Home from Afghanistan by 2014 after the all-night rave

FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA.

Lil’ Kim in a burqa and bikiniThe drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be “ecstasy,” allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to “open up more,” put aside their differences and unite in the spirit of cosmic human oneness.

“MDMA seems to bring people into the optimal zone and help them process things and not be overwhelmed by their feelings,” said Dr Michael Mithoefer, whose scientific studies never seem to be short on volunteers. The study required overnight stays and all-day therapy sessions, at a steady and relaxing 105 to 110 beats per minute.

The drug problem in Afghanistan remains severe, however, with reports of people’s ketamine drinks being contaminated with aloe vera. President Hamid Karzai has asked for $13 billion in aid, but notes that an E, or even two, is way cheaper than a night on the piss.

The next field of action for the Army will be back home in the UK, where the Ministry of Sound’s attempted extortion letters to alleged downloaders via ACS Law will be dealt with in a thorough, professional and, most of all, conclusive manner by several thousand squaddies somewhat annoyed at them harshing their mellow.

Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal

HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott’s plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. “Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible.”

Gay Pope BenedictMr Abbott’s proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of Christianity and “the great texts at the core of our civilisation.” Also, he’s going to lose anyway, so might as well shore up the base.

“We agree that people should study the Bible,” said the Atheist Foundation of Australia. “Did you know that God personally killed 2,301,417 people? Those are the ones numbered, there are about thirty-three million in collateral damage. Satan killed ten, and those were only because God put him up to killing Job’s family. Be good, or God will show you His love!

“Don’t forget that in the same bit He hates on the gays, God calls out prawns as an equal abomination. And wearing poly-cotton blends. And having an inside toilet. Though the bit where you have to stone your kids to death if they’re profligate drunkards might get the little shits to fucking behave.

“Not to mention the contradictions. We want to hear a creationist reconcile Genesis chapters 1 and 2. Or tell us what Christ’s last words were. Or tell us how Judas died. Reading different chapters side-by-side is great stuff. Oh, and don’t forget maths classes, where they can see the Bible solemnly declare that pi equals three.

“But most of all, we want to hear Tony Abbott reading the Song of Solomon in Parliament.”

“There’s probably no Liberal Party,” said Julia Gillard. “Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

Zac Goldsmith calls for investigation of his parents

PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents’ investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote ‘ZAC WOZ ERE’ in strawberry jam on the counter.

Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting he had followed exactly the same practices in declaring his use of the kitchen as every other petulant child. But he only agreed to address the issue after a heated ten-minute spat with his mother and father over whether they had previously refused him a right to reply to accusations of having “bottled out” of bath time the previous week.

Interviewed about the mess in the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith angrily refused to talk about the biscuit, chocolate or jam claims unless his mother first apologised for what he said were “lies” about him declining to appear in the bathroom Friday night. “I won’t talk about the specifics until I get this point across,” he said, accusing his mother of deliberately “misleading” his father by saying he had turned down bath time requests in favour of happening to be playing in the field behind the house. “You knew that was not true at the time, you know it’s not true now,” he told her. Each time he was questioned about the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith instead insisted on pressing her about the non-appearance at bath time, at one point calling her a “charlatan.”

Mr Goldsmith’s father proceeded to tan Mr Goldsmith’s backside a very fetching bright red colour, while commending the boy on his persistence in maintaining his position. “He will go far,” said Sir James. “Possibly to the gallows.”

Amy Winehouse to branch out into music

BACK IN THE BLACK, Camden High Street, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity gossip star Amy Winehouse will diversify her career to something to do with music, she told incredulous reporters today.

Amy Winehouse in the peak of mental health and alertness“I’ve always felt a musical urge,” she said today, “humming tunes to myself as I snorted the streets of Camden clean. It’s gunna have these ‘songs’ on it, right. We’ll put on about a record’s worth. Yeah. I’m gunna make these noises, right, with my mouth, over the top of the music. I know, it sounds weird, but it could be really good! Prob’ly!”

Miss Winehouse is famed as the “go-to” celebrity for the paparazzo down on his quota, having worked extensively with the finest terrible tattooists and plastic surgeons to make her image instantly recognisable.

“In fact, I actually made a record several years ago,” she claimed to laughter from the assembled journalists. “I wouldn’t expect people to remember back that far, of course.”

Professor Richard Dawkins spoke out against “pop music charlatanry.” “These people expect to take our money for the most transparent of lies, such as Amy Winehouse having anything whatsoever to do with music. If you have evidence that Amy Winehouse has anything to do with music, why not show it and be hailed as the new Einstein? Of course, we know you cannot — because you are a fraud.

“Still, I’ll credit them for not trying to claim Cheryl Cole had anything to do with music. That would simply be ridiculous.”

Women may have 104 hairstyles in a single edition

WELL I NEVER, Wake Me Up Before I Stop Stop, Wednesday (NTN) — University of Metro researchers say that women can have 104 hairstyles in a single reading of a paper on the morning bus or train.

The study of 3,000 women, all in the commercially desirable 20-39 office worker demographic, revealed 44 per cent changed their hair because of the Nemi or 118 118 cartoon, 25 per cent because they were still hung over, 16 per cent because they were going to shoot everyone in the office the minute they arrived while singing “Bad Romance” deliberately out of tune and the remainder because they were hung over and claimed they’d meant to do that.

The report was commissioned, unsurprisingly, by a hairdresser. “My feeling is that women are changing their looks little and often rather than dramatic changes,” said the fatuous braying fuckwit in question. “For example, you can say ‘Jennifer Aniston’ and they will almost all recoil in horror, before admitting they had dragged their boyfriends to Sex and the City 2 just to piss them off. I mean, it’s obvious they can’t possibly get a good boyfriend or a decent job without their pubes sculpted and coloured to perfection.”

But the change is not always for the better, with almost three quarters of women admitting they regretted having gotten up that morning rather than having had an attack of anarchistic revolutionary feminism, cutting their boyfriend’s dick off and setting the world on fire. Although by lunchtime they would have called into work saying they’d be in the next day, having a certain predilection for chocolates and Sky TV that needed funding. “It’s so hard to find someone who really understands calf hair braiding,” said one ball-busting womyn. “‘Natural’ colour? Wot’s that, then?”

Church of England controversially suggests women may be human

KINGDOM OF HECK ON EARTH, Dibley, Monday (NTN) — The General Synod of the Church of England has ruled that women may technically be regarded as a variety of human, leading to international outrage and threats of a schism.

Pink church in Hassall GreenWomen will be considered eligible to be elected to humanity, though traditionalist Anglican priests will be allowed to maintain their claimed Biblical right to assume mental incompetence of all females and speak to them only via a man.

The decision has left much division in its wake, with many traditionalists referring to the Apostle Paul’s clear statements regarding the regulation number of penises required before being considered a member of Homo sapiens.

“Some traditionalists left the synod chamber in tears,” said The Reverend Prebendary David Houlding. “In tears! Not that we’re leaving. We can be much more spiteful pains in the arse by sticking around. But the scope for making other people’s lives a misery in the Church of England is getting narrower and narrower and the options are rapidly closing. We had to treat sodomites as humans, now women. What next? Papists?”

The Catholic Church had offered a happy refuge for those who loathed and despised homosexuals, females and other lesser creatures, though Anglican priests who had considered the offer were not in general really all that interested in raping children.

Census axed as accurate information declared frivolous

PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is.

Out of data errorFirst-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate information for resource allocation and electoral boundary reallocation. “So obviously we need to fix that last one,” said Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude. “Experian should tell us no-one actually lives in Scotland, for example, so we needn’t run votes there at all.” The new Tory seats from the process will be termed “well-matured boroughs.”

Local councils looked forward to the initiative. “We expect several million previously-unrevealed residents to show up in our borough,” said Tower Hamlets council leader Lutfur Rahman, “all postal-voting for Labour, which should get us roughly one MP per street. We should also be able to get Urdu declared an official British language on the strength of our numbers.”

Mr Maude replied that he could use robust political science to disprove the existence of Tower Hamlets, if need be. “The numbers my staff came up with here suggest Tower Hamlets is actually somewhere off Skye, for example. Facts are an annoyance, so I suggest Mr Rahman not cross them.”

Innovation not important, says science minister

EYE OF NEWT, Salem, Friday (NotScientist) — Science Minister David Willetts says Britain should give up this “science” rubbish and copy everyone else. “It worked for the … Well. I’m sure it worked for someone. Look, I have a business case here.”

Compact Fluorescent Fester LightbulbAs a professor of business with a degree in politics, Mr Willetts was the obvious choice to be responsible for science. “Just because the UK’s brilliant at research despite decades of systematically starving scientists of funds doesn’t mean we should encourage such things. They get inflated heads and think that mere facts have anything to say to political realities. Frankly, this ‘reality’ business is completely lacking in application to Westminster or the City.”

Mr Willetts said “being first” was not an argument that was likely to persuade hard-headed Treasury officials. “Just because Cambridge makes all its money from original science and engineering. Hardly the way we did it in Oxford, what!”

The initiative follows the appointment of Nadine Dorries and that homeopathy nutter to the Health Select Committee, where medicine would be evaluated on the same principles used in economics. “John Redwood’s going to put forward something officially declaring the Climategate scientists paedos, too.”

Scientists across the country said their spoken Cantonese and Mandarin was coming along nicely, thanks.

Activision releases Video Game Hero

HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Saturday (Big K) — Activision has announced its new playalong title, Video Game Hero, in which the player immerses himself in the world of the cultural hero of the twenty-first century: the gamer.

The player enters a virtual parents’ basement and starts shadowing an expert game of Tetris. He works his way up through pretending to pretend to farm an imaginary farm in a virtual version of Facebook to going “yeah, see?” next to a non-player character pimping nonexistent hoes in Grand Theft Auto. Additional modules kill your player and call you “n00b” and “fag.”

But it’s not all video playalong — players have to click to gain additional powerups of Cheetos and Diet Coke. Traps include hygiene points and female players. An Anime Expo subgame requires the player to cosplay a character one-third their avatar’s weight, a foot shorter and the opposite sex.

The game comes with an authentic imitation controller, with all the buttons of a real controller.

Later titles this season include Journalism Hero, in which you follow the bouncing cliches on a screen and try to cut’n’paste the phrases in increasingly bizarre and meaningless combinations to win the most Google hits for the day and keep your job.

However, scientists at the Print Publication and Buggy Whip Institute issued an epistle cautioning that Journalism Hero could lead to short attention spans, shallow emotional affect and blathering buckets of shite over anyone in range.

Journalists back to core competencies as house prices do something

HIGH SOCIETY, Skid Row, Friday (NTN) — British house prices are set to go up, go down or possibly stay the same, according to relieved Daily Mail journalists looking for something to fill space with.

A quarterly survey of 27 analysts showed house prices would probably do something that could be turned into copy, with editors dusting off the Microsoft Word macros they used to generate half the paper in 2007.

Analysts still believe newspaper space is overvalued and the forecasts are a far cry from the double-digit page area percentages seen in the boom years, but they will provide some relief to editors who saw thousands wiped from their real estate advertising income.

“We are not currently predicting a double dip,” said editor Paul Dacre, “but we should be able to ease up on the stories about immigrants and celebrities, only having to repeat them every third day instead of every other day.”

Mr Dacre stressed the importance of such news coverage to society and the nation. “With the thicker papers, you could more easily build a little house to live in next to your park bench.”