MENEZES, Stockwell, Wednesday (NNN) — Luckless cipher Sir Paul Stephenson has been named as Commissioner of London’s Metropolitan Police.

Sir Paul, 55, who was deputy to previous chief Sir Ian Blair, said he was “enormously proud” and was looking forward to bringing “a complete change, only somehow more of exactly the same.”

Leading a staff of more than 50,000 and overseeing a £3.5bn budget, he will be expected to continue the fight against terrorism, young people wherever they may be and falling house prices. He said his priorities would include cutting crime, catching criminals and “all that police-y stuff. The job of the Met is to deal with crime and make the streets of London safer. And state the bleeding obvious in press conferences.”

Sir Paul’s first priorities include the Olympics, the arrests of MPs, youth knife murders, organised crime, child protection, the recession and anything at all that doesn’t bring to mind electricians being shot through the head in tube trains by armed police. He will be meeting with the National Black Police Association to offer them an entirely new series of platitudes and empty gestures.

T’MILL, Westminster, Friday (NNN) — David Cameron has announced a shadow cabinet reshuffle to enhance the Tories’ working class credibility.

“Everything old is old again,” said Mr Cameron. William Hague has been reinstalled as the reserve Dave, Ken Clarke has been brought back to be snide at Gordon Brown and John Major will reprise his role as the nerdy little goit who got his head flushed every lunchtime. George Osborne has been sent off for de-elocution lessons. “’Appen,” said Mr Osborne.

“Labour’s a bunch of middle-class wankers tryin’ to administer everyone,” said David ‘Nosher’ Davis. “The Tories respect the povs’ intelligence and intrinsic street-smarts, and know how to go up to them and say, ‘yo, blud, I’m an avaricious self-centred materialist like you, bro’.’ Some of our best Tory leaders ’ave come from the estates. Er, don’t tell Dave I said that, okay.”

Eric Pickles, the cartoonish fat working-class businessman parachuted in as Party chair, concurred. “It’s necessary to turning the misdirected energy of the youth to good account. We need a real commitment to tackling the causes of crime, and to teach young people how to commit only decent businessman-like corner-cutting of greater plausible deniability.”

“I’d like to state my firm support for this initiative,” said London mayor Boris Johnson. “What ho, gosh darn those wack Nu-Labour sucka MCs, chaps. My Brompton weighs a ton.”

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BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Westminster, Tuesday (NNN) — Tens of people have gathered in the British capital to see Gordon Hussein Brown (name changed last week by deed poll) sworn at in as Britain’s second president.

Crowds inexplicably failed to pack into the Parliamentary gallery from dawn in a cold and wintry London to witness the opening of Parliament. The President arrived in his official Robin Reliant to deliver his inaugural address, a twenty-minute speech focusing on the theme of everything having gone to shit and Mr Brown being the one to get us out of it, having gotten us into it.

Unprecedented security is in place, with two or three security personnel, all called Reg, on stand-by in Westminster. Security officials said they were monitoring a “potential threat” of “uncertain credibility” on inauguration day.

Across the UK, there is a sense of history being made. Gloomy Monday; house prices dropping; terrible weather; a new Doctor Who; Celebrity Big Brother; the X Factor Christmas number one. Anticipation has been building across the country ahead of the ceremony.

But Mr Brown faces serious challenges. The UK is gripped by uncertainty as it faces its worst crisis in decades. And as well as Peter Mandelson being back, the economy’s in the toilet and everyone’s broke.

But hope rises still. In a gesture of good cheer, the Chancellor has announced the introduction to the market of special duty-free Labour Party fundraising refreshments of rebranded White Lightning and Tennants Super.

George W. Bush has also been in touch with Number 10, letting them know he’s currently free to join Mr Brown’s Government of All the Talents. Lord Mandelson said he would definitely process Mr Bush’s application within the next several years.

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