Gordon Brown promises “magical happyland of unicorns and faeries” to Labour conference

WEST PEER, Skidrow-On-Sea, Tuesday (NNN) — Gordon Brown has given a rousing speech at the Labour conference promising the loyal Party members exciting new policies, a Labour victory and other unearthly and supernatural manifestations.

Gordon Brown riding a magical unicorn to victoryThe carefully-vetted Party members, who had been checked for rotten tomatoes and cabbages at the door, spontaneously applauded for five minutes after each sentence, under the loving but watchful eye of Lord Mandelson, who spent the speech idly toying with the safety catch of a laser disintegrator that was trained upon the crowd. Mr Brown undertook that:

  • Bankers will be asked very nicely not to pay themselves too much of the taxpayer’s money, or at least to do it quietly.
  • Identity cards will be only slightly mandatory, and hardly absolutely required for doing anything whatsoever at all, really. Honest. Smiley faces will be put on all CCTV cameras to cheer up the populace. “Think of them as a loving elder sibling, looking out for your welfare.”
  • Teenage mothers will be sent to Re-Education and Enlightenment Camps as a gateway to a network of Productivity Homes, where they can be inculcated with the true British spirit.
  • ASBOs will be strictly enforced by the same team responsible for bankers’ bonuses and teenage mothers.
  • J. K. Rowling will write a second series of Harry Potter books to revive the British economy. “EDS Capita Goatse have kindly offered to take on the support contract for this work. Apparently they have a very talented fellow called Kevin J. Anderson on the task already.” Kings Cross Station will be completely remodelled to match its depiction in the films.
  • The venomous radioactive fanged bats, rotting zombie vultures crying “Nevermore!” and demonic naked sirens swooping around the room apparently tearing bodies apart and blinking in and out of existence are mere Tory propaganda attempting to wear our spirits down.
  • Labour will soundly defeat the Liberal Democrats to become the next Opposition.

An election manual, Protect and Survive, was circulated to all members, including useful advice such as “duck and cover.”

“Now is not the time to give in, but to reach inside ourselves for the strength of our convictions!” he finished, at which point Lord Mandelson stopped the speech and led Mr Brown off the stage before he could actually attempt to put his hand down his own throat.

Lord Mandelson indicated the party’s outrage with the unspeakable rudeness of Andrew Marr’s earlier questions as to whether Mr Brown was on medication. “The implication that Gordon’s deeply sincere words were due to the influence of stupendous quantities of powerful hallucinogens lends entirely undue credence to the outrageous fabrications of right-wing bloggers,” said Lord Mandelson. “He’s actually just like that naturally.”

Daily Mail suspends complete bollocks injections after reader dies of stupidity

DACRE, Moron Piers, Tuesday (NNN) — Associated Newspapers today suspended all injections of scaremongering bollocks after a reader seemed to die of stupidity hours after reading the Daily Mail.

Richard Littlejohn/John LittlerichardBoris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, was found dead in his armchair after reading the UK Daily Mail‘s campaign against cervical cancer vaccines and the Irish Daily Mail‘s campaign for them in the same hour. “The doctor said his brain function had ceased six months before,” said his grieving wife Brenda, “shortly before he started getting the Mail home delivered. It was about then he started smelling funny, too. But only yesterday he was talking about asylum-seeking Poles and house prices!”

Critics of the Daily Mail have said it will encourage promiscuous idiocy, with reports of outbreaks of Richard Littlejohn. “Big Publishing is abusing our grandparents for memetic experiments. It’s all about money for them. A hundred-year-old criminal enterprise targeting our loved ones!”

Associated Newspapers has refused to say whether it would still allow tens of thousands of grumpy old gits across the country to receive the paper in the months ahead. But there were calls for the entire Daily Mail distribution programme to be suspended in the interests of sanity and good taste.

A number of Busybody’s mates down the pub have reported similar side-effects after our reporter paid them for their kind participation in this story.

Kraft names new Vegemite: “Axle Grease Shit 2.0”

TOO FAR DOWN UNDER, Marketers At Work, Saturday (NNN) — In the quarter-final ad break of the Australian Football League grand final, Kraft has revealed the winning entry in the competition to name its new spreadable Vegemite cream cheese mix: Axle Grease Shit 2.0.

Vegemite Axle Grease Shit 2.0The winning name was submitted by Dean Robbins, 27, of 129 Cowle Street, West Perth, Western Australia 6005. “What? Won? Fuck off. Really? Oh Jesus. I just thought it was funny. Look, we were really fuckin’ stoned, right? The big jars make great bongs. It gets really dull in Perth. Just don’t print my name or where I live, all right?”

Acclaim for the new name has been universal. “Lean customer engagement value justification social media benchmarking personalized interconnected sincere voice user-directed market identity,” said Kraft marketing marketer Simon Talbot. “Strategic promotainment visibility ‘wow’-factor network actionable content optimisation wiki analytics B2E brandstorming corporate DNA semantic mapping please dear Lord stop me before I kill again Obama effect synergy ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn research embedding. We even have the theme song:”

I said, do you spikka my language?
He just smiled and chundered Axle Grease Shit 2.0 all over me.

Colin Hay from Men At Work has reprised his most famous song for the commercial, but did want it noted that it was only because he was desperate for the cash and that he would be ritually killing himself immediately after the recording. “I might throw myself into a vat of Axle Grease Shit 2.0. There’s nothing like it!™”

Later ads have licenced an old Shell Oil jingle:

When the going’s hard
Don’t retard
Remember your lubrication.

“Actually, I might wait for Axle Grease Shit 2.0.1,” said Hay. “Dot-zero releases never work right.”

Tory candidate not working for PR company

CASHIER’S DESK, Parliament.co.uk, Friday (NNN) — Conservatives indicated disquiet today with a candidate who was not working as a lobbyist with a public relations firm on the side.

David Cameron with David Cameron maskWith its new emphasis on the necessity of more efficient government in these straitened times, the party has 140 prospective Tory candidates likely to be elected who work as lobbyists, many having started in the job after their selection. “Greater transparency is needed to help ensure high standards in public life,” said David Cameron, himself a former public relations person. “So we’ll be making a standard price list openly available.”

When so much of the Conservative manifesto remains unwritten, many seek to shape it. But so many Tory candidates working in PR poses a particularly awkward problem for Mr Cameron. “Public relations people aren’t noted for coherent thought, ability to write in a way that doesn’t immediately hit spam filters or, indeed, just not making you want to strangle them,” he said today. “That said, I do believe we could run a dog turd in a suit and tie against Labour and win. So we’re running several.”

Gordon Brown said this was typical of the “Bullingdonian running dogs” of the Conservative Party. “People want deep knowledge and appreciate honesty. It’s not all a shiny smiling face and telly sincerity. Just look at my ratings against those of Cameron or Tony Blair … arse.”

Windows 7 party video snatches defeat from the jaws of victory

YESLER WAY, Seattle, Friday (NNGadget) — Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose “viral” nature goes beyond “herpes” or “swine flu” to “SARS.”

Steve Ballmer sells Windows 1.0Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before being confirmed as genuine, the video features Stepford wives and husbands reading lines off the autocues in each others’ blank eyes on how to hold a party. The digital clock on the cooker in the background jumps around at random. The black guy and the MILF go off to fuck. Finally, everyone drinks the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and looks forward to being one with Steve Jobs in the next world, before discovering that they have been judged unworthy and will spend eternity with Steve Ballmer instead.

The video was produced by the same team that advertised Vista with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, working again with abnormal psychology researchers from the University of Washington. “Count the headlines!” shouted one of the marketing department’s several thousand monkeys with video cameras. “Count the YouTube views! It’s clear that my work gets the brand out, and if I don’t get appropriate compensation in my annual review I’ll be suing.” The Polish version of the video features a white face crudely cut-and-pasted over the black guy’s head.

“Windows 7 was getting great reviews,” said completely independent ZDnet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle, “even the geeks loved the preview versions, everyone was amazed that Microsoft appeared to have successfully grown past the Vista disaster. But the mind-sodomising cluelessness of thinking this video was actually a good idea has firmly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, blessed Windows 7 with the stench of death, confirmed that it really is just Vista with a coat of paint and set everyone’s mind at rest.

“That’s why my column this week talks about all the great stuff coming in Windows 8. Windows 8, that’s the one to beat! It’ll work on netbooks! It’ll be secure! It’ll have a database filesystem! Snow Leopard can’t touch it! Businesses should definitely move from XP!”

Microsoft has previously shown its deft ability to drop the ball two yards from the end of the field with the XBox 360, in which a powerful and popular game console was manufactured so shoddily that over 50% of machines turned out defective, and the Zune, in which an MP3 player of decent hardware capabilities at a good price point was crippled with bad firmware and unusable software and sold in a package the color of baby shit. “In a stroke of genius, they put in wifi but not a web browser, so the iPod Touch could steal their thunder six months later. You don’t get brilliance like that for free.”

The new, abbreviated Windows 7 house party instructions have been sent to marketing: “Here is a Windows 7 DVD. Here is a bottle of vodka. Here is a gun with one bullet.”

G20: Financial crisis response “worked for us”

HECK, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — Leaders of the world’s biggest economies have announced that they have won the financial crisis fight. “It worked,” declared the Group of 20, “and will keep us in power long enough.”

Big Ben closed for businessThe April G20 meeting declared that the world economy was “facing its greatest challenge in our generation. We must do whatever it takes to shore up the system that has worked so well for our donors and very good friends. And get re-elected.”

Today’s draft statement says that “our forceful response helped stop the dangerous, sharp decline in our credibility and that of the financial markets. The people are still living under bridges and eating boiled shoe leather, but they think we’ve got a plan to get them out of it. God bless ’em and their cute little dreams!”

But there is much to be done. “A sense of normalcy should not lead to complacency. There are 2010 mid-terms to think of as well as the 2012 Presidential election.”

The programme is expected to continue. “As we face the current global and economic crisis, the G20 has proven its effectiveness and usefulness by bringing together leaders of both developed and developing countries in the quest to save their own skins. Gordon’s still totally screwed, of course.”

Parents beg for mercy from Justin Fletcher

THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Thursday (NNeebies) — Parents’ welfare groups begged for mercy as the full horror of Justin Fletcher’s new CBeebies show Gigglebiz became apparent.

“It’s vitally important,” said Mr Fletcher, recipient of an MBE for services to children’s broadcasting, “that I use the full range of my ability as an actor — funny accents, pantomime drag and more funny accents — to educate and enlighten the children of Britain to their very first encounters with tired comedy tropes and decades-old clichés. I’ve also notified the BBC Trust that I’m fine with CBeebies being renamed the Justin Fletcher Network. And a knighthood next January.”

Forthcoming shows include:

    Mr Tumble with swag

  • Charlie and Justin — with Charlie (Mark Thompson) patiently putting up with the incessant babbling of his high-rating sister.
  • Tumblemory — in which Justin does his bad Scottish accent in six different wigs.
  • In The Night Justin — in which Justin runs around with a red blanket and sproingy hair shouting through a megaphone that it’s time for bed. The original title, In The Night Tumble, would have led to the show being rated N for “nightmare fuel.”
  • Waybuloo — “I’m sorry,” said Mr Fletcher, “even I can’t take enough drugs for this one.”

The dangerous expansion of Britain’s arsenal of intercontinental ballistic Justin Fletcher shows was made possible by the revelation that middle-aged suburban fathers are not covered by the provisions of the Geneva Convention. “As if Cerrie wasn’t bad enough. The bargain is, we put up with having this crap on all day, you give us eye candy. No, it’s not the gimp hand, that’s fine, it’s that fucking grin. What happened to Pui? At least we have her old topless shots. Lesbian punks wahey! I’ll put up with Cerrie for some gimp-on-girl action. Deal?”

Attempts to wrench toddlers away from the screen were futile, resulting only in the Makaton for “my cult masters will wreak their revenge upon your puny race.”

Lily Allen fights for “three strikes” proposal

ABBEY NORMAL, London Lite, Wednesday (N! News) — Major British recording artists will meet to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen “three strikes” proposal to cut off filesharers.

Lily Allen spitting in a bikiniRadiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, Lily Allen has come out strongly in favour of the proposals, saying that “the fackin’ slags need a good fackin’ kickin’. It’s fine for the rich fackers, but it’s all a bit of a rum do for the starving artistes like me, what? Er, I mean, fack the fackin’ fackers. Innit. Blud.” She then accidentally exposed one of her nipples.

Lily Allen came to popularity from filesharers pointing to her MySpace page. “Fackin’ fans, fackin’ fack the fackers,” she wrote in a blog post plagiarised without attribution from TechDirt. If she copies two more blog posts, or if anyone notices the mixtapes of other artists’ music on her website, her Internet will be cut off.

James Blunt has backed Ms Allen’s position strongly. Respecting his stance, filesharers across Britain have sworn never to download a James Blunt song again if they can possibly avoid it, several taking out insurance against such an event.

Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group has put forward a proposal for a small mandatory licence percentage for copyright holders, as on radio and television. “We plead with the music industry not to throw us into the mandatory licence briar patch,” said Mr Killock, “in which no-one ever buys a record again otherwise as they’ve already paid for it. Please.”

“Punk Floyd … weren’t it them what did ‘Beatlearchy In The UK’? Hippy crap,” said 14-year-old music fan KT Myspce, loading up another Lady Gaga song to play in the background from YouTube.

Three-year-old is youngest crime suspect in Britain

DO AS YOU PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Sunday (NNN) — A three-year-old boy is the youngest known suspect in a British criminal inquiry.

Bring Me The Head Of Iggle-Piggle“Little Johnny” Pleb, 3¼, who cannot be named, is the centre of a vast criminal enterprise in Strathclyde. He started his underworld network aged two and a half, gathering a gang of toddlers excluded from shops when their parents accidentally took them in wearing “hoodies” (a Class A drug, only available on doctor’s prescription to Olympic boxers and suicide bombers). They would whistle to signal to their daycare friends, who would rush in with the “bluds” from their “crew” and ransack all the sweets in sight. Being under the age of eight, they could not be prosecuted.

“This is a clear sign of the failure of Labour policy,” said Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling. “Broken Britain! Of course it’s broken, we’re not in power. The socialist propaganda inherent in CBeebies broadcasts such as Teletubbies and In The Night Garden manifests as festering aimlessless in our youth, bubbling up in a surge of criminality and moral decay. And Waybuloo — what in God’s name is that about? Does anyone understand that show? Including the writers? I know good childrens’ TV should look like it was produced on drugs, but that looks like it was made by an acid casualty who’d tried and failed to find Jesus. What on earth.”

“Little Johnny” Pleb is now under maximum security on the HMP Peterhead Naughty Step. “That’s life,” commented Esther Rantzen.

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London gay tourist bureau opening

SEVENTH HEAVEN, London WC2, Saturday (LNBT) — The first London tourist office specifically for LGBT (which stands for “Young, White, Gay, Male and Middle-Class”) tourist needs will be opening later this year.

Gay Pride! Diversity!The idea is the brainchild of a gay bar owner, who plans to run it out of the ground floor of the bar in question. “All people of all sexual orientations, cultures and diversity should be able to come to London and know where to go to feel fully free to be their young, white, gay, male and middle-class selves. We take diversity seriously in the gay scene. And, er, B, L, T. We do serve sandwiches. Yep.”

The service will provide young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds with the important nuances of local information: which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has selfish, two-timing prick tease bastards, which bar in Soho playing deafening techno has miserable, bitchy queens and which bar in Soho playing deafening techno will leave you feeling generally depressed, fucked over and ripped off. It hopes to expand to bars in Vauxhall playing deafening techno by early next year.

“We will of course take the ‘L,’ ‘T’ and ‘B’ seriously. Lesbians are welcome in the bars as long as they don’t try to get in on Fridays or Saturdays, and those trannies are welcome provided they have the proper paperwork certifying their claimed gender. We’d happily cater for bisexuals if they existed and weren’t just fooling themselves.”