Newspaper website “troll” punished

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Saturday (NTN) — An “internet troll” who posted offensive messages on the World Wide Web has been revealed to be the Daily Mail.

Richard Littlejohn/John LittlerichardThe Mail “preyed on bereaved families” for its “own pleasure”, the Press Complaints Council heard.

The paper was charged with sending malicious communications that were grossly offensive. The posts included comments claiming the victims had brought it upon themselves by being asylum-seeking homosexual Poles who caused EU cancer.

It was only caught when it sent residents copies of itself saying “FREE DVD FOR EVERY READER.”

The term “troll” was described in court as someone who creates numerous identities, called “columnists,” and then posts offensive bollocks to upset or provoke a reaction from others and gain page hits and advertising revenue.

“You preyed on bereaved families who were suffering trauma and anxiety,” said chairwoman of the bench Pauline Salisbury. “We know you gained pleasure and you aren’t sorry for what you did.”

The paper has been convicted of sending “malicious communications” and the editor has been given a knighthood and a rôle as official advisor on government policy.

The defence raised possible mental health issues, but this was dismissed by the bench.

Time traveller spotted in 2010 YouTube video

REGAL ZONOPHONE, Pathé News, 1928 (NTN) — An alleged time traveller has been spotted not using a mobile telephone in a 2010 video on YouTube.

The apparent time traveller, clad in a hat and coat, walks into frame appearing deep in conversation while holding nothing at all to her ear, thus showing her using sheer empty space for wireless communication.

“This Super-8 film I’ve made shows the ‘chrononaut’ quite clearly,” said Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “You can see the woman putting her hand to her head without holding a mobile phone or anything. This gesture is so remarkably anachronistic that a gross violation of physics is clearly the simplest and most obvious possible explanation, and definitely not anything that doesn’t get my name in the papers.”

The Super-8 film of the YouTube clip has been put up on YouTube and has gained thousands of views since incredibly bored journalists filled a space with the story. Speculation is rife on the site as to what the object actually is that she is not holding.

“Nikola Tesla anticipated this, you know,” said Mr Tedious-Anorak, “and you can read all about it in my self-published magazine which I—” At this point the film reel ran out.

Journalist pretending to be non-despicable decent human thrown under train

DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport For London, Wednesday (NTN) — An Associated Newspapers journalist dressed as a human was pushed under a train by everyone who had suffered the Daily Mail in the past two days.

Julie Bindel in her heartThe incident started with shouting and a scuffle as people pushed forward to be the one to throw the abomination under a train. The benighted and unnatural creature was dressed in clothes normally worn by people, as opposed to the foetid rags issued to staff by Northcliffe Media, and had applied choking quantities of perfume to cover the stench of moral decay. Other reporters covering the incident hypothesised the misbegotten object was on its way to a “party” at 6:37pm.

It was initially reported that an actual person had died, but fortunately the media was able to make it as clear as possible what a disgusting freak the “trans-human” so-called victim was. Prosecutors had tried to ban the publication of the victim’s name, saying it would cause a substantial risk of serious prejudice to any trial. Thankfully, British journalism is above any such petty considerations.

Police are seeking Julie Bindel to assist with their inquiries.

Minister condemns Satanist fire fighters for causing credit crunch

SOME LIKE IT HOT, Going Underground, Wednesday (NTN) — Fire fighters are encouraging Satanic worship and damaging Britain’s economy by threatening to strike, says Communities minister Bob Neil.

The government released a YouTube video showing Fire Brigades Union officials demonstrating with anarchist flags, consorting with Satan and taking a goat’s virginity on the standard model striker’s brazier outside Southwark Fire Station.

“It’s outrageous that the demonic hordes of Hell are behind strong-arm tactics to intimidate working crews, put people’s lives at risk and damage the economic gains we’ve already been making. We call on Lucifer to repudiate these allegations and behave with greater fiscal responsibility.”

Industrial action is scheduled for next Monday and on Bonfire Night, when, according to Mr Neil, Liberal Democrat members of Parliament will be sacrificed on the flames to avert five thousand firemen being made redundant and increase the social welfare bill.

Mr Neil stopped short of asserting links between the FBU and Bob Crow of the RMT, however. “Look, now you’re just being silly.”

Pentagon: Wikileaks “has blood on its hands, unlike us”

MENTAX, Underground, Tuesday (NTN) — US military officials have condemned the latest war document release by Wikileaks as “potentially fatal to our credibility” and leading to 15,000 more officials spending time with their families than previously thought.

“The faltering forces of hacker infidels,” said the Pentagon’s Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, “cannot just enter an army and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege! There are only two Wikileaks tanks in the city!”

General George Casey has denied that the United States “turned a blind eye” to prisoner abuse. “Our policy all along has been to use our military might to encourage the already peace-loving Iraqi security forces to be agents of cosmic love and beauty. Whenever a prisoner was treated with crystals and aromatherapy in a more robust manner than would be acceptable to our dolphin brethren, we were sure to report it up both the Iraqi chain of command and the one that means anything. Then we sat down together and did serious thinking about how we could be more excellent to one another. Toke, dude?”

The festering scoundrel Julian Assange was lambasted last night on CNN for his reprehensible personal life and clearly unbalanced and unAmerican mental state, which are much more newsworthy than the release of more accurate documentation than any war has ever had in history.

“I remain opposed to the war in Iraq,” said President Barack Obama, “and so too to documentation of the so-called war. We harshly condemn the release of information on this terrible alleged event. We will bring the document leakers to military justice and teach them to love again.”

In the UK, Nick Clegg suggested someone might want to possibly look into this matter a little bit, assuming it was all right with Dave of course.

Charity pays Tories not to breed

SOMA, Brave New World, Monday (NTN) — Controversial charity Project Prevention is offering cut-addicted Conservatives hundreds of pounds in return for making sure they never breed under any circumstances.

Nick Clegg and crack pipeTheir motto is “stop the problem before it happens.” But the system raises fundamental questions about people’s — and Tories’ — right to have children. It has, unsurprisingly, prompted intense controversy.

“The scheme is exploitative, ethically dubious and morally questionable,” said Tory welfare campaigner Nick Clegg. “It’s an abuse of human motivations. You can’t expect a Tory, in the throes of fiscal probity, to pass up the slightest chance for a few quid. Particularly when you dangle twenty-pound notes in front of them from a fishing rod. And tell them to dance, little man, dance. Sorry, what were you saying?”

Mr Clegg claims the move dehumanises Tories. “It treats them as some sort of lesser being, one that’s not capable of higher human emotions, of love, of compassion, of care for their fellow man … well, all right, I can see their point.

“But who would be targeted next? Liberal Democrat cabinet members? The right wing of Labour? What sort of person would just slash these people’s goolies off? Look, stop applauding.”

Facebook shocked, shocked at privacy problems

SOULS 5¢, Cyberspice, Tuesday (NTN) — Facebook staff have been amazed to discover that when Facebook passes users’ complete details to application developers and advertisers, some of the partner companies might accidentally let slip the information in some manner.

Abort the fetus and win a Playstation 3!“We are appalled at this information leak,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg as he took a break from his personal RSS feed of drunk women’s tits posted to his service. “But I can assure you that we have sternly suggested to everyone involved that they take somewhat greater care not to get caught, and maintain a serious demeanor when rolling around in the great big pit filled with money in their basement.”

“I’m horrified and outraged,” said office worker Brenda Busybody, 43 (IQ), “that stuff I put on the Internet is on the Internet. It violates everything I expect. I want privacy when I’m calling my boss a useless fuckstick to the entire world, all my coworkers and my boss himself. And when I’m playing a bit of FarmVille before we nick off down the pub.”

Privacy advocates are working on Diaspora, a security-enhanced social network so far populated by Linux users who cryptographically sign every update about which episode of Babylon 5 they just finished watching alone in their parents’ basement. “START GPG KEY BLOCK!” said open source software advocate Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “WE WILL PROTECT YOUR FREEDOMS!” The next version of Diaspora will allow users to list more than three friends, should there be any demand whatsoever for such a feature.

Facebook works on the now-standard “Web 2.0” business model: 1. Brutally sodomise the personal privacy of anyone who comes within a mile of your service and say “hey baby, I’m sorry” every time you’re busted. 2. Sell ads.

Cyber terrorism identified as major excuse for Olympics

MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.

Robo-BorisAlthough the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.

The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.

A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”

The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,'” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.

In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”

Pizza Express staff to learn secret arts of love

HOT HOT HOT, Slice the Salami, Wednesday (NTN) — Pizza Express will train customer service staff in charm, small talk, flirting and the secret arts of workplace seduction.

Coaches have been brought in to raise employees to a professional standard of temptation all but guaranteed to ruin the judgement of any red-blooded customer and leave them wondering why they thought a Thursday three-for-two deal was a good idea.

“Social media web 2.0 texting eff-two-eff,” said marketing marketer Emma Woods, “compelling story passionate customer service unique techniques complete redefinition of restaurant experience stop me before I kill again. Free garlic bread, happy finish extra.”

New staff are shipped in from eastern Europe under pretence of working in a brothel, only to find themselves confined to a small suburban high street pizza shop in the slums of Richmond and forced into the most degrading emotional labour and pretence of giving a damn. The company controls them by threatening to release photographs of them eating the food.

Turning the staff into bar girls is considered cheaper and more feasible than serving edible meals.

London filled with evil witches, council warns schoolchildren

THE NIGHT GARDEN, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (NTN) — Northamptonshire children heading to London on school trips have been warned that they are at risk from terrorists, monsters, malevolent warlocks, Muslims, for’ners and people who read and have ten fingers.

Northamptonshire County Council issued an alert to all 349 of its schools warning of the memetic evil contained in the slavering pit of depravity in question. The council introduced the measure as the current ambient nonspecific fear level in Britain is “severe,” meaning a terrorist attack has happened in the past ten years.

“It is certain that, should any child be so foolish as to go near London, they shall be lured into a gingerbread house and boiled in the cauldron lickety-spit. Placing their parents in stocks in the village square before their children can be subjected to such horrors is part of the council’s duty of care.”

Head teachers have been ordered to inform the council’s Witchfinder General of any plans for visits to the capital. Parents who fill in permission slips for trips to London will be advised by the Inquisition of the threat of them meeting persons who are not quite our sort of people at all, darling, and given the option to withdraw their children or face the Question.

Mother-of-two Rachel Peace, from Kettering, said the council’s warning seemed “a bit excessive,” and complained of the expense of torches and pitchforks in school uniform colours.