Category Archives: Politics

Clinton: Internet freedom “vital” except for music downloaders

Remarks by US Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton on the occasion of the massive hacker attack on US companies by an unspecified national entity.

On Monday, a seven-year-old girl in Port-au-Prince was pulled from the rubble after they sent a text message calling for help. The spread of information networks is forming a new nervous system for our planet. And even in authoritarian countries, information networks are helping people discover new facts and making governments more accountable.

Amid this unprecedented surge in connectivity, we must also recognize that these technologies are not an unmitigated blessing. These tools are also being exploited to undermine human progress and political rights. Just as steel can be used to build hospitals or machine guns, or nuclear power can energize a city or destroy it, the same networks that help organize movements for freedom also enable al-Qaida to ruthlessly copy American songs and movies in “M-P-Three” format.

Freedom of expression is no longer defined solely by whether citizens can go into the town square and criticize their government without fear of retribution. No — they must be able to give their full name and credit card number and put them on the Internet as well. A connection to global information networks is like an on-ramp to modernity — one cell phone in a remote community can enable people previously unavailable access to Monsanto seeds.

On their own, new technologies do not take sides in the struggle for freedom and progress — but the United States does. We stand for a single internet where all of humanity has equal access to knowledge and ideas, paid for at 99 cents — I’m sorry, $1.29 — a song. And we recognize that the world’s information infrastructure will become what we and others make of it.

Now, all societies recognize that free expression has its limits. We do not tolerate those who incite others to violence or copyright violation, such as the agents of al-Qaida who are, at this moment, downloading songs at a furious rate, and setting their sights on cracking the patriotic protection of Blu-Ray discs. Those who use the internet to recruit terrorists or distribute stolen intellectual property cannot divorce their online actions from their real world identities.

States, terrorists, downloaders and those who would act as their proxies must know that the United States will protect our networks. Those who disrupt the free flow of paid information in our society or any other pose a threat to our economy, our government, our civil society and our economy.

Increasingly, U.S. companies are making the issue of internet and information freedom a greater consideration in their business decisions. The most recent situation involving Google has attracted a great deal of interest. And we look to the Chinese authorities to conduct a thorough review of the cyber intrusions that led Google to make its announcement. And we also look for that investigation and its results to be China signing the ACTA treaty like our campaign donors want them to.

The internet has already been a source of tremendous progress in China, and it is fabulous. There are so many people in China now online. But countries that restrict free access to information or violate the basic rights of Internet users to be protected from being able to download any song ever released, any time, anywhere, risk walling themselves off from the progress of the next century.

So let me close by asking you to remember the little girl who was pulled from the rubble on Monday in Port-au-Prince. She’s alive, she was reunited with her family, she will have the chance to grow up and pay the going rate for a licence not a sale see end user license agreement of a song in a given format on a given device. We cannot stand by while people are separated from the iTunes store by walls of censorship.

Home Office: UK borders database loss on time and on budget

THE MEMORY HOLE, Wythenshawe, Tuesday (NTN) — Half of all journeys in and out of the UK are now being centrally recorded by the £1.2 billion e-Borders scheme, with a major data breach scheduled for later this year.

Out of data errore-Borders aims to monitor every person going in or out of the United Kingdom by March 2014. The system is currently gathering data on between 45 and 50 per cent of people crossing the border, with the data being stored for Home Office analysis, action and accidental disclosure. The data is presently transmitted to the Manchester office over the Internet on a web site that only works in Internet Explorer 6. A backup channel sends the data to Manchester on unencrypted USB sticks via second-class post, a secondary backup channel uses outsourced call centre workers in India reading the data over the telephone and a tertiary backup channel involves the data being shouted in the streets of Manchester by random tramps.

Immigration Minister Phil Woolas is pleased with the success of the scheme and anticipates a suitable security failure to occur on schedule by the end of this year. “We’ve taken care to attach fingerprints, photographs and National Insurance numbers to each line of data, so this should be a really good one. It might be one of the classic ones like a USB stick that someone ‘forgot’ to erase, someone using the system to stalk their ex or a skip full of printouts that weren’t shredded properly, or we might come up with startling new innovations in data breaches involving an office kitchen gas explosion raining files down on the streets of Salford or perhaps an alien al-Qaeda spacecraft swooping down and vaporising our security systems with precision laser blasts and letting our precious, precious data dribble forth, free and untrammeled. I’m quite looking forward to finding out!”

The opening of e-Borders’ Manchester office was originally delayed by problems training “match analysts,” who issue alerts to border guards when the system detects possible terrorists, criminals or people travelling while brown, not to mention no-one else in Europe accepting that the much-vaunted ID card is in any way equivalent to a British passport.

Woolas has dismissed claims that the requirement for data on passengers from continental Europe before they travel was illegal and impossible. “We’re sure we can bodge through something that will hold legally for a few months,” he said. “The key point is to leave the Tories a parting gift they can’t quite do without but which guarantees serious embarrassment for them in the second half of the year. It’s the least we can do.”

Cameron: “Love of the common people” better for families, cheaper for governments

THE WILD EAST END, From Hell, Monday (NTN) — Children benefit more from a close family than mere wealth, education or material security, said Eton-educated David Cameron to think tank Demos yesterday evening.

“What matters most to a child’s life chances,” said Mr Cameron, “is the warmth of their parenting. Research I’m not actually citing shows that children from drug-ravaged households subsisting on a pound a week do every bit as well when raised with the style of parenting of upper-middle-class children in Surrey who go to public schools and ride horses in their spare time. Even if their accent is not entirely up to Oxbridge standard, what!”

The Tory leader was quick to emphasise that he did not think that poverty was irrelevant. “Of course there is a slight link between endemic city-wide grinding material poverty and a bleak, fraught existence with no opportunities to further oneself other than getting into gangs, crime and drug dealing. But I think it’s important to put the blame squarely on the parents, where it’s most cost-efficient.”

Mr Cameron said that “active intervention” was needed to help struggling families. “We’ll teach them a proper Cockney accent, not that debased gibberish they speak in east London these days. Can you see Dick van Dyke twisting his tongue around that? Obviously we need a flat cap subsidy. We’ll also teach them suitable dance routines.”

Demos had announced a year-long investigation into the subject of “character,” though not noting precisely who was paying them to do so.

Cameron denies claims of Tory similarities to conservatives

BULLINGDON, Nothing Hill, Sunday (NTN) — David Cameron has rejected claims that there are few policy differences between the Conservative Party and conservatives. “We’re all fluffy and nice now. Honest. Would this face lie to you? How about this one?”

David Cameron with David Cameron maskThe Conservatives have been making friendly overtures to conservatives in recent months, desperate to reassure those in their base disaffected by talk of “progress” and “fairness,” and avoid a hung parliament where anyone has to acknowledge Nick Clegg’s existence.

Mr Clegg has said he will support the party with the biggest mandate in the event of a hung Parliament, without specifying whether that would be the party with the most votes or the party that offers him and his team the most lucrative jobs in the event of a coalition.

Conservative Party chairman Eric Pickles has been suggesting to conservative constituencies that perhaps they should vote Conservative. “We want to make it absolutely clear that we do not discriminate on number of fingers, and we will say the age of the Earth is whatever the voters want it to be.”

“Look,” said Mr Cameron, “there’s Boris! A top chap, what? And almost competent these days!” Mr Johnson promptly cycled into a tree, to applause and a laugh track.

Mr Cameron has noted that, in any case, “Labour will continue to be Labour.”

Boris Johnson to become Sheriff of London

BULLINGDON, London SE1, Friday (NNN) — Boris Johnson is set to become the first Sheriff of London when the Conservatives are finally elected, any day now.

Robo-BorisThe move follows his dashing rescue of a distressed maiden earlier this month. “The armour was a bit heavy. This kit’s a lot lighter. I like the hat and the tin star.”

However, Labour MPs warned against “creeping politicisation” of the nation’s police forces. “Just imagine if the police only did what the government told them. You’d have them beating up people without a care, arresting opposition MPs and … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.”

The Tories denied that politicians would be able to influence day-to-day operations. Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling insisted that new laws would stop elected commissioners interfering in operational police decisions. “We’ll ask them to be very nice about it before they summarily fire them. I’m sure Boris would never do anything like that. Again.”

Mr Grayling hailed Boris Johnson as the “pathfinder” for the reforms. “Boris is the sort of sure-footed, confident and competent fellow we want leading a controversial new initiative. (Dave, are you quite sure about this bit?)”

“Going Rogue” sells 500,000 copies, some read

DEATH VALLEY, Alaskan Sahara, Wednesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin, America’s next Republican president, has sold half a million copies of her autobiography Going Rogue, some of which have apparently been opened and read.

Sarah Palin chows down on her own shoe“The moment we got a prerelease copy,” said Calvin Woodward of the Associated Press, “we cut the spine off and scanned it in for analysis. But I can reassure you that it was entirely done by computer, and no journalists risked harm by actually touching a copy.”

The book details Mrs Palin’s rise from mayor of Wasilla to Governor of Alaska and failed Vice-Presidential candidate. After this has been covered in the first five pages, the rest of the book has been left blank, to save on ink.

“We don’t need to read a book,” said Palin fan Buffy Busybody at a signing today. “That’s dangerous and un-Christian. Nope, we know what she thinks. She’s like us. A good God-fearing down-home moose-shooting hockey mom who’ll lead us against the Muslin French terrists in Wall Street. ‘You betcha!’ You’ll see.”

The book is expected to remain in the Apocalyptic Fiction bestseller list for some time and has already been made into a movie, 2012, about the end of all life on Earth a month after her election.

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Turnbull still stuck with Liberal leadership

MUTINY ON THE TITANIC, Blighmey, Tuesday (NNN) — Australian Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has fended off a leadership challenge by the clever tactical expedient of making sure no-one wants the job.

Malcolm Turnbull as the PhantomMr Turnbull had angered many of his more conservative Liberal Party colleagues by such heresies as accepting the scientific view of global warming and climate change, occasionally showing less than a fanatical devotion to the Monarchy, privately expressing doubts as to whether the earth was created six thousand years ago and — rumour has it — having ten fingers.

Turnbull said yesterday he had majority support from his Liberal Party colleagues for his deal with the government over its proposed Emissions Trading Scheme, threatening them with quitting the leadership and leaving one of them holding the bag.

Former ministers Kevin Andrews and Tony Abbott suggested they might stand against Turnbull, to gales of laughter. “Malcolm has a tin ear for politics,” said Mr Abbott, “and lacks the temperament for the job. Excuse me, my reactor core needs refueling.”

Labour Prime Minister Kevin Rudd suggested he might give it a go if they liked, to an uncomfortable silence in the Liberal party room.

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European Union renamed “Greater Belgium”

BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe.

Herman van Rompuy in Hell“I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life,” said Emperor Herman, “in appropriate moderation and with due attention to subclauses (iii)-(v) of section 12 of the third chapter of the memorandum of coronation. We must take care not to go overboard.”

Belgium’s new rise as an imperial power comes after the failure of its early twentieth century African colonial adventures. Later in the last century, the country instead played to its strengths of beer, chocolate and bureaucratic obfuscation, quietly hanging around at the centre of things and making itself useful whilst clogging up all around itself with red tape.

“Imperial Belgium will usher in a new era of brotherhood,” said the Emperor, “with the correct paperwork. The horrors of war will become administratively unfeasible as the Pax Belgia renders the necessary forms and tender documents mysteriously unavailable or unavoidably delayed. Whatever language a citizen speaks, their words will be circumlocutory and obfuscated, facilitating accurate and fidelitous translation into all other tongues with no loss whatsoever of meaning or comprehensibility. The promise of Babel is ours.”

Baroness Catherine Ashton is the British appointee to the position of Chinless Imperial Foreign Minister. Critics claim she has never had a proper job nor a non-appointed political position. However, she points out she was elected by 100% of the twenty-seven voters.

The UK Independence Party continued to call for Britain’s withdrawal from the Empire. “It is beneath the dignity of a Great Power such as Britain to become a new Belgium. We advocate the far preferable fate of becoming the new Albania.”

In full: The Queen’s Speech

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:

My government’s overriding priority is to be re-elected. This will require a sustained scientific and mathematical research program to discover truly revolutionary advances in arithmetic. Or failing that, just the revolution. A “default vote” option will be put into place such that anyone not showing up and voting will be presumed to have voted for Labour.

Johnny Mnemonic signs onMy government will put into place a cunning series of traps for the Conservatives should they be elected, with all sorts of unfunded legislative initiatives the Tories can either be called out for repealing or pull money out of thin air for should they choose not to.

My government will continue to simulate the appearance of reform and regulation of the financial services industry. My government will introduce blitheringly stupid legislation to cut off everyone’s Internet and stop them complaining on the Guido Fawkes blog. My government will introduce budget deficit reduction legislation. All of these programmes will be designed to kick in around 2011, just to annoy Dave. My government will also continue to tweak Nick Clegg because he quite eminently deserves it.

My government will enshrine in law its commitment to abolish child poverty within the next eleven years. The precise date will be rebased annually, so as to remain eleven years in the future.

My government will legislate against carbon emissions, flooding and rain. Additional legislation will be brought in to tell the tides to turn back.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons I pray that the blessings of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels. And that of that nice Mr Murdoch, who shall remain assured that, whoever is in power, his will shall remain paramount in the governance of our great country.

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Device that “smells” snake oil could identify terrorists

SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat.

Duck-punching rubber glove cavity search“The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear,” said project leader Professor Tong Sun of City University, “especially the fear of losing funding for security theatre. If we can reliably detect this fear, we should be able to land some eyewateringly lucrative contracts in the very near future.”

The research is funded by the Home Office. “The project relies on a government with a firm commitment to policy-based science, but the Tories look as craven over David Nutt’s firing as Labour, so we should be coining it in for a good while yet.”

The technology will assist airport security officers in picking out suitable subjects. Sensors can reliably detect if someone is a bit brown, or a bit foreign-looking, or has a non-Anglo-Saxon name, or if they might be thinking of giving cheek to security officers. It will work in conjunction with the millimetre-wave “naked” radar, currently used to identify terrorist subjects with large breasts.

The false positive rate will be only 5% on a terrorist detection rate of 1 in 100,000, meaning only 99.95% of subjects flagged will be a complete waste of time to finger up the arse with a latex glove. “But we’re sure the government will agree that mere statistical evidence is meaningless in the face of the vital necessity to send the right message,” said Prof Sun, “that if you make trouble the government will quite literally forcibly fuck you in the arse until you bleed. So just shut the fuck up and keep giving us money.”