Boris Johnson to become Sheriff of London

BULLINGDON, London SE1, Friday (NNN) — Boris Johnson is set to become the first Sheriff of London when the Conservatives are finally elected, any day now.

Robo-BorisThe move follows his dashing rescue of a distressed maiden earlier this month. “The armour was a bit heavy. This kit’s a lot lighter. I like the hat and the tin star.”

However, Labour MPs warned against “creeping politicisation” of the nation’s police forces. “Just imagine if the police only did what the government told them. You’d have them beating up people without a care, arresting opposition MPs and … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.”

The Tories denied that politicians would be able to influence day-to-day operations. Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling insisted that new laws would stop elected commissioners interfering in operational police decisions. “We’ll ask them to be very nice about it before they summarily fire them. I’m sure Boris would never do anything like that. Again.”

Mr Grayling hailed Boris Johnson as the “pathfinder” for the reforms. “Boris is the sort of sure-footed, confident and competent fellow we want leading a controversial new initiative. (Dave, are you quite sure about this bit?)”

Jordan eats kangaroo’s anus

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity celebrity Katie “Jordan” Price has fulfilled her contractual obligations on I’m A Celebrity For God’s Sake Kill Me Now by eating a kangaroo’s anus.

Breasts and their real ale JordanThe star was placed through a series of humiliating trials by popular audience vote in which she was covered in cockroaches, had to count to ten without using her fingers and, of course, was forced to eat a kangaroo’s anus.

Ms Price had entered the show to get over her relationship with slightly less vacuous twat Peter Andre, who has come out of all this actually looking good by comparison, the £350,000 being a mere token of ITV’s affection. Viewers welcomed her and the chance to make her eat a kangaroo’s anus.

Her proven popularity has led to ITV commissioning a second series of her reality TV show, What Katie Did Next, in which she eats a kangaroo’s anus.

ITV executives reassured voters that Jordan had in fact had to actually eat an actual kangaroo’s actual anus. On television.

Jordan has also dumped her transvestite side of beef with a cock Alex Reid, so at least she’s not shagging one any more.

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“Going Rogue” sells 500,000 copies, some read

DEATH VALLEY, Alaskan Sahara, Wednesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin, America’s next Republican president, has sold half a million copies of her autobiography Going Rogue, some of which have apparently been opened and read.

Sarah Palin chows down on her own shoe“The moment we got a prerelease copy,” said Calvin Woodward of the Associated Press, “we cut the spine off and scanned it in for analysis. But I can reassure you that it was entirely done by computer, and no journalists risked harm by actually touching a copy.”

The book details Mrs Palin’s rise from mayor of Wasilla to Governor of Alaska and failed Vice-Presidential candidate. After this has been covered in the first five pages, the rest of the book has been left blank, to save on ink.

“We don’t need to read a book,” said Palin fan Buffy Busybody at a signing today. “That’s dangerous and un-Christian. Nope, we know what she thinks. She’s like us. A good God-fearing down-home moose-shooting hockey mom who’ll lead us against the Muslin French terrists in Wall Street. ‘You betcha!’ You’ll see.”

The book is expected to remain in the Apocalyptic Fiction bestseller list for some time and has already been made into a movie, 2012, about the end of all life on Earth a month after her election.

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Turnbull still stuck with Liberal leadership

MUTINY ON THE TITANIC, Blighmey, Tuesday (NNN) — Australian Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has fended off a leadership challenge by the clever tactical expedient of making sure no-one wants the job.

Malcolm Turnbull as the PhantomMr Turnbull had angered many of his more conservative Liberal Party colleagues by such heresies as accepting the scientific view of global warming and climate change, occasionally showing less than a fanatical devotion to the Monarchy, privately expressing doubts as to whether the earth was created six thousand years ago and — rumour has it — having ten fingers.

Turnbull said yesterday he had majority support from his Liberal Party colleagues for his deal with the government over its proposed Emissions Trading Scheme, threatening them with quitting the leadership and leaving one of them holding the bag.

Former ministers Kevin Andrews and Tony Abbott suggested they might stand against Turnbull, to gales of laughter. “Malcolm has a tin ear for politics,” said Mr Abbott, “and lacks the temperament for the job. Excuse me, my reactor core needs refueling.”

Labour Prime Minister Kevin Rudd suggested he might give it a go if they liked, to an uncomfortable silence in the Liberal party room.

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Microsoft in exclusive search-engine deal with Murdoch

PIONEER SQUARE, Seattle, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Microsoft is discussing paying News Corporation for the media company to remove its websites from Google and have them exclusively searchable via Microsoft Bob Hope, setting the scene for a search engine battle that could offer a ray of light to the newspaper industry, which has yet to construct an online business model that adequately replaces vast local monopoly ad revenues.

Steve Ballmer sells Windows 1.0Rupert Murdoch, News Corp chairman, has said that he would use legal methods to prevent Google “stealing stories” published in his papers, including allowing Microsoft to pay him to add Google to a robots.txt file. “I’m always happy to do a deal with a careful, considered bloke like Steve Ballmer. His restraint is well-known, and he certainly wouldn’t blow a massive cash surplus — I’m sorry, that’s now a massive debt surplus — in a series of Hail Mary passes to try to fight Google on its heavily-defended high ground. His decision to give me buckets of cash is entirely reasonable and should be encouraged.”

Microsoft has also approached other big online publishers to persuade them to remove their sites from Google. “Wow,” said the Wikimedia Foundation, “we could get a million dollars for our charitable and educational site not to be findable in Google! Tell you what, we’ll get back to you sometime maybe never. Have you considered an exclusive deal with Conservapedia? They’d fit right in with Fox News. Sorry, did I say that with my outside voice?”

Microsoft is aiming for a direct assault on Google to put pressure on the search engine to start paying for content. “Google’s abuse of their position is legendary,” said Mr Ballmer. “Ninety-five percent of desktop computers are running Windows, most people are browsing with Internet Explorer and only ten percent of those use our Bob Hope search engine. The only possible explanation is Google abusing its monopoly to make people type ‘google.com’ into their address bar and not just leave it at the default Microsoft search. The fiends!”

Google only commented that they couldn’t think of a better couple, before going off to continue selling installations of Gmail and Google Applications to businesses sick of Office and Windows upgrades.

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Chrome OS’s ability to boil babies disputed by Microsoft

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Wednesday (NNN) — Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer played down the news of Google’s new Chrome OS, designed to outdo Microsoft in quickly and efficiently boiling babies on netbooks.

CakeWrecks Baby Carrot Jockey“Yo Sergey,” shouted Ballmer, “I’mma really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but Windows 7 is one of the best baby roasters of all time.” He slowly and lumberingly rolled a seven-foot-tall baby boiler with a Windows logo on the side onto the stage. “One of the best baby roasters of all time!”

Early paid press coverage for Windows 7 lauded its theoretical likelihood of boiling babies in the near future, as compared to the effects of Vista, which left many of the babies with frostbite. “But we are fully confident that with Windows 7, we can get the baby up to 90, 100 degrees every time!” The fine print on the benchmark results revealed these figures were Fahrenheit, not Celsius.

Microsoft’s derision of Chrome OS as unimportant follows Microsoft’s derision of the iPhone, the iPod, Google Search, the Chrome browser, Mozilla Firefox and Linux and any other competitor that’s ended up kicking their lazy fat asses. “With Windows 7™, Microsoft’s baby boiling operations will leave that Jobs asshole in the dust. In the dust!”

Steve Jobs snorted in derision at his rival’s pathetic attempts to do something useful, before revealing Apple’s new iBoil™, which fits in your pocket and will lightly sautee the baby with a bechamel sauce and garnish.

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Shroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on

SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday.

Large Hardon Black HoleThe shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so Christ is Real so Give the Catholic Church Your Bloody Money that the shroud is real, therefore Christ is real, therefore you should give the Catholic Church your bloody money.

“No mediaeval forger would have called him ‘Jesus the Nazarene,'” said Dr Frale. “They just wouldn’t. It’s much more plausible that the fabric magically carbon-dated itself 1300 years into the future, thus demonstrating the essential divinity of carbon-14. Getting my name in all the papers was, of course, the most unexpected and uninteresting of side-effects.”

Inexplicable phenomena have abounded since the Large Hadron Collider was switched back on — with people finding Gordon Brown to be prime minister despite no-one remembering voting for him, an Asian joining the British National Party (and having to shove dog droppings through his own letterbox) and Europe suddenly being a federal state with a president. The bird with a particularly well-aimed baguette was attributed to a rogue French military assault.

“Nothing can go wrong,” said CERN Director General Rolf Heuer, stretching his newly-elastic arm across the room to grab an unrelated conical flask to pipette coloured water into for the press photographers. “The collider cannot possibly cause a black hole to consume the earth, this assertion is just silly. The Pope’s head spontaneously exploding is pure coincidence. We assure the ladies, gentlemen, goosnarghs and quzklms of the press that they can continue to live in the manner humans have for fourteen trillion square years, guarding their precious clutches of eggs from marauding strangelets and malevolent intelligent equations, safe in the knowledge that life continues as it always has and, Gods one, two, seven and thirty-eight willing, always will. Probably.”

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European Union renamed “Greater Belgium”

BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe.

Herman van Rompuy in Hell“I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life,” said Emperor Herman, “in appropriate moderation and with due attention to subclauses (iii)-(v) of section 12 of the third chapter of the memorandum of coronation. We must take care not to go overboard.”

Belgium’s new rise as an imperial power comes after the failure of its early twentieth century African colonial adventures. Later in the last century, the country instead played to its strengths of beer, chocolate and bureaucratic obfuscation, quietly hanging around at the centre of things and making itself useful whilst clogging up all around itself with red tape.

“Imperial Belgium will usher in a new era of brotherhood,” said the Emperor, “with the correct paperwork. The horrors of war will become administratively unfeasible as the Pax Belgia renders the necessary forms and tender documents mysteriously unavailable or unavoidably delayed. Whatever language a citizen speaks, their words will be circumlocutory and obfuscated, facilitating accurate and fidelitous translation into all other tongues with no loss whatsoever of meaning or comprehensibility. The promise of Babel is ours.”

Baroness Catherine Ashton is the British appointee to the position of Chinless Imperial Foreign Minister. Critics claim she has never had a proper job nor a non-appointed political position. However, she points out she was elected by 100% of the twenty-seven voters.

The UK Independence Party continued to call for Britain’s withdrawal from the Empire. “It is beneath the dignity of a Great Power such as Britain to become a new Belgium. We advocate the far preferable fate of becoming the new Albania.”

Tesco Value Internet enters the broadband market

SPILL, Aisle 2, Thursday (NNN) — Supermarket giant Tesco plans to establish itself as a major force in the broadband Internet market with Tesco Value Internet, setting itself up as a rival to to BT, Virgin Media and TalkTalk.

Tesco Value Pornography“It’ll be hard work,” said Tesco Telecoms head Lance Batchelor, “but we have the customer service and engineering excellence ready to equal the market frontrunners. For ten quid a month, you can have internet and phone that cut out at random, customer service from a call centre in Uzbekistan — second-line support will actually have an English vocabulary of over twenty phrases, learnt phonetically! — and random viruses being uploaded to your computer. Even if it’s a Mac.”

The company will sell customers a “cheap and cheerful” modem, in white with red and blue accents, hard-wired to their account. Connection speed will be 16 megabits, with a bandwidth cap of 32 megabits. The basic plan will include “full access to all Internet sites,” particularly those that pay Tesco for access. Web search with Microsoft Bing! is free, web search that finds things will be an extra five pounds. The Sainsbury’s shopping site is anticipated to remain inexplicably nonfunctional at all times on all plans.

Not to be outdone, Asda and LiDL have announced their own broadband offerings. The Asda Smart Price Modem will have flashing white and green lights with electric bits placed inside at random. The LiDL modem will, quite literally, be a block of German-made cheese with wires in.

Waitrose sneered at their competitors’ plans, unveiling their own £40/month offering that connects using a superior piece of tank-like stainless steel design that finds your favoured MP3s and porn for you and pre-sorts them for your convenience.

In full: The Queen’s Speech

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:

My government’s overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A “default vote” option will be put into place such that anyone not showing up and voting will be presumed to have voted for Labour.

Johnny Mnemonic signs onMy government will put into place a cunning series of traps for the Conservatives should they be elected, with all sorts of unfunded legislative initiatives the Tories can either be called out for repealing or pull money out of thin air for should they choose not to.

My government will continue to simulate the appearance of reform and regulation of the financial services industry. My government will introduce blitheringly stupid legislation to cut off everyone’s Internet and stop them complaining on the Guido Fawkes blog. My government will introduce budget deficit reduction legislation. All of these programmes will be designed to kick in around 2011, just to annoy Dave. My government will also continue to tweak Nick Clegg because he quite eminently deserves it.

My government will enshrine in law its commitment to abolish child poverty within the next eleven years. The precise date will be rebased annually, so as to remain eleven years in the future.

My government will legislate against carbon emissions, flooding and rain. Additional legislation will be brought in to tell the tides to turn back.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons I pray that the blessings of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels. And that of that nice Mr Murdoch, who shall remain assured that, whoever is in power, his will shall remain paramount in the governance of our great country.

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