OUT WITH THE CHAPS, Hooray Club, Sunday (NNN) — Otis Ferry, son of singer Bryan Ferry, has been refused bail on charges of robbery, assault, perverting the course of justice and being an arrogant over-monied young twat.
His mother, former model Lucy Helmore, was worried that he was “without any clean socks and shirts” in prison, and that he will not be able to cope with confinement because he “loves the outdoors so much,” particularly the bits where foxes are ripped apart by dogs.
Mr Ferry was charged with assaulting a hunt monitor and stealing her camera and keys and threatening a prosecution witness on these charges, as well as being an arrogant over-monied young twat in general.
He has had visits from his equally talented and worthwhile friends Pixie Geldof, Jade Jagger, the Allen kids and one of the lesser McCartneys.
His mother added: “I think this whole thing has been politically motivated.” A spokesfox for the Metropolitan Red Fox Association called such claims of a fit-up “scurrilous” and denied allegations of a six-month surveillance operation by undercover urban foxes. “Is it ’cos I is red?” he added belligerently.
CUPERTINO, Transylvania, Friday — After bricking unlocked iPhones, kicking applications off the iPhone store that might even slightly compete with iTunes in the far future and filing a wave of patents on basic well-known computer science, Apple Inc. today filed a Form 8-K with the Securities and Exchange Commission declaring that it was openly adopting Evil™ as a corporate policy.
“Fuck it,” said Steve Jobs to an audience of soul-mortgaged thralls, “we’re evil. But our stuff is sooo good. You’ll keep taking our abuse. You love it, you worm. Because our stuff is great. It’s shiny and it’s pretty and it’s cool and it works. It’s not like you’ll go back to a Windows Mobile phone. Ha! Ha!”
Steve Ballmer of Microsoft was incensed at the news. “Our evil is better than anyone’s evil! No-one sweats the details of evil like Microsoft! Where’s your antitrust trial, you polo-necked bozo? We’ve worked hard on our evil! Our Zune’s as evil as an iPod any day! I won’t let my kids use a lesser evil! We’re going to do an ad about that! I’ll be in it! With Jerry Seinfeld! Beat that! Asshole.”
“Of course, we’re still not evil,” said Sergey Brin of Google. “You can trust us on this. Every bit of data about you, your life and the house you live in is strictly a secret between you and our marketing department. But, hypothetically, if we were evil, it’s not like you’re going to use Windows Live Search. Ha! Ha! I’m sorry, that’s my ‘spreading good cheer’ laugh. Really.”
BODDY MANSION, Hill House, Thursday (NNGadget) — iTunes 8, released with the new iPods on Tuesday, causes Blue Screens of Death on Windows Vista. Apple and Microsoft enthusiasts quickly fell to heated message board discussion of which company was to blame — but equally quickly fingered the culprit.
“It’s Linux. Gotta be,” said Xbox Zune (name legally changed from Bill Softie). “It’s the only suspect that fits the facts!”
The Suspect, Weapon and Location cards revealed were Linux, in the Basement, with the Emacs Macro. But the motivation remained unclear.
“Yes, it was us,” said seventeen-year-old Debian maintainer Hiram Nerdboy. “And we’re proud.” A faint ammoniated cat piss odour came forth as Nerdboy ranted his confession. “Your effete desktops are a drain on the minds of millions! Mental resources they could use to learn simple tools like Lisp and Haskell! Is time actually cubical in nature? Your 3D desktops and games and shallow interfaces hide the true power, elegance and beauty of the command line! One Dimensional Desktop, with infinite compactified dimensions hidden inside like string theory — intuitive and obvious! I wrote an Emacs macro that plays one of my Ogg Vorbis sound files any time I like! How is iTunes easier than that? 4 simultaneous 24 hour Days within only 1 rotation of 4 quadrant Earth! Educated evil and stupid! LINUX SHALL TRIUMPH! … I’m sorry, I meant GNU/LINUX SHALL TRIUMPH! Sorry, Richard. Sorry. Sorry.”
“Geez, dude,” commented Mac user and first-day iPhone buyer Arty Phagge, “get a girlfriend. You’ll feel better,” he said, sipping his latte before his appointment to touch up his Apple logo tattoo.
In a completely unrelated incident, a red Converse-clad daemon and a blowfish, carrying a flag, were earlier seen leaving Apple’s Cupertino secure facility, snickering.
VARIETY, Lack Of, Friday (N! News) — A tight Karl Rove script makes a hit of the Mouse’s new dramedy Babe, a Fox co-production, helmed by Ron Howard and starring Britney Spears. It’s done whammo box office in the Bible Belt in its first two weeks, despite a panning from Gotham critics.
The fairy-tale pitch — a moose-shooting PTA hockey mom becomes President — is played slickly, with a pretty but tough heroine who starts in small-town Wasilla, Alaska and makes it to the top with down-home determination, religion and integrity intact.
Other stars include the chantoosie’s sister Jamie Lynn as the heroine’s daughter and Russian chopsocky hero Vlad Putin as the final villain.
The flick was greenlighted as a rush production by the GOP shingle prexy John McCain, expected to leave some time in the next four years, originally as second feature to so-so sequel Scrooge McBush. “Plot doesn’t matter. It’s all about heart.”
Babe opened big but rival distribs are dubious about its legs. “We don’t think it’ll even make it to November,” said Obamamania! studio DNC. “It can’t. Can it?”
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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (N! News) — A-list Z-lister Danielle Lloyd, famous as that one who got kicked off Celeb Big Brother with Jade Goody and shagged them footballers and got her norks out and what was the other thing? has opened a leaked celebrity sex tape production consultancy.
“You have to make people care. Lighting, camera, sound, plot, distribution, publicity, not looking like some sort of tart, making sure you talk propah like …”
A recently leaked video shows Ms Lloyd naked, looking at and talking directly to a camera she was completely unaware of at the time. “That was never deliberate!” she said, speaking to the Daily Tits. “Phone cameras are rubbish. And that was two boob jobs ago. I just can’t believe anyone would stoop so low as to film me behind my back.” Ms Lloyd is “desperate” to stop the release of the tape to the Internet, which fans can help alert her to by comparing any alleged Lloyd nude footage to the samples available on daniellelloyd.com for £5.99 a download.
Ms Lloyd recently visited America, interviewing local official stalker candidates with the Daily Tits team and getting a “spiritual” tattoo down the back of her neck in Hebrew lettering reading “Idiot Gentile Bimbo.” She also got engaged to her boyfriend, DJ Sarcastik, and modelled her fabulous new diamond in several sets of thong bikini shots.
Ms Lloyd has also come out strongly against drugs. “They make you stupid, innit.” She recently appeared in her seventeenth celebrity nude calendar this year to support rehabilitation for chronic bottled tan snorters.
ROCK’N’ROLL HOLE OF FAME, Cut-Out Bins Worldwide, Thursday (N! News) — Lars Ulrich, drummer of Metallica, said they “welcome” the leak of their new album, Death, Stench Of, in MP3 form.
“It’s the way business is done these days,” Mr Ulrich said. “And there’s the novelty of anyone wanting to listen to a new Metallica album.”
The album was leaked after the band’s manager bought a copy at a French record store he had sent an early shipment to and then illicitly put online. Downloads are already in three figures.
The band will play two intimate budget-priced shows in London and Berlin to launch Death, Stench Of, including the opening show on September 12 at the new 17,000-capacity O2 World arena in Berlin — just outside in the car park, under the far lights. There will be a hat out for any offerings, tomatoes being welcome if not too rotten.
The single “Cyanide” has been offered to band members wishing to take themselves out of their misery.
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STENCH OF DEATH, Redmond, Wednesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has discounted the entry-level Doesn’t-Do-Much Xbox 360 to $200 from Friday, $50 cheaper than the Nintendo Wii. (This will translate to a £250 price point in the UK.)
“We are thrilled to be the first next-generation console on the market with a big ‘Microsoft’ logo on it to reach $199, a price that invites everyone to enjoy Xbox 360,” said Aaron Greenberg, marketing marketer for Xbox. He says this will cause a “smash and grab” mentality amongst consumers. “And not ‘grab and smash’ as they throw it out the window when it gets a red ring of death again.”
The models that actually play anything worth playing will, of course, stay at $300 and $400. “But history shows that more than 75 percent of all console sales happen after the price falls below the $200 mark. Which would be the PS2, PSP and DS … uh, forget I said that.”
Greenberg assures consumers that the new cheap Xbox 360s will not be refurbished red ring of death casualties. “Not all of them. Honest. However, twenty Xbox lifts every morning will be much better exercise than Wii Fit.”
Microsoft Japan is already actually paying people to take the machines, with little success. “We hope more people will be able to enjoy Xbox 360,” said marketing marketer Takashi Sensui, “and we can stop enjoying quite so many of them. We also have this fine pile of HD-DVD drives … Wait! Come back!”
Greenberg further assured consumers that “the Xbox 360 will kick the PS3’s ass every way from Friday, you wait and see.” Nintendo were unable to comment in time for this story as they were still too busy trying to make Wiis fast enough to keep them in the shops.
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TEH INTARWEB, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Aaron Sorkin, creator of The West Wing, has been contracted to write an awful, awful movie about Facebook.
“I can write funny and poignant television dramas and I can work a toaster,” said Sorkin. “So I thought, ‘how hard can this Internet thing be?'”
Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie will tell the story of how Mark Zuckerberg invented binary digits as a toddler and the web browser in his Harvard dorm in 2004, and how every single person in the world joined up by 2007 to play
Scrabulous Wordscraper. The planned sequel, to be filmed simultaneously, tells how Facebook solves conflict in the Middle East, cures breast cancer and, in Soviet Russia, pokes you.
Stars tipped for the film include Ben Stein as the history teacher with a heart of gold, Will Ferrell as the porn star with a heart of gold, Lindsay Lohan as the Myspace convert with a heart of gold, Keanu Reeves as the Wikipedia administrator with a heart of gold, Jessica Simpson as the idiot from high school who still sends you vampire invitations every week with a heart of gold and Adam Sandler as the Presidential nominee with a heart of gold. Uwe Boll will direct as the director with an ear of tin.
Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie will be released direct to YouTube in late 2009 and no longer be available shortly after.
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