Category Archives: Russia

Microsoft releases eight critical new security holes

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Redmond, Tuesday (NNGadget) — After what was expected to be an unusually quiet Patch Tuesday, Microsoft has released eight patches for applications with an insufficient number of security holes.

Insulty the Office Persistent“Our market is the enterprise,” said Microsoft security marketer Jonathan Ness. “Information technology professionals know that Windows is the greatest IT job creation scheme in history. Without Patch Tuesday, there’s no reason for the experienced IT worker to spend his time hiding out in the server room watching progress bars and getting over his hangover. Also, you can’t tell people a virus ate their mail, you actually have to get it back for them.”

The updates include “critical” patches to Windows Media Player visualisations, Zune player software, that really cute dinosaur cursor and Age Of Empires II. The exploits opened by these patches allow a malicious user to take webcam pictures of your pimply butt, steal your pizza delivery and have sex with your girlfriend. The exploits have already been marketed to the Dark Security market by Microsoft Russia.

“Windows 7 won’t be vulnerable!” added Ness. “Did we mention how fantastic Windows 7 will be? Also, Vista’s pretty good! Really! The London Stock Exchange was probably still on XP!”

Several faintly cat-piss-smelling Linux users pointed and laughed in a nerdy bray at the news and a much larger number of annoying Mac users showed off their new model iPod Nanos.

Heroic Putin saves workers from tiger

PUTIN’S TROUSERS, Manly Heaven, Sunday (RT) — Vladimir Putin has taken a brief pause in lambasting the effete Westerners to save a Russian television crew from a Siberian tiger while visiting the Ussuri reserve in Siberia.

Putin fishingAs Mr Putin was arriving to see a trapped Amur tiger, it escaped and ran towards the camera crew. Putin is said to have quickly grabbed the 200kg beast, raised it above his head, body-slammed it to the ground, called its mother a Georgian, buggered it senseless and finally tranquilised it with three blows about the head from his engorged manhood.

The former KGB spy had several takes filmed of him striding through the taiga in camouflage trousers, desert boots and no shirt before he grappled with the tiger, that part unfortunately not being recorded. He helped measure the Amur tiger’s incisors with his massive penis (also not filmed) before placing a satellite transmitter around the neck of the beast, firmly gluing it on with his own testosterone.

“Vladimir Putin not only managed to see the giant predator up close but saved our crew,” gushed a presenter at the start of the main evening news. “The Leader stopped off only to fertilise my receptive womanhood with his pounding manliness. I am deeply honoured to further his superior Russian genes.”

Putin thanked Western researchers for also attempting to help save the Amur tigers. “But come to me and I’ll show you how to do it right. EU girly men.”