Category Archives: Entertainment

Defence, Entertainment, Technology, United States

Apple saves world from Commodore 64 nuclear attack

1 Comment

DRAGON’S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter.

Atari 5200 Missile Command“Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a security risk to the iPhone and its users,” said Apple in a statement to the Library of Congress on copyright. “As such, it is absolutely vital for the safety of the nation that we vet every single application and collect 30% on each one.”

Apple software reviewers, who are generally moonlighting from day jobs as TSA airport security policy writers, fear a wave of 1980s-style “hackers” using the iPhone to “dial” into NASA or National Security Agency computers using the accompanying 300-Baud Acoustic-Coupled Modem application. “We had our suspicions when the app lit the user’s face from below in just the right shade of green to show off their cheekbones really photogenically.”

Reviewers were particularly concerned that the BASIC interpreter was originally written by Microsoft. “Of course, their security is famously terrible,” said one reviewer in a break from torturing kittens. “We’d probably get a Commodore 64 virus. And their sense of aesthetics! No way Steve would ever let that through.”

A similar Commodore 64 emulator that gives ten cents to AT&T every time a user runs a game has passed approval in two days.

“A strange phone,” said NSA correspondent “WOPR.” “The only winning move is not to buy.”

Entertainment, Japan, United Kingdom

BBFC refuses classification for Japanese horror film “Grotesque”

1 Comment

WHITEHOUSE, Your Happy Place, Wednesday (NNN) — Japanese horror film Grotesque has been refused an 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) because of its graphic torture scenes.

Japanese television mankini guysBBFC director David Cooke said it presented “little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. And no, that’s not a marketing feature.”

The plot is minimal. Two censors are snatched off the street and wake up shackled in a basement. With no explanation, a sadistic Internet degrades, tortures and mutilates them. The film features graphic dismemberment, extreme anal dilation, two girls and one cup. Special effects are apparently by Barbra Streisand.

The refusal of classification means it is illegal to sell or even distribute the film in the UK at all. “This will completely protect the UK from this filth, as people will certainly not ship in a DVD from Japan or get friends in other countries to burn a copy. Nor will they BitTorrent it just because it’s in the news and treasure their download of this odious lump of grot they’d have paid no attention to whatsoever except for us — oh, my promotional fee? Thank you! — and horror fans won’t swap it amongst themselves as if it’s precious. By the way, we’re in discussions with the Internet Watch Foundation about how to keep the BBFC relevant and well-loved in the twenty-first century world of Steampunk Britain.”

The BBFC has drawn criticism for allowing films such as the Danish horror Antichrist and the American “torture porn” films Saw and Passion of the Christ to be distributed in Britain. “But this is, after all, Japanese. I think I speak for all Britons when I say: Dear Japanese people, please — just stop it. Love, British people.”

Entertainment, Europe, Japan

Sony unveils less huge PlayStation 3

Leave a comment

GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, in the hope that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists.

Sony PlayStation 3 Black MonolithThe new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto your house, fitted with 13-amp 405-volt three-phase power. The new, more compact enriched uranium fuel rods are not supplied.

PlayStation chief Kazuo Hirai made the announcement at the GamesCom conference in Cologne, in a move widely seen as an attempt to regain momentum in the battle against rival Microsoft and put off having to ritually disembowel himself with a sword. “Our competition is absolutely the XBox 360. That’s the one to beat! Thank God they didn’t build hardware that worked, we’d have real trouble if they had.”

The PS3 has struggled thanks to its high price and lack of games, not to mention competition from the Nintendo Wii, which, apart from costing half as much, is actually fun. The Sony console did, however, have spectacular launches in Japan and America, with tens of fans queuing through the night to get their hands on the console, particularly with their Sony employee discount. The machines sold at only half the price on eBay soon after.

Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Mandelson fights back Internet pirate hordes

1 Comment

THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE, Steampunk Britain, Sunday (NNN) — Seven million Britons face having their internet connection cut off and fines of up to £50,000 as Digital Britain is implemented.

The home computer of 1954, with pirateLord Carter, the report’s author, has now left the Government for consultancies unknown. Lord Mandelson, who has taken over responsibility for digital policy, has been persuaded of the need for a tougher approach after entreaties from starving music mogul David Geffen, who was introduced to him by the Rothschild family. “He warned me in 2001 that these ‘MP3 players’ would lead to the downfall of civilisation. I understand iPods were popular in the City just before the Great Recession, you know.”

Internet piracy is estimated by the movie and music industries to cost them around £1.4 million billion squillion a year, ripped untimely from their generous artist-supporting pockets.

Critics have compared the proposals to King Canute, failing to turn back the tide. “So it’s up to the Government to supply the sandbags. We have an industry to defend!”

Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, will require Internet providers to record users downloading illegal content. The magical copyright detector, which the music industry just knows the ISPs are being obstructive in not enabling immediately, will be used to send a massive voltage up through serious repeat offenders’ Internet connections and into their chairs.

Labour backbencher Tom Watson said the sanctions would attach an “unbearable burden” on an emerging technology with the power to transform society. “Sounds just fine to me,” said Lord Mandelson.

Kerry McCarthy, Labour MP for Bristol East, will be in charge of the party’s Internet campaigning ahead of the general election. “Voters will increasingly be searching the web to find out what we think about the issues. If we haven’t cut them off.”

In other news, membership of the Pirate Party UK, launched earlier in the week, has been increasing at 100 new members per hour.

Entertainment, United States

Disney to film Diary of Anne Frank

Leave a comment

BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet.

Disney’s Diary of Anne Frank in 3D!Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family from the Nazis in the an attic in Amsterdam. “Love the story, love the themes, love everything about it, baybee, I spent a year getting the rights!” he said. “Don’t wanna change a thing! I’ve got my own original take on the material, of course. I’m going to re-frame the story as a young girl’s rite of passage. You know, from living to dead. Though the ‘dead’ bit is up in the air at this stage.”

Disney execs have granted Mamet complete artistic freedom, with only passing executive suggestions of Jean-Claude Van Damme as the SS officer who steals Frank’s heart and the voice of Jerry Seinfeld as her mouse companion, animated by the Pixar division. An additional scene includes Frank leaping a CGI shark.

“It’s gonna be the greatest thing seen on the Hollywood screen,” said Mamet. “I promise you’ll see every penny of the FX spend right there in fronna ya. When Dr Manhattan destroys Berlin … no, I don’t wanna give anything away on the record. Your people can do lunch with my people and we can discuss it then. Sequel’s already greenlighted! Love ya, baybee!”

Australia, Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Dannii Minogue quits Botox in favour of 240 volts

1 Comment

BRITAIN’S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles.

Dannii Minogue in wired-up robot formHer decision comes after public criticism for her alleged lack of facial expression on the X Factor, hence insufficient visible disgust with Simon Cowell.

Ms Minogue revealed in an interview that she is now ready for a more natural look. “Thor os so moch prossure on womon,” she told Aging Bimbo magazine. “Off you con bo hoppy woth yoursolf, thot’s tho morn thong.”

Her facial muscles will be operated using wires hooked to the same mains connection that powers the rest of her body. “Tho orms, tho logs, tho loght-op solocone brosts woth MP3 ployor. Ot’s oll good.”

Ms Minogue says almost everyone she knows has had Botox. “Oxcopt Choryl Cole. Sho’s not smort onough to work hor foce onywoy.”

She dismisses the notion that Botox use is somehow unusual. “To moy, Botox os no more onosoal thon toothposte. Thot’s whoy O tolk loke thos.”

Entertainment, Politics, United States

“Birthers” probe Obama’s alleged robotic ancestry

1 Comment

WITWICKY, Arctic Circle, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy continues over US President Barack Obama’s place of birth and Constitutional eligibility to be president, with even senior Republicans wondering if Obama is really an American citizen, or a Decepticon spy.

I, Robot“The birth certificate was falsely attested by Mr Obama’s mother and grandmother so that a custody battle would be heard in the US and not under the laws of Cybertron,” said Senator Optimus Prime (R-UT). “The plan was part of a conspiracy of communists, Muslims, Jews, Decepticons and French to take over the world with the coming of the Anti-Spark, who would magically transform into a 1961 Ford Fairlane convertible. With red and white pinstriping. Autobots will of course rejoin the Allspark in the Rapture, but the rest of you are fucked.”

When the Obama presidential campaign produced documentation, it claimed to be an extract of birth. However, it was not a full manufacturer’s certificate of live birth with original warranty certification and service log book. Experts who examined the image in high resolution accessed viral data that caused their brains to explode and their souls to return to the Allspark. This suggests to observers that Obama was really created in a lab on Cybertron and was later smuggled into Hawaii, before accidentally crashing into the World Trade Center in September 2001 during overly boisterous horseplay with another Decepticon.

Not all Republicans agree with the theory. “I myself was manufactured in the Panama Occupied Zone during the era of steam,” said Senator John McCain (RINO-AZ). “My boilerplates are certified 100% All-American. The Supreme Court has explicitly ruled that an American parent makes you ‘natural born’ wherever you were born. The President’s Irish heritage through Ann Dunham is no barrier to the presidency.”

Fox News presenters continue to trumpet the “birther” theory, for “the good of all Americans,” said pundit Michael Bay. “By doubling down on the most advanced and developed of patriotic theories, by driving the center of the Republican Party further down the path of righteousness, we are reshaping the party into a more radicalized community of that core of only the most dedicated Americans. All five to seven percent of them. Any suggestion this is all for Rupert Murdoch’s bottom line is scurrilous. So stay tuned to this channel! You never know what rabid lies you might hear anywhere else! We report, you decide! And now a message from our sponsors Blackout, Scorponok, Frenzy, Barricade, Starscream, Devastator and Bonecrusher.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Entertainment, Media, United Kingdom

Jordan gets her end in

Leave a comment

OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Sunday (News of the Screws) — Katie “Jordan” Price took HUNKY television cage fighter Alex Reid back to her hotel suite for a night of WILD SEX, according to a press release issued last night, hours after her previous press release denying they were together.

Breasts and their JordanAccording to the attached script, the GLAMOUR girl enjoyed her night of PASSION in a suite at Liverpool’s Malmaison Hotel with Reid on Thursday, with stage directions to emerge at lunchtime the following day grinning from ear to ear.

“They were all over each other earlier in the night,” said an anonymous source at her publicist. The night of LUST could be heard by fellow hotel guests, though some questioned the MOANING apparently replaying on a five-minute loop.

When she emerged from her ROMP, she was half an hour late for a signing session for her new novel Cubic Zirconia. After fifteen minutes’ patient explanation of which end of a pen was which, the ghost writer who did the actual writing sat down to do the signing as well.

Just over an hour later they left and headed to The Circle private members’ club where Jordan FELT Alex up, necked vodka from the bottle, accidentally neglected to expose her NIPPLES for minutes at a time and collapsed in a shambolic heap after a LESBIAN snog.

Estranged husband Peter Andre says he is “shocked and appalled. There’s actually someone more vacuous than me in the world, and I married her. Bloody hell.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Entertainment, Media, United Kingdom, United States

Michael Jackson “news value missing” at autopsy

1 Comment

CHILLER, Off The Perch Saturday (N! News) — Michael Jackson’s news value was missing at his autopsy, it was claimed last night. The front pages of all newspapers today showed a hole where an actual news story should have been.

Michael Jackson as a zombie in “Thriller”A witness claimed to have seen Jackson’s news story on an editor’s desk, saying: “The prosthesis the journalists normally attached to their damaged story was missing, revealing bits of tasteless synthetic papier-maché surrounding a small dark hole.”

It is believed that journalists “squeezing Jackson until the pips rattled” had so destroyed the 50-year-old’s newsworthiness that even Daily Mail readers thought their paper was going beyond the pale and perhaps, as famous as he was, the poor fellow could probably be left to rest in peace now.

“But we can probably tie in Katie Price’s breasts if we try,” said one contestant for a completely synthetic Pulitzer, “so to speak. Swine flu should be in there too, it’s pretty popular at the moment. Gotta rack up those web hits! From those thieving bastards at Google.”

Jackson’s personal doctor is now an official manslaughter suspect over his death, utterly reliable celebrity gossip sites have revealed. A toxicology report on Jackson’s body is set to be released next week, by which time this week’s baseless speculations as to his doctor, his children, his brothers and Elvis’ passing UFO will be completely forgotten in time for another “full house” of identical front pages on every paper in Britain.

Entertainment, Technology, United States

Microsoft announces handheld XBox

2 Comments

TURN 360 DEGREES, And Moonwalk Away, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has announced its long-rumoured handheld XBox gaming console, to compete with the Sony PSP and Nintendo DS.

Microsoft Zune powered by Chernobyl Red Ring“The GameBoy will be wiped out by this!” said marketing marketer Shane Kim. The console, to be named the ZuneX (“we wanted a really evocative brand that would set the tone straight away”) will integrate with XBox Live Arcade and the Zune music store and have phone capabilities.

“We’re also looking at instant-on, 1080p high-definition, Facebook, Twitter and Netflix deals, Project Natal, Windows 7, Internet Explorer 8, downloadable rings of death in every possible colour … nothing will hold a candle to the ZuneX. Google and Apple will be quaking in fear.” The E74 error will also be updated to E75.

The device will be two feet by three feet and weigh twenty-four pounds. “That’s an important feature. Wii Fit just can’t compete with the rippling abs the ZuneX will give you.” The device is fully portable within the length of the twenty-foot three-phase 415 volt power cable.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!