Category Archives: Politics

Labour takes back the “Web”

CYBERMANDY, The Information Super-Motorway, Monday (NNN) — Peter Mandelson has launched LabourListing.com, a completely independent Labour Party website not affiliated or controlled by the party in any way whatsoever.

Handy Mandy on LabourList“Spin is dead,” said Lord Mandelson today. “We’ve issued a press release to this effect to our favoured journalistic contacts.”

The site features an avatar of Lord Mandelson, a small “Handy Mandy” figure, to guide the reader through a very special Labour experience. Handy Mandy will offer the reader a completely free choice of several places to go to next, all leading to the same following page.

To compete with the highly successful ConservativeHome site, LabourLurching will feature:

  • A “take to this ‘Web’ thing” initiative involving the MPs most in tune with the culture and technologies of the Internet, such as Andy Burnham, with lots of help from his friends from the record companies. Labour supporters will be able to help vote on British Board for Web Classification ratings. “We should get through all two hundred million websites in no time.”
  • An Obama-style “virtual phone bank” for Labour campaigners in the run-up to this year’s council elections. The site will include coaching lessons in sounding like a robocall recording.
  • Breaking into “social networking,” on trendy and popular sites such as Friendster.
  • Expanding the use of “virals” and web humour. “We’re feeding pictures of Dave Cameron to 4chan, and we’re pretty sure we’re close to having one get popular instead of being followed up with a string of cartoons of Japanese schoolgirls with inflated breasts. Those nice fellows from b3ta also offered to help, and we can’t wait to see what they can do for us.”
  • Teaching Gordon Brown to use emoticons. “We’ve nearly managed to get him past putting frowny faces on everything.”

“The project will only work if we can end top-down politics,” said Lord Mandelson. “I am, of course, the first person anyone would think of for such a task.”

Young Tory expelled for dressing up as Tory

THE CHAPS, Hooray Club, Friday (NNN) — A member of the Young Conservatives has been expelled after going to a “bad taste” party dressed as a Young Conservative.

David Cameron with David Cameron maskYoung Conservative Matthew Lewis not only dressed up as a Tory, but bragged about it on his Arsebook page, saying he only needed “stockings and suspenders, a bin bag on my head and a tangerine in my mouth” to complete his outfit.

“There was a brief moment when I thought I might have gone too far with the costume, but it was OK — someone else went as Maggie Thatcher.”

Tory leader David Cameron had only a week before laid down new rules to avoid embarrassing gaffes by party activists.

“I fully understand the pain my actions have brought,” said Mr Lewis. “Dave says we have to act like fluffy greenie Lib Dems or something in public, at least where people can see us.”

“This offensive behaviour is not only shocking but intolerable and completely unacceptable,” said party chair Caroline Spelman. “There is no place for this sort of person in the party. He should look to his betters as an example, such as Prince Har— … I’ll start again, shall I.”

“The public will think long and hard before trusting anyone who acts like a Tory with their votes,” said ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair, to sniggers.

Haringey social workers to be able to search MPs’ offices

HARARE, Whitehall, Saturday (NNN) — New laws will allow the Electoral Commission to undertake searches of MPs’ offices without a warrant.

Jo Frost sends Michael Martin to the Naughty StepCommons Speaker Michael Martin had vowed to prevent “unauthorised” raids on MPs’ Westminster offices, but noted this was a very handy get-out for him. “The Tories have been up to some evil, evil stuff with money lately. Labour of course remained uncharged a coupla years ago. But to maintain confidence, we will outsource the job to real experts on sensitive intervention in difficult circumstances: Haringey Council Social Services.”

He said that Sharon Shoesmith had shown her expertise in dealing with power with diplomacy and tact, and had stunned and delighted all in New Labour with her bureaucratic acrobatics mathematically proving step by step that nothing whatsoever done by any individual at Haringey Council was in fact incorrect in the Baby P case, and that the brutal murder of the child in question could, therefore, not possibly have occurred.

The social workers will not, however, be permitted to take samples of the MPs’ DNA. “Though David Blunkett and John Prescott kept offering theirs.”

Jacqui Smith says the new measures will fit in with plans to search the homes of staff working on ID cards to prevent leaks, the plans in question having leaked.

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I’m A Cabinet Member: this year’s best jungle action

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (N! News) — We’ve seen tears, tantrums and torturous trials, but tonight we see the last episode in this year’s series of I’m A Cabinet Member, Help Me Stay In Here.

Gordon Brown’s massive boobFrom Gordon Brown asking if he could get elected by chomping on crocodile testicles to Jacqui Smith losing everyone’s details in the Creepy Crawly Identity Database — and who could forget all of the disgusting Bushtucker Trials, including Gordon and Alistair Darling munching a cocktail of bankers’ anuses and Ed Balls being shut in a dark cave full of PFI contractors?

David Miliband thinks he lost valuable airtime after Labour delegates banned him from doing anything strenuous. He wrenched his credibility when a strap holding him up broke in the Banana Trial — sending him crashing to the ground. He said camp joker Peter Mandelson had got on his nerves. “When he came in I thought, ‘is he a plant?’ Peter’s entertaining. He’s like a pantomime villain. I think he’s a nice guy underneath it all. The doctors say the crushed vertebrae should heal within a year or two.”

Lord Mandelson became a viewers’ favourite with his antics during the Bushtucker Trials — dropping recalcitrant minor ministers into a pit of bugs and practicing his ballroom dancing on the skulls of anyone who had ever crossed him in any way.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown celebrated the first anniversary of his massive boob. “After my next crisis I’ll make another boob. I love it. I’m obsessed with massive boobs. Mine apparently make quite an impact, though I don’t think they look that big. We’ll see what properly-commanded central planning can squeeze in there. Mmm, boobs.”

New plans for unemployed and immigrants in Queen’s Speech

BUCKLEY’S PALACE, Victorian, Wednesday (NNN) — The Queen’s Speech today announced new government plans to help get the country back on its feet and beat the Great Slight Economic Downturn by beating the people at the sharp end of it.

Johnny Mnemonic signs onJobcentres will employ lie detectors to train the unemployed to beat polygraph testing and maintain the convincing demeanor and operant-conditioning-induced emotionless psychopathy so helpful in job interviews, the modern workplace and the Church of Scientology. Staff will also be trained on the polygraphs so as to improve their skills at telling benefit recipients that no-one is available to handle their case right now, that they should wait at the upstairs desk or that they should call a never-answered 0870 number or lose their benefits. So as to eliminate child poverty, single mothers will be expected to be ready for work within 48 hours of giving birth, though this will be extended to 96 hours on medical advice from a Jobcentre doctor.

Tenured parasite upon public funds and author of the recommendations Professor Paul Gregg of Bristol University admitted the idea was to punish people by creating a “hassle” in their lives. Unions, welfare groups and millions of unemployed people kindly offered to return the favour.

Immigrants who make no effort to integrate will have to wait longer to become UK citizens. “Integration” will be measured by government testing of Coronation Street and Eastenders knowledge, prodigiousness of lager drinking, whether they have put sufficient personal initiative into breaking out of the brothel they are being held prisoner in, measurement of headscarf or beard length by official inspectors and whether the subject has a known propensity for being brown in public.

Bankers will be required at all times to wear a high-visibility orange vest with “Community Debtor” on the back, so that decent working people and their families are aware of the banking person’s presence and know not to acknowledge them unless they are actively lending money to them.

“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,” the Queen finished her speech, “I … oh, sod this. I’m not mouthing this demeaning bollocks another year. You can become a bloody republic. I’m off to Australia, they respect their monarchs there.”

Labour increases taxes for everyone except you personally, honest

WINEHOUSE CASINO, 11 Downing Street, Tuesday (NNN) — Prime Ministerial glove-puppet Alistair Darling detailed Labour’s economic stimulus package today. “We must keep the economy moving. As usual, we will achieve this by recruiting more civil servants and shuffling taxes around. Quick, which shell’s the VAT under? We will also force banks to lend more without such rapacious antisocial considerations as ability to pay back the loans.”

Amy Winehouse gets the drinks in“The bank bailout was a mere coverup for the Labour government’s gross economic mismanagement during ten years of prosperity,” said David Cameron. “That sort of irresponsible capitalism, let run loose in a plague of free enterprise, would never have been allowed to happen under a Tory government … stop sniggering over there.”

“The Prime Minister is like a drunk who has woken to the most appalling hangover,” said Boris Johnson, “and who reaches for the whisky bottle to help him dull the pain.”

“Not to worry,” said Mr Darling, “we’re taxing the hell out of drink too.”

“The recession must take its course,” said shadow health spokesman Andrew Lansley. “Recession improves the moral fibre of the nation. People tend to smoke less, drink less alcohol, eat less rich food and spend more time at home with their families. They sit around the wireless in communal bonhomie, huddled for warmth and filled with the Blitz spirit, listening to the BBC Home Service, feeling reassured that all is right with the world once more and the BBC announcer is broadcasting wearing a dinner jacket.” Mr Darling responded with threats to put Lord Mandelson on Strictly Come Dancing.

The Metropolitan Police rejected plans to order 10,000 taser weapons for police on the beat, but said they may reconsider in the event of a Conservative government.

BNP karaoke song list goes missing

BARKING, Utterly, Wednesday (NNN) — The British National Party’s conference karaoke has been cancelled owing to the song list going missing.

Hitler CatTalkSport DJ Rod Lucas has been fired. “Jonathan Ross was only suspended for twelve weeks!” Mr Lucas will be bringing suit, said his solicitor, BNP member Mr Blobby.

Songs from the list include “Keep The White Flag Flying”, “The Story Of The Whites”, “Ivory and Ivory”, “99 White Balloons”, “Lolcat Has Only Got One Ball” and the singalong favourite “Here We Go”, although organisers have to be sure to distribute the lyric sheet first.

Nick Griffin reassured the public they would stand firm. “We swear that we will never give you up. We will never let you down. We will never run around or desert you.” In a later comment, Rick Astley told the twat to fuck off.

The BNP constitution specifies that all singers must be white and the music list must be ethnically cleansed of any funkiness or natural rhythm. Rick Astley still told the twats to fuck off.

The Labour Party’s complete song list has also been released, to no interest whatsoever and a rejection letter from Wikileaks.

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Sarah Palin lined up for $7m book deal

WASILLA, New York, Monday (NNN) — Literary agents are queueing up to sign Sarah Palin to a book deal that could earn her up to seven million dollars.

Godzilla versus Mecha-Palin“She’s poised to make a ton of money. Every publisher and a lot of literary agents have been going after her,” said the Conservative Book Club. “Look at the elegance of the hand-tooled leather binding, the archival quality acid-free paper! Every copy will also come with a set of 100% all-American-made red, white and blue crayons to color it in.”

Although McCain aides had described her as a “diva,” a “whackjob” and a “deeply goddamn frightening redneck out of Deliverance’s worst nightmares,” the more conservative Republicans, thrilled by Palin’s right-wing views, are maneuvering to keep her in the public eye with a view to the 2012 elections and beyond. One group has collected tens of thousands of dollars, including many in-kind donations of moose carcasses, properly-dressed roadkill and spare white sheets, to pay for television advertisements to thank Palin for her efforts.

Despite Palin’s failure to secure the groups that McCain strategists hoped she might deliver — women, independent voters, suburbanites, those with ten fingers and only the one head — her supporters insisted that she should not be blamed for McCain’s shortcomings or Bush’s failures. “It were all the fault o’ them Muslin terr’ists,” said political commentator Joe the Plumber.

Camille Paglia declared that she had “heartily enjoyed Palin’s arrival on the national stage.” She also started suggesting people buy her new book on Palin, but was cut off at this point for some reason.

Current projections show Palin taking 95% of 25% of the electorate. “I was against the bank bailout from the first,” said Palin. “Lookit the rekerd. It was this governor, not that one! You betcha!”

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Home Office “outraged” at CIA report on bin Laden

HIGH STREET, Peshawar, Friday (NNN) — The Home Office has expressed its grave concern at a CIA report claiming that Osama bin Laden is not at the centre of Al-Qaeda of late.

Young woman, wearing negligee, lying in bed, holding book, with OSAMA BIN LADEN!!“This is an outrage up with which the British people shall not put,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “If Al-Qaeda were in fact merely small groups of malcontents in groups on the Pakistani border, worried that Barack Obama would be too nice for their recruitment prospects, there would be no need for all our plans. Which is, of course, ridiculous.”

“lol its simple,” said thesun.co.uk forum commentator tim_osman_663. “tax barrick obama bin larden out of his cave. send sum haringay social werkers aroun, theyll giv him a cup o tea. IF YOU GOT NUTHIN IN YOR CAVE YOU GOT NUTHIN TO HIDE. End Of!!”

Ms Smith stressed the necessity of the Government’s identity card scheme, noting that the proposed laws specifically required terrorists from the back country of Pakistan to present their cards upon the request of a policeman, or when suspected of lurking under the beds of our proud innocent British womenfolk.

The CIA reiterated that “the war is far from over” and bin Laden remained the greatest imaginable threat to the USA. “We’re sure we can convince Mr Obama of this, even as we failed to convince Jack Kennedy. If you know what I mean.”

Mandelson: “The audacity of post”

CHEQUE IN THE MAIL, Down The Back Of The Couch, last month (NNN) — Peter Mandelson is formulating plans for the Post Office™ to keep itself relevant to the modern world by developing new areas of business.

Never fear, Mandy is here“Lord Mandelson believes in the future of the Post Office™,” said Lord Mandelson. Royal Mail employees have been cautioned that garlic and silver crosses are not considered part of the postal uniform.

Plans include financial and government services and providing pictures for new passports and ID cards. “We can bring the poor in,” said Baron von Mandelson, “photograph them, take a DNA sample, tattoo the bar code on their foreheads and send them off to an efficiently stacked Post Office™ Council Cardboard Box, fitted with broadband. The bubble wrap provides excellent soundproofing and insulation. The journey through the sorting machine is not unreasonable in the circumstances.”

TV and vehicle licensing will be brought back into the network, and expanded to computer licensing. “Licensing and tracking every personal computer in the country is vital to saving rural services. We can also charge a mere 1p per email, travelling through the secured and monitored Home Office network, to fund these important focal points for local communities.”

Other plans include the supply of ice cream, fizzy drinks, petrol and lager. The Post Office™ will also be part of the Department of Health’s War On Obesity. “The gum on the back of stamps has been especially enhanced with a Xenical-based chemical, to promote an efficient dietary regime.”

Suggestions that the Post Office™ get into the business of physical delivery of letters and parcels were greeted with a perplexed snort of laughter.