I’m sure it’ll hardly be noticed and no-one will be upset.”
The “newspaper” was an ancient form of information distribution using cellulose pulp from crunched-up trees. It was popular in the early days of Google, when users would send written requests to the company enclosing a stamped self-addressed envelope and receive a reading list to take to their library, with an advertising flyer also enclosed.