TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — Take That star Mark Owen last night sensationally confessed to having been caught by The Sun shagging his dick off and getting stupendously pissed in the process.
The “squeaky clean” multi-millionaire singer opened his heart to his tabloid blackmailers in a bid to wipe the slate clean and start afresh with Gary Barlow. He broke the news of his cheating to Barlow, surrogate mother of the band.
“I am deeply disappointed,” said Barlow. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s that Williams cunt.”
The singer blamed enormous sums of money and huge fame for the opportunity to shag most things in a skirt with a pulse, leading millions of the chart-topping band’s adoring fans, who are now generally of legal age, to conclude that a bit of Take That cock is actually an achievable possibility.
“I have been an idiot, a dickhead,” said Owen, “to let a tabloid catch me at it. On the other hand, advertising my openness to several bits on the side will be good future marketing for when I’m in the mood for a handy bit of disposable totty. Also, I can afford much higher quality alcohol than almost everyone,” he said, raising a glass of shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck champagne. “Drink?”
Owen and wife Emma married in a Scottish castle last October, watched by smiling bandmates Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and Jason Orange, Robbie Williams having been left gaffer-taped naked to a lamp post with his cock painted red on the buck’s night.