Category Archives: Europe

Nestlé to mulch only organic, non-GMO babies from 2015

VEVEY, Suisse, Thursday (NTN) — Nestlé will be removing all artificial flavours and colours, like Red 40, Yellow 5 and Screaming Agony 666, from its chocolate candy products by the end of 2015, replacing them with the delicious tears of malnourished infants.

Death by chocolate“Nestlé is the world’s leading nutrition, health and — hold on, is this right? — wellness company, or the first world’s at least,” said Doreen Ida, Nestlé USA Confections & Snacks president.

Consumers have long surveyed as wanting food not to contain artificial colours, flavours, genetic modifications, DNA, microwaves, wifi, chemicals or atoms, apparently preferring to eat alchemical workings using only the four humours.

“We have consulted with Food Babe on a new process, using only pure, wholesome, organic and sustainably-farmed pain and suffering, guaranteed to be from poor people in a country that isn’t yours. We know you are fully willing to make sacrifices to improve your lifestyle, as long as those sacrifices are of other people halfway around the world.”

The nourishing tears of children dying in pain are the vital ingredient in the new process, preferably those gathered from tainted formula induced dysentery. “Obviously too foolish and dissolute to use safe Nestlé privatised water!” All babies are certified to have grown up in an environment with minimal quantities of artificial chemicals, electromagnetic radiation or modern allopathic medicines.

“We never compromise on taste. Maintaining the great taste and appearance consumers expect from the chocolate brands they know and love is our number-one priority. It is technically true that a mountain of suffering goes into every bite, but we’d never let that compete with your convenience. Nestlé: Good Food, Good Life. Yours, Anyway.”

Artists’ beards evolved to be “structurally different”

WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom.

Breasts and their real ale JordanThe study, published in the Journal of University Press Releases, looked at the self-reported beard scans of 21 art students and 23 non-artists.

“The beard becomes an extension of the nervous system, constituting cat’s-whisker-like receptors that directly detect artistic nuance,” said coauthor Justso McStory.

The vinyl edition of ancient caveman tribal chants, purchased on Record Store Day in honour of the goddess Eostre, was preferred in the ancestral evolutionary environment. “We have found ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon cans in the caves of Lascaux.”

A similar study last December found that male brains were more oriented to beer and football, while female brains were clearly evolved to look pretty, do housework and wear pink. This could explain why men are “better at doing this sort of science” and women are better at having the credit stolen whenever they try.

The authors note that the balance between the influence of nature and nurture is never easy to divine, and training and upbringing also plays a large role in ability. “The beardiness requirement, of course, demonstrates why chicks are no good at this stuff and should just stand at the side looking on admiringly, preferably with their tits out. It’s science, dear.”

Further stupidly small studies from the Journal show quantum healing vibrations causing cancer (particularly from reading Facebook posts about them), cannabis curing cancer (“fire kills cancer in vitro, so you need to smoke it through a bong for best results”) and a survey of bad evolutionary psychology stories in the media correlated by month. “Apparently it’s August twelve months a year now.”

Europe simulates total cyber war

WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated “cyber attack,” in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for “cyber security” while still using Windows.

Atari 5200 Missile CommandThe simulation steadily reduced access to critical services to gauge how nations react, removing access to working email, letting loose old viruses and charging €300 callout fees to look at why you can’t log in.

Neelie Kroes, European commissioner for the digital agenda, said the exercise was intended to help expose short-comings in existing procedures for combating attacks on funding. “It is an important first step towards working together to combat potential online threats to essential infrastructure and the consulting fees therefrom.”

The exercise also tested how nations work together to avoid a complete shut-down of international links when internet service providers charge £50/month for a “super-fast” connection with a 20GB bandwidth cap.

The exercise was overseen by bouncing new baby quango the European Network Security Agency. “We considered just bombing Redmond, Washington from orbit, which simulations showed would have pretty much solved all attacks over the network itself,” said Dr Udo Helmbrecht, most recently of outsourcing firm EDS Capita Goatse. “But we’re not so silly as to put ourselves out of a job.”

Plagiarism is not plagiarism, says plagiarist

LA CARTE, Le territoire, Wednesday (Le Monde Petit) — Michel Houellebecq has angrily denounced as “incompetents” anyone noticing that large chunks of his latest novel Messieurs, démarrez vos photocopieurs were directly lifted from Wikipedia.

The book, published last week, was acclaimed as a “work of genius” by the newspaper Libération. “Specifically,” it noted, “other people’s genius.”

“If these people really think that passing off other people’s work as one’s own is ‘plagiarism,'” said Mr Houellebecq, “they haven’t got the first notion of what literature is. Taking other people’s stuff and making money from it is part of my method. It’s a form of beauty, money.”

Unlike his previous books, the new one contains no attacks on Islam and no overt misogyny, though it does note that BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL.[citation nécessaire] However, its neutrality and notability have been questioned.

“Using a big word like ‘plagiarism’ always causes some damage,” he complained. “There will now be people who think I’m the sort of person who takes other people’s work uncredited, just because I take other people’s work uncredited.”

Mr Houellebecq has angrily withdrawn from publicity for the novel to concentrate on his next original work, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

Pope comes out as deep-cover atheist

HOLY CRAP, Vatican City, Monday (NTN) — Joseph Ratzinger has resigned as Pope and revealed his rôle as a deep-cover atheist operative, who worked many decades to discredit the Catholic Church.

“I’m profoundly sorry I couldn’t pull the plug on the whole rotten edifice,” said Mr Ratzinger, 83, of Rome. “I’d have gone the way of John Paul I. But I’ve worked hard to cause the terrible truth to expose itself to the world.”

Soon after joining the Hitler Youth, the young Ratzinger was recruited by the atheist pagan Hitler to advance Darwinian evolution, the atheist religion, the Thule Society, the World Ice Theory and the collective Aryan unconscious. “We knew the key was getting evolution in there. My previous deep-cover report, Gene ‘Pius’ Pacelli, was as enormously helpful as ever, slipping it into Humani Generis in 1950. And getting away with it!

“From there it was simple — let reason and thought in the door and people will actually apply joined-up thinking to Catholicism, something it had no hope of withstanding. I mean, say something really blatantly stupid like ‘atheism is the cause of the greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice,’ put our sexiest underage agents into the choirs and see how long before the world’s howling for your blood.

“And what happened to the bloke who wrote that British Foreign Office memo? They shuffled him sideways to another job! Honestly, real life outdoes jokes every time.”

Mr Ratzinger plans to retire to his home town of Marktl in southern Germany. “It’s a great relief to come clean after all this time,” he said. “I’m very much looking forward to using this ‘penis’ thing at long, long last. Woo hoo, bevy of bouncing buxom Bavarian babes, here I come! So to speak.”

Richard Dawkins, who had recently revealed his Doctorate in Divinity, was more than a little put out. “I’m most annoyed no-one made this much fuss when I said I liked Christmas services at my local Church of England. I’m trying to give as many clues as possible here, you know.” He retreated to his office with a bottle of Irish whiskey and a Vicar of Dibley box set.

Brown condemns Iceland over terrorist volcanoes

ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland’s terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists’ air tickets.

Gotcha!The UK government used anti-terrorism laws to freeze all British-held assets of Umhverfisráðuneyti, the Icelandic Ministry Against the Environment, after minister Kolbrún bin Halldór threatened to further unleash the power of the Katla volcano in the wake of the devastation to school holidays caused by Eyjafjallajökull.

Thousands of confused and angry passengers wandered around Britain’s becalmed airports today trying in vain to find out how long the disruption caused by the ash cloud might last. “Can’t we just, you know, give the planes a try and see if they fall out of the sky?” said Brenda Busybody, 54 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I reeeally need to go and rest on holiday, Monday I’m back to doing nothing in the office. I pay my licence fee!

The Prime Minister offered his outrage and sympathy, in lieu of money or anything useful. “This is fundamentally a problem with the Icelandic-registered El-stodth Thyonustah Voweld,” said Mr Brown, attempting not to choke on his own tongue. “They have failed the people of Iceland and they have failed the people of Northern Europe! You pay my licence fee! Er, hold on …”

Icelandic Prime Minister Jóhanna bin Sigurðar also offered her sympathies to British travellers. “But, you know, we’re still pretty upset about the cod.”

Nokia frees Symbian code, three or four overjoyed

HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Thursday (Big K) — Nokia, through the Symbian Foundation, has made the code for the Symbian smartphone OS open source, putting several aging geeks in raptures of delight.

GNUPhone“The Symbian OS will delight those of us who fondly remember EPOC on the Psion NetBook,” said Larry Berkin, Symbian’s head of global alliances. “God, that was an OS. Best PDA ever. Finest of British engineering. Sixteen whole kilobytes! You could run a truck over them. I bet an open source Symbian OS will let you run a truck over your phone.”

The Foundation hopes to pit Symbian against Windows Mobile. “There’s no way it can compete against our superior features, like WAP browsing, infrared connect to your laptop and, of course, the serial port.” It also hopes to set the stage for a march on the USA. “The Americans will fall before our superior engineering! Psion worked on the ZX81, you know.”

There are currently about 330 million Symbian devices in the world, at least fifteen of whose owners can actually use the web browser without wanting to throw the phone through a window and just get an iPhone. “Just think,” said Berkin, “now anyone can improve their phone! Well, they could if Nokia made phones the user could flash. But still!”

The Foundation issued a press release about how the open-sourcing of Symbian was welcomed by free software advocates and other aging hippies. “Developers everywhere will want to study Symbian,” said Eben Moglen, “to hack on it, and to write applications for it. This could be even bigger than the Amiga.”

Successor to MP3 does less, worse, at higher price

KOMPUTERWELT, Trans Europe Excess, Monday (NTN) — Karlheinz Brandenburg, the 1990 inventor of MP3, has come up with its successor format, MusicDNA, which is the same except it doesn’t work because of DRM.

Microsoft Zune “Anus” logoThe MusicDNA format will see not just songs, but lyrics, video, artwork, weblogs and a whacking pile of DRM in all your music. “Not only will you be more connected to the artist as they spam you with a metric arseload of advertising, you’ll be able to buy the song over and over again just to keep listening to it.”

The service provides users up to 32GB of bonus content per track. “It will be dynamically updatable, so the user can keep getting new stuff. Of course, the record companies would never take this opportunity to erase all your music when they feel like it.”

MusicDNA files are expected to cost more than MP3s, as the value equation in paying real money for an insubstantial virtual download of ones and zeroes is obviously entirely comparable and people should expect to pay a premium to be advertised to. “I can’t wait for my MP3 player to send all my personal information to someone who can then spam me with targeted ads,” said Fraunhofer stock photo model KT Myspce. “How ‘fab’ and ‘bling!'”

A beta version of the service will be available this spring, with the full experience likely to be rolled out in the summer, at which point MusicDNA will join MP3Pro (the previous anointed successor to MP3), HD-DVD, MiniDiscs, Digital Compact Cassette and Betamax. Linux users will keep telling people to use Oggs.

Neanderthals “died of makeup”

ANSWERS IN REVELATION, Bob Jones University, Sunday (NTN) — American Conservative archaeologists have unearthed evidence that Neanderthals wore makeup and jewelry, directly leading to their moral decline and eventual extinction.

Researchers say the discovery proves the human subspecies were not the “halfwits” people assume, and were in fact too smart for their own good. “They not only wore makeup, evidence shows they danced in primitive discotheques and, from these Stone Age amyl nitrate bottles, were probably sodomites as well. No doubt they were moral relativists who thought gray areas in thought existed. ‘Oh, those Cro-Magnons are no threat to us, they’re just normal people with weird high foreheads!’ But what do you expect, Neanderthals were a European subspecies. It’s clear that ‘liberalism’ is another word for death.”

Past artistic depictions of Neanderthals, as supplied by the University of Metro, have consistently shown them as masculine, slope-browed, grunting and hairy. These results indicate said depictions were of the female of the race.

Young Earth Creationists have long held that Neanderthals were just as human as modern humans. “However, it is clear from that their disgusting and non-reproductive sexual behaviour that they were evolutionists. This is why they were forbidden passage on the Ark. Further, fossil remains indicate that Neanderthals formed the first manifestations of what we now know as the Democrat Party.”

When football fans behave badly, or politicians advocate reactionary views, their behaviour is invariably referred to as “Neanderthal,” in an allusion to how many are closeted homosexuals.

Polanski thanks supporters of drug rape as extradition wait continues

HUMBERT, Switzerland, Friday (NTN) — Roman Polanski has thanked creepy rape apologists worldwide in his battle to avoid extradition to the US for the artistically necessary 1977 drug rape of a 13-year-old girl.

“Messages have come from supporters of drugging children and fucking them from across the world,” the Oscar-winning rapist wrote in an open letter published on the website of French intellectual and drug rape apologist Bernard-Henri Levy.

“I would like every one of them to know how heartening it is, when one is locked up in a cold, bare cell — and my luxurious ski resort chalet is a cold, bare cell to me — to hear this murmur of human voices and of solidarity with drugging and fucking young girls.”

The 76-year-old director is now under house arrest in Switzerland and facing extradition to the United States where he could be sentenced for having drugged and fucked a 13-year-old girl he was photographing in 1977. He fled the country in 1978 on the eve of sentencing because he believed a judge might actually dare put him, of all people, in jail on some trumped-up pretext.

“It’s clearly victimisation of an artiste by a judge who just doesn’t understand Hollywood,” said celebrity drug rape supporter Whoopi Goldberg. “Luring in kids, giving them drugs and then sodomising them mercilessly and brutally is what this town was built on. The camerawork on the images of the drugged young girl’s anus skewered on the end of Mr Polanski’s genius cock as she mumbled ‘no, stop, no’ was particularly awe-inspiring. You don’t get work like that for free.”

The “Free Polanski” movement is widely considered even wackier than hip-hop’s periodic “Free Some Guy Who Totally Deserved To Go To Jail” movements.