Category Archives: United States

Africa, Politics, United Kingdom, United States

Lockerbie bomber freed for reasons other than business dealings

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THE BLACK HOLE OF LOCKERBIE, The Great Game, Saturday (NNN) — FBI Director Robert Mueller harshly criticized the release of Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi, convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, as “a mockery of the rule of law” and “detrimental to the cause of justice engineering.”

Never fear, Mandy is hereAl Megrahi had been serving a life sentence for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. After many years of appeals over blatantly tampered evidence, in which the British government tried to keep relevant documents secret from the defendant and his lawyers on national security grounds until the judge threatened to throw the conviction out, Al Megrahi was finally released due to terminal prostate cancer and having three months to live.

Al Megrahi was told he could either go home to Libya or stay and die clearing his name. The government declined an option to free al Megrahi and allow him to live in Scotland after senior police officers cited the severe security implications of him opening his mouth where people might listen.

“Obviously, the sight of a mass murderer getting a hero’s welcome in Tripoli is deeply upsetting, deeply distressing,” David Miliband told BBC radio Friday morning. “Since of course he did it, as shown by none of his appeals getting through.”

The Libyan government had accepted that paying $2.7 billion and taking the rap for the bombing was a business requirement of selling oil to the West. But Thursday, after al Megrahi’s return, the Libyan official news agency JANA issued a statement from the government saying that al Megrahi had been “a political hostage,” showing that Gadaffi was obviously a terrorist nutter and a bad loser to boot.

Peter Mandelson pooh-poohed the notion that the release was in any way to sweeten upcoming oil deals. “The idea that the British government and the Libyans would sit down and somehow barter about the freedom of this Libyan prisoner to form some sort of business deal … it’s not only wrong, it’s completely implausible. Furthermore, any such deals in the very near future will be merest coincidence.”

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Education, Technology, United States

Wikipedia reaches 3 million articles, stalls and dies

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WIKIALITY, The Tenderloin, Saturday (NNN) — The online encyclopedia, knowledge base, social networking site, essay repository, blog, search engine, news aggregator, dessert wax and floor topping Wikipedia has reached its three millionth article and ceased all editing.

Bouncy Wikipedia logoPalo Alto Research Center reported that only 1% of edits by random users were kept. “They were all unspeakable shit,” said burnt-out administrator WikiFiddler451. “All of them. No, I’m not exaggerating. Go to Special:Newpages and read a day’s entries some time. You’ll start by deleting the whole database, before you get onto plotting the doom of humanity. Christ, why go on?”

Recent media coverage has highlighted the “inclusionist/deletionist” wars of 2005, including enquiries from Endemol looking for a “passionate deletionist” to join Big Brother 11, “preferably one with big tits.” It is thought that Wikipedia could have had ten million articles by now had they not viciously abused their editorial powers by deleting your valuable contributions about you, your teacher at school, your garage band or your dog or the many cameraphone pictures you uploaded of your penis.

“Everything’s already been written,” said WikiFiddler451, burning the last of his Star Wars figurines before leaving for his rehabilitation course in social interaction skills and basics of hygiene. “Do you have any idea how big THREE MILLION articles is? A BILLION GODDAMN WORDS! Are you going to read more than a droplet of that in your life? No you aren’t. You’re following your goddamn Twitter.

“But hey, only two million articles are The Simpsons in popular culture or Doctor Who in popular culture. No-one actually reads this stuff, they just write it. We have LiveJournal for stuff people write that no-one wants to read. ‘Oh, I wandered lonely as a cheeseburger/ My passionate angst filling my Coke with darkness.’ Or Knol. KNOL! I’ll just Bing that one.”

Shell-shocked veterans of Wikipedia are at a loss now that it’s all over — wandering the alleyways of the Internet, mumbling to themselves about “ANI” and “we had to delete the village in order to save it,” threatening the policemen moving them on with “arbitration” and bursting into tears when the policeman answers “citation needed.” Mere children, sent into the culture wars to save knowledge from horrors they barely understood, and coming home as crippled wrecks. No victory parades for these brave men and women. There is only so much Citizendium, Uncyclopedia and 4chan can do for these child heroes. With your help, we can build Potemkin wikis for these honorable veterans, where they can safely ban and unban, revert and edit-war, and correct the naming of Danzig Gdansk Danzig Gdansk without the possibility of damage to actual human readers. Please donate so that they may never bug you again.

Technology, United Kingdom, United States

Shock as Twitter not entirely “pointless babble”

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WEB 1.99 RC 1, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Only 98% of Twitter updates are “pointless babble,” says a new report that studied 2,000 tweets over a period of two weeks.

Twitter ShitterThe top category was “pointless babble” tweets, with nearly 98% of tweets being inanity no sane person could want to read, retweets of inanity, links to inanity, retweets of links to inanity and retweets of retweets of links to links to the reretweet itself. And camera phone pictures of bowel movements on Twitpic.

Almost 2% was Stephen Fry, Neil Gaiman or retweets thereof. Most of the rest was Warren Ellis posting scatological abuse of his fans.

Botnet command messages were becoming more popular, many disguised as combinations of the syllables “lol” “wtf” “d00d” “RT” and “#fb” or scatological abuse of Warren Ellis’s fans.

Twitter’s demographics as of June 2009 were 55% female, 43% ages 18 to 34, 78% white, and 99.5% of such short attention spans that Facebook might as well be War and Peace. Botnet readership was considered likely to rise as soon nothing with organic intelligence would be able to cope.

Twitter recently redesigned its homepage, changing the tag “What are you doing now?” to “Post tomorrow’s CNN headlines, particularly about #goatse.”

Entertainment, United States

Disney to film Diary of Anne Frank

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BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet.

Disney’s Diary of Anne Frank in 3D!Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family from the Nazis in the an attic in Amsterdam. “Love the story, love the themes, love everything about it, baybee, I spent a year getting the rights!” he said. “Don’t wanna change a thing! I’ve got my own original take on the material, of course. I’m going to re-frame the story as a young girl’s rite of passage. You know, from living to dead. Though the ‘dead’ bit is up in the air at this stage.”

Disney execs have granted Mamet complete artistic freedom, with only passing executive suggestions of Jean-Claude Van Damme as the SS officer who steals Frank’s heart and the voice of Jerry Seinfeld as her mouse companion, animated by the Pixar division. An additional scene includes Frank leaping a CGI shark.

“It’s gonna be the greatest thing seen on the Hollywood screen,” said Mamet. “I promise you’ll see every penny of the FX spend right there in fronna ya. When Dr Manhattan destroys Berlin … no, I don’t wanna give anything away on the record. Your people can do lunch with my people and we can discuss it then. Sequel’s already greenlighted! Love ya, baybee!”

Health, United States

Obama fights back on health care plan

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RATCHED, Massachusetts, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama has asked Americans not to believe “rumors” that his health reform initiatives will lead to a government-run health care system, push Medicare recipients to die rather than run up their bill or lead to widespread euthanasia of the Republican “base.”

Trust Dr Obama with the knife“Let me start by dispelling the outlandish rumors that reform will promote euthanasia, or cut Medicaid, or bring about a government takeover,” said Mr Obama. “That’s simply not true. Furthermore, our proposed tests would still rule Sarah Palin as being human and actually alive, despite the evidence from the brain machines.”

Sarah Palin has spoken in horror of the centralised “death boards” she says Obama wishes to introduce, instead of the ones that individual hospitals run now to send people home to die when their money runs out. “Scientists like Stephen Hawking would have been killed off by the National Health Service,” she said, “if they’d grown up in Eng-er-land!”

Peter Ferrara from Fox News refused to buy Mr Obama’s claims. “The Obama health plan is based on evidence — but evidence leads to science, and science leads to Darwinian evolution being applied to you and yours! He’ll raise health costs, make freedom of choice illegal, ration health care and build a machine feeding illegal aliens in luxury on the corpses of aborted Republican babies, sacrificed in a gay Muslim Kenyan ceremony. You can buy my book on it at heartland.org for just $19.99. Call now! Operators standing by!”

United States

Gym gunman obviously another killer goth

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BRIDGEVILLE, Pittsburgh, Tuesday (NNN) — In another example of appalling devil-worshipping Satanist carnage, a goth has shot up a gymnasium in Pittsburgh, killing three women and then himself.

George Sodini, Goth Killer“It’s obvious he was a goth,” said Police Commissioner Donut, “from his … ah … white … moustache. And he was wearing a blue check shirt. And he had a ‘blog.’ That proves it.”

Republican strategist Mike Murphy was quick to comment, noting the incident proved once again “we need ‘goth control,’ not ‘gun control!'” Charlton Heston rose from his grave to announce a series of NRA talks to be held at the gym next week.

Several jocks from your school have been seen chasing anyone wearing black or knowing how to work a computer shouting about how “yo’ shot our sweet Jesus!”

When asked for comment, Marilyn Manson was quoted as telling our reporter to “fuck off.”

Technology, United States

Twitter crashes for ninety minutes, nerds traumatised

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WEB 1.99 BETA, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Twitter.com crashed on Thursday at about 3pm BST due to a “denial of twat” attack from thousands of virus-infected Windows PCs under the control of terrorist masterminds. It came up again at around 4:30pm, before promptly crashing again under the weight of users all trying to tweet about the twauma at once.

Osama bin MobyStephen Fry has been hospitalised and is queueing messages from his PatientLine text terminal in readiness for the site returning. “Twatter ++ungood sweeties zomg I do believe I’m feeling a little faint.”

The source of the attack was originally hypothesised to be either the Russian Mafia, the Iranian security forces, the Chinese government or Alan Davies. Credit was eventually taken by the Confederation of British Industry, who also took down social not-working site Facebook, hoping for people to, you know, do some work at work.

News agencies around the world condemned the attack, which hit at the root of their online news-gathering processes and left them having to resort to following the Wikipedia “Recent Changes” feed. “Apparently BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL [citation needed],” said the CNN front page headline. “Who knew?”

A new site, “Grunter,” has attempted to take up the slack. Users of “Grunter” are freed from the wordy excesses of Twitter’s 140-character limit and can post one of twelve pre-programmed onomatopoeic noises, such as “mmrph,” “huh,” “grah” or “tubgirl.”

Popular teenage angst poetry blogging and fan fiction site LiveJournal was affected by a similar attack at about the same time, but that attack was considered “just as well, really.”

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Politics, Religion, United States

Did Jesus reveal the name of the “antichrist”?

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Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily

GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you’ll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan’s bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That leader has come to be known as “the antichrist.”

Barack ChristNow, advanced analysis of Luke 10:18 — “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven” — shows that the Greek word for “lightning” is “astrape,” the Hebrew word for which is “Baraq;” and the Hebrew for “height,” as in “heaven,” is “Bamah.”

The financial bailout, started as a holy work by George W. Bush, demonstrates the Kenyan citizen Obama’s Satanic intentions in having the temerity to continue it, evangelising the worship of Mammon in the sinful financial alleys of New York.

Further research has shown that Obama’s health policies go directly against the word of Leviticus, in their subsidy for gay marriage, divorce, mixed fibers and shellfish. Leviticus chapter 1 also specifies how God likes His barbecue done in important detail.

Finally, the Wikipedia article on Obama has had vital information on the real circumstances of his birth removed repeatedly by the cabal of leftist Satan-worshipping administrators, despite the efforts of several users (User:JoeKovacs, User:KovacsJoe, User:JKovacs and User:JKWND in particular) to preserve it. The word “wiki” comes from the pagan word for “quick,” while “pedia” means “sex with children.”

Indeed, the Internet is the source of some of the most horrifyingly Satanic material in existence, proselytising the One-World government of the Antichrist forming around the Democrat Party. We must fight this every day, without fail. We must battle for the destruction of the world Net, daily … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

Entertainment, Politics, United States

“Birthers” probe Obama’s alleged robotic ancestry

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WITWICKY, Arctic Circle, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy continues over US President Barack Obama’s place of birth and Constitutional eligibility to be president, with even senior Republicans wondering if Obama is really an American citizen, or a Decepticon spy.

I, Robot“The birth certificate was falsely attested by Mr Obama’s mother and grandmother so that a custody battle would be heard in the US and not under the laws of Cybertron,” said Senator Optimus Prime (R-UT). “The plan was part of a conspiracy of communists, Muslims, Jews, Decepticons and French to take over the world with the coming of the Anti-Spark, who would magically transform into a 1961 Ford Fairlane convertible. With red and white pinstriping. Autobots will of course rejoin the Allspark in the Rapture, but the rest of you are fucked.”

When the Obama presidential campaign produced documentation, it claimed to be an extract of birth. However, it was not a full manufacturer’s certificate of live birth with original warranty certification and service log book. Experts who examined the image in high resolution accessed viral data that caused their brains to explode and their souls to return to the Allspark. This suggests to observers that Obama was really created in a lab on Cybertron and was later smuggled into Hawaii, before accidentally crashing into the World Trade Center in September 2001 during overly boisterous horseplay with another Decepticon.

Not all Republicans agree with the theory. “I myself was manufactured in the Panama Occupied Zone during the era of steam,” said Senator John McCain (RINO-AZ). “My boilerplates are certified 100% All-American. The Supreme Court has explicitly ruled that an American parent makes you ‘natural born’ wherever you were born. The President’s Irish heritage through Ann Dunham is no barrier to the presidency.”

Fox News presenters continue to trumpet the “birther” theory, for “the good of all Americans,” said pundit Michael Bay. “By doubling down on the most advanced and developed of patriotic theories, by driving the center of the Republican Party further down the path of righteousness, we are reshaping the party into a more radicalized community of that core of only the most dedicated Americans. All five to seven percent of them. Any suggestion this is all for Rupert Murdoch’s bottom line is scurrilous. So stay tuned to this channel! You never know what rabid lies you might hear anywhere else! We report, you decide! And now a message from our sponsors Blackout, Scorponok, Frenzy, Barricade, Starscream, Devastator and Bonecrusher.”

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Technology, United States

AT&T apologises for unblocking 4chan

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DOWN HERE AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING, Desu Desu Desu, Monday (NNGadget) — AT&T, the largest phone company in the US and a major Internet provider, has issued an apology for having to unblock 4chan after accidentally blocking it Sunday night.

You Are HereAT&T said that its customers were affected by a DoS (denial of stomach) attack appearing to come from the image-board site. 4chan users reacted in outrage, thinking the block was actually for network security reasons. “It’s a matter of pride. If we cannot make you hurl in 35 seconds we lose,” said one user, ‘Anonymous.’ “DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS,” he added when questioned further.

4chan is the World’s Most Work-Unsafe Website. The browser cache of 4chan regulars (a.k.a. “mudkipz”) is enough to send ten normal Internet users to Guantanamo Bay. If you look at 4chan from your work computer, your monitor explodes, smoke comes out of your PC and your Ethernet cable melts. Then Networks come over to your desk and beat the fucking crap out of you personally. Remember: your boss is still trying to work out how he can look at girlie pictures in Excel. Don’t disturb his business labors.

For a site reviled by all, 4chan appeared to have a remarkable number of readers, as AT&T discovered after the resignation of 95% of overnight customer service staff. “I can’t tell you how pleased I am to find out just how popular 4chan is with our customers,” said AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson at his last press conference before leaving to take up his new job swimming through cesspools to orally pleasure random hobos, which he said would make him feel “cleaner” than continuing to supply 4chan to people. “It’s high time we gave up on this ‘communication’ thing altogether and went back to grunting in caves. Bad idea. Awful idea.”

4chan users celebrated their “flawless victory” today with a Foul Frog/Socially Awkward Penguin posting marathon before eating another pizza, drinking another quart of Diet Coke, desultory masturbation and crying themselves to sleep from futility.