GOSH, Well I Never, Monday (NNN) — In a completely expected occurrence, it snowed in winter today, providing Britain — that is to say, London — with the trivial excuse it needed to shut down entirely.
“We were shocked, shocked,” said the “500 Service Unavailable” page on nationalrail.co.uk. “The weather forecast was entirely accurate, completely catching us off guard.”
Everyone has called in working from home and not skiving and looking at porn all day, no no. The only workers expected to show up are the pathological corporate whores. “I bet the economy loses millions because everyone’s late into work,” said some utterly workbroken and friendless City drone under the delusion that anyone gave a damn or didn’t want him dead.
“This ‘nanny’ state is so mollycodled it cant think for itself any longer!” said BBC Have Your Say commentator Boris Busybody, East Cheam. “Its Nu-Labour terrists an the unions. STRING EM UP ITS THE ONLY LANGAGE THEYLL UNDERSTAND.”
Things should be normal by Friday with it pissing down rain, which everyone can cope with. Except train companies.
NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NotScientist) — Scientists say they now have conclusive proof that global warming is due to man’s influence.
The man in question is Bob Mongler, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. Rapid and significant warming in both the Antarctic and Arctic can only have been caused by Bob’s influence, says the report in Nature Geoscience. Bob is the cause of significant warming over both polar regions since 2000.
Greenhouse gases from Bob are the main driver of the change, along with Friday night curries, chemicals and particles of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. He also drives a 4×4, reads the Daily Mail and drinks Stella.
“We tried large simulations of natural climate change to see if we could obtain the same results,” said Dr Peter Stott of the Met Office, “but it couldn’t be done. It is only when you factor in this thoughtless prat’s influence that you achieve these results. With Bob’s influence the findings are consistent and predictable. Without it they are not.”
“It’s not clear what we can do about this wanker,” said Dr Nathan Gillett of the University of East Anglia. “His wife is actually worse, you know.” Mr Mongler mumbled something about asylum seekers and political correctness gone mad.