All posts by David Gerard

BTP to tackle gangs with rubber gloves

January 13, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

MENEZES, Stockwell, Tuesday (NNN) — The British Transport Police has proposed that passengers buying a London train or tube ticket will be deemed to have consented to a public cavity search while their friends point and laugh.

The BTP wants to change the railways’ “conditions of carriage” to close a loophole that means officers at stations have no legal power to search someone for being brown or black in public. “Apparently it’s no longer legally considered ‘reasonable suspicion,'” said Jacqui Smith.

Consent to what would be extreme sadomasochistic practices if we weren’t talking about TSA personnel is already a condition of travel in the United States. Some searchers, such as Big Bertha at Seattle Airport, become tourist attractions.

Additional plans involve requiring all commuters to vote Labour in June’s council elections and consenting to being shot through the head by police marksmen.

The home secretary also wants to introduce orders banning individuals from visiting particular areas or wearing insignia or clothes that signal their allegiances. “We’re particularly worried about this ‘Nike’ gang we’re seeing across London, with its ‘swoosh’ logo depicting a large knife wound. This ‘er-and-bee’ music is also to be restricted.”

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Politics, Technology, United Kingdom

Labour takes back the “Web”

January 12, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

CYBERMANDY, The Information Super-Motorway, Monday (NNN) — Peter Mandelson has launched LabourListing.com, a completely independent Labour Party website not affiliated or controlled by the party in any way whatsoever.

“Spin is dead,” said Lord Mandelson today. “We’ve issued a press release to this effect to our favoured journalistic contacts.”

The site features an avatar of Lord Mandelson, a small “Handy Mandy” figure, to guide the reader through a very special Labour experience. Handy Mandy will offer the reader a completely free choice of several places to go to next, all leading to the same following page.

To compete with the highly successful ConservativeHome site, LabourLurching will feature:

A “take to this ‘Web’ thing” initiative involving the MPs most in tune with the culture and technologies of the Internet, such as Andy Burnham, with lots of help from his friends from the record companies. Labour supporters will be able to help vote on British Board for Web Classification ratings. “We should get through all two hundred million websites in no time.”
An Obama-style “virtual phone bank” for Labour campaigners in the run-up to this year’s council elections. The site will include coaching lessons in sounding like a robocall recording.
Breaking into “social networking,” on trendy and popular sites such as Friendster.
Expanding the use of “virals” and web humour. “We’re feeding pictures of Dave Cameron to 4chan, and we’re pretty sure we’re close to having one get popular instead of being followed up with a string of cartoons of Japanese schoolgirls with inflated breasts. Those nice fellows from b3ta also offered to help, and we can’t wait to see what they can do for us.”
Teaching Gordon Brown to use emoticons. “We’ve nearly managed to get him past putting frowny faces on everything.”

“The project will only work if we can end top-down politics,” said Lord Mandelson. “I am, of course, the first person anyone would think of for such a task.”

Technology, United Kingdom, United States

Google are evil bastards who will kill us all

January 11, 2009 David Gerard 3 Comments

YOUR LAPTOP, Your Bed, When You Think No-One’s Looking (NNGadget) — A new study shows that using Google will destroy the planet. A typical Google search on a completely random topic such as “charlot chirch sex tape” produces enough carbon for 98 pencils or seventeen boiled kettles and brutally murders an average of two point four cute fluffy things.

“A Google search has a definite environmental impact,” said Alex Wissner-Gross of Harvard University. “Instead, you should use Windows Live Search — to be renamed Windows Love Search — which produces butterflies and baby seals. That’s instead of whatever you were looking for, but hey — it’s for the planet.”

Google is “secretive” about its energy consumption and carbon footprint. “Or at least, they told us to fuck off when we asked how many endangered species they’d killed off today. This proves their inherent malice. If you search using Google you may as well be strangling kittens. You should go to a trustworthy company of demonstrated moral fibre, like Microsoft.”

A recent Gartner report said the global IT industry generates as much greenhouse gas as the airlines industry. “Primary in this is the large quantities of hot air produced by completely independent analysts to support the views of the highest bidder.”

The Home Office welcomed the findings. “This proves that Internet users might as well be terrorists,” said Jacqui Smith, “and so we’ll treat them like they are. All Internet access in the UK will be run through Cleanfeed filters and your electronic ration book ticked off per web page used. Reading Wikipedia or the Guido Fawkes blog will, of course, be declared capital offences.”

Microsoft has demonstrated its environmental credentials by recycling Vista, its huge and lumbering Hummer of an operating system, as Windows 7. “All new and yet … old,” said marketing marketer Steve Ballmer. “Save the planet with Windows 7! Requires 4 core processor 2 gigabytes memory 500 gigabyte hard disk and basement nuclear power plant. Power plant sold separately.”

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Politics, United Kingdom

Young Tory expelled for dressing up as Tory

January 10, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

THE CHAPS, Hooray Club, Friday (NNN) — A member of the Young Conservatives has been expelled after going to a “bad taste” party dressed as a Young Conservative.

Young Conservative Matthew Lewis not only dressed up as a Tory, but bragged about it on his Arsebook page, saying he only needed “stockings and suspenders, a bin bag on my head and a tangerine in my mouth” to complete his outfit.

“There was a brief moment when I thought I might have gone too far with the costume, but it was OK — someone else went as Maggie Thatcher.”

Tory leader David Cameron had only a week before laid down new rules to avoid embarrassing gaffes by party activists.

“I fully understand the pain my actions have brought,” said Mr Lewis. “Dave says we have to act like fluffy greenie Lib Dems or something in public, at least where people can see us.”

“This offensive behaviour is not only shocking but intolerable and completely unacceptable,” said party chair Caroline Spelman. “There is no place for this sort of person in the party. He should look to his betters as an example, such as Prince Har— … I’ll start again, shall I.”

“The public will think long and hard before trusting anyone who acts like a Tory with their votes,” said ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair, to sniggers.

Health, Science, United Kingdom

Baby born without “journalism” gene

January 9, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Friday (NotScientist) — The first British baby designed to be free of the “journalism” gene has been born.

The breakthrough gives hope to other parents afflicted by the condition, often running in families. “It will be mere seconds before blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryan clones genetically engineered with hyperintelligence are frog-marching into the White House, the Kremlin and the United Nations to take over the world and condemn the rest of us inferiors to perpetual slavery,” said one rejected embryo before the autoclave kicked in.

Pro-life campaigners claim it is morally wrong to weed out imperfect babies. “Today it’s journalism, tomorrow it’s cancer, next year it’ll be Young Conservativism,” said Ann Widdecombe. “They’re already screening for all manner of cosmetic reasons in parts of Europe that I can’t specifically name right now. This is a tool to search and kill! We must shun and despise the children resulting from this genetic Frankensteinism.

“Instead, we should deliberately bring children into the world to suffer and then cut their disability benefits. To prove the strength of our feeling on this matter, we’re implanting unwanted eggs carrying breast cancer genes into ourselves personally, so the children can grow up living in fear their whole short lives of their own breasts killing them. It’s right and natural. We’re also looking to reintroduce bubonic plague and smallpox, on conservation grounds.”

“I don’t think you can equate eight cells in a dish to a human being,” said the parents’ doctor, “although it could probably edit the Daily Mail.”

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Technology, United Kingdom

Thieves of liberty to take away your freedoms and lightbulbs

January 7, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy has erupted over incandescent light bulbs being phased out in Britain to be replaced with horrible expensive yellow things that look like robot marital aids.

The switch to compact fluorescent lamps is expected to save households two-thirds of their monthly income, singlehandedly save Britain from climate change and bring about world peace, harmony and a top 10 chart not filled with rubbish.

However, many people find the low-energy bulbs ugly, slow to warm up and much more expensive, and the harsher light they give off akin to that of a police cell or McDonald’s. Their rapid flicker contains coded messages designed to hypnotise independent-minded Britons and turn them into gibberish-spouting Eurocrat cultists. The bulbs are made entirely of mercury, polonium and ebola. Scientists have proven that Hitler used low-energy bulbs for illumination when writing Mein Kampf, and paedophiles prefer internet images of dear innocent children taken under their unforgiving glare.

The Daily Mail has come out strongly against the compact fluorescents. “British cowed by tin pot marxists maddest flights from reality political class bizarre gesture Bliar take away liberty march on Westminster revolt against Europe IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH WHY DON’T YOU LIVE THERE.” To this end, the paper is giving away five thousand incandescent bulbs free when you spend a pound calling an 0900 number.

“We can’t be having this com-pack fluoro Euro rubbish,” said Brenda Busybody, 77 (IQ) of East Cheam. “They just don’t have the same warm glow to them. It’s so cold this week! We need more gas lamps and burning torches, they go well with the pitchforks.”

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United Kingdom

There’s probably no bus. Now stop worrying and enjoy your walk.

January 6, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

NO HEAVEN, Cold Harsh Reality, Tuesday (NNN) — The Bus Atheist campaign launched today, with over 800 atheists to carry signs saying “There’s probably no bus” in locations all over the country.

The campaign was started as a “positive” response to the London Transport signs all over the city claiming to be places where buses would appear, some claiming they even did so at predictable intervals.

“This is despite a complete lack of evidence for any such phenomenon,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, “nor any explanation why such a thing would occur. Our rational slogan will hopefully reassure anyone who has been scared by this kind of evangelism. Must dash, I have a Catholic priest out back to bugger with a hot poker.”

The campaign has come in for criticism. “They should give the money to those in need of it,” said the Church, “like us, for instance. Hardly any cash over here. The Monarchy could do with some too. Dig deep!”

The £135,000 raised for the campaign will be directed to the needy and deprived: West End adland execs feeling the brunt of the recession. “Spare a fiver for a line? Please give so they may grow.”

“You wait ages for an atheist, then eight hundred come along at once. Boris has made a hash of it yet again,” said Ken Livingstone, though no-one asked.

Technology, United States

Steve Jobs drops keynote due to “hormone imbalance”

January 5, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

MICROSOFT WOTCH, Cupertino, Monday (NNGadget) — Apple chief executive Steve Jobs, 53, announced Monday he was being treated for a “hormone imbalance” but would remain head of the company.

“I find myself unable to give the Macworld keynote tomorrow,” said Jobs, “but my truly spectacular rack will be well worth the hormonal rages. It’s like six months of PMS, though my engineers will tell you there’s hardly a difference.”

The keynote, to be presented by Pamela Anderson and Jenna Jameson, is rumored to introduce the new iKini and iFront lingerie range, in signature translucent white, with eight gigabytes of music storage and 3G phone connectivity. “Left one for signal strength, right one for network.”

Jobs noted that his decision not to give the Macworld keynote had set off a “flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.” To restore investor confidence, he has been fitted with a full set of cybernetic implants providing full live data on his bodily functions, broadcast in sideband data on the Disney Channel and downloadable daily on iTunes.

Bill Gates pooh-poohed the iFront range, offering his new Zunewear “Carrot” Macho Dude-Pants, which would make you look better “every day of the year” (except December 31st) and “show off your Ballmers like never before. DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! I’M A PEE-CEEEE!”

Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Samuel L. Jackson to front Virgin Media’s 50Mb campaign

January 4, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

TELEWEST, Los Angeles, Friday (NNN) — Virgin Media (“Let me tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is about. It’s all about a girl who digs a guy with a big Dick. The entire song. It’s a metaphor for big Dicks.”) has hired Jules Winnfield of the Marcellus Wallace Organization to promote its super-fast 50Mb broadband service.

In the advertisement, Jules Winnfield and Sir Richard Branson go to Virgin Media customer service to recover a briefcase belonging to their boss. After screaming “Technical, melonfarmer! Do you speak it?” they kill every internet site accessible from the service except Wikipedia. While driving the download back to Mr Wallace, they accidentally shoot Wikipedia in the face. Now they’re picking bits of their servers out of the upholstery. “When you came pulling in here,” says Quentin Tarantino, “did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead NTL Storage?”

The ad ends with a stirring speech from Winnfield:

The path of the righteous browser is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is the IWF who in the name of the RIAA and goodwill shepherds the marks through the valley of darkness, for they are truly their brother’s keepers and the finders of lost downloads. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I pop a download cap in their—

At this point the screen goes blue and the set-top box locks up.

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Entertainment, Europe

Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry: ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them

January 3, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

THE ONLY PLACE TO BE, The Happening Place, Saturday (NNN) — Karl Lagerfeld, CEO of Chanel, said it was “childish” to even discuss the issue of wearing fur in a world where eating meat was normal. “Hunters kill those beasts who would kill us if they could. Mink are the least of it. Badgers, mushrooms, snakes … their malice is famed.”

He admitted to being queasy about eating meat. “But I do it because of how much I hate cows. That innocent-looking Satanic beast, sitting there, chewing its cud, just waiting for its moment. I hated that Yves St Laurent fucker, but not so much I’d kill him, eat his flesh and wear his skin on my back as a trophy. Probably.”

PETA pointed out that “the vast majority of fur these days comes not from hunters as he suggests, but from Chinese fur farms.” Lagerfeld suggested similar farms to produce size zero models. “The size zero issue is insignificant compared to the zillions of fat people. We provide much-needed balance and a good example to provide ambition for young people. In a time of recession, dreams are important. And size zero is so much more attainable now.”

Models saw a chance at publicity by disagreeing with Lagerfeld’s comments, with the new I’d Rather Get In The Papers For Having My Tits And Arse On Show Than Wear Fur, Until Next Season Anyway campaign.

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder