GRUB STREET, Wapping, Tuesday (NNN) — The Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, has announced new restrictions on immigrants to the UK from outside the EU, as part of his £3 trillion “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” project to solve all the country’s problems by keeping anyone from coming here. “They’re only here to steal good British jobs, like fish gutting, winkle picking, gangmastered crop harvesting, organised begging or enforced prostitution. Fair crack o’ the raw prawn, mate!”

“The Anti-Wog Barrier, with its Page 3, St George’s flag and lager traps, is Britain’s first defence against the Johnny Foreigner Menace,” said Rebekah Wade, Secretary for Mutual Understanding, in official government gazette The Sun today.

“We stand firm with the Murdoch Party in this important initiative,” said Piers Morgan, leader of the Daily Mail Party. “It’s the only way to protect our nation from invading Poles and Romanians, coming over here with their EU passports just as if they’re European or something. It’s political correctness gone mad! I read they ate a swan!”

“As an old-style Conservative and mayor of an international city,” said London mayor Boris Johnson, “I believe this initiative needs to be handled in a reasonable and sensitive way. Make sure they have a decent income, what? And a respectably well-spoken accent. We can help integrate them, take them to the rugby or boating. I’m Turkish, you know!” he added, brandishing his promotional family tree.

“As civil servants, we perform our assigned duties in a professional, efficient and effective manner as directed by those with the proper authority,” said minor administrator Gordon Brown.

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CHAP CENTRAL, Southbank, Friday (NNN) — After firing Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair, London mayor Boris Johnson has announced a public competition to design an iconic robot replacement.

“The classic London bobby was a tourist landmark,” said Mr Johnson. “We need something that will really sum up London, that will really look the part of the new ’Ello-’Ello-’Ellomaster.”

Johnson’s dismissal of Blair has been condemned from all quarters, with senior constables across the country refusing the job as too prone to political interference.

“Well, we had to get rid of that Blair fellow. Political disaster, don’t you know. Horribly prone to bumbling and gaffes. Well, that’s all over! We have the plans, we have the committee, we have Dom Grieve and the party chaps on side. We can bind law and order and short-term politics to work together seamlessly for the good of all. Gentlemen, I present: Robo-Tory!”

Sir Ian said he looked forward to a planned new position in the Home Office and possibly a seat in the House of Lords. “Anything, really, as long as I get at least one chance to call Boris onto the carpet. Mmm, yes.”

“Yet again Boris has made a complete hash of things,” said Ken Livingstone, though no-one asked him.

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DEPARTMENT OF CONTRACTING, Pfi, Thursday (NNN) — The Home Office today unveiled the new British identity card, to be issued to non-EU citizens in place of visas. “This is vitally important,” said the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith. “LOOK! TERRORISTS!”

The card bears the subject’s picture, name, date of birth, visa status, working status, place of birth, gender, mother’s maiden name, favourite TV show and football team and preferences in pornography. The biometric details will be the subject’s middle fingerprints. An RFID transponder and smart card chip will aid in the efficient reading and distribution of the subject’s details.

The card will be compulsory for foreign nationals. All terrorists and illegal immigrants will be required to obtain one and show it to policemen, council officials or dog catchers on request. From 2009, cards will be issued to new workers at airports, as forcing them upon existing staff may cause everyone to quit.

“The card evokes the fundamentally British nature of identity cards,” said Ms Smith, “as shown by the EU load of bull and stars and the absence of the words ‘Britain,’ ‘United Kingdom’ or similar. It’s the first UK identity card since the Second World War, so will help us all pull together in that jolly good old Blitz spirit.”

“We wholeheartedly support this move, for the good of Britain,” said Nick Hitler (no relation) of the British National Party. Reports that the BNP had put out a bounty on a “lost” data disk listing the names and addresses of every immigrant in the country are unconfirmed.

Ministers hope to roll out the scheme to everyone in the country by 2011, since they do not anticipate being summarily ejected from Parliament in the 2010 elections. In any case, EDS and Capita will still be paid.

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (NNN) — Abi Titmuss has been flagged as the hot prospect for leader of the Labour Party in the leadup to the Annual Conference.

The party has searched for a suitable candidate who is actually ideologically distinguishable from any of New Labour. Ms Titmuss’ cheeky grin and cheerful attitude are expected to resonate with voters, as are her breasts. She is also considered ideal for a job whose expected term is about fifteen minutes.

“As long as you can ’ave a larf, innit,” said the future Prime Minister and former nurse, television host, author, actress and woman foolish enough to have shagged John Leslie.

Should her 2010 bid for re-election fail, she is expected to run for Mayor of London in 2012, getting more magazine coverage than even Ken Livingstone managed. “Boris is still a bigger tit, though.”

Nuts is expected to replace The Sun as the official UK governmental journal of record. Gordon Brown’s name will also be legally changed by party vote to Gordon Arsemess.

THE FAERY CASTLE, Bournemouth, Wednesday (NNN) — Nick Clegg says the Liberal Democrats are on the way to power in his first conference speech as party leader.

“I can’t tell you every step on the road,” he said, taking a hit from his crack pipe, “but I can tell you where we’re headed: GOVERNMENT!”

He said they were the only party with “big, bold ideas for the country. New Labour is a zombie goverment and the Tories are arrogant. David Cameron is just a cuddly Tony Blair Lite hand puppet,” said the cuddly David Cameron Lite hand puppet.

The party had spent many hours debating the finer details of its “progressive and redistributive” tax package, just as if it had a hope in hell of implementing it.

“We must stay firm to Liberal Democrat values,” he said. “We must promise fluffy social liberalism whilst feathering our nests in every council and European Parliament seat we get. We can carry these values forward to Westminster.”

He also made a point of recommending stronger regulation of the banking sector, along with supporting the sky being blue and the sun rising in the east.

The Lib Dems have also come under fire over their plan to cold call 250,000 marginal voters with an automated message to get feedback on Mr Clegg’s key policy promises. “Calling people by voice robot at dinner time when Coronation Street is on will be the key way of getting people on our side and enhancing our public image,” he said. “I think the voters will be keen to show their appreciation.”

The party was in a better position than ever before, he said. “I have been to the Arctic and secured Father Christmas’ firm backing. With his support and that of the Easter Bunny and the contemporary militant Tooth Fairy jihadist movement, nothing is out of our reach. Join us now and feed the Liberals!”

A spokesman for Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the good laugh had been most welcome.

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