I’m A Cabinet Member: this year’s best jungle action

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (N! News) — We’ve seen tears, tantrums and torturous trials, but tonight we see the last episode in this year’s series of I’m A Cabinet Member, Help Me Stay In Here.

Gordon Brown’s massive boobFrom Gordon Brown asking if he could get elected by chomping on crocodile testicles to Jacqui Smith losing everyone’s details in the Creepy Crawly Identity Database — and who could forget all of the disgusting Bushtucker Trials, including Gordon and Alistair Darling munching a cocktail of bankers’ anuses and Ed Balls being shut in a dark cave full of PFI contractors?

David Miliband thinks he lost valuable airtime after Labour delegates banned him from doing anything strenuous. He wrenched his credibility when a strap holding him up broke in the Banana Trial — sending him crashing to the ground. He said camp joker Peter Mandelson had got on his nerves. “When he came in I thought, ‘is he a plant?’ Peter’s entertaining. He’s like a pantomime villain. I think he’s a nice guy underneath it all. The doctors say the crushed vertebrae should heal within a year or two.”

Lord Mandelson became a viewers’ favourite with his antics during the Bushtucker Trials — dropping recalcitrant minor ministers into a pit of bugs and practicing his ballroom dancing on the skulls of anyone who had ever crossed him in any way.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown celebrated the first anniversary of his massive boob. “After my next crisis I’ll make another boob. I love it. I’m obsessed with massive boobs. Mine apparently make quite an impact, though I don’t think they look that big. We’ll see what properly-commanded central planning can squeeze in there. Mmm, boobs.”

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Steven Soderbergh does “Cleopatra The Musical in 3-D”

VARIETY, Lack Of, Tuesday (N! News) — Steven Soderbergh’s new musical version of Cleopatra proves an incredible box-office same-old same-old. Starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the fishnet-clad vaudeville jazz empress and Hugh Jackman as the mutant self-healing Roman general — in 3-D! —the film carries the Ocean’s Eleven franchise somewhere beyond its ultimate extent.

“I’ve always wanted to do a musical,” Soderbergh said. “All the ones that were coming along just weren’t for me. This one, however, involved dumptrucks full of money backed up to my house.”

Cleopatra The Musical - in 3-D!And All That Cleopatra — In 3-D! opens with Pompey (Richard Gere) coming to Egypt to recruit Cleopatra to the cause (“Mister Cellophane”). Antony leaves Cleopatra to go back to Rome and not shag Octavia (Anna Paquin) (“Funny Honey”). Cleopatra, furious at the news, kills Richard Gere — in 3-D! — because, frankly, he deserves it (“All I Care About”). Meanwhile, Antony, having first conspired with Octavius (Magneto), falls out with him and uses Cerebro to take control of the western third of the Roman Empire with Cleopatra — in 3-D! (“Cell Block Tango”)

Antony. “But Octavius knows about Cerebro?!”
Caesar. “Of course, Antony. I helped him build it.”

In a 3-D musical tour-de-force, Caesar (Patrick Stewart) dies at the Senate at the hands of Brutus (Popeye) (“We Both Reached For The Gun”), Cleopatra fakes her death to get Antony to like her (“Razzle Dazzle”), Antony fakes faking his death to get over Cleopatra and dies in her arms (“I Can’t Do It Alone” — with zither solo on Jackman’s adamantium claws) and Cleopatra dies of an aspidistra (“I Move On”). All die. Oh! the embarrassment.

This ending having been rejected by test audiences, a finale is tacked on with one thousand Agent Smiths engaging in CGI sword-fu — in 3-D! — while Brad Pitt gets out of the casino with his haul intact. Since this makes no sense even to the drooling lackwits they manage to find for test audiences, Cleopatra starts a new 3-D vaudeville jazz act with Octavia which is vastly successful (“And All That Jazz”). A happy ending!

Soderbergh pooh-poohed suggestions that the film would be some sort of low-rent exploitation quickie that would insult the intelligence of any creature smarter than a flatworm. “I can assure you this will be the most artistically satisfying creation in my entire career as a director,” he said, lighting a cigar off a hundred-dollar bill before laying back on a great big bed made of money.

“DUMPTRUCKS!” Soderbergh emphasised. “FULL OF MONEY! BACKED UP TO MY HOUSE!”

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New plans for unemployed and immigrants in Queen’s Speech

BUCKLEY’S PALACE, Victorian, Wednesday (NNN) — The Queen’s Speech today announced new government plans to help get the country back on its feet and beat the Great Slight Economic Downturn by beating the people at the sharp end of it.

Johnny Mnemonic signs onJobcentres will employ lie detectors to train the unemployed to beat polygraph testing and maintain the convincing demeanor and operant-conditioning-induced emotionless psychopathy so helpful in job interviews, the modern workplace and the Church of Scientology. Staff will also be trained on the polygraphs so as to improve their skills at telling benefit recipients that no-one is available to handle their case right now, that they should wait at the upstairs desk or that they should call a never-answered 0870 number or lose their benefits. So as to eliminate child poverty, single mothers will be expected to be ready for work within 48 hours of giving birth, though this will be extended to 96 hours on medical advice from a Jobcentre doctor.

Tenured parasite upon public funds and author of the recommendations Professor Paul Gregg of Bristol University admitted the idea was to punish people by creating a “hassle” in their lives. Unions, welfare groups and millions of unemployed people kindly offered to return the favour.

Immigrants who make no effort to integrate will have to wait longer to become UK citizens. “Integration” will be measured by government testing of Coronation Street and Eastenders knowledge, prodigiousness of lager drinking, whether they have put sufficient personal initiative into breaking out of the brothel they are being held prisoner in, measurement of headscarf or beard length by official inspectors and whether the subject has a known propensity for being brown in public.

Bankers will be required at all times to wear a high-visibility orange vest with “Community Debtor” on the back, so that decent working people and their families are aware of the banking person’s presence and know not to acknowledge them unless they are actively lending money to them.

“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,” the Queen finished her speech, “I … oh, sod this. I’m not mouthing this demeaning bollocks another year. You can become a bloody republic. I’m off to Australia, they respect their monarchs there.”

“Community Payback” vests revitalise low-end clothing market

CHAVINGTON STREET MARKETS, Povscum, Tuesday (NNN) — The Home Office’s “Stain Of Moral Inadequacy, Social Approbation And Endeavouring To In Some Small Way Redeem One’s Lowly And Unworthy Self In The Eyes Of The Community” scheme vests were officially launched yesterday in Slough.

George W. Bush community paybackThe words emblazoned on the vests — shortened to “Community Payback” in practice, as the full phrase was too long to fit on vests smaller than XXXL — are now mandated for convicted criminals on community service orders, to alert morally-upstanding citizenry that offenders cleaning graffiti or laying pavements are being punished rather than paid and that they are in a Sanctioned Tutting Zone.

The vests are achieving great popularity and underclass social cachet, with unofficial knockoffs proving vastly popular in street markets in more value-conscious districts. They join such fashionable items as reproduction electronic leg tags and ASBO certificates, many carrying such famous names as Goochi, Louie Vitton and Dolchi ett Gabbarner — all completely genuine, my very dear friend, I absolutely would not lie to you under any circumstances.

The Beardie Bleeding Hearts’ Union pointed out that the vests had already led to several gangland shootings, but the press waved this away as providing them with more journalistic titillation for their suburban readers to be appalled at the behaviour of those nasty common poor persons handily killing each other off.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said the scheme was already a success, as measured by the many column inches in the press today. “The important thing is to be seen to be doing something.” Next month’s initiative will involve floating neon signs attached to balloons with arrows pointing down at the offender, and the following month’s will introduce vests for opposition MPs arrested under the Official Secrets Act. The Home Office is also looking into licensing rotten tomato and cabbage stalls in tutting zones.

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Barrowman exposes himself on radio

TORCHWOOD THREE, Cardiff, Monday (NNN) — Actor John Barrowman has apologised for exposing himself on live radio on Sunday evening. Two complaints were received about the incident, from listeners J. Ross and R. Brand. “We are appalled and outraged,” they said. “We told the Daily Mail and they thought it was funny.”

John Barrowman saluteBarrowman apologised for any offence caused. “I was joining in the light-hearted and fun banter of the show and went too far. I was wrong to do this and it will never happen again. Next time I’ll just say I am and not actually do so. This will make all the difference to our lovely Daily Mail-reading listeners, every one of whom I would have a romantic interlude with. Except I’m gay and married.”

Georgina Baillie was shocked. “I’m shocked, I am. Sure he doesn’t go for girls just a bit? Maybe after a few drinks when his friends aren’t there to see?”

A BBC spokeswoman said: “We do feel that the programme overstepped the mark. We are determined that lessons will be learned from this incident. All BBC radio shows going forward will contain only simulated willy exposures, with the willy exposure substituted with a Radiophonic Workshop sound effect. Probably some sort of ‘Ba-DOING!’ sound, a processed version of the sound of a wooden ruler vibrating on a desk. Everyone loves that one. In addition, we will talk about Y-fronts and boxer shorts rather than willies and balls.”