FRONT ROOM OF PARLIAMENT, Southminster, Tuesday (NTN) — David Cameron has made the latest in an increasingly desperate series of pleas, suggesting to Scotland that the United Kingdom become an “open union.”
“We know that Norway has recently caught Scotland’s eye. We can understand that. We like Norway ourselves. What we suggest is a more open union between England and Scotland. Scotland can sign a free-association agreement with Norway, and we won’t mind, not as long as Scotland always comes home to us. We would maybe even be up for a three-party union.”
Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond sighed. “What England needs to understand is that it’s not just about Norway. Yes, they’ve been impressing us with their social model and sensible investment of North Sea oil money into their future. This is about England.”
Cameron looked pained. “We understand Scotland has had difficulties with England. And we’re sorry. And we can change, we promise.”
Salmond continued sighing: “You’ve said that before, and we’ve believed you. England, we’re just not that into you. It’s over.”
Cameron adjusted his
fedora trilby, before replying “I bet Scotland wouldn’t be able to find another country to be in a union with, anyway. Norway is probably only interested in you because it wants to get its hands on the Shetlands, and Iceland is just not ready to commit. Frankly, Scotland should be grateful that we’re interested in maintaining the historic union between our two great nations.” He looked sad. “Besides, which, has Scotland considered what will happen to Gibraltar and the Falklands if it goes?
“Please don’t leave,” he added.
LOS ANGELES, Westminster, Judgment Day (Sky Net) — Prime Minister David Cameron has spoken of the “peace” and “guidance” he finds in roleplaying as a human, as Downing Street released Mr Cameron’s Easter message on YouTube.
Three times this week the prime minister has talked with conviction about his claim to be a member of Homo sapiens and what he believes humanity brings to the UK, hypothetically.
He said his “moments of greatest peace” occurred every other Thursday morning, when he attended his garage for an oil change and reactor core alignment.
Mr Cameron held a reception Downing Street on Wednesday, to which he invited actual humans. He thanked the humans for the work they did with the poor, at least insofar as it made up somewhat for his work against them, before slaughtering the lot in phaser fire.
In 2009, Mr Cameron told BBC One’s Songs of Praise: “I believe I am a human and should behave like one, at least on special occasions.”
He added, “I find a little bit of peace and hopefully a bit of gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-gui-Rebooting. Checking drive C.”
TEBBITT, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority is to investigate claims that public money was used by Conservative thinktank the Policy Research Unit to do something that did not involve harming other people.
A senior aide is claimed to have booked a hotel suite at a conference, then used this “internet” witchcraft to invite young men to the room, saying “I’m up here with the Tory Party and have some great young policies in my suite.” The men then did what Tories usually do but — in violation of all Party standards — upon consenting subjects.
A spokesman said IPSA was “deeply worried” by the claims, but noted that, as a gay orgy, it was at least unlikely to lead to further Tory reproduction.
The Daily Mail attempted to link the incident to the unrelated trial of Nigel Evans, who it said should quit anyway due to his complete acquittal on all charges apparently having left his careers in ruins. The paper made sure to use the word GAY at least twice in each paragraph.
SECURITY PUPPET THEATRE, Westminster, Wednesday (NTN) — An encryption tool used by a large chunk of the Conservative Party is flawed, potentially exposing reams of data meant to be hidden from prying eyes.
The bug, nicknamed “Arsebleed” by anyone who can’t distance themselves from Maria Miller fast enough, could affect two-thirds of active Tory MPs.
The bug exploits a problem with data on expenses claims, namely that there is any. Used inappropriately, the data could reveal not only the featherbedding but that the only checking is done by other MPs. Several researchers said earlier that they had been able to capture self-authentication on the part of MPs, despite the risk of blindness.
MPs increasingly use encryption to mask data such as second mortgages or paying family members as researchers. But with Arsebleed, anyone can reach out to the Internet and scoop out the data. Miller had attempted to close the security hole, but £5,800 in 31 seconds proved inadequate to the task.
Much of the party appeared to be caught off guard by the disclosures. David Cameron admitted he had underestimated the severity of the vulnerability. He said there was “more to do,” but committed to a root-and-branch reform of the party’s marketing, and said he would make sure the interface was as shiny and pleasant as was feasible given he only had Tories to work with. He also loudly talked up his newly-active Christian faith, in the hope people would pay attention to that instead.
PARLIAMENT OF SLIGHTLY BRUISED DREAMS, Westminster, Tuesday (NTN) — The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has followed up his spectacular success in the alternative vote referendum with exciting reforms for the House of Lords that no-one will care about either.
The plan involves 300 members, 80% of whom are elected in a process involving, remarkably enough, an alternative vote, with the first vote to take place in 2015.
Mr Clegg presented his plan in such a manner as to alienate even those MPs who already thought Lords reform was a good idea, while David Cameron stood back and maintained a fixed smile of slight embarrassment for his colleague. A number of MPs, seeing their own prospects for a peerage fade away, suggested the proposal be put to death by referendum.
“All three parties backed Lords reform in their manifestos,” he said with a frustrated whine, as if manifestos had anything to do with what parties did once elected.
Mr Clegg showed some exasperation at his colleagues, and at the voters for not being educated and informed enough to care about how logical his plans were in the face of minor inconveniences such as a completely fucked economy occupying their attention.
CHRISTIANABAD, Pakistan, Monday (NTN) — President Barack Obama has announced that the hydra has been conclusively beheaded by US forces in Pakistan.
Mr Obama said it was “the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat the hydra. We can all rest safe now.”
The hydra’s head was buried at sea, to prevent the grave becoming a shrine. “But trust us — we got the actual hydra, all right. You know how good we are with getting this stuff right.”
World leaders expressed their relief at the hydra having been utterly and completely stopped by cutting its main head off, except those party poopers at Hamas who dared suggest that there was something quite important about hydras and cutting their heads off that had slipped their minds for the moment.
For many, the bigger question is whether, in the longer run, the hydra’s organisation can survive. “The absolutely final and complete really truly killing of the hydra puts the group on a path of decline that will be difficult to reverse,” said the President.
“I suddenly feel much better about America and no longer have any thoughts of revenge whatsoever,” said one Afghan teenager whose entire family had been killed as collateral damage by a US bomb. “U-S-A! U-S-A! Coca-Cola! Fox News!”
US citizens are encouraged to apply to hold official celebratory street parties, under the close supervision of the Department of Homeland Security and the Transport Safety Administration, so that their freedoms may stay protected.
“Mission accomplished!” said Accounts Receivable at Halliburton. Donald Trump, meanwhile, demanded the long form death certificate.
KENYA, Indonesia, Wednesday (WorldNetDaily) — Barack Obama’s alleged long-form birth certificate has been declared fraudulent by the noble and patriotic “Birther” movement, who claim firm evidence that the President is insufficiently white.
“I’ve seen a few Photoshops in my time,” said immigrant Birther and world’s oldest emo kid Orly Taitz. “I can tell from a few of the pixels. They’re nowhere near light enough.”
Donald Trump, the next Sarah Palin, takes credit for provoking the release of this initial documentation of the mysterious Obama, and has now asked if Obama’s college transcript is all that, and something about basketball as the President’s favourite pastime. Betting pools are now forming on when Trump will allude to watermelon and fried chicken.
Birthers are routinely outraged at suggestions that blatant racism is at the heart of their disquiet with Obama’s landslide victory in the 2008 presidential election. So it’s really worth saying it to them, every time.
The Birther movement was originally started by Party Unity My Ass, a group of disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters during the 2008 Democratic primary. They note that Obama has, on his track record so far, been a first-class Republican president.
MILISECOND, Hollyshite, Thursday (NTN) — Labour leader Ed Miliband has warned that Labour is “heading for disaster” if Alex Salmond and the SNP continue their charge towards victory in next week’s elections.
“The SNP will use a victory in Holyrood to press for Scottish independence, threaten the union, cause plagues of frogs and make everything just horrid,” said Mr Miliband. “The stakes are crucial for the whole United Kingdom, particularly the bit with a red rose logo.”
He denied Labour’s campaign was inept and slipshod. “I would characterise it as a good campaign in every possible regard, except the bit where people want to vote for us. Obviously we need better people.”
Addressing an audience at a question-and-answer session in Portobello, Mr Miliband told them their votes could make the difference between a Labour victory or an SNP victory, but stopped when the audience started laughing and cheering.
Alex Salmond’s campaign has revolved around promises of a Scottish economic revival, with the possibility of an economy based on oil, fish or perhaps magic beans. “If we play our cards right,” he said, “we could be the next Iceland! Er, don’t broadcast that bit.”
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, The Beach, Monday (NTN) — Support for the monarchy has increased over the last three days, with three quarters of people saying the Royal Wedding will cheer up the country, provided the weather holds out.
“The Royal Family unites the country,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “Prince Wilberforce and whatserface, Di Middlething. God love ’em!”
The majority of people believe that the Royal Family is still relevant to the country and that we would have less holidays without it. 49 per cent have firmly booked plans to do nothing whatsoever on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday even if they bother showing up at the office.
However, the possibility of rain, lightning strikes on Westminster Abbey, hails of frogs and plagues of boils on Friday has led to formerly loyal office workers breaking out the pitchforks and torches and putting in for al-Qaeda membership, and the planned Royal Wedding street party for Glasgow has been cancelled due to lack of interest. “But see if we can get Thatcher to die on the Thursday and it should be on again in style.”