RED LIGHT, London SW1A, Sunday (NTN) — The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has called current levels of government lobbying “inconthievable” after three MPs were filmed walking the streets and waggling their arses at the cars of passing lobbyists.
Former ministers Geoff Hoon, Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt, Adam Ingram and Richard Caborn denied any rules were broken and said the bits where they offered to “do it in any position you like, anywhere, even right up there on the front benches, if the money is right, luv” were “taken out of context.”
A new system was being put in place, said Mr Brown, as a result of “unfortunate errors by MPs and terrible media misconceptions” that would be “open and transparent” for the future. “I was shocked and appalled by these goings-on, which of course I knew nothing about. Nothing whatsoever.”
Mr Brown promised “massive changes. There’s got to be a register of lobbying interests, there’s got to be openness and transparency in the expenses system. We can also promise a chicken in every pot and a free bag of money for every reader. And all of this before June! Vote now! While you still can! Or I’ll do that thing where the corners of my mouth go up again. I’m warning you.”
David Cameron called Mr Brown’s comments “the transparent desperation of a failed government. Of course, we would never allow lobbyists that close to Parliament. We’re just putting them up as our PPCs instead.”
AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Saturday (NTN) — Today for Earth Hour, people around the world will “show their concern for the environment” as a substitute for doing anything that would actually help stop Earth from turning into Venus.
The campaign started in Sydney in 2007, when more than two million people turned off their lights and lit candles instead, producing a far greater aggregate mass of carbon dioxide in the process.
“It’s important to do our bit for the world,” said project director Kirsten Hodgson. “I won’t be updating Twitter until half past nine. I went around and made sure all the mobile phone power bricks were unplugged too. That saved 0.02p of electricity right there! Tonight I’ll be doing spreadsheets on my new computer working out our carbon footprint, which is the most direct action I can think of to stop methane release from the Siberian permafrost.”
In the Philippines, Roman Catholic bishops said they would urge the faithful to preserve natural resources from 8:30PM. “There’s no reason not to feel completely at ease in darkness with a priest.”
Critics of Earth Hour have called it “feel-good” and “tokenistic.” “Clearly dupes of Big Oil,” said Ms Hodgson, “in raging denial. They might as well be strangling those baby seals with their own hands. Cute baby seals! I bet they didn’t join our Facebook group either.”
Polar bears, people whose houses had been destroyed by extreme weather and Pacific islanders whose ancestral homes had been flooded out of existence were incredibly grateful for Earth Hour and its show of all-important awareness and solidarity. “’Cos any actually structurally useful changes to profligate Western lifestyles are clearly well out of the fucking question.”
TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — Take That star Mark Owen last night sensationally confessed to having been caught by The Sun shagging his dick off and getting stupendously pissed in the process.
The “squeaky clean” multi-millionaire singer opened his heart to his tabloid blackmailers in a bid to wipe the slate clean and start afresh with Gary Barlow. He broke the news of his cheating to Barlow, surrogate mother of the band.
“I am deeply disappointed,” said Barlow. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s that Williams cunt.”
The singer blamed enormous sums of money and huge fame for the opportunity to shag most things in a skirt with a pulse, leading millions of the chart-topping band’s adoring fans, who are now generally of legal age, to conclude that a bit of Take That cock is actually an achievable possibility.
“I have been an idiot, a dickhead,” said Owen, “to let a tabloid catch me at it. On the other hand, advertising my openness to several bits on the side will be good future marketing for when I’m in the mood for a handy bit of disposable totty. Also, I can afford much higher quality alcohol than almost everyone,” he said, raising a glass of shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck champagne. “Drink?”
Owen and wife Emma married in a Scottish castle last October, watched by smiling bandmates Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and Jason Orange, Robbie Williams having been left gaffer-taped naked to a lamp post with his cock painted red on the buck’s night.
PAY GRADE, Jobsworth, Monday (NTN) — A Lloyd’s pharmacist has complained of being expected to fill prescriptions brought in by paying customers, as actually working at work is against her spiritual beliefs.
The pharmacist, Brenda Busybody, 53 (IQ), of East Cheam, is a Bri-Tish, a group who believe that members should show up at places of employment and look fantastically busy while achieving nothing whatsoever and, if possible, driving the business backwards. Many achieve quite senior ranks in industry, particularly finance.
“This woman came in actually expecting me to fill her script. Well! What does she take me for? I’m not there to wait on people hand and foot, you know. It’s an insult to our fair and equal society. I talked to my boss and she was thrown out of the chemist and we called the police, saying she was a kiddy-fiddler. Well, she probably was. People who expect you to work might as well be.”
The case follows on the heels of an earlier ruling concerning a registrar who was grievously discriminated against by a local authority expecting her to do the fucking job taxpayer’s money was being given her for, and another in which an executive successfully pleaded that expecting competence violated his human rights.
“Making people work when it’s clearly against everything they hold dear is an affront to the human spirit,” said Mrs Busybody, “and their rights as a Briton. Next they’ll be shipping in them Polish asylum seekers, who’ll take all our jobs and then do them. I heard they ate a swan once! At a fair price for the day’s effort in doing so!”
In other news, Gordon Brown announced today that the recession would last a good few years yet, for some reason.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, My Trousers, Tuesday (Vatican Rag) — Bishop Dennis Brennan has asked that the €10.5 million bill for clerical child sex abuse cases in the Ferns diocese be paid by those responsible: “Those damned sexy children.”
The doctrine of original sin notes that Adam was handed the apple by an altar boy, requiring the sin to be expiated by direct application of “the body of Christ, or representative on Earth thereof.” The impossibility of resisting the tender loins of a choirboy is well known to theologians, as detailed in the Papal encyclical Caritas in Sodomitica concerning the knowing and malicious efforts of sultry underage boy-Jezebels deliberately targeting the sanctity of the priestly vow of celibacy.
Bishop Brennan noted, however, that he knew of no such cases happening in his diocese, “and also I wasn’t there when they happened, and you can’t prove I was.”
Ferns Diocese has around 100,000 Catholics and 80 parishes. “Those unable to make a cash donation will of course be able to contribute in kind,” said Bishop Brennan somewhat breathlessly and flushing slightly.
The Appeal Appeal was launched last night on RTÉ, with a gala telethon featuring international guests the Cappella Giulia of St. Peter’s Basilica, led by Angelo Balducci, and the Regensburg Boys’ Choir, led by the Pope’s brother.
The Roman Catholic Church is the world’s largest and longest-running organised paedophile ring.
WREATH NETWORK, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (MSBBC) — BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons has said “public concern” over 6 Music and the Asian Network may give the Trust a golden opportunity to throw director general Mark Thompson under a bus.
Plans to close the stations, available via download, DAB Radio, tooth fillings, necromancy and the rantings of schizophrenic tramps on street corners, have outraged millions of Britons (reported by Sky News as 80,000), approximately five times as many as have mastered the technical wizardry and sequence of Masonic handshakes necessary to actually listen to 6 Music.
The music industry has also spoken out, though 6 Music staff thanked Lily Allen for her comments in support and asked her to please stop trying to be “helpful.”
The proposals will go through a public consultation before the Trust tells Thompson he is a drooling incompetent and that the Tories won’t like a crawler either. “Like Murdoch will actually give the twat the Sky job he’s after,” said Sir Michael. “Christ, why didn’t we keep Dyke. At least he didn’t actually try to actively sabotage the place.”
Mr Thompson is expected to meet with union leaders later, who say 600 people could lose their jobs. There is concern that Marc Riley could start making records again.
GUTEN TAG, Wii Geht’s, Monday (NTN) — Sony has proudly announced a Playstation 3™ Holiday™, where all users are advised to go outside and play in the sunshine. “Have some fun! Talk to a human! Party like it’s December 31st, 1999! Amazing 3D rendering!”
The company had long battled in public perception with Microsoft’s Xbox 360 and its enthusiastic customer base, many of whom were onto their second or third 360. “Their turnover has been incredible. Doing at least as well is a matter of honour.”
Sony has also given the PlayStation Network a well-deserved break, its fifteen subscribers being encouraged to partake of the joys of meditation and deep contemplation of the nature of reality and solitude. “Cancelling your Trophy Data teaches that all is maya, or illusion. Through reliving the 2000s on your PlayStation again, you have been given a fresh chance to attempt to transcend this immaterial plane and reach … Nerdvana.”
The Full-Motion Vacation™ has been extended to developer debug console machines. “There’s enough games. Really, how many games do you need.”
Sony have not announced an end date for the “much-needed” break, but hope people will enjoy it. “Read a book! Watch TV! Count on your fingers! To 8,001,050! Or whatever it is you people do! … How about a nice game of chess?”