Riots outside Relate offices as Christian therapist loses appeal bid

’LATE, Brizzle, Thursday (NTN) — A Relate counsellor’s sacking for refusing to counsel gay couples has been upheld, leading to Church of England members rioting and setting alight Relate offices across the country.

Gary McFarlane was sacked by Relate after it had refused to accommodate his sincere and deeply-held Christian beliefs that the Sodomite unbelievers should be stoned to death to burn in Hellfire for all eternity.

“Because of my Christian beliefs and principles,” said Mr McFarlane, “there should be allowances whereby individuals like me can actually avoid having to contradict their very strongly-held moral stance that these people should be set on fucking fire. Requiring us to treat Sodomites as human is as ridiculous as this ’round Earth’ theory.”

Former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey had earlier called for judges with a “proven sensitivity and understanding of religious issues” to hear the case, threatening “civil unrest” and “rivers of blood” over recent court decisions involving Christians having to behave in a halfway civilised manner in the workplace. “Comparing someone who wants to have all homosexuals horsewhipped with a ‘bigot’ is tantamount to genocide,” he said before leading a pitchfork-and-teacup-wielding mob to Relate Avon, with signs saying “BEHEAD ANYONE WHO SLANDERS CHRISTIANITY” and “GOSH DARN THAT FREE SPEECH.”

The riots have led to questions in Parliament on Christian immigration and a Jan Moir column in the Daily Mail on the dangers of the asylum process letting “these violent God-botherers” into Britain.

“This is all terribly upsetting,” said Abu Hamza al-Masri on Thought For The Day this evening. “Can’t we all just, you know, get along and be nice to each other? It’s worth a try!”

Scandal as politician tells truth

THE MEMORY HOLE, Wild Wild North, Wednesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught telling the truth in public today, in a horrifying breach of electoral etiquette that could shake people’s faith in politicians to the core.

Gordon Brown as Nicola McLean, blackwashedThe disgusting incident occurred while knocking on doors in Goosestep-on-the-Green, Rochdale, as, after speaking to Hausführer Eva McBraun, 77 (IQ), about her collection of World War II memorabilia and her rottweiler Zyklon, he let slip to his assistant that she was “perhaps not entirely one hundred percent on-message with this whole ‘multicultural’ thing.”

The media was universally appalled on everyone’s behalf, as front pages were filled with “BROWN IN NAZI SLUR ON BRITAIN SHOCK” and the BBC played a loop of the incident on repeat, zooming in on the stomach-churning sight of Mr Brown letting slip with a facial expression. The Sun has offered Mrs McBraun £50,000 for a Page 3 shoot and opinion column.

“I have offered my sincere apologies to Mrs McBraun,” said Mr Brown this afternoon, “and have said that I am very sorry she is such a bigoted arsehole. Furthermore, I apologise to the British people for having shown signs of morals, ethics and a human reaction to racist fuckwittery, and would probably rather these nascent BNP cadres vote for us rather than someone else, even if I’m a bit nauseated to be associated with them even that much. I will be consulting with His Royal Highness Prince Philip on public relations techniques.”

“People might think he was some sort of socialist,” said concerned psychopathologist David Cameron, “with unsustainable notions of ‘fairness’ and ‘welfare’ and not having all the immigrants taken out and shot as Britain needs in these interesting times. Not that that’s racist.”

Nick Clegg spoke of the Liberal Democrats’ strong support for social equality and proportional representation for all lifeforms, human, plant, bacterium or even Tory, as people admired his choice of tie for going on telly with.

“I’m never voting Labour again,” said Mrs McBraun, “not that I ever did before. Although that Mr Mandelson is a fine fellow. Immaculately groomed. Very well turned out. And those nice young men he associates with. The way he dances on skulls is most head-turning.”

Pope comes out as deep-cover atheist

HOLY CRAP, Vatican City, Monday (NTN) — Joseph Ratzinger has resigned as Pope and revealed his rôle as a deep-cover atheist operative, who worked many decades to discredit the Catholic Church.

“I’m profoundly sorry I couldn’t pull the plug on the whole rotten edifice,” said Mr Ratzinger, 83, of Rome. “I’d have gone the way of John Paul I. But I’ve worked hard to cause the terrible truth to expose itself to the world.”

Soon after joining the Hitler Youth, the young Ratzinger was recruited by the atheist pagan Hitler to advance Darwinian evolution, the atheist religion, the Thule Society, the World Ice Theory and the collective Aryan unconscious. “We knew the key was getting evolution in there. My previous deep-cover report, Gene ‘Pius’ Pacelli, was as enormously helpful as ever, slipping it into Humani Generis in 1950. And getting away with it!

“From there it was simple — let reason and thought in the door and people will actually apply joined-up thinking to Catholicism, something it had no hope of withstanding. I mean, say something really blatantly stupid like ‘atheism is the cause of the greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice,’ put our sexiest underage agents into the choirs and see how long before the world’s howling for your blood.

“And what happened to the bloke who wrote that British Foreign Office memo? They shuffled him sideways to another job! Honestly, real life outdoes jokes every time.”

Mr Ratzinger plans to retire to his home town of Marktl in southern Germany. “It’s a great relief to come clean after all this time,” he said. “I’m very much looking forward to using this ‘penis’ thing at long, long last. Woo hoo, bevy of bouncing buxom Bavarian babes, here I come! So to speak.”

Richard Dawkins, who had recently revealed his Doctorate in Divinity, was more than a little put out. “I’m most annoyed no-one made this much fuss when I said I liked Christmas services at my local Church of England. I’m trying to give as many clues as possible here, you know.” He retreated to his office with a bottle of Irish whiskey and a Vicar of Dibley box set.

Sky poll: Clegg’s mother is Hitler

INCOMING, Whopping, Thursday (NTN) — A YouGov poll has revealed that Dave Cameron won tonight’s leaders’ debate with 62% of the vote. A followup poll demonstrated flying pigs and Peter Mandelson voters.

YouGov is noted for its scrupulous fairness and lack of Tory backers. “We felt it was right to highlight voters’ concerns about Clegg’s funding, dress sense, haircut, an essay he wrote when he was eleven, his programme to establish parity between the pound sterling and the Zimbabwean dollar and his plans to sell Britain to Iceland for scrap,” said spokesman Andy Coulson.

“The Murdoch party is the only hope for Britain,” said concerned voter Andy Coulson. “This ‘Clegg’ fellow is unreliable and dangerous. Without the full, true, long-form birth certificate, we have no evidence Herr Clegg was not born in Nazi Germany, and indeed responsible for founding the Nazi Party.”

Reports in today’s Daily Express, filed by Andy Coulson, reveal how Nick Clegg sexually harassed the memory of Diana.

Mr Clegg has been accused of using techniques of mind control in his television debates. “A light will shine down,” said freelance engineering psychologist Andy Coulson, “it will fall upon you, you will experience an epiphany, and you will fall asleep from listening to Lib Dem policy.”

Early reports suggested someone called “Brown” was present at the debate this evening, though the statement was removed from Wikipedia pending a citation from a reliable source.

Nick Clegg dossier reveals his Martian roots

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (MSBBC) — Your Super Soaraway SUN has found the blueprint for Nick Clegg’s top-secret TV debate strategy in the back of a CAB, revealing he is a MARTIAN INVADER.

It reveals the Lib Dem leader STOLE DNA from David Cameron to DUPLICATE his style and cover Britain in a ROBOT ARMY OF CLEGGS, with BlackBerrys to be installed in all citizens.

“It’s very SLOPPY to just leave it in my CAB in a locked and alarmed SUITCASE,” said the cab driver, Andy Coulson, “and I thought people should know. That’s why I SOLD it to The Sun.”

Clegg DISGRACED himself in the television debate last Thursday, winning a mere 37% in BIASED COMMUNIST POLLS, while TORY SUPERSTAR Dave “Dave” Cameron topped the charts with a SURGE to 31% — despite foolish commentators claiming Clegg was less terrible than GORDON BROWN attempting to SMILE or the picture of DAVE CAMERON someone had PHOTOSHOPPED onto the screen.

“I used my PSYCHIC POWERS to talk to ADOLF HITLER after the debate and he would DEFINITELY vote Lib Dem now,” reveals luscious, pouting MYSTIC MEG in her political opinion column on Page 3 today.

The Tories have responded by DISTANCING themselves from the Liberal Democrats’ WASHED-UP, SOCIALIST POLICIES and put out new posters blaming the recession on the people responsible: POLISH ASYLUM TERRORISTS on THE DOLE.

“The Conservative Home web forum got out MS Paint and came up with some great stuff,” said Tory webmaster Andy Coulson. “Though they thought we should distance ourselves from those WISHY-WASHY, NUT-CUTLET-EATING LIBERALS at the Daily Mail, who are SOFT ON VOLCANOES and soft on the CAUSES of volcanoes.”

An article in the Völkischer Beobachter on Sunday by Andy Coulson REVEALED Clegg’s SPANISH wife, RUSSIAN grandfather and MARTIAN allegiance, and how he would definitely fail a proper Tory BRITISHNESS test.

“Fuck,” said Rupert Murdoch, speaking to his editors about the ACTUAL poll numbers.

Facebook pits software against child predators

CYBERSPICE, Goatse-By-Cam, Friday (NTN) — Facebook has announced “sophisticated algorithms” to monitor its users and detect clear signs of paedophilia such as not clicking on ads, not playing Farmville or taking holy orders.

Gay Pope BenedictThe site analyses users’ actions and compares that behaviour to a standardised set of actions, such as intermittently but consistently hitting F5 during working hours and clicking on a sufficient number of O2 advertisements. If behaviour is too far from normal mode, such as insufficient spending on extras in Petville, not installing the “Which Victim Of Facebook Phishing Are You?” application or use of Church Latin, the software will “degrade” the user’s experience, whipping them with sticks and deriding them as the worm they are.

Zoe fucking Hilton, previously of the NSPCC but now much further advanced in the paedo-scaremongering industry with new wizard wheeze the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre, called Facebook “a bunch of fucking nonces who smell of altars. If they don’t put a big fucking ‘CEOP’ button at least two hundred pixels on a side on each and every fucking Facebook page, they might as well be taking those kids into the confessional and brutally and graphically sodomising them personally and individually. And that’s Doctor Zoe fucking Hilton. And they won’t give us any fucking money, either. Which is a sure sign that Facebook are a pack of paedos. Paeee-dooos. Cunts.”

Actual children and teenagers, meanwhile, continued to lie about their ages, put up ridiculously Photoshopped pictures of themselves, send homemade porn to each other by text message and stab each other. “Gosh, I hope I don’t see any swear words on that ‘internet’ thing,” said KT Myspce, 14. “That would be horrid.”

Facebook is the world’s largest social network, with 400 million users a month, over two or three percent of whom can use a computer without risking serious injury.

Brown condemns Iceland over terrorist volcanoes

ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland’s terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists’ air tickets.

Gotcha!The UK government used anti-terrorism laws to freeze all British-held assets of Umhverfisráðuneyti, the Icelandic Ministry Against the Environment, after minister Kolbrún bin Halldór threatened to further unleash the power of the Katla volcano in the wake of the devastation to school holidays caused by Eyjafjallajökull.

Thousands of confused and angry passengers wandered around Britain’s becalmed airports today trying in vain to find out how long the disruption caused by the ash cloud might last. “Can’t we just, you know, give the planes a try and see if they fall out of the sky?” said Brenda Busybody, 54 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I reeeally need to go and rest on holiday, Monday I’m back to doing nothing in the office. I pay my licence fee!

The Prime Minister offered his outrage and sympathy, in lieu of money or anything useful. “This is fundamentally a problem with the Icelandic-registered El-stodth Thyonustah Voweld,” said Mr Brown, attempting not to choke on his own tongue. “They have failed the people of Iceland and they have failed the people of Northern Europe! You pay my licence fee! Er, hold on …”

Icelandic Prime Minister Jóhanna bin Sigurðar also offered her sympathies to British travellers. “But, you know, we’re still pretty upset about the cod.”

Microsoft releases world’s dumbest smartphone

NO MICROSOFT WAY, Redmond, Wednesday (NTN) — Microsoft has unveiled its new Zune One and Zune Two mobile phones for unusually stupid social-networking enthusiasts in their late teens and early twenties with a higher income than their IQ.

Drunk Facebook girlTeam leader Roz Ho said the company had tried to create a Microsoft gadget that people actually wanted to have, like the XBox 360, but that actually worked properly.

“Get your Friendster and your MySpace!” said Ms Ho. “We studied consumer habits and built the perfect phone for the, uh, ‘social generation,'” she air-quoted, “to make it ‘fab’ and ‘bling’ — I mean, of course, ‘Bing!’ — for people too dumb to work an iPhone to share their lives moment to moment.”

The handset is of simple design for simple people. The keyboard engages caps lock at random and interjects common “chat” acronyms like “LOL” and “OMG” and “RTFM” should too many words in a row be spelt correctly. A breathalyzer automatically switches on the video camera in the event of excessive alcohol consumption. As well as the usual daily crashes, the Blue Screen of Death can be invoked by the user so as to have a suitable excuse not to answer a text. Later revisions of the phone may include making voice calls.

Drunk Facebook girl 2

“We are excited to be the exclusive carrier for this exciting new Microsoft phone in the exciting US,” said John Harrobin, Senior Vice President of Paperclip Filing, Morning Drunkenness and Excited Press Release Quotes at Verizon Wireless. “Because we fucking hate you people. We really do.”

Roz Ho was previously leader of the Microsoft team that lost all the data on everyone’s T-Mobile Sidekick phones last year when the systems team was told not to bother with backups.

iPhone developer agreement: Eat a bug on camera

ONE APPLE WAY, Cupertino, Saturday (NTN) — iPhone developers are up in arms at Apple requiring them to use only Apple toolkits, sacrifice a Windows developer at their local Apple Shop every Sunday and maintain an altar to Steve Jobs in their homes. And eat a bug.

Apple is famous for its rigid control over its devices, in its quest to maintain user quality. Developers have worked under increasing restrictions in their attempts to provide quality applications for the iPhone such as I Am Rich, Magic 8 Ball and iFart.

“Not a big deal,” said Mr Jobs in a personal email. “Cross-platform development leads to a worse user experience every time. Also, the video of you eating the bug has to be H.264 QuickTime or your app is out. Extra points for cockroaches.”

“This clause shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the creative freedom developers need,” said iPhone developer Greg Slepak. “Software is an infinitely malleable creation of pure thought. Toolkits, languages and frameworks are only a way to develop something people will want. It’s like telling Rembrandt what brand of brushes he’s allowed to use.”

He paused to chow down on a palmetto bug for his MacBook’s camera. “I’ll tell you, a lot of iPhone developers are seriously considering Android, just as soon as Google develops a suitably exploitable stream of mindless thralls that will generate us a gushing torrent of money.”

“Thanks for the video, Greg,” said Mr Jobs, “but we’ve just added section 3.3.1.a: ‘In particular, when Greg Slepak submits an application, the bucket of cockroaches in the video have to be Apple-branded and genetically engineered in Cupertino.’ So we’ve rejected your application, cancelled your membership and zeroed your account.

“Of course, you’re free to apply again. Or not, if you don’t want a goddamn dumptruck full of money backed up to your house. It’s a free country.”

Devil sells soul to Mandelson

THE NINTH CIRCLE, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — Lucifer, the Angel of Light and Ruler of Hell, has undertaken an unEarthly deal with Peter Mandelson to hold on to power.

Mandelson, Prince of DarknessIn return, Hell will be able to keep one hospital, two schools and a single public toilet in the face of government cuts, although the recruitment of doctors, nurses and teachers will continue to depend on the death rate of priests, nuns and those who are struck off the GMC register for gross misconduct in Staffordshire. Litterers will continue to be responsible for voluntary street cleaning.

Lord Mandelson has done a roaring trade in second-hand souls. Recent sellers include Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Six thousand years ago, Lucifer famously led the rebellion in Heaven after offering to sell his soul to Mr Mandelson for success. The deal fell apart, however, as all such Faustian pacts do, with Lucifer reassigned to a new job as Satan, Prince of Lies, in the bowels of Hell at the centre of the Earth, intermittently being prodded with a pitchfork by Alastair Campbell.

“Peter did apologise for the job change, returned my soul only slightly soiled, and explained in detail how casting me into disgrace in perpetuity was absolutely necessary to the stability of the system,” said Lucifer. “Practical process and a functional Constitution are, of course, of vast importance. After all, six thousand years and not a single coup d’état in Heaven! … Wait a minute …”

Lucifer was not entirely convinced of the merits of the Digital Economy Bill. “But anything that helps the record companies helps me, I do have management slots to fill.”

Lucifer was sceptical as to David Cameron’s chances of success at appearing to sell the Tories’ souls to Heaven. “At least I’m sure of a place in Hell after June,” he said. “Imagine being damned to Westminster for all eternity.”