GRUB STREET, Wapping, Tuesday (NNN) — The Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, has announced new restrictions on immigrants to the UK from outside the EU, as part of his £3 trillion “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” project to solve all the country’s problems by keeping anyone from coming here. “They’re only here to steal good British jobs, like fish gutting, winkle picking, gangmastered crop harvesting, organised begging or enforced prostitution. Fair crack o’ the raw prawn, mate!”
“The Anti-Wog Barrier, with its Page 3, St George’s flag and lager traps, is Britain’s first defence against the Johnny Foreigner Menace,” said Rebekah Wade, Secretary for Mutual Understanding, in official government gazette The Sun today.
“We stand firm with the Murdoch Party in this important initiative,” said Piers Morgan, leader of the Daily Mail Party. “It’s the only way to protect our nation from invading Poles and Romanians, coming over here with their EU passports just as if they’re European or something. It’s political correctness gone mad! I read they ate a swan!”
“As an old-style Conservative and mayor of an international city,” said London mayor Boris Johnson, “I believe this initiative needs to be handled in a reasonable and sensitive way. Make sure they have a decent income, what? And a respectably well-spoken accent. We can help integrate them, take them to the rugby or boating. I’m Turkish, you know!” he added, brandishing his promotional family tree.
“As civil servants, we perform our assigned duties in a professional, efficient and effective manner as directed by those with the proper authority,” said minor administrator Gordon Brown.
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