GORDON OF THE JUNGLE, Watch Out For That Tree, Monday (NNN) — After a report by the Civitas think tank that “A-levels could be done by a monkey these days,” British students have been hiring monkeys to do their homework for them while they engage in healthy outdoor activities and social interaction, usually involving White Lightning and happy slapping.
Popular students used to outsource their homework to the class nerds, but “the monkeys smell better and have better social skills. And don’t tell us to run Linux. They also hurl their poo accurately, not cackhandedly.”
A survey of sixth-form teachers confirmed the change. “The monkeys pay more attention,” said one, “have better handwriting, understand human speech better and don’t play tinny synthetic R&B on their phones in class. They prefer the theme from 2001.”
Online homework outsourcing monkey Anastasia de Waal, who consults at monkeybrains.co.uk, said the problem was overstated. “The money flows from those who can’t do the work to those who can. The students are happy, the monkeys are happy, the exam boards are happy, our takeover of the earth from the inferior human race proceeds to plan, Civitas can just bog off. Look, it’s all in this A-level Economics report I prepared. A snip at twenty-five bananas. Organic fairtrade only, please.”
Newspapers were horrified at the report, saying monkeys wouldn’t look good enough in bikinis for the annual A-level student photos.