IN WITH THE CHAPS, Yah-Boo Club, Monday (NNN) — Otis Ferry, 26, pro-hunting campaigner and arrogant over-monied twat who wastes oxygen like there aren’t decay bacteria who could make good use of it, will spend Christmas in jail after bail was denied today.

The son of Roxy Music singer Bryan is charged with assault, robbery, two counts of perverting the course of justice and being an arrogant over-monied twat. He will stand trial in March for truly mind-bogglingly arrogant twattery.

Mr Ferry has made numerous applications for bail, despite repeated claims that life in prison was easy. “Oh, come on — I boarded at a public school. Though I do work to get along with the other inmates, however, regaling them with tales from the hunt and the party circuit.”

“Honest, Guv,” said multiple murderer Bob “Pound You To Mincemeat” Fister, “he opened his mouth and it woz like my brain woz bein’ sucked out my ears. Lord love a duck, get me away from the twat in case I catch a terminal case of twat or something.”

Mr Ferry is likely to remain on remand at HMP Gloucester until his trial on March 9, despite legal action by other prisoners under European human rights legislation.

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RADIOPHONEY WORKSOP, Television Outskirts, Monday (N! News) — A new form of psychotherapy could be used to treat the majority of adults with Strictly Come Dancing disorders.

Based on a form of Skinner-box aversion therapy involving electrodes and sofas, it has the potential to treat more than 80% of cases of eating disorders in adults and help them keep their dinners down on Saturday nights. Around two-thirds of those who completed treatment made a “complete and lasting” response, with many of the remaining third showing substantial improvement in their television taste.

Michael Lyons, head of the BBC Trust, promised to review its Strictly Come Dancing scoring system after receiving nearly 200 complaints from viewers who had paid good money to watch at least one of the couples being taken out and publicly hung, drawn and quartered. “The producers are going to look at ways in which they can avoid this situation in the future — how to keep complaints down while continuing to extract 1-900 number fees. Perhaps two hundred and forty volts to the arse could do the job there too. But we don’t want to imply in any way whatsoever that we don’t simply love getting idiot complaints from whinging fools. It’s the centre of our existence. Letters, emails, faxes, why don’t you buy skywriting as well. ‘STRKLY FONE RIPOFF YAR BOO SUXXX,’ that’s the ticket. I’ll just be over here in my bath, slashing my wrists.”

Arlene Phillips dismissed allegations of a judges’ conspiracy — “Personally, I’d have had Tom Chambers castrated” — adding that the viewers were a pack of whiny fuckwits who should just “fuck off” and stop spoiling her lovely show. “They’d vote for Ian fucking Curtis if they could.”

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O2 ARENA CARPARK, Millennium Doom, Sunday (N! News) — Star Wars fans are to feel the force of the seminal sci-fi films and their iconic soundtracks on stage, screen, television, Game Boy, comic book and Internet in major new releases, which will launch next year.

In Star Wars: Journey To The Bottom Of The Barrel, the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra will play a live score as recreations of scenes from the six films with amusingly-captioned kittens are shown on a cinema screen.

It will not be a traditional musical with actors playing characters from the films, but will feature live narrators, speaking authentic lolcat dialect, as painstakingly reconstructed by linguists.

As well as the destruction of the Death Star (an exploding Wikipedia puzzle globe) and various love scenes between Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala (rendered with the relevant LEGO® figures), there will be several of the epic battle scenes for which Star Wars is famous, featuring Airfix model spacecraft taking on miniature cardboard battleships, as held in the jaws of cute kittens.

“Star Wars holds memories for practically everyone,” said George Lucas. “I can’t think of anyone who won’t be simply thrilled to have those memories lovingly caressed by these reconstructions. They’ll be particularly pleased to know that JarJar Binks is back, warning Han that Greedo is about to shoot first.”

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Wednesday (NNN) — The makers of a documentary on assisted suicide have defended their decision to film a reality TV show revolving around the concept.

In I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here Permanently, Z-list celebrities are locked inside a house festooned with knives, guns, poison, copies of Virgin Killer and each other. “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley is played twenty-four hours a day at 100 decibels. As housemates are slowly and exquisitely killed off by public vote, the contestant list gets down to two deserving finalists who, in a surprise upset, are both fed into a woodchipper feet first in a cheering finale for all the family.

“As a broadcaster,” said Barbara Gibbon of Sky Real Lives, “we believe that there is a role for television to inform public debate about even the most challenging subjects. We particularly enjoyed challenging Nicola McLean to count to ten without using her fingers, before suffocating her on her own breasts in the Lolo Ferrari Trial.'”

Dr Peter Saunders, director of the campaign group Care Not Killing, earlier accused programme makers of a “cynical attempt to boost television ratings.” He changed his mind when he heard the contestant list. “On reviewing the matter, we realised that seeing David van Day forced to actually eat his own arsehole live on television would create an increase in happiness and good cheer that would save at least five hundred suicides of worthwhile humans and was therefore a moral imperative. I’m leaving Virgin and going to Sky tomorrow.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Commons he was personally opposed to assisted suicide, but urged George Galloway to add this show to his television CV.

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