SECURITY BROADWAY, Iron Curtain, Wednesday (NTN) — In the wake of Transport Security Administration staff forcing a “full pat-down” on a three-year-old child, Catholic priests have been clamouring to work for the government department.
The TSA, which has apprehended only slightly less than one terrorist in its nine years of operation, welcomed the new recruits to the fold. “We need people with experience in dealing with young people,” said TSA head John Pistole, “in telling people what to do and in making the innocent feel guilty. And the enthusiasm! They’re not your typical bored minimum-wager, no way! Also, they have better uniforms.”
Mr Pistole reiterated the patriotic duty that drives the TSA in their work. “Fondling little girls’ genitals is vital to protecting America from TERRORISTS. Remember: if TSA staff can’t finger your daughter, the TERRORISTS have won!” He then strangled a kitten for our photographer.
Cardinal Bernard Law returned to America from the Vatican especially for the opportunity to create government-funded child pornography with the new “naked” scanners. “It’s top quality stuff, too. The tears, the pain — the things that make this sort of thing really worthwhile.”
“They were nasty men,” said three-year-old TSA molestee Mandy Simon. “But it clearly demonstrates the iron necessity of the holy Jihadic destruction of the West. Allahu akbar! Daddy? I done a boo-boo.”
WINTER OF LOVE, 30 Millbank, Thursday (NTN) — Nick Clegg has expressed his “regret” at having made promises that actually involved testable claims, though not at breaking said promises.
“I’m sorry, I’m still a bit new to all this POWER POOOWEERRR AHAHAHA COWER BEFORE MY MIGHT stuff,” said Mr Clegg. “We thought it was about promising nice things that people would like. Our manifesto is completely applicable in the real world, if you assume a perfectly spherical polity of uniform density in a vacuum at absolute zero.
“But Dave has been very helpful in explaining to us the ineffable theological nature of political promises, which occupy the magisterium of the heart and soul rather than anything that interacts with the crass material world. Apparently I’m supposed to tell you to have faith in our essential Liberal Democrat nature, and do it convincingly enough you’ll think we still believe in these ‘LibDem principle’ things even while we’re putting the most atrocious plans into motion. The way Labour did it.”
The Conservative plan to squeeze students until the pips rattle has been controversial. The evidence to students that voting doesn’t actually work has led to photogenic conduct in the streets, with one photograph being published on the front pages of nine separate newspapers. “The violence was appalling,” said Mr Clegg. “Property damage is of course the same as violence. We are LibDems, you know.”
Alternate plans include making up the deficit in tuition fees with a tax on advertising everyday tedious shitkicking jobs as somehow requiring a degree. “This may include 99% of all jobs by 2015.”
Mr Clegg celebrated six months of POWER AHAHAHAHAHA POWER with a small house party, to which 21,000 people were invited on Facebook and three showed up with bottles of homemade nettle wine, which they left behind unopened while taking home the nice stuff Nick had laid on. “What? No, Dave didn’t show up. The kid’s hair needed washing or something. He was very nice about it, though.”
WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated “cyber attack,” in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for “cyber security” while still using Windows.
The simulation steadily reduced access to critical services to gauge how nations react, removing access to working email, letting loose old viruses and charging €300 callout fees to look at why you can’t log in.
Neelie Kroes, European commissioner for the digital agenda, said the exercise was intended to help expose short-comings in existing procedures for combating attacks on funding. “It is an important first step towards working together to combat potential online threats to essential infrastructure and the consulting fees therefrom.”
The exercise also tested how nations work together to avoid a complete shut-down of international links when internet service providers charge £50/month for a “super-fast” connection with a 20GB bandwidth cap.
The exercise was overseen by bouncing new baby quango the European Network Security Agency. “We considered just bombing Redmond, Washington from orbit, which simulations showed would have pretty much solved all attacks over the network itself,” said Dr Udo Helmbrecht, most recently of outsourcing firm EDS Capita Goatse. “But we’re not so silly as to put ourselves out of a job.”