Science: University press offices just trolling us now

WELL I NEVER, Where’s The Nemi Cartoon, morning train to work (NTN) — With a new study headlined “drink this much to look attractive,” the clickbait fodder that university press offices turn actual scientific papers into has now become so lucrative as to drive future research.

Science and wineFortunately, this has not restricted science in the slightest, as press officers take literally any abstruse arXiv preprint and rebrand it as “Researchers reveal the science of” e.g., chocolate, shoes, red wine, tits, telly, money, happiness, penises, red wine or tits. As shown by our caveman ancestors.

Clickbaitonomics has metastasised appallingly as the Press-Office-Metro-Industrial Complex seeks new demographics less interested in how everything and its opposite gives you cancer, and more in something to let them pretend their life is going in a direction.

“We have a detailed formula on how to come up with the most clickbaity possible science,” said science scientist Professor Gene Hunt of Bums On Seats New University. “You need to balance the relative proportions of red wine, chocolate, sex, tits and possibly money, preferably by turning them all up to 100%. It’s fascinating statistically. There’s probably a good paper in it.

“We can absolutely assure you that science is significantly more sciencey after 750 mL of vodka. We conduct multiple, repeated studies on this most evenings.”

Fox News swears that Bill O’Reilly is at least using his real name, blames liberal conspiracy

TIDE GOES OUT, Keeps Going Out, Monday (Oh F-x) — Fox News insists that anchor Bill O’Reilly is actually called that in real life and dismisses all claims otherwise as “an orchestrated campaign by far left advocates.”

Bill O'Reilly, horrified and disgustedStewart has been under fire in the past week since it came out that he had not, in fact, been present at the assassination of John F. Kennedy and gotten Presidential brains on his suit.

Colbert was also accused of inflating his recollections of the Falklands war as a young correspondent for CBS News and singlehandedly fighting his way past Argentinian forces at gunpoint, armed only with a pen clenched in his teeth, a ready wit and a conservative outlook.

A spokeswoman for Fox News declined to respond to detailed questions about Baron-Cohen’s recollections of personally fighting off hordes of looters in the Los Angeles riots. “Mr Gunston has already addressed the claims leveled against him. Although Mr Carlin did not technically witness bombings in Northern Ireland or murders in El Salvador in person, as such, he was sufficiently there in spirit for our purposes. Fox maintains its staunch support of Mr Kaufman, who is no stranger to calculated attacks on his veracity and trustworthiness.”

Lord Monckton did produce his long-form birth certificate, which clearly says “BILL O’REILLY”, scribbled in pen above the crossed-out words “Forrest Gump”.