Category Archives: Religion

Shroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on

November 21, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday.

The shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so Christ is Real so Give the Catholic Church Your Bloody Money that the shroud is real, therefore Christ is real, therefore you should give the Catholic Church your bloody money.

“No mediaeval forger would have called him ‘Jesus the Nazarene,'” said Dr Frale. “They just wouldn’t. It’s much more plausible that the fabric magically carbon-dated itself 1300 years into the future, thus demonstrating the essential divinity of carbon-14. Getting my name in all the papers was, of course, the most unexpected and uninteresting of side-effects.”

Inexplicable phenomena have abounded since the Large Hadron Collider was switched back on — with people finding Gordon Brown to be prime minister despite no-one remembering voting for him, an Asian joining the British National Party (and having to shove dog droppings through his own letterbox) and Europe suddenly being a federal state with a president. The bird with a particularly well-aimed baguette was attributed to a rogue French military assault.

“Nothing can go wrong,” said CERN Director General Rolf Heuer, stretching his newly-elastic arm across the room to grab an unrelated conical flask to pipette coloured water into for the press photographers. “The collider cannot possibly cause a black hole to consume the earth, this assertion is just silly. The Pope’s head spontaneously exploding is pure coincidence. We assure the ladies, gentlemen, goosnarghs and quzklms of the press that they can continue to live in the manner humans have for fourteen trillion square years, guarding their precious clutches of eggs from marauding strangelets and malevolent intelligent equations, safe in the knowledge that life continues as it always has and, Gods one, two, seven and thirty-eight willing, always will. Probably.”

Religion, United Kingdom

Delusions of adequacy given same status as religion

November 7, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

DAWKINS, Barking, Wednesday (NNN) — An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his views after a judge ruled that his delusions of competence had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs under the 2003 Religion and Belief Regulations.

The unnamed executive is firmly convinced of his own superior workplace abilities and business and people management skills, despite the huge weight of evidence against such conclusions. His wife also testified as to his unsubstantiable belief in his superior musical taste and his faith-based dress sense. In a rare concession to reality, the man is under no illusion as to what little shits his children are.

Judge Michael Burton laid down a series of tests regarding such beliefs:

The belief must be genuinely held;
It must be a belief and not a mere opinion or view related to anything substantiable;
It must relate to a weighty and substantial aspect of human life, despite a total lack of evidence;
It must appear at least slightly coherent on the surface;
It must not be mere odious fuckwittery;
It must be obviously gibbering bullshit to anyone not already agreeing with it.

Humanism was given as an example meeting the criteria, while belief in a political party, except the Liberal Democrats or Ukip, were offered as ones that do not.

“It is clear,” he said in summing up, “that if firms started firing their executives for the mere fact of utter blithering incompetence, business as we know it could not go on. If such a criterion hit the banking sector, it could lead to a complete collapse of the financial system as we know it. Oh, wait.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson has said he will shortly be suing Professor David Nutt under these rules if the entire scientific population of Great Britain does not cease and desist immediately from oppressing him with mere facts.

Politics, Religion, United States

Did Jesus reveal the name of the “antichrist”?

August 4, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily

GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you’ll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan’s bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That leader has come to be known as “the antichrist.”

Now, advanced analysis of Luke 10:18 — “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven” — shows that the Greek word for “lightning” is “astrape,” the Hebrew word for which is “Baraq;” and the Hebrew for “height,” as in “heaven,” is “Bamah.”

The financial bailout, started as a holy work by George W. Bush, demonstrates the Kenyan citizen Obama’s Satanic intentions in having the temerity to continue it, evangelising the worship of Mammon in the sinful financial alleys of New York.

Further research has shown that Obama’s health policies go directly against the word of Leviticus, in their subsidy for gay marriage, divorce, mixed fibers and shellfish. Leviticus chapter 1 also specifies how God likes His barbecue done in important detail.

Finally, the Wikipedia article on Obama has had vital information on the real circumstances of his birth removed repeatedly by the cabal of leftist Satan-worshipping administrators, despite the efforts of several users (User:JoeKovacs, User:KovacsJoe, User:JKovacs and User:JKWND in particular) to preserve it. The word “wiki” comes from the pagan word for “quick,” while “pedia” means “sex with children.”

Indeed, the Internet is the source of some of the most horrifyingly Satanic material in existence, proselytising the One-World government of the Antichrist forming around the Democrat Party. We must fight this every day, without fail. We must battle for the destruction of the world Net, daily … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

Religion, Technology, United Kingdom

Police fend off massive summer solstice denial-of-service attack on Stonehenge

June 21, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

A344, Gateway To The West, Sunday (NNN) — Thirty-six thousand revellers, hippies, wiccans and general space cadets have gathered at Stonehenge for the summer solstice, throwing astronomical megalith calculations into chaos.

Wiltshire riot police, fresh from the hugely successful G20 operation, kept the fuzzy-brained masses at bay with horses, drug sniffer dogs, an unmanned flying drone and a battalion of level thirty-one family tradition Dawkinsian sceptics, admitting only essential maintenance druids into the fence around Stonehenge itself to handle the load on the ley lines powered by the henge.

“Whooo,” inhaled druid Leatherman Travaglia through his teeth, “yir big-end’s lost cosmic dimensionality and yir astral cabling cannae handle the power. ’S gonna cost ye. I’d try the homeopathic positronium, but the wee glass bottles cannae take it, Captain. Ye cannae change the laws of metaphysics!”

As the druids began their incantations, Wiccan priestesses drew their cowls tight against the damp morning air and half-naked dancers waved their hands in the air and went: “Woo, woo, woo.” “Lookit the fiminine energies on that one!” said Travaglia.

Restrictions were placed on the amount of alcohol revellers could bring in and police said they would not tolerate illegal drug taking or unlawful raves. However, it turned out the most apparently off-their-heads were just like that normally.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Religion, South America, United Kingdom

Y2012 problem: Mayan calendar runs out

June 7, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

FINDHORN, Astral Plane, Age of Aquarius (NNN) — The New Age spiritually aware around the world are running up against the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar. Mayan date 12.19.19.17.19 will occur on December 20, 2012, followed by the start of the fourteenth cycle, 13.0.0.0.0, on December 21st.

The event was first flagged by megalith scientist Terence McKenna. The end of the thirteenth cycle would break many megalith calculations — which conventionally use only the last four numbers to save on standing stones — with fears of spiritual collapse, disruption of ley lines, Ben Goldacre driving the chiropractors back into the sea and the return of the great god Quetzalcoatl and the consequent destruction of all life on earth.

Megalith programmers from 4000 years ago are being dredged up from peat bogs and pressed into service to get the henges updated to handle the turnover in the date. “It could be worse,” said one. “I could still be programming COBOL.”

Sceptics may choose the Winter Solstice on December 22nd (13.0.0.0.1) to attack, to take advantage of weakened qi. In case vital services are temporarily cut off, spiritually aware persons should stock up on crystals, copies of Sun Signs, a duly blessed tarot deck and other essentials. “They should get as well a suitable selection of blessed Hopi ear candles,” said Y2012 consultant Ravenwoo Granola, DD, 31°, Ph.D (Univ. P.T. Barnum Mail-Order), “unicorn posters, holistic medicines, Silver RavenWolf books, purple clothing, protective pentacles — earrings for the ladies, pendants for the gents — make sure the house is absolutely robust in feng shui, your energetic vibrations are aligned and your Eostre rituals are up to date and keep only homeopathic quantities of money around. I’ll be happy to take on the danger of handling the rest. Here’s a price list. Everyfink for the spiritual survivalist.”

Others dismiss the problem. Sandra Noble of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies considers the Y2012 problem “a complete fabrication and a chance for a lot of people to cash in.” However, Y2012 consultants deride “2012-deniers” for having their heads in the sand as to the vast and overwhelming spiritual importance to humanity of keeping their consultancies rolling.

Entertainment, Religion, United Kingdom

Church of Susan Boyle banned from Wikipedia

June 1, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

WIKIALITY, Clearwater, Saturday (NNN) — In an unprecedented move, top-ten social networking site Wikipedia has banned Susanboylists from editing the encyclopedia and claiming Susan Boyle had won Britain’s Got Talent instead of dance troupe Diversity.

At a hearing at Wikipedia’s Supreme Court on Saturday, hanging judges voted unanimously in favour of banning members of the Church from posting or editing any more material on the angel-voiced virgin songstress.

Several anti-Boylist editors were also blocked, including one who said “Simon Cowell is quite a nice fellow, actually, judging quite fairly and decently in the face of some terrible rubbish,” after Mr Cowell threatened to sue.

The court heard from a former member of Susan Boyle’s Office of Special Affairs, a department responsible for running phone banks to dial in votes for Miss Boyle. “The guys I worked with called every day all day. I worked with someone who used five separate phone banks, five separate anonymous identities to refute any statements made about Susan Boyle.”

The Church of Susan Boyle believes all your troubles are caused by the souls of dead space aliens, blown up in volcanoes seventy-five million years ago by Piers Morgan.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Europe, Politics, Religion, United Kingdom

Major Christian Party push for European Parliament

May 26, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

INTERNATIONAL FRONT, Little Britain, 4th June (NNN) — The forthcoming European Parliament elections have been shaken up by the push from the Christian Party, with their simple and direct platform: “Never mind who we are, what we plan or who our backers are — we’re not the BNP!”

British National Party supporters have been keen to post to newspaper comment sites at great length how there is no evidence whatsoever of BNP racism, despite the minor detail of a whites-only policy in the party constitution. There are widespread fears that, should the BNP gain a seat in the European Parliament, they may attempt to organise a drinking event in a brewery.

The Christian Party has been sufficiently well-funded to field candidates across the country and pay for tremendous quantities of advertising and billboards, tastefully decorated with swastikas to show how unlike the BNP they are.

Comparison of the Christian Party and BNP platforms reveals similar or identical policies concerning EU membership, British national interests, ecological concerns, women’s rights, gay rights and express support of Christianity.

“But we’re not the BNP! Look, we’ve got a black candidate! We use the word ‘Christian!’ Vote for us! We’re not neo-Nazis! Just nearly.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Health, Religion, United Kingdom

Hospital worker in crucifix row

May 25, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

GALILEE-ON-SEVERN, Gloucester, Friday (NNN) — A worker at Gloucester Royal Hospital risks losing her job over wearing a crucifix at work.

Phlebotomist Helen Slatter was told the cross “could harbour infection,” spread disease or even be used as a weapon. Ms Slatter said the crucifix, which is twelve feet high and weighs 150 pounds, was too large to leave in the locker room rather than carry over her shoulder.

“The issue is not one of religion,” said a Gloucestershire NHS Trust spokesdroid. “There have also been problems with the time Ms Slatter has spent curing large queues of lepers, which do not count toward Ministry of Health management targets. Furthermore, her habit of feeding the entire hospital from the fish sandwiches in her packed lunch has badly impacted hospital takings from concession operators.” The trust has also asked Ms Slatter to stop walking across the Severn to work.

“We are willing to work with Ms Slatter on these issues after some strong opinions on these matters were raised from very high up,” said the spokesdroid after being struck by lightning out of a clear blue sky. “Very high up.”

In February this year, nurse Caroline Petrie was disciplined for curing patients through prayer and making the doctors look silly. In 2006, British Airways employee Nadia Eweida openly wore a cross necklace at work at Heathrow and regularly levitated into the sky after each three days at work. In the same year, BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce came under fire from managers for showing sinners she had condemned to hellfire live on television while presenting the news.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Finance, Religion, United States

Banks fail Scientology “stress test”

May 9, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

REHABILITATION PROJECT FORCE, Hemet Gold Base, Friday (NNN) — Ten of America’s largest 19 banks have failed the stringent economic “stress tests” based on the teachings of Dianetics.

Senior investigators from the Office of the Treasury (“Big OTs”) found that, considered as thetans, the banks were too weighed down with engrams, from this and past lives, and the engrams of the many “sub-prime thetans” still attached to them.

The test involves financial executives holding the “cans” in a firm grip while answering questions such as:

2. When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?
8. Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?
23. Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do?
24. Is it normally hard for you to “own up and take the blame”?
30. Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?
59. Do you consider the modern prisons without bars system “doomed to failure”?
76. Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you?
124. Do you often make tactless blunders?
125. Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

“The economy’s been like a volcano that’s about to blow,” said US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “Our hope is that banks can get back to the business of banking, staying upstat and producing Valuable Final Product, to lift the cloud of uncertainty.”

Analysts broadly welcomed the results of the stress tests. “The IQ test seems to have been very accurate,” said Eric Kuby of North Star Investment Management. “The fears of entheta and the influence of suppressive persons have more or less disappeared.”

The current Federal Reserve system was set up in the 1950s as the result of a bet between Alan Greenspan and L. Ron Hubbard.

Europe, Religion, Technology

Vatican to build power plant running on guilt

April 20, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Rome, Monday (NNN) — The Vatican intends to build the biggest renewable energy plant in Europe, running solely on guilt.

“Now is the time to strike,” said Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, governor of Vatican City. “The financial crisis has unleashed huge and renewable sources of guilt, which in the long run will reap incomparable rewards for the Church.”

Italy has a binding target for renewable energy consumption of 17 percent. The Vatican will export energy to Italy, powered by raw guilt from the largely Catholic populace. “So far it’s proven indefinitely renewable.”

Pope Benedict XVI has been outspoken on environmental issues. “The destruction of the environment, its improper or selfish use and the violent hoarding of the Earth’s resources cause grievances, conflicts and wars, precisely because they are the consequences of an inhumane concept of development. You should FEEL BAD about that. And give us money.”

The plant will be topped up at night by Dante-esque treadmills walked by priests sent back for kiddy-fiddling. “We feel terrible, terrible,” said Fr O’Pederast. “I mean, we got caught.”

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder