All posts by David Gerard

Politics, United States

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac taken over by Federal government

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HORSETRADER’S, Beltway, Sunday (NNN) — The small-goverment Republican Presidential administration, whose fundamental economic belief is to allow the free market to reach solutions without official interference, has nationalized the giant Fannie Mae (FNM.PK) and Freddie Mac (FRE.PK) mortgage associations, placing them under the control of the Federal Housing Finance Agency.

Foreclosed mortgagees for McCain“This is absolutely within our ideology,” said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. “We have a lot of money in those markets ourselves, you know.

“We owe it all to the bedrock of our economy: the ordinary hard-working taxpayer. You resisted the siren call of credit cards, lived within your means to save for a rainy day, never took out an interest-only mortgage, credit score to make Jesus cry. Without taking every penny you saved over the $100,000 guarantee, we’d never have made it. And the best bit is, we know you’ll still vote Republican! God bless you all!”

The hideously biased liberal mainstream media has continued to help, running a steady stream of pro-spending, pro-creditor news stories supporting a prop under house price speculation.

President Bush has recruited his brother Neil as a consultant, after Neil’s expert involvement in the savings and loan collapses of the late 1980s. “I can’t believe he got clean away with that one.”

Mr Bush stressed his commitment to his core constituency. “The bankers and Wall Street traders. Just because you showed ridiculous incompetence in lending doesn’t mean that you, and the hideously exposed like me, don’t deserve a second chance. God bless America! And its hard-working backbone! And there’s still their pensions for next time!”

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Entertainment, United States

Metallica “welcome” new album leak

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ROCK’N’ROLL HOLE OF FAME, Cut-Out Bins Worldwide, Thursday (N! News) — Lars Ulrich, drummer of Metallica, said they “welcome” the leak of their new album, Death, Stench Of, in MP3 form.

Metallica promo photo“It’s the way business is done these days,” Mr Ulrich said. “And there’s the novelty of anyone wanting to listen to a new Metallica album.”

The album was leaked after the band’s manager bought a copy at a French record store he had sent an early shipment to and then illicitly put online. Downloads are already in three figures.

The band will play two intimate budget-priced shows in London and Berlin to launch Death, Stench Of, including the opening show on September 12 at the new 17,000-capacity O2 World arena in Berlin — just outside in the car park, under the far lights. There will be a hat out for any offerings, tomatoes being welcome if not too rotten.

The single “Cyanide” has been offered to band members wishing to take themselves out of their misery.

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Europe, Science

Dr Evil threatens world with Large Hadron Collider

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LAIR OF EVIL, Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, Friday (NNGadget) — Dr Evil’s plans to destroy the earth have come ever-closer, with the construction of a Large Hadron Collider in a secret location in Switzerland.

Large Hadron Goatse“Unless the governments of the world give me one hundred beelion dollars, I shall pull the switch that shall send the world to relativistic doomsday! As well as greatly advancing physics and our understanding of the secrets of the universe.”

Dr Evil’s Large Hadron Collider threatens such fates as the destruction of the Universe through a recreated Big Bang, strangelets converting all normal matter, wormholes in space and time or the possible creation of the World Wide Web.

The citizenry of the world have risen in protest, with lawyers, psychologists and other persons highly versed in particle physics attempting to stop the device through the courts. This is attributed to the accidental creation of a strange moron particle, which spreads through the world turning everyone it encounters into more strange morons.

In a capstone of evil, the Large Hadron Collider will run Windows Vista. “See if it doesn’t! Muwaaahahahaha! I’m sorry, that was gratuitous. It runs Google Chrome, of course.”

United Kingdom

Angry passengers set train alight, improving service

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STRATFORD INTERSTELLAR, Olympic Wasteland, Friday (NNN) — Angry commuters on the Central Line, fed up with morning rush hour delays, have set a train on fire and pelted it with rocks.

Train wreck at StratfordThe service proceeded to arrive fifteen minutes earlier than planned.

The government has blamed the incident on leftist activists, after Mayor of London Boris Johnson raised the most popular fares 11% despite somehow claiming an average increase of 6%.

Mayor-In-Exile Ken Livingstone rallied his remaining followers by short-wave radio from his Venezuelan mountain cave this evening. “Boris has made a complete hash of it as usual. But I shall return. This is my promise: I will never give you up. I will never let you down. I will never run around or desert you.”

Johnson said the incident had caused £4m in damage, and saved £8m in compensation that would otherwise have been paid to season ticket holders for late running. “We’re thinking of timetabling them every weekday,” he said.

Politics, Science, United States

Arctic ice melting heralds vast opportunities

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NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NNN) — The Arctic Ocean is now largely clear of ice, heralding vast new business opportunities, President Sarah Palin announced today.

Arctic tourismThe famed North-West Passage is now permanently navigable, with huge shipping volumes between Arctic nations. “We’re considering just building a highway straight across,” said Mrs Palin, “though those long desert drives can be dangerous to health without air conditioning.”

Tourists have been flocking to Alaska and northern Canada to get away from the boiling oceans and sulphurous atmosphere around Hawaii. The Nunavut Tourist Bureau has shipped 60,000 swimming polar bear shirts this month alone. “It’s also clear,” said Palin, “that the bears have no business claiming to be endangered when there’s so many jobs in tourism for them.”

Oil drilling in Alaska will also be much easier, and will of course further the conditions leading to this Arctic economic boom. “No it won’t,” said Palin. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ll say one thing for them evilutionist climate change conspirators,” giggled Palin, “their hard work to take away the ice and make it look like they were right has done wonders for us good and decent folk.”

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Entertainment, Technology, United States

Microsoft desperately slashes Xbox 360 price

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STENCH OF DEATH, Redmond, Wednesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has discounted the entry-level Doesn’t-Do-Much Xbox 360 to $200 from Friday, $50 cheaper than the Nintendo Wii. (This will translate to a £250 price point in the UK.)

XBox 360 DOA Logo“We are thrilled to be the first next-generation console on the market with a big ‘Microsoft’ logo on it to reach $199, a price that invites everyone to enjoy Xbox 360,” said Aaron Greenberg, marketing marketer for Xbox. He says this will cause a “smash and grab” mentality amongst consumers. “And not ‘grab and smash’ as they throw it out the window when it gets a red ring of death again.”

The models that actually play anything worth playing will, of course, stay at $300 and $400. “But history shows that more than 75 percent of all console sales happen after the price falls below the $200 mark. Which would be the PS2, PSP and DS … uh, forget I said that.”

Greenberg assures consumers that the new cheap Xbox 360s will not be refurbished red ring of death casualties. “Not all of them. Honest. However, twenty Xbox lifts every morning will be much better exercise than Wii Fit.”

Microsoft Japan is already actually paying people to take the machines, with little success. “We hope more people will be able to enjoy Xbox 360,” said marketing marketer Takashi Sensui, “and we can stop enjoying quite so many of them. We also have this fine pile of HD-DVD drives … Wait! Come back!”

Greenberg further assured consumers that “the Xbox 360 will kick the PS3’s ass every way from Friday, you wait and see.” Nintendo were unable to comment in time for this story as they were still too busy trying to make Wiis fast enough to keep them in the shops.

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Politics, United States

McCain: Leave Palin alone

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CONSERVAPEDIALITY, Minnesota, Thursday (NNN) — John McCain has angrily condemned the media for questioning the way his running mate Sarah Palin’s candidacy was vetted.

Wax Britney Palin“LEAVE SARAH ALONE!” Mr McCain cried, his eyeliner smearing. “How goshdarn dare anyone out there make fun of Sarah after all she has been through!”

McCain pooh-poohed suggestions that the last-minute choice of a creationist Pentecostal abstinence-touting book-banning Alaskan separatist gun nut with crossed eyes eerily reminiscent of Dan Quayle’s and the conversational powers of George Bush was in any way hasty or pursued with less than the utmost of diligence.

“All you people care about is readers and making money off of her. SHE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Sarah is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about her. LEAVE HER ALONE! You are lucky she even performed for you BASTARDS! LEAVE SARAH ALONE! Please! LEAVE HER ALONE!”

Mrs Palin giggled and smiled for the cameras, before bagging three of the more obnoxiously liberal journalists with her handy Hello Kitty AR-15.

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Technology, United States

Everyone except Microsoft grits teeth, welcomes Google Chrome web browser

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, Lolcat, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Google has released its own Web browser, Chrome. “We absolutely promise that we only want to completely screw over Microsoft with this, and certainly not Mozilla Firefox,” said Google’s Sundar Pichai. “That we put a pile of our sponsored Mozilla developers on the project is completely irrelevant. We’re not evil, remember.”

GScream“We are so, so happy with Google Chrome,” mumbled Mozilla CEO John Lilly through gritted teeth. “That most of our income is from Google has no bearing on me making this statement.”

Microsoft was unfazed. “Browsers don’t need to be integrated with online apps,” said marketing developer Ian Moulster. “Certainly not like the operating system … I’ll just get back to you.”

Google’s new browser will give you their web and email services, photo processing, mapping, office applications that will run in said browser and will make you a cup of tea. This is all paid for by personally-directed text ads in your tea leaves, based on analysing a DNA sample taken when you sip the tea and sending your genetic code back to Google for future targeting.

Pichai stressed that Google would maintain complete confidentiality within the marketing department of whatever the browser accessed concerning your confidential business data, bank account details, medical information and personal preferences in pornography. “We’re Google. We know where you live. In a completely not evil way. Sponsored link: Get Chrome Browsers on google.com. Or we’ll make you use Windows Live.”

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Russia, Science

Heroic Putin saves workers from tiger

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PUTIN’S TROUSERS, Manly Heaven, Sunday (RT) — Vladimir Putin has taken a brief pause in lambasting the effete Westerners to save a Russian television crew from a Siberian tiger while visiting the Ussuri reserve in Siberia.

Putin fishingAs Mr Putin was arriving to see a trapped Amur tiger, it escaped and ran towards the camera crew. Putin is said to have quickly grabbed the 200kg beast, raised it above his head, body-slammed it to the ground, called its mother a Georgian, buggered it senseless and finally tranquilised it with three blows about the head from his engorged manhood.

The former KGB spy had several takes filmed of him striding through the taiga in camouflage trousers, desert boots and no shirt before he grappled with the tiger, that part unfortunately not being recorded. He helped measure the Amur tiger’s incisors with his massive penis (also not filmed) before placing a satellite transmitter around the neck of the beast, firmly gluing it on with his own testosterone.

“Vladimir Putin not only managed to see the giant predator up close but saved our crew,” gushed a presenter at the start of the main evening news. “The Leader stopped off only to fertilise my receptive womanhood with his pounding manliness. I am deeply honoured to further his superior Russian genes.”

Putin thanked Western researchers for also attempting to help save the Amur tigers. “But come to me and I’ll show you how to do it right. EU girly men.”

Entertainment, Technology, United States

Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie in production

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TEH INTARWEB, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Aaron Sorkin, creator of The West Wing, has been contracted to write an awful, awful movie about Facebook.

Facebook Arnie“I can write funny and poignant television dramas and I can work a toaster,” said Sorkin. “So I thought, ‘how hard can this Internet thing be?'”

Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie will tell the story of how Mark Zuckerberg invented binary digits as a toddler and the web browser in his Harvard dorm in 2004, and how every single person in the world joined up by 2007 to play Scrabulous Wordscraper. The planned sequel, to be filmed simultaneously, tells how Facebook solves conflict in the Middle East, cures breast cancer and, in Soviet Russia, pokes you.

Stars tipped for the film include Ben Stein as the history teacher with a heart of gold, Will Ferrell as the porn star with a heart of gold, Lindsay Lohan as the Myspace convert with a heart of gold, Keanu Reeves as the Wikipedia administrator with a heart of gold, Jessica Simpson as the idiot from high school who still sends you vampire invitations every week with a heart of gold and Adam Sandler as the Presidential nominee with a heart of gold. Uwe Boll will direct as the director with an ear of tin.

Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie will be released direct to YouTube in late 2009 and no longer be available shortly after.

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