Times prepares to shake off parasites

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Times has previewed its new paywall system, to keep readers, search engines and other criminals from using it to download cars, to the sound of champagne corks popping at the Guardian, Telegraph and BBC.

Rupert Murdoch as GollumThe newspaper will now require payment of £1 a day for its unique and high-quality editorial viewpoints, as taken from the Sun and rewritten in big words. The site also blocks anyone under 18 from registering, in order to keep the paper’s quality demographic aging nicely.

“I firmly support this move,” said everyday citizen on the street and certainly not Guardian editor at all Alan Rusbridger. “In fact, it should be ten pounds a day. Ten pounds a story. Then people will really see it as high-quality merchandise and not rewritten press releases and news feeds with Mr Murdoch dictating the editorial page.”

“It’s ours,” said James Murdoch, frothing slightly. “You thieving bastards steal our copyright every time you save a copy into your heads! Well, we’ll fix your little wagon. It’s a pound a day plus a pound a copy behind your eyes plus a pound a copy you talk about with anyone else plus a pound a copy just fucking because. It’s for me and Dad and you can just fuck off. And when we buy the BBC we won’t let you watch that either. Arseholes.”

“OK, the champagne is Thunderbird Sparkling,” said Mr Rusbridger. “Times are tough, you know. But I have complete faith we’re on the right path and the Times is doomed. I told ’em, I told ’em. Spare fiddy pee for a Polly Toynbee column? God bless you, sir!”

“I am one hundred percent behind paying for quality journalism,” said free culture activist Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “That’s why I just gave fifty quid to Wikileaks.”

World ends with Torygeddon Lite

THE SEVENTH PERFORMING SEAL, London SW1A 0AA, Tuesday (NTN) — The Queen has booked eighties revival alternative comedy act Dave Cameron to entertain the populace with nostalgia for yesteryear, with special guest Nick Clegg as slapstick fall guy.

“Torygeddon Lite” opens tomorrow at 10 Downing Street, bringing you an authentic cheap imitation of those wonderful days of the 1980s that made Britain what it is today:

  • A general atmosphere of doom and futility producing SLIGHTLY BETTER punk rock, though without the promise of flaming nuclear death at any moment. “Obama just isn’t up for that sort of thing, though we’ll see what Mrs Palin can do.”
  • SOMEWHAT ANNOYED MINERS, now working in call centres, doing protest reenactments for old times’ sake.
  • ECONOMIC OBLIVION for the unemployed as, er, things continue as they already were.
  • Use of the ROYAL WE when talking to Her Majesty. “That’s me and Gideon. I mean, Nick!” (canned laughter)
  • The STYLE COUNCIL to reform.
  • BAD VEGETARIAN FOOD and AWFUL SANDALS courtesy Nick and his wacky cohort of friends.
  • OIL has just been discovered in the Falklands. “Muwaaahahahaha.”

“We’re making Paddy Ashdown defence secretary, so he can just go over and beat the living fuck out of the Taliban personally. I’ve also promised Nick I’ll proportionally represent him in the morning, and not just first-past-the-post, roll over and fall asleep.

“Furthermore, we absolutely promise to discontinue the previous act’s ID card infrastructure and Digital Economy Act,” said Mr Cameron, “just as soon as they’re no longer convenient to us. Cross my heart and call a commission of inquiry.”

Wrong lizards get in

CHANNEL 4, Bravo To Zero, Thursday (NTN) — On this momentous day for British democracy, the prey of the nation have flocked to the slaughter pens in record numbers to do their bit to make sure the wrong lizards are put into power over them.

“The new lizards are evil and malignant oppressors,” said prey Deadmeat Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “They tried to have us all rounded up and tagged! Well. We’ve put paid to them. The old lizards are due their place in the sun, and we’ll be very happy to have them back.”

“But you can’t trust the old lizards,” said prey Porkpie Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I remember when they were in last time. They didn’t number us, they just slaughtered us wholesale not even keeping count! The current lizards are the only safe choice. Look at how green the fields have been the last decade!”

“There’s a third way,” said prey Butternutandpolentagnocchialforno Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “If enough of the prey get together, we can make sure the lizards change the rules on picking the next lizards so that the lizards the prey really want eating them get in. The lizards will have to work together on which prey they eat! The best of all possible lizards in all possible worlds.”

“Yer all wrong, we need to kick the for’n prey out,” said prey Fathitler Busybody, 77 (IQ), of Barking. “I’m a lizard, see? Not prey. I got a green hat wiv scales an’ a pointy tongue. I’ll jus’ put it in. I’m a lithard! Lithard! We goth th’ betht prey! Bether than th’ Euroth! Lithard!”

Your super soaraway NewsTechnica cut-out-and-paste election guide!

Reasons to vote Conservative: Replacing public services with volunteers and churches is necessary to inspire a new Charles Dickens.

Reasons to vote Labour: Top-down central planning of society works and is effective.

Reasons to vote Liberal Democrat: Everyone is middle-class now, they just don’t know it yet.

Reasons to vote Green: Science is a Big Pharma conspiracy and homeopathy works.

Reasons to vote Scottish National Party: Who?

Reasons to vote Pirate Party: Cheryl Cole could go back to stacking shelves for a living.

Reasons to vote Respect: You have none for yourself.

Reasons to vote United Kingdom Independence Party: We don’t want to become the new Belgium. Instead, we should become the new Albania.

Reasons to vote English Democrats: Because you’re too lame even to vote UKIP.

Reasons to vote British National Party: actually, you’ve got me there. There are no reasons to vote BNP.

“OUR ONLY HOPE”: that of Rebekah Brooks and Dominic Mohan not to be down the JobCentrePlus Friday morning.

Tories defend right of gay demons to vote Tory

THE MEMORY HOLE, Soho, Wednesday (Ponk News) — Controversial Conservative PPC Philippa Stroud has emphasised her belief in equality for the demons inside gay people. “Those demons are natural Tories and the backbone of our party.”

“In our Big Society™,” said David Cameron, “the rights of hellish unholy ghouls will be respected just as if they’re not ghastly abominations out to suck your soul out, destroy your mind with eldritch horror and sell you double-glazing and loan repayment insurance.”

Mrs Stroud pointed to her religious writings on the subject. “It is vital to a fair electoral system that there be votes not only for people, but for their most horrifying nightmares. We pray the demons out of these hom-o-sexuals, so that they may attend their nearest polling station tomorrow and cast their crucifix for the party of hopes, dreams and ambitions. The demons’, anyway.”

Mr Cameron will be staying up for thirty-six hours straight working up to and through the election. “I’ll sustain myself on the souls of unbaptised infants. Perfectly safe and legal, at least since the deregulation in the eighties.” Technicians will be on hand at all times in case of wiring failure or software glitches.

“We’re particularly hoping to get the tortured shade of Stephen Milligan back into the cabinet,” said Mrs Stroud. “Just don’t mention the tangerines.”

Phillippa Stroud will be working for the coming Tory government as a 100% sure-fire cure for heterosexuality.