Category Archives: United States

McCain picks George Bush as running mate

CONSERVAPEDIALITY, Minnesota, Friday (NNN) — John McCain, 72, has announced his Vice-Presidential candidate: George W. Bush.

Sarah W. Bush“We think George represents … I’m sorry, it’s not George. It’s Sarah. And he’s black! I’m sorry, he’s female. Same thing.”

Bush, the governor of Alaska, is a former Miss Alaska, Vogue model and mayor of a suburb of Anchorage, and a firm believer in creationism, the global warming conspiracy, compulsory heterosexual marriage and the right to life only up to birth. “I firmly believe Sarah W. Bush is the most qualified person to be a heart attack away from the presidency,” said Mr McCain. “What is it exactly that the V.P. does all day?” giggled Sarah.

“It’s clear you should vote Republican, especially all you little ladies, because my vice-president shoots moose, rassles b’ars and has great legs and really cute tits. And doesn’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you … I’m sorry, he does plaster on the makeup like a trollop. Tits, though. All the evangelical Hilary fans should vote for tits. Black ones. I’m John McCain.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Zombie Steve Jobs has system upgrade

THE TECH GRAVEYARD, Cupertino, Thursday (NNGadget) — Steve Jobs, visionary leader of Apple Computer, has died — and come back, better and stronger.

Robosteve vs BillzillaThe news was carried in an obituary run by Bloomberg late last night, which was pulled when news of his resurrection came through.

“They don’t call it the Jesus Phone for nothing,” Jobs laughed with reporters, before eating their tasty, tasty brains.

Jobs’ new cyborg arsenal includes wifi, 3G, laser cannons, a flame thrower and a can opener, all running on Mac OS X Robosteve. Bundled applications include an enhanced hypnotic force field based on the one he uses at MacWorld keynotes. “I can’t wait to try it on Bill,” he said.

Disney, in which Jobs is the single largest shareholder, remained unaffected. “Steve’s just working with the way we do things here,” said the disembodied computer-hosted soul of Walt Disney, who was decanted to a computer in 1966 to avoid being declared legally dead, so that copyright in his works would never, ever run out.

Intel demonstrates wireless power for the home

INTEL CASTLE, Transylvania, Friday (NNGadget) — A future without batteries — no need to charge phones or MP3 players, or even electric cars. No lost phone chargers, no running out of power sockets. Intel chief technology officer Justin Rattner demonstrated a Wireless Energy Resonant Link as he spoke at the annual Intel developers forum in San Francisco yesterday.

FrankensteinRattner demonstrated this by causing his ears to light up at 60 watts of power a yard from a power transmitter operated by his assistant Igor. Only four journalists were incinerated when the power earthed through them from his fingertips.

Rattner reassured us that pumping kilowatts of power around the home through magnetic induction power is absolutely harmless. “The human body is not affected by magnetic fields,” he said as one journalist with a pacemaker collapsed and another with a knee replacement watched his leg catch fire. “There’s no danger whatsoever from it, any more than there is from mobile phones cooking your brain, microwave leakage blinding you, chemical waste unraveling all the DNA in your balls or statistical clusters of kids with cancer wherever high-tension power lines run overhead. Asbestos and thalidomide were horribly slandered in their day too.”

“Of course, Nikola Tesla did it first in 1899,” said enthusiast Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “I detailed this at length on Wikipedia, but they refused to believe the value of my revelations on this matter due to a conspiracy of Edison fans amongst the site administrators.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Why Obama has to get mad for us to win

PHONING IT IN, The Beach, mid-afternoon (NNN) — With the vice-presidential buzz and the Democratic convention just days away, what’s most important is what Barack Obama’s campaign does afterwards.

Quite simply, he needs to create a more compelling narrative on change and get angry about something. Our ratings depend on it. It’s August, dammit. How many stories about cute puppies can you run? Attack ads! Push polls! We need material!
Holy Obama

We need the argument that this is an election with two choices — not just one popular dynamic guy and one old past-it guy. That’s not a compelling media narrative!

Obama’s 2:1 advantage in the Electoral College is far too confusing for our viewers. We need to re-run polls until we get one with a 1% change, never mind the 3% error margin. It’s so close! Experts say it’s a wake-up call! Better keep your eyes glued to the screen! Oh my goodness!

If Obama can just pull ahead between now and November 4, he may become President Barack Obama … Or not! Who knows? You need to keep watching! Right here! Stay tuned!

Microsoft enlists Bob Hope for Vista ad campaign

MORDOR, Redmond, Thursday (NNGadget) — Microsoft (NASDAQ: MNPLY) has hired comedian Bob Hope to anchor a $300 million advertising campaign for its struggling Windows Vista franchise.
Zombie PC vs Mac

The software maker is desperate to counter popular Apple ads that personify PCs as un-“hep” and not “with it,” while portraying Apple’s Macintosh as the “happening scene.”

“We felt that resurrecting Bob from the dead and putting him in front of our campaign was just the way to upgrade Vista’s image,” said Kevin Johnson, the fourth executive to be in charge of the development of Vista, just before he quit this morning. “It was also cheaper and easier than actually fixing Vista.”

Braaainnns,” said Mr Hope.

Few businesses have upgraded to Vista from Windows XP, citing Vista’s cost, incompatibility with older software and hardware and intrusive security features. And twenty years’ pent-up hatred of Microsoft.

The campaign was created by Crispin Porter + Bogusky, whose entire workflow runs on Macs.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

McCain accused of plagiarising Wikipedia for Georgia speech

TEH INTARWEB, Lolcat, Sunday (NNN) — The originality of a John McCain speech about Georgia has been placed in further doubt after it was found to bear strong similarities to Wikipedia articles on the former Soviet republic.

McCain-tan, your helpful McCainPedia mascotCongressional Quarterly found that two passages from a speech on August 11th were almost identical to Wikipedia, while a third bore striking resemblances.

“Georgia was one of the first countries in the world to adopt Christianity as an official religion and BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOLOLOL,” said Mr McCain in his speech last week. “After a brief period of independence following the Russian revolution, the Red POOP Army forced Georgia to join the Soviet Union in 1922. CALL ME NOW 555-1212.

“And furthermore,” he added in a resonant, presidential tone, “this user has been blocked as a suspected sockpuppet.”

A Wikipedia administrator said that the speech likely failed to meet Wikipedia quality and notability guidelines, and had been nominated for possible deletion.

Internet memeticists find Bigfoot: “Ya rly”

ATLANTA, South Ossetia, Friday (NNN) — Intarweb 2.0 clickapreneurs Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer have found the corpse of Bigfoot, the famed Sasquatch of the Appalachian Caucasus.

They announced the find on blue-chip Internet news sites Fark, Something Awful and 4chan. “We are merely humble hikers who happened across incredible find! We braved circling of other Bigfeet as they saw body of their blood brother dragged away!”

Evidence presented at the press conference included a single detailed Polaroid photograph (“and you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find an actual working Polaroid camera and film instead of a cheap digicam,” said Dyer), consisting of red and brown blurs and only slight development-time scratching of the surface of the Polaroid. DNA evidence included an email from Engr. BANKOLE VASANI, assistant to the late JONES WHITTON DYER, who offered access to 25 thousand million DNA bases (kB 25,000,000.00) in exchange for a sample of Bigfoot DNA for assessment and free access to the lab accounts. They were also working on tracking down rumors of a tortilla with Bigfoot’s face on it.

Whitton and Dyer’s website, www.yarlybigfoothonest.com, details their amazing find, complete with T-shirts and caps, embedded YouTube videos, a LOLBIGFOOT generator and many “fabulously clickable” Google ads.

“I didn’t believe in Bigfoot at the time,” said Whitton, “but there’s something deeply convincing about a click-attracting business plan. It certainly overwhelmed my rational skepticism and authentic down-home hillbilly common sense.”

“Are there a lot of psychos in the Bigfoot community?” a reporter asked.

Yes, answered Whitton. “It seems like there are lot of people in the Bigfoot world who are a little delusional. Fortunately, we know all of you are smarter than that.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!