HOLLYWOOD, Washington, Saturday (NTN) — The Pentagon has released the home videos of Osama bin Laden, “a collection to horrify and stultify the hardest heart.”
The tapes include bin Laden at Alton Towers with his children in the late 1990s, dealing with several screaming toddlers, shouting that if they did not behave they would be going home right now and there would be no ice cream for anyone and swearing that “this place and all such manifestations of Western decadence shall be scoured from the face of the earth.”
Others include shaky-cam video of bin Laden and family in front of the Twin Towers in New York, in which video he clips one of the kids around the ear for being a brat and swears a similar oath of destruction, and a tediously-narrated clip of one of the children using the potty for the first time.
Middle-aged fathers the world around viewed the clips in tears and came to a new understanding, deep within their hearts, of the forces driving radical jihadism.
The Pentagon hopes to study the films for security information. “Another video shows him watching the tape of the child on the potty,” says a spokesman. “From his face, we suspect the next Al-Qaeda target would have been the Sony factory in Japan.”
A spokesman for Alton Towers noted that, as Satanically cursed ground upon which no joy could grow and which was invulnerable to the slights and arrows of mere pathetic mortals, the amusement park would remain open and operational for this summer and all summers for the foreseeable future. “Muwaaaahahahaha,” he added.
CHRISTIANABAD, Pakistan, Monday (NTN) — President Barack Obama has announced that the hydra has been conclusively beheaded by US forces in Pakistan.
Mr Obama said it was “the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat the hydra. We can all rest safe now.”
The hydra’s head was buried at sea, to prevent the grave becoming a shrine. “But trust us — we got the actual hydra, all right. You know how good we are with getting this stuff right.”
World leaders expressed their relief at the hydra having been utterly and completely stopped by cutting its main head off, except those party poopers at Hamas who dared suggest that there was something quite important about hydras and cutting their heads off that had slipped their minds for the moment.
For many, the bigger question is whether, in the longer run, the hydra’s organisation can survive. “The absolutely final and complete really truly killing of the hydra puts the group on a path of decline that will be difficult to reverse,” said the President.
“I suddenly feel much better about America and no longer have any thoughts of revenge whatsoever,” said one Afghan teenager whose entire family had been killed as collateral damage by a US bomb. “U-S-A! U-S-A! Coca-Cola! Fox News!”
US citizens are encouraged to apply to hold official celebratory street parties, under the close supervision of the Department of Homeland Security and the Transport Safety Administration, so that their freedoms may stay protected.
“Mission accomplished!” said Accounts Receivable at Halliburton. Donald Trump, meanwhile, demanded the long form death certificate.
FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA.
The drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be “ecstasy,” allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to “open up more,” put aside their differences and unite in the spirit of cosmic human oneness.
“MDMA seems to bring people into the optimal zone and help them process things and not be overwhelmed by their feelings,” said Dr Michael Mithoefer, whose scientific studies never seem to be short on volunteers. The study required overnight stays and all-day therapy sessions, at a steady and relaxing 105 to 110 beats per minute.
The drug problem in Afghanistan remains severe, however, with reports of people’s ketamine drinks being contaminated with aloe vera. President Hamid Karzai has asked for $13 billion in aid, but notes that an E, or even two, is way cheaper than a night on the piss.
The next field of action for the Army will be back home in the UK, where the Ministry of Sound’s attempted extortion letters to alleged downloaders via ACS Law will be dealt with in a thorough, professional and, most of all, conclusive manner by several thousand squaddies somewhat annoyed at them harshing their mellow.
GUTEN TAG, Wii Geht’s, Monday (NTN) — Sony has proudly announced a Playstation 3™ Holiday™, where all users are advised to go outside and play in the sunshine. “Have some fun! Talk to a human! Party like it’s December 31st, 1999! Amazing 3D rendering!”
The company had long battled in public perception with Microsoft’s Xbox 360 and its enthusiastic customer base, many of whom were onto their second or third 360. “Their turnover has been incredible. Doing at least as well is a matter of honour.”
Sony has also given the PlayStation Network a well-deserved break, its fifteen subscribers being encouraged to partake of the joys of meditation and deep contemplation of the nature of reality and solitude. “Cancelling your Trophy Data teaches that all is maya, or illusion. Through reliving the 2000s on your PlayStation again, you have been given a fresh chance to attempt to transcend this immaterial plane and reach … Nerdvana.”
The Full-Motion Vacation™ has been extended to developer debug console machines. “There’s enough games. Really, how many games do you need.”
Sony have not announced an end date for the “much-needed” break, but hope people will enjoy it. “Read a book! Watch TV! Count on your fingers! To 8,001,050! Or whatever it is you people do! … How about a nice game of chess?”
PROFESSOR JOBS’ SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS, Shenzhen, Sunday (NTN) — In its annual supplier report, Apple has admitted that its Chinese factories have employed children to build its gadgets. “Ones with a particularly refined sense of aesthetics.”
Apple revealed the sweatshop conditions inside the factories it uses. The child workers were found in a facility with high vaulted ceilings, elegantly crafted marble work benches and a classical quartet playing in the background in a corner of the floor. Young geniuses sat in their Aerons and levitated components into place with the powers of the mind, burning the famed Apple logo into the back of the assembled device with but a glance of terrifying but controlled power. Some lunches, with only an hour’s break, would involve wines of less than ten years’ vintage.
Competitors were outraged. “We are shocked, shocked to hear of Apple’s ruthless exploitation of the chilll-drennn,” said Steve Ballmer of Microsoft. “But then, what do you expect when they actually ask their suppliers about this stuff. Don’t ask, don’t tell! That’s what made the 360 great!”
Apple’s Chinese manufacturing facilities were the site of controversy last year when one young worker at Foxconn, who had teleported an iPhone home overnight, was found to have committed suicide by leaping from the top of the building, first breaking his own neck, and tearing out all his own fingernails on the way down. He was found with Apple logos carved into his back, obviously also self-inflicted. “A tragedy,” said the report.
REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces.
Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the country has signed. “But I’m sure we can deal with that in due course,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, “particularly once the fundies have gotten the votes in. There’s one of those ‘election’ things you people are so fond of coming up, you know.”
Proposed amendments include having to ask nicely and not slapping a bitch too hard afterwards. Non-marital rapists will be required to pay “blood money” to girls injured during a rape, before the girl is of course stoned to death as an adulterer.
General Sir David Richards noted that British military involvement in the country may last decades. “This is what our boys are dying for. Half a century of legal rape is a small price to pay for truth and justice for all men.”
The US and Britain invaded Afghanistan to deal with the Taliban and “bomb them back to the stone age. But it looks like they’re already there, which saves us some time.”
AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan.
The code notes that “suicide attacks are not ‘right on’ and the Prophet probably wouldn’t have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good and sincere friends with them, like that nice Mr Blair did so well.”
The code of conduct is similar to a previous document that emerged in 2006, and covers many topics:
- “Mujahideen should not injure civilians or damage civilian property, even ones who won’t donate to a worthy cause like the Taliban’s work to bring about the Islamic Emirate, unlikely as that seems.”
- “You certainly shouldn’t do anything horrible like sever ears, eyes, noses or lips. I mean, come on, that’s just icky.”
- “Also, holding hostages for ransom — I mean, who does anything awful like that? Perish the thought.”
- “Selling drugs isn’t nice either, even if it would be profitable. Remember, crime doesn’t pay!”
US and Afghan military officials have dismissed the document as propaganda. “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Islamist plot we have ever had to face,” said Lt. Cmdr. Christine Sidenstricker, U.S. military spokeswoman in Kabul. “Never trust a Klingon! Particularly an Islamist one!”
The Taliban is also likely to attempt to disrupt the forthcoming Afghan elections. The code of conduct explains: “Our brethren may be taken in by the well-meaning and plausible, but unfortunately misguided, American strategy. Please gently explain to our compatriots why such silliness is probably best not encouraged, and our American friends should instead be gently encouraged to find more meaningful things to be getting on with, perhaps at home. And that any Afghan voting in the elections will be impaled in the public square with the word ‘PIG’ written across his backside and his family slaughtered. Er, you didn’t write that last bit down? Good, good. Carry on!”
THE WHITE HOUSE, Tehran, Sunday (NNN) — Controversy reigns after the Iranian election on Saturday, in which incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected with a landslide 63% of the vote and returns from all districts precisely matched Government pre-poll predictions.
Mr Ahmadinejad credits his win to democratic methods perfected by George W. Bush. “We fully understand the international community’s desires to see that Iran’s democracy transparently works to the highest standards found in other nations. Mr Bush’s work has been exemplary.”
The “hanging chad” technique has been particularly effective. “Rounding up opposition voters, politicians and journalists named Chad and hanging them. In those cases where the opposition insurgent was not named Chad, we of course took care to change their names to Chad posthumously. Democratic procedures must not only be observed, they must be seen to be observed.”
“I stand one hundred per cent behind my brother Mahmoud,” said Supreme Leader Ali Khameini Rove of the Project for a New Iranian Century. “Occasionally with his mouth moving in time with the movements of my hand. Clever, isn’t it?”
Mr Ahmadinejad has been condemned by some as a “lunatic redneck” and “a gibbering madman perilously close to the nuclear button.” “These charges are most unfair. When I declaimed the necessity of obliterating and deleting the unnameable Zionist entity with cleansing atomic fire, it was implicit in these statements that we would need to reach a resolution to undertake such action through proper procedures of international diplomacy. Mr Bush’s excellent work in decapitating Saddam Hussein’s odious regime shows the way forward in this regard.”
“We stand in solidarity with the Iranian people,” said President-in-Exile Al Gore from his cave high in the mountains of Afghanistan. “For my own part, I will never give up the fight to take back America and Iran from the Republican counterrevolutionaries and will not rest until all Americans and Iranians breathe the free air of socialism … what? Democrats elected? Huh, next you’ll try telling me the President’s black. You can’t fool me! Back where you came from!”
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INIQUITY, Macau, Tuesday (NNN) — Kim Jong-nam, the eldest son of North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, has confirmed reports of his younger brother Kim Jong-un succeeding his father, in an interview with Japanese NTV.
“The appointment of a successor is totally my father’s decision. Jong-un is certainly the man for the job. Chip off the old block, he is. Who wouldn’t want to inherit somewhere in as good shape as North Korea? Fantastic past, fantastic present, fantastic future. Who wouldn’t choose military parades and announcing a 30% increase in mud pie production over drinking, whoring and gambling? I’m sure there’ll be no war crimes trials for the lucky fellow in the hot seat when the hollow shell collapses. Because it won’t, of course. And isn’t hollow. We just feel the rest of the world isn’t ready to share the bountiful socialist wealth flowing from our policy of Juche. Of course!”
Kim Jong-nam denied reports he had defected or was living in exile. “Macau and China are great places. Not as great as North Korea, of course! No, no. I just like it here.”
There has been much speculation over who would follow Mr Kim, who is thought to have suffered a stroke last year. North Korean officials were reportedly told to support Kim Jong-un after the North’s 25 May nuclear test. “Certainly I haven’t heard of any purges or midnight executions of perceived supporters of mine. Because I’m not seeking any. Or the job. No, no, Jong-un’s your fellow. Fabulous bloke. ’Scuse me, just got to look up departure times for planes to Xinjiang Province, or perhaps deepest Siberia. Lovely to catch you, must do lunch, love ya babe!”
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SHAOLIN, Bangkok, Thursday (NNN) — Actor David Carradine has been found dead at age 72, quite definitely of a tragic suicide or horrifying murder, in the closet of a Thai hotel room with a rope around his neck and, apparently, other initially-unspecified parts of his body.
Tributes poured in from around the world as publicity was issued talking about his depressions and suicidal thoughts. Police were initially seeking Uma Thurman for questioning. However, they have now determined they will be neglecting their duty, slanderously putting the death down to an unfortunate and embarrassing misadventure on the part of Mr Carradine.
“We are shocked and appalled,” said his management. “These insinuations are an unacceptable slight on Mr Carradine’s noble character. There was, after all, no tangerine present. It is clear that Ms Thurman snuck into his room, stopped his heart with a series of one-inch punches, cunningly arranged his body and edited his Wikipedia entry such as to defame his memory.”
The estate of Michael Hutchence will be suing, on general principles.