New psychotherapy to treat Strictly Come Dancing

RADIOPHONEY WORKSOP, Television Outskirts, Monday (N! News) — A new form of psychotherapy could be used to treat the majority of adults with Strictly Come Dancing disorders.

And the crowd is on the pitchBased on a form of Skinner-box aversion therapy involving electrodes and sofas, it has the potential to treat more than 80% of cases of eating disorders in adults and help them keep their dinners down on Saturday nights. Around two-thirds of those who completed treatment made a “complete and lasting” response, with many of the remaining third showing substantial improvement in their television taste.

Michael Lyons, head of the BBC Trust, promised to review its Strictly Come Dancing scoring system after receiving nearly 200 complaints from viewers who had paid good money to watch at least one of the couples being taken out and publicly hung, drawn and quartered. “The producers are going to look at ways in which they can avoid this situation in the future — how to keep complaints down while continuing to extract 1-900 number fees. Perhaps two hundred and forty volts to the arse could do the job there too. But we don’t want to imply in any way whatsoever that we don’t simply love getting idiot complaints from whinging fools. It’s the centre of our existence. Letters, emails, faxes, why don’t you buy skywriting as well. ‘STRKLY FONE RIPOFF YAR BOO SUXXX,’ that’s the ticket. I’ll just be over here in my bath, slashing my wrists.”

Arlene Phillips dismissed allegations of a judges’ conspiracy — “Personally, I’d have had Tom Chambers castrated” — adding that the viewers were a pack of whiny fuckwits who should just “fuck off” and stop spoiling her lovely show. “They’d vote for Ian fucking Curtis if they could.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

George Lucas to unveil lolcat Star Wars

O2 ARENA CARPARK, Millennium Doom, Sunday (N! News) — Star Wars fans are to feel the force of the seminal sci-fi films and their iconic soundtracks on stage, screen, television, Game Boy, comic book and Internet in major new releases, which will launch next year.

A kitten in the Clone WarsIn Star Wars: Journey To The Bottom Of The Barrel, the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra will play a live score as recreations of scenes from the six films with amusingly-captioned kittens are shown on a cinema screen.

It will not be a traditional musical with actors playing characters from the films, but will feature live narrators, speaking authentic lolcat dialect, as painstakingly reconstructed by linguists.

As well as the destruction of the Death Star (an exploding Wikipedia puzzle globe) and various love scenes between Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala (rendered with the relevant LEGO® figures), there will be several of the epic battle scenes for which Star Wars is famous, featuring Airfix model spacecraft taking on miniature cardboard battleships, as held in the jaws of cute kittens.

“Star Wars holds memories for practically everyone,” said George Lucas. “I can’t think of anyone who won’t be simply thrilled to have those memories lovingly caressed by these reconstructions. They’ll be particularly pleased to know that JarJar Binks is back, warning Han that Greedo is about to shoot first.”

Celebrity diets can cause memory loss

GOLDACRE, Slimmer’s World, Saturday (NotScientist) — Atkins-style low-carbohydrate diets can cause memory problems after only one week, researchers have found.

Amy Winehouse in the peak of mental health and alertness“That’s ridiculous,” said Cheryl Cole, a devotee of the diet. “That’d make yer stupid, ennit.”

Weight loss is a perennial issue in a society of abundance. One in four children are overweight when they start primary school and one in three are too fat by the time they leave. But fad diets, popularised by celebrities, where the subject does a single thing in the hope of effects without significant effort, rather than general reduction of energy intake and increase of energy use, are potentially dangerous.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Cheryl Cole. “That’d make yer stupid, ennit.”

Amy Winehouse’s shrunken breastsAmy Winehouse is writing up her own celebrity diet tips book, helped by her imprisoned husband Blake Fielder-Civil. “Going out for munchies at 3am is vital, and you gotta have vodka, not beer or wine. Also cigs, they make you thin and sexy, like me. My brain’s in PERFECT ORDER and tell those fucking pixies and giant lobsters behind you I said so. Fuckers.” Ms Winehouse also announced her own designer celebrity perfume, available in powdered form.

Gillian McKeith has offered a new crystal-based dieting method that involves chakra harmony, cosmic reflexology and coordinating one’s qi field to wipe out one’s IQ field. “This method helps strip off the pounds in no time,” said Dr Ms McKeith, “and send them to my bank account, where they belong.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Cheryl Cole. “That’d make yer stupid, ennit.”

Open verdict at Woolworths inquest

MENEZES, London EC1, Friday (NNN) — The jury has returned an open verdict at the inquest into the death of Woolworths, which people mistook for a viable company. It rejected the administrator Deloitte’s account that Woolworths was killed lawfully by two auditors who shot it seven times in the High Street.

Deloitte accountant zombie eats your braaainsNeville Kahn, a partner at Deloitte, said they had only been seeking to get the best value out of the stock and assets, and certainly hadn’t just been looking for a whacking bonus on selling the patient’s organs off, no no, with deep discounts on the last of the insufficiently cheap though quite nasty plastic crap, Irish pork, Haringey social workers, lesser Geldof daughters, copies of Virgin Killer and behind-the-counter cigarettes. And bloody pick and bloody mix.


Did receivers shout ‘armed accountants’? NO
Did difficulty in identifying the point of the company under surveillance lead to its death? NO
The pressure on auditors after the financial suicide attacks of late 2008? CANNOT DECIDE

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Commons the death had been a “most terrible mistake, which we deeply regret … Oh, we’re not talking about banks or financial services? Right-o, carry on then, blow the buggers’ brains out. I’m busy saving the world over here.”

The bullet-riddled corpse of the company will be sold off for parts. The stores have attracted the interest of Asda, Morrisons, Lidl, Poundland and Dixy Authhentiic Fired Cihcken. The name will, with economic deflation, become Wlths.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

UK cybercops demand magical digital snake-oil machines

WOT’S ALL THIS THEN, ’Ello ’Ello ’, Thursday (NNGadget) — UK police are asking for a “breathalyser”-style tool for computers that could instantly flag up illegal activity on any PC it is attached to.

Absolutely scientifically reliable lie detector apparatusDetective Superintendent Charlie McMurdie, who is what passes for a computer expert in the police force, said such a tool could run on suspects’ machines, instantly read and analyse their email, web browsing and chat logs, identify credit card fraud or selling stolen goods online, reliably detect and assess images containing children on the five-level child porn scale and create a handy log of relevant evidence. And a pony.

“It’s surely just a simple matter of programming,” said McMurdie. “We’re seizing so many computers from people with a copy of Virgin Killer that frontline police need a digital forensic tool as easy to use as the breathalyser, to magically flash up ‘HONEST UPSTANDING CITIZEN’ or ‘’E’S A NONCE, GUV’. Do we need to seize five computers, all their mobile phones, their CD and DVD collection and basically everything that runs on electricity, or could we use a magical police gadget with impressive flashy lights and stuff? I thought computers were supposed to make life easier!”

The eventual development of such a tool could help ease a backlog of digital forensic work that has officers waiting up to a year for evidence to be recovered from seized machines, though threatening to destroy people’s livelihoods has proven very efficient in extracting confessions.

EDS Capita Goatse have promised they can “absolutely, definitely, certainly, probably” produce such a tool with only an ironclad £100m five year contract, and also reliably determine whether a computer program halts or not. The Internet Watch Foundation also demanded to be involved, and were told their details would be kept on file.

“It was so much simpler in the old days,” sighed McMurdie. “People asking you what time it was, burglars with domino masks and striped jumpers and bags marked ‘SWAG,’ chirpy Cockney sparrow second-hand car dealers wiv a heart of gold … you just can’t get the wood, you know.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Sky defends assisted suicide television show

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Wednesday (NNN) — The makers of a documentary on assisted suicide have defended their decision to film a reality TV show revolving around the concept.

jadegoody5.jpgIn I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here Permanently, Z-list celebrities are locked inside a house festooned with knives, guns, poison, copies of Virgin Killer and each other. “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley is played twenty-four hours a day at 100 decibels. As housemates are slowly and exquisitely killed off by public vote, the contestant list gets down to two deserving finalists who, in a surprise upset, are both fed into a woodchipper feet first in a cheering finale for all the family.

“As a broadcaster,” said Barbara Gibbon of Sky Real Lives, “we believe that there is a role for television to inform public debate about even the most challenging subjects. We particularly enjoyed challenging Nicola McLean to count to ten without using her fingers, before suffocating her on her own breasts in the Lolo Ferrari Trial.'”

Dr Peter Saunders, director of the campaign group Care Not Killing, earlier accused programme makers of a “cynical attempt to boost television ratings.” He changed his mind when he heard the contestant list. “On reviewing the matter, we realised that seeing David van Day forced to actually eat his own arsehole live on television would create an increase in happiness and good cheer that would save at least five hundred suicides of worthwhile humans and was therefore a moral imperative. I’m leaving Virgin and going to Sky tomorrow.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Commons he was personally opposed to assisted suicide, but urged George Galloway to add this show to his television CV.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Internet Watch Foundation “Crapland” closes down

WIKIALITY, Little Boring, Tuesday (NNN) — The Internet Watch Foundation’s “Crapland” child-friendly Internet theme park has gone bust after only three days.

An information board at the entrance depicts the classical painting Smell The Glove by Scorpionaggio (courtesy National Portrait Gallery) and welcomes the visitor on a “flight of the imagination, travelling down the magical pathways that teenagers have used to get their porn for centuries,” and which have been specially opened up for the lucky children invited to come. “Just like Michael Jackson’s Neverland.”

Scorpions “Virgin Killer” in LegoAdvertisements promised a “Clean Kiddie-Friendly World … Hollywood Special FXs, Blind Faith plane ride, Nevermind swimming baths, Houses of the Holy rock climbing … & much more!”

The reality when it opened on Saturday evening was somewhat less impressive. Spurious 404s, lying customer service staff (“for the authentic Internet experience!”), HTML 2.0 and web searches through AltaVista. “It looked like a website from 1995 or a paper chart of what it should look like,” said customer Jimmy Wales. “It was like they’d stacked dial-up modems on both sides of a path together, stuck some printouts on a TV and stuck a keyboard in front. We were waiting two hours and they charged us £10 for a photo with Mary Whitehouse.”

Two curtain-twitchers and a Whitehouse were attacked by irate Internet users. A posting on 4chan showed a busybody having a fag behind the grotto.

Then, on Tuesday evening, Crapland closed. A statement by the management said this was due to “intentional organised crowd manipulation and event sabotage and unscrupulous and inaccurate negative bias media that quoted our words accurately in full.” A woman dressed as a particularly hefty Pepperpot stood outside shrieking: “The IWF’s dead. Go home.”

Cable internet users who unwittingly signed up for the Crapland experience are giving up and getting DSL broadband instead. “It’s been a complete Virgin killer.”

Microsoft to launch Zune clothing range

PARIS, Redmond, Monday (NNN) — In an effort to break out of the stifling monopoly of being a rather tedious office supplies company and get “hep” with the “kids,” Microsoft has branched out into clothing.

Steve BallmerThe Zunewear® catalog will feature a fabulous array of brown polyester, purchasable for only $29 in the Home Basic edition and guaranteed not to unravel as long as your annual subscription is up to date. Other garments include a brown button-up leather jacket with a Microsoft logo on the back and a three-piece bri-nylon suit with a Bill Gates “mugshot” tie.

“This line taps the nostalgia of when the PC began to affect Bill’s bank account,” said marketing marketer’s marketer Steve Ballmer. “Who wouldn’t show up to work advertising their love of Office 97, of Windows ME, of Microsoft Bob? The Vista® shoes with ten-pound weights on each ankle that need to be flexed to fit. Be a winner! Get with the popular crowd! I’M A PC!”

Apple has responded with a line of hundreds of identical black polonecks, while Google offers a multicoloured garment free!!! that melds itself into your skin and body and enhances your life in all sorts of ways while transmitting detailed information on your cellular structure back to Google’s marketing department.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

UK citizens protected from Wikifilth by IWF

WIKIFIDDLE, Brass Eye, Sunday (NNN) — The Internet Watch Foundation, protectors of the British citizenry against uncceptable material on teh intarweb, have declared Wikipedia illegal in the UK.

Several police forces had advised the IWF concerning the site, swearing their actions had nothing to do with anything in the site about senior policemen or their behaviour.

“Virgin Killer” by Gordon Brown“The fourth most popular website in the world is an encyclopedia,” said IWF Oberstürmgrüppenwhitehouse Myra Hindley. “What sort of message does that send about the youth of today? They should be using mobile phones, dealing drugs, smoking cracks to ‘jazz’ music in discos and knifing each other in the streets. God help us if they see record covers!”

Police across the country used sophisticated hammer-detecting equipment to swoop on the homes of rumoured Wikipedophiles. All computers, mobile phones, televisions and any technology more sophisticated than scissors will be confiscated for investigation, and will be returned in due process in twelve to eighteen months when the filthy fucking nonces have been brought to trial, assuming they survive multiple beatings in jail.

“Fuck these filthy fucking fuckers,” said Zoe fucking Hilton of the NSPCC. “And give us money, or you’re a filthy fucking kiddie fucker yourself. Turd.”

“We absolutely won’t be adapting the system to discussion of ID cards,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “Nor will MPs raising the issue have their offices or homes raided. Probably.”

Virgin Media users had failed to notice any difference, assuming the connection problems were service as normal, and went back to watching the football except for the last ten minutes of the game.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Haringey social workers to be able to search MPs’ offices

HARARE, Whitehall, Saturday (NNN) — New laws will allow the Electoral Commission to undertake searches of MPs’ offices without a warrant.

Jo Frost sends Michael Martin to the Naughty StepCommons Speaker Michael Martin had vowed to prevent “unauthorised” raids on MPs’ Westminster offices, but noted this was a very handy get-out for him. “The Tories have been up to some evil, evil stuff with money lately. Labour of course remained uncharged a coupla years ago. But to maintain confidence, we will outsource the job to real experts on sensitive intervention in difficult circumstances: Haringey Council Social Services.”

He said that Sharon Shoesmith had shown her expertise in dealing with power with diplomacy and tact, and had stunned and delighted all in New Labour with her bureaucratic acrobatics mathematically proving step by step that nothing whatsoever done by any individual at Haringey Council was in fact incorrect in the Baby P case, and that the brutal murder of the child in question could, therefore, not possibly have occurred.

The social workers will not, however, be permitted to take samples of the MPs’ DNA. “Though David Blunkett and John Prescott kept offering theirs.”

Jacqui Smith says the new measures will fit in with plans to search the homes of staff working on ID cards to prevent leaks, the plans in question having leaked.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!