THE LITTLE MPs’ ROOM, Palace of Westminster, hour thirteen and counting (NNN) — The Government has swallowed a bitter new weight loss pill in attempts to stop the release of details of MPs’ expense reports.

The drug, FOIlistat, will produce a massive outflow in the event of an MP even thinking about expense padding, revealing full details of tapeworms and other parasites, a telltale Brown stain and a pungent stench. Any fat in the expense report will be passed through the National Audit Office undigested, leading to the customary flatulence and informational incontinence.

Shadow Commons leader Alan Duncan suggested caution. “We don’t just want, by making our expenses available, to allow ourselves to be subject to open season of malicious and vexatious attacks, such as people actually reading them and commenting on them publicly. With friends like this, who needs enemas?” He then issued a truly resounding wet fart and quickly shuffled off sideways.

Much like the drug, the prospect of releasing their expenses has made MPs shit themselves copiously. “Not only will the direct Pavlovian approach work,” said Owen Blacker of mySociety, “it’ll keep us in Channel 5 comedy for decades.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!