THE MEMORY HOLE, Wild Wild North, Wednesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught telling the truth in public today, in a horrifying breach of electoral etiquette that could shake people’s faith in politicians to the core.

The disgusting incident occurred while knocking on doors in Goosestep-on-the-Green, Rochdale, as, after speaking to Hausführer Eva McBraun, 77 (IQ), about her collection of World War II memorabilia and her rottweiler Zyklon, he let slip to his assistant that she was “perhaps not entirely one hundred percent on-message with this whole ‘multicultural’ thing.”

The media was universally appalled on everyone’s behalf, as front pages were filled with “BROWN IN NAZI SLUR ON BRITAIN SHOCK” and the BBC played a loop of the incident on repeat, zooming in on the stomach-churning sight of Mr Brown letting slip with a facial expression. The Sun has offered Mrs McBraun £50,000 for a Page 3 shoot and opinion column.

“I have offered my sincere apologies to Mrs McBraun,” said Mr Brown this afternoon, “and have said that I am very sorry she is such a bigoted arsehole. Furthermore, I apologise to the British people for having shown signs of morals, ethics and a human reaction to racist fuckwittery, and would probably rather these nascent BNP cadres vote for us rather than someone else, even if I’m a bit nauseated to be associated with them even that much. I will be consulting with His Royal Highness Prince Philip on public relations techniques.”

“People might think he was some sort of socialist,” said concerned psychopathologist David Cameron, “with unsustainable notions of ‘fairness’ and ‘welfare’ and not having all the immigrants taken out and shot as Britain needs in these interesting times. Not that that’s racist.”

Nick Clegg spoke of the Liberal Democrats’ strong support for social equality and proportional representation for all lifeforms, human, plant, bacterium or even Tory, as people admired his choice of tie for going on telly with.

“I’m never voting Labour again,” said Mrs McBraun, “not that I ever did before. Although that Mr Mandelson is a fine fellow. Immaculately groomed. Very well turned out. And those nice young men he associates with. The way he dances on skulls is most head-turning.”

INCOMING, Whopping, Thursday (NTN) — A YouGov poll has revealed that Dave Cameron won tonight’s leaders’ debate with 62% of the vote. A followup poll demonstrated flying pigs and Peter Mandelson voters.

YouGov is noted for its scrupulous fairness and lack of Tory backers. “We felt it was right to highlight voters’ concerns about Clegg’s funding, dress sense, haircut, an essay he wrote when he was eleven, his programme to establish parity between the pound sterling and the Zimbabwean dollar and his plans to sell Britain to Iceland for scrap,” said spokesman Andy Coulson.

“The Murdoch party is the only hope for Britain,” said concerned voter Andy Coulson. “This ‘Clegg’ fellow is unreliable and dangerous. Without the full, true, long-form birth certificate, we have no evidence Herr Clegg was not born in Nazi Germany, and indeed responsible for founding the Nazi Party.”

Reports in today’s Daily Express, filed by Andy Coulson, reveal how Nick Clegg sexually harassed the memory of Diana.

Mr Clegg has been accused of using techniques of mind control in his television debates. “A light will shine down,” said freelance engineering psychologist Andy Coulson, “it will fall upon you, you will experience an epiphany, and you will fall asleep from listening to Lib Dem policy.”

Early reports suggested someone called “Brown” was present at the debate this evening, though the statement was removed from Wikipedia pending a citation from a reliable source.

RED LIGHT, London SW1A, Sunday (NTN) — The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has called current levels of government lobbying “inconthievable” after three MPs were filmed walking the streets and waggling their arses at the cars of passing lobbyists.

Former ministers Geoff Hoon, Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt, Adam Ingram and Richard Caborn denied any rules were broken and said the bits where they offered to “do it in any position you like, anywhere, even right up there on the front benches, if the money is right, luv” were “taken out of context.”

A new system was being put in place, said Mr Brown, as a result of “unfortunate errors by MPs and terrible media misconceptions” that would be “open and transparent” for the future. “I was shocked and appalled by these goings-on, which of course I knew nothing about. Nothing whatsoever.”

Mr Brown promised “massive changes. There’s got to be a register of lobbying interests, there’s got to be openness and transparency in the expenses system. We can also promise a chicken in every pot and a free bag of money for every reader. And all of this before June! Vote now! While you still can! Or I’ll do that thing where the corners of my mouth go up again. I’m warning you.”

David Cameron called Mr Brown’s comments “the transparent desperation of a failed government. Of course, we would never allow lobbyists that close to Parliament. We’re just putting them up as our PPCs instead.”

DAS BUNKER, London SW1A 0AA,, Tuesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown will promote a new voting system, in only slight desperation to hold onto the tattered remnants of power by any even vaguely plausible means.

The new Alternative Vote system will involve votes for Labour being counted as Labour, votes for the Tories being counted as Labour, votes for the BNP being counted as Monster Raving Loony and votes for the Lib Dems being counted as silly.

“This is part of a ‘new politics’ that will restore public trust damaged by the expenses controversy,” he said. “We can steal an election on the cheap just as effectively. See, we shuffle this vote over here. Ministers schedule debates here. This vote goes over here and is counted by the policy-based mathematician we just put into the Lords and made Minister for Hyperspatial Arithmetic. Then Peter practices his ballroom dancing on the bleached skulls of those who were foolish enough to object last time. Nothing can possibly go wrong!”

Parliament was actually surprised that the plans involved giving less power to Parliament and more to ministers parachuted into the Lords.

“I will serve a full term when, I mean if, re-elected,” said Mr Brown. “You can be sure I will be here for the full five years. Heck, we might not even need to have an election next time. Or the time after. So Peter says, anyway. I’m sure you trust him as much as I do.”

THE WINTER PALACE, On The Skids, Wednesday (NTN) — The identity card trial in Manchester has announced “stunning success,” with almost 1300 of the three million people in Greater Manchester having applied. Also, tractor production is up 500 per cent.

The number works out to 43 applicants per day for the new identity card, guaranteed to be a completely functional replacement for the standard British passport except the bit where any other country accepts it as one and an ironclad proof of age except if you want to have a barman actually know what the hell it is and not think it’s something you printed at home. Advertising the new card cost only £500,000, just £385 for each applicant. The number of applicants closely correlated with the number of Home Office staff working in the Greater Manchester area.

The process is modeled on the online application system for a standard passport, in which you fill in the information on a web page, the office prints out the information on a filled-in form, then post it to you, then you sign it and send it back. “Obviously that’s far too straightforward, I mean, prone to fraud,” said junior Home Office minister Meg Hillier. “We need a few more steps in there. And the concomitant staff.”

Mrs Hillier said that 439,000 Mancunians had applied for standard passports in the same time period, though she could not offer a breakdown of numbers per area of Manchester, as that would require being able to keep track of the addresses of passport applicants. “Deadly secret,” she said, tapping her nose. “Data protection. If I told you I’d have to bore you to death.”

KEEP CALM, And Carry On Panicking, Friday (NTN) — The Home Office has raised the terrorist threat level to “really strong tea.” An attack is not expected, but the government just “felt like it.”

The Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre (Jtac), a unit within MI5, had advised raising the threat level based on a broad range of factors, including losing the Section 44 case, the news cycle, how stroppy the human rights advocates were getting these days and whether Cameron had put his foot in it lately.

“It’s Monday,” mumbled Home Secretary Alan Johnson. “it’s a new year. There’s a pile of shit in front of you. Your head is pounding. There’s no imminent threats, but you just know that incompetent fuckwit in Detroit will make matters worse. Tea will help. Really it will. Boyfriend dumped you? Tea. You’ve got cancer? Tea. Terrorists blowing up London Underground? Tea, damn it.”

He urged public vigilance to continue. “Look out for the usual signs of trouble. People photographing landmarks or policemen. Particularly if the photographer’s brown, that’s a sure sign. People Twittering stupid stuff. People Twittering. People. Oh God, my head. Never get involved in a land war in Asda.”

Mr Johnson squeezed the bridge of his nose for a moment. “Just be glad we didn’t raise the level to ‘gin.'”