KENYA, Indonesia, Wednesday (WorldNetDaily) — Barack Obama’s alleged long-form birth certificate has been declared fraudulent by the noble and patriotic “Birther” movement, who claim firm evidence that the President is insufficiently white.
“I’ve seen a few Photoshops in my time,” said immigrant Birther and world’s oldest emo kid Orly Taitz. “I can tell from a few of the pixels. They’re nowhere near light enough.”
Donald Trump, the next Sarah Palin, takes credit for provoking the release of this initial documentation of the mysterious Obama, and has now asked if Obama’s college transcript is all that, and something about basketball as the President’s favourite pastime. Betting pools are now forming on when Trump will allude to watermelon and fried chicken.
Birthers are routinely outraged at suggestions that blatant racism is at the heart of their disquiet with Obama’s landslide victory in the 2008 presidential election. So it’s really worth saying it to them, every time.
The Birther movement was originally started by Party Unity My Ass, a group of disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters during the 2008 Democratic primary. They note that Obama has, on his track record so far, been a first-class Republican president.
THAWTELESS, Star City, Monday (NNGadget) — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release of Ubuntu 11.04, “Venereal Vista,” based on the Unity Vista desktop, which only 5 out of 11 first-time users managed to crash in final testing two weeks ago.
Unity is Canonical’s response to the GNOME 3 shell, which uses 1 gigabyte of RAM and four processor cores to exquisitely render a single button in the centre of the screen in beautifully anti-aliased text; when pressed, GNOME tells the user to switch off the computer and do something useful with their life, such as showering.
“This was just not up to the user expectations of Canonical’s vision of the desktop,” said Mark Shuttleworth, from his castle high on a crag in West London. “So we added a ‘minimise’ button too.”
Design is at the centre of Shuttleworth’s roadmap for Unity. “I woke up one day and thought, ‘Gosh, I’d really like to make using my universal general-purpose computer that I can do ANYTHING with feel like I’m using a locked-down three-year-old half-smart phone through the clunky mechanism some l33t h@xx0r used to jailbreak it, I can’t think of a better user experience.’ We’re not quite there yet, but this gets Unity a lot of the way.”
Shuttleworth foresees an exciting future for Linux for the general Internet user. “It’ll be a whole world of Linux devices, which millions of people will use all the time, everywhere! Of course, at the moment those are called ‘phones’ and run Android.”
MILISECOND, Hollyshite, Thursday (NTN) — Labour leader Ed Miliband has warned that Labour is “heading for disaster” if Alex Salmond and the SNP continue their charge towards victory in next week’s elections.
“The SNP will use a victory in Holyrood to press for Scottish independence, threaten the union, cause plagues of frogs and make everything just horrid,” said Mr Miliband. “The stakes are crucial for the whole United Kingdom, particularly the bit with a red rose logo.”
He denied Labour’s campaign was inept and slipshod. “I would characterise it as a good campaign in every possible regard, except the bit where people want to vote for us. Obviously we need better people.”
Addressing an audience at a question-and-answer session in Portobello, Mr Miliband told them their votes could make the difference between a Labour victory or an SNP victory, but stopped when the audience started laughing and cheering.
Alex Salmond’s campaign has revolved around promises of a Scottish economic revival, with the possibility of an economy based on oil, fish or perhaps magic beans. “If we play our cards right,” he said, “we could be the next Iceland! Er, don’t broadcast that bit.”
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, The Beach, Monday (NTN) — Support for the monarchy has increased over the last three days, with three quarters of people saying the Royal Wedding will cheer up the country, provided the weather holds out.
“The Royal Family unites the country,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “Prince Wilberforce and whatserface, Di Middlething. God love ’em!”
The majority of people believe that the Royal Family is still relevant to the country and that we would have less holidays without it. 49 per cent have firmly booked plans to do nothing whatsoever on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday even if they bother showing up at the office.
However, the possibility of rain, lightning strikes on Westminster Abbey, hails of frogs and plagues of boils on Friday has led to formerly loyal office workers breaking out the pitchforks and torches and putting in for al-Qaeda membership, and the planned Royal Wedding street party for Glasgow has been cancelled due to lack of interest. “But see if we can get Thatcher to die on the Thursday and it should be on again in style.”
HAMMERSMITH ODEOUS, Android Market, Friday (NTN) — The £500 LG Optimus 3D, the world’s first 3D smartphone, has been delayed until June, possibly due to 3D on a phone being stupendously pointless rubbish that doesn’t work.
3D technology has been the next big thing for only the last sixty years and is readily available on television, movies and video games. It offers amazing improvements over ordinary moving images: darkness, muddier colours, blurriness, headaches from watching for more than twenty minutes and slower action sequences so the viewer doesn’t throw up.
In video games, the Nintendo 3DS has been a huge hit with tens or even hundreds of end users, some of whom have left the 3D on for a whole day before switching it off forever. 3D on a phone has been heralded by manufacturers, mobile operators, the entertainment industry, the technical press, optometrists drumming up business and everyone else except the actual consumer.
“Five hundred quid for this tremendous advance in telephony?” said industry analyst Mobile Salestwat. “Who wouldn’t bootleg Avatar onto their phone for that! It’s worth every penny for the athletic catgirl boobs to actually poke out the screen at you.”
The phone’s dual five-megapixel cameras also offer the opportunity to drunkenly send grainy 3D photos of your tits to precisely the wrong person, and not remember until you get copies forwarded to your work email via ten other people three days later. “With 3D, people can take the photos and turn them into a 3D-printed plastic sculpture. Just the thing for your desk. Or theirs.”
MISS PRICE’S FINISHING COLLEGE, Essex, Thursday (NTN) — British teenage girls have “the worst binge drinking culture in the Western world” and need better advice on getting smashed with style and elegance.
Half of all 15-year-old girls cannot distinguish Merlots per region, while more than a quarter of 16- and 17-year-old girls are unable to tell a genuine French champagne from méthode Champenoise sparkling wines made in other regions. The bankruptcy of several chains of off-licences has led to a terrible information deficit, with local corner shops unable to reliably advise which superlager best goes with a kebab and chips.
The Demos report sets out recommendations for a youth policy to “empower” young women. “Ministers need to address the underlying problems of low self-esteem and poor parenting during younger girls’ early years, with wine appreciation lessons added to the National Curriculum and annual standardised testing on cork extraction with a flick-knife.”
The report also addresses the damage binge drinking can do, with the risk of camera phone photos showing up on Facebook of girls puking in the gutter while wearing Claire’s Accessories tat.
The government has responded to the report by mooting a special tax on “underclass” alcohol, thus giving people the get-up-and-go entrepreneurial business incentive to make bathtub moonshine and cost the NHS a fortune due to methanol poisoning.
TELLYHOUSE, Cable and Witless, Wednesday (NTN) — Virgin Media will shortly trial 1.5Gbps cable Internet, but only to festering dot-com media cocks who live actually around Shoreditch itself.
“As the pace of technological change increases,” said the ISP in the press release all the papers copied word for word, “it is vitally important to public health that these people have as absolutely much incentive as possible never to leave their homes. Wanking themselves silly over gigabytes of high-definition porn also reduces their likelihood of reproducing.”
With the warmer weather, the Hoxton toxic waste pool has been growing and spreading, with reports of hipster infestations washing up as far afield as Hackney.
If the creative industries cannot be kept under control, by 2015 the entire population of Britain may be beret-wearing latte-sipping surrender monkeys telling you how much they just can’t stand hipsters. Virgin Media is currently rolling out 100Mbps broadband to two million of the most endangered residential premises in the hope of effective quarantine.
In the wider world, high speed Internet will apparently let consumers access all manner of as yet nonexistent socially-redeeming services made of magic beans and pink unicorns, which actually means BitTorrenting a pirated movie in under five minutes. And hitting your download cap in another ten.
Virgin Media also announced that its overall revenue for the first quarter was up 5.7 percent to £982m, as a result of the utter lack of any correlation between making money on a service and actually being able to provide it in a manner even slightly resembling reliability or competence.
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Dibley, Saturday (TNN) — The Last Supper happened “in an unknown cosmic dimension, probably on a Wednesday,” says a professor of a subject that has nothing to do with theology, history or archaeology but does involve inhalation of heavy metal fumes.
Professor Colin Humphreys of Cambridge University says discrepancies in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke as compared with John arose because they used an older calendar than the official Jewish one. Also, that they were provably written decades after the purported fact and it would be amazing if they had any relation whatsoever to reality, let alone each other.
In his new GeoCities website PDF The Mystery Of The Last Supper: In Space!!, the metallurgist and materials scientist uses Biblical, historical and astronomical research to address the fundamental inconsistencies in his own head about the event.
“While Matthew, Mark and Luke say the Last Supper coincided with the start of the Jewish festival of Passover, John claims it took place before Passover. Furthermore, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation and separate trials could not all have taken place on one night only. This has puzzled Biblical scholars for centuries, or at least the ones who don’t know anything about Biblical scholarship.
“This could be explained by the canonical gospels being just four of about twenty allegorlcal narratives written a century later, but, as I explain in my book, it is much more likely to be due to a visiting Cylon battle cruiser beaming down Scotty in the TARDIS.
“I have concluded from my studies that the date this all occurred was 1 April AD33, which my materials science colleagues find amusing for some reason.”
Prof Humphreys will be releasing the second part of his revelatory work “as soon as I get another barrel of green ink in.”
KINDLING, The Amazon, Monday (NTN) — Internet eBook piracy is a “colossal” problem, the Publishers Association warned last night, thus alerting every Metro reader they never needed pay for a book again, having spent the last few years getting thoroughly used to having all their music and movies for free.
The own-goal of giving superlative publicity to their own replacement was applauded by the music industry, which is soon to be purchased at an end-of-business clearance sale by Google. “We suffered for our art,” said Feargal Sharkey, “now it’s their turn.”
Some authors disagree, having had spectacular success with giving away material online. “I mean, you can say, ‘oh, it’s different for Neil Gaiman, he’s an exception, he’s actually talented and worth reading,'” said Cory Doctorow. “But on the other hand, there’s me.”
Some authors have placed “logic bombs” in online books. The new Jeffrey Archer novel has been released in a format booby-trapped with text written by Jeffrey Archer.
The Pirate Bay commended information wanting to be free “or at least very cheap indeed” and noted the powerful incentives to untrammeled political discourse afforded by epilepsy-inducing flashing ad banners and browser popups for online poker and Russian mail-order brides.