Category Archives: Politics

Entertainment, Politics, United States

Disney’s “Babe” a huge heartland hit

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VARIETY, Lack Of, Friday (N! News) — A tight Karl Rove script makes a hit of the Mouse’s new dramedy Babe, a Fox co-production, helmed by Ron Howard and starring Britney Spears. It’s done whammo box office in the Bible Belt in its first two weeks, despite a panning from Gotham critics.

Sarah “Babe” SpearsThe fairy-tale pitch — a moose-shooting PTA hockey mom becomes President — is played slickly, with a pretty but tough heroine who starts in small-town Wasilla, Alaska and makes it to the top with down-home determination, religion and integrity intact.

Other stars include the chantoosie’s sister Jamie Lynn as the heroine’s daughter and Russian chopsocky hero Vlad Putin as the final villain.

The flick was greenlighted as a rush production by the GOP shingle prexy John McCain, expected to leave some time in the next four years, originally as second feature to so-so sequel Scrooge McBush. “Plot doesn’t matter. It’s all about heart.”

Babe opened big but rival distribs are dubious about its legs. “We don’t think it’ll even make it to November,” said Obamamania! studio DNC. “It can’t. Can it?”

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Politics, United States

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac taken over by Federal government

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HORSETRADER’S, Beltway, Sunday (NNN) — The small-goverment Republican Presidential administration, whose fundamental economic belief is to allow the free market to reach solutions without official interference, has nationalized the giant Fannie Mae (FNM.PK) and Freddie Mac (FRE.PK) mortgage associations, placing them under the control of the Federal Housing Finance Agency.

Foreclosed mortgagees for McCain“This is absolutely within our ideology,” said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. “We have a lot of money in those markets ourselves, you know.

“We owe it all to the bedrock of our economy: the ordinary hard-working taxpayer. You resisted the siren call of credit cards, lived within your means to save for a rainy day, never took out an interest-only mortgage, credit score to make Jesus cry. Without taking every penny you saved over the $100,000 guarantee, we’d never have made it. And the best bit is, we know you’ll still vote Republican! God bless you all!”

The hideously biased liberal mainstream media has continued to help, running a steady stream of pro-spending, pro-creditor news stories supporting a prop under house price speculation.

President Bush has recruited his brother Neil as a consultant, after Neil’s expert involvement in the savings and loan collapses of the late 1980s. “I can’t believe he got clean away with that one.”

Mr Bush stressed his commitment to his core constituency. “The bankers and Wall Street traders. Just because you showed ridiculous incompetence in lending doesn’t mean that you, and the hideously exposed like me, don’t deserve a second chance. God bless America! And its hard-working backbone! And there’s still their pensions for next time!”

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Politics, Science, United States

Arctic ice melting heralds vast opportunities

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NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NNN) — The Arctic Ocean is now largely clear of ice, heralding vast new business opportunities, President Sarah Palin announced today.

Arctic tourismThe famed North-West Passage is now permanently navigable, with huge shipping volumes between Arctic nations. “We’re considering just building a highway straight across,” said Mrs Palin, “though those long desert drives can be dangerous to health without air conditioning.”

Tourists have been flocking to Alaska and northern Canada to get away from the boiling oceans and sulphurous atmosphere around Hawaii. The Nunavut Tourist Bureau has shipped 60,000 swimming polar bear shirts this month alone. “It’s also clear,” said Palin, “that the bears have no business claiming to be endangered when there’s so many jobs in tourism for them.”

Oil drilling in Alaska will also be much easier, and will of course further the conditions leading to this Arctic economic boom. “No it won’t,” said Palin. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ll say one thing for them evilutionist climate change conspirators,” giggled Palin, “their hard work to take away the ice and make it look like they were right has done wonders for us good and decent folk.”

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Politics, United States

McCain: Leave Palin alone

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CONSERVAPEDIALITY, Minnesota, Thursday (NNN) — John McCain has angrily condemned the media for questioning the way his running mate Sarah Palin’s candidacy was vetted.

Wax Britney Palin“LEAVE SARAH ALONE!” Mr McCain cried, his eyeliner smearing. “How goshdarn dare anyone out there make fun of Sarah after all she has been through!”

McCain pooh-poohed suggestions that the last-minute choice of a creationist Pentecostal abstinence-touting book-banning Alaskan separatist gun nut with crossed eyes eerily reminiscent of Dan Quayle’s and the conversational powers of George Bush was in any way hasty or pursued with less than the utmost of diligence.

“All you people care about is readers and making money off of her. SHE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Sarah is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about her. LEAVE HER ALONE! You are lucky she even performed for you BASTARDS! LEAVE SARAH ALONE! Please! LEAVE HER ALONE!”

Mrs Palin giggled and smiled for the cameras, before bagging three of the more obnoxiously liberal journalists with her handy Hello Kitty AR-15.

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Politics, United States

McCain picks George Bush as running mate

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CONSERVAPEDIALITY, Minnesota, Friday (NNN) — John McCain, 72, has announced his Vice-Presidential candidate: George W. Bush.

Sarah W. Bush“We think George represents … I’m sorry, it’s not George. It’s Sarah. And he’s black! I’m sorry, he’s female. Same thing.”

Bush, the governor of Alaska, is a former Miss Alaska, Vogue model and mayor of a suburb of Anchorage, and a firm believer in creationism, the global warming conspiracy, compulsory heterosexual marriage and the right to life only up to birth. “I firmly believe Sarah W. Bush is the most qualified person to be a heart attack away from the presidency,” said Mr McCain. “What is it exactly that the V.P. does all day?” giggled Sarah.

“It’s clear you should vote Republican, especially all you little ladies, because my vice-president shoots moose, rassles b’ars and has great legs and really cute tits. And doesn’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you … I’m sorry, he does plaster on the makeup like a trollop. Tits, though. All the evangelical Hilary fans should vote for tits. Black ones. I’m John McCain.”

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Politics, Technology, United Kingdom

Home Office in Internet propaganda war

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TEH INTARWEB, Lolcat, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Home Office counter-terrorism experts intend to exploit nu meeja websites to “channel messages through volunteers in Internet forums” as part of a campaign to “taint the al-Qaeda™ brand,” according to a document accidentally posted to Wikipedia this morning.

al-Failda“We understand that people on Internet forums have no experience whatsoever of participants paid to advocate a position or product,” says the report. “A single image macro exchange of ‘U R TERRIST’ ‘NO U’ ‘O RLY?’ ‘SRSLY’ could save countless lost souls.”

The unit is also targeting the BBC and other online news outlets. The main obstacle appears to lie in writing messages stupid enough to pass for genuine reader comments. “Some of our top fake news writers have burnt out their brains on the task and now sit shaking and gibbering about real life being worse than any parody. And house prices.”

Other work includes faked reports of al-Quaeda branded Zunes on Gizmodo, suitably on-message mouseover popups on XKCD and photomanipulations of Osama bin Laden as Pedobear on 4chan.

The initiative was spearheaded by a Home Office civil servant asked to account for the number of work hours he seemed to be spending on Internet message boards. His latest proposal is to fight al-Qaeda on MP3, BitTorrent and pornographic websites. “I’ve bought a new 500 gigabyte USB portable disk drive on expenses to store this important confidential data,” he said.

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Europe, Ireland, Politics

Ireland floats second EU treaty vote

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DUBLIN, Sicily, Monday (NNN) — Ireland may go to the polls again for a referendum on the new European Union constitution treaty gentleperson’s agreement. “I stress that this is very much only a personal view at this stage,” said European Affairs Minister Dick Roche, penciling the referendum in for next June at the very latest.

European Union diplomatic mission to IrelandIrish voters plunged the EU into a diplomatic crisis when they had the bare-faced cheek to reject the Lisbon treaty in June. The second referendum will have the options “YES” or “NEXT YEAR.”

“Minister Roche is not calling for a second referendum to be put,” a government spokesman said. “That would not be a fair reflection of his words. Of course, we’re utterly buggered if we don’t.”

EU President Nicolas Sarkozy concurred. “The people of Ireland have to understand: Europe is like a family. This is an offer you would be very unwise to refuse.”

MEP Mary Lou McDonald demanded concessions for Ireland before the treaty could be taken to the voters again. The EU quietly reminded her of their extensive offensive arsenal of “thousands” of truckloads of dangerously tedious documents, carrying toxic payloads of long-winded obfuscation and misdirection in several major and minor languages.

Politics, United Kingdom

UK Government loses all data on everyone

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THE MEMORY HOLE, Whitehall, Sunday (NNN) — Annual reports from Whitehall departments show that the government has lost all data it ever held on anyone.

Out of data errorLosses have occurred through couriered unencrypted disks, misplaced memory sticks, lost laptops, briefcases left on trains and files falling down the side of the tea machine. “The real scandal is that a train was running for them to lose a case on,” said a source whose name has been lost.

Treasury minister Jane Kennedy said the HM Revenue and Customs breaches did not necessarily result in data losses, or at least any that they have records of. HMRC said it takes data losses and security breaches “very seriously” and thoroughly investigates any breach that it does not lose track of.

Information Commissioner Richard Thomas has served enforcement notices on various departments for their data losses, but the departments in question could not find their office addresses to accept the notices. They noted, however, that Mr Thomas’ call was very important to them, and that he had been placed in a queue.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith reassured citizens that plans for an all-encompassing ID card linked to biometric passports and a universal medical record with the NHS would not change because of these losses. “We won’t even be thinking about them.”

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Politics, United Kingdom

UK economy comes to a complete halt; everyone gives up and goes home

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CANTBEARSED, East Cheam, Friday (NNN) — UK economic growth ground to a halt between April and June, according to official statistics.

Big Ben closed for businessEconomic activity has ceased, with nothing being bought or sold. No-one has shown up to work in the last two weeks. Tube stations have been buried under uncollected copies of Metro. The populace have given up eating, choosing instead to sit humming and staring into space.

House prices have dropped 99.998%, the last recorded offer being five quid and a bottle top. “I didn’t take it because I couldn’t be bothered,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “Not that anyone else will be asking.”

Fears of Mad Max-style gangs roaming the country with guns and flamethrowers have failed to come to pass, owing to a shortage of paraffin and general apathy. “What’s the point?” said tribal gang warlord Ravencrush Hornbastard. “There’s no telly on anyway and the shops are all shut. What would we spend it on?”

“It could be worse,” said treasurer Alistair Darling. “We could be trying to use the US dollar as currency.”

Media, Politics, United States

Why Obama has to get mad for us to win

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PHONING IT IN, The Beach, mid-afternoon (NNN) — With the vice-presidential buzz and the Democratic convention just days away, what’s most important is what Barack Obama’s campaign does afterwards.

Quite simply, he needs to create a more compelling narrative on change and get angry about something. Our ratings depend on it. It’s August, dammit. How many stories about cute puppies can you run? Attack ads! Push polls! We need material!
Holy Obama

We need the argument that this is an election with two choices — not just one popular dynamic guy and one old past-it guy. That’s not a compelling media narrative!

Obama’s 2:1 advantage in the Electoral College is far too confusing for our viewers. We need to re-run polls until we get one with a 1% change, never mind the 3% error margin. It’s so close! Experts say it’s a wake-up call! Better keep your eyes glued to the screen! Oh my goodness!

If Obama can just pull ahead between now and November 4, he may become President Barack Obama … Or not! Who knows? You need to keep watching! Right here! Stay tuned!