‘United States’ Archives
“Birthers” probe Obama’s alleged robotic ancestry
WITWICKY, Arctic Circle, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy continues over US President Barack Obama's place of birth and Constitutional eligibility to be president, with even senior Republicans wondering if Obama is really an American citizen, or a Decepticon spy. "The birth certificate was falsely attested by Mr Obama's mother and grandmother so [...]
AT&T apologises for unblocking 4chan
DOWN HERE AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING, Desu Desu Desu, Monday (NNGadget) — AT&T, the largest phone company in the US and a major Internet provider, has issued an apology for having to unblock 4chan after accidentally blocking it Sunday night. AT&T said that its customers were affected by a DoS (denial of stomach) attack appearing to [...]
Michael Jackson “news value missing” at autopsy
CHILLER, Off The Perch Saturday (N! News) — Michael Jackson's news value was missing at his autopsy, it was claimed last night. The front pages of all newspapers today showed a hole where an actual news story should have been. A witness claimed to have seen Jackson's news story on an editor's desk, saying: "The prosthesis the journalists [...]
Press reports dazzling quarter for Microsoft
WINDOWSGRAD, Seattle Oblast, Thursday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has reported spectacular results for the April to June quarter, say completely independent tech journalists. "With profits allegedly down by a third," said Rob Enderle, "Microsoft is absolutely poised to make a brilliant recovery next quarter. Windows 7, man!" Revenue came in at [...]
Microsoft announces handheld XBox
TURN 360 DEGREES, And Moonwalk Away, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has announced its long-rumoured handheld XBox gaming console, to compete with the Sony PSP and Nintendo DS. "The GameBoy will be wiped out by this!" said marketing marketer Shane Kim. The console, to be named the ZuneX ("we wanted a really evocative brand that would set the [...]
Emma Watson in black leather “most important news in world”
LECHER SQUARE, City of Sodomy, Thursday (N! News) — Emma Watson sadly avoided another wardrobe malfunction at the New York premiere of the latest Harry Potter movie, swapping her floaty evening gown for black leather. She caused head explosions in approximately a zillion smelly nerds when they heard she was wearing a black leather [...]
World’s #4 website features “cunt” on front page
FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world's fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article "Gropecunt Lane," a mediæval English name for a town's prostitution district, on its front page today. "The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia," said Mark Pellegrini, the [...]
Palin: I can replace Jackson in your hearts
STAPLES CENTER, Wasilla, Tuesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin has revealed what compelled her to quit as governor of Alaska at no notice: the media weirdness deficit with Michael Jackson gone. "When the going gets tough," said Mrs Palin in an impromptu speech this afternoon, "the winners get quitting! Life is about choices! It's time to bring [...]
Sarah Palin gives maverickilicious resignation speech
WASILLA HIGH SCHOOL, Alaiskah, Friday (NNN) — Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has suddenly resigned, citing attacks from the press making it impossible to do her job. "Let me explain it with basketball. It's the national full-court press picking away right now. A good point guard drives through a full court press like a mav'rick, protecting [...]
Microsoft extends XP downgrade option to 2101
REAL VIRTUALITY, Seattle, Thursday 2099 (NNN) — Microsoft Corporation has announced a limited one-off extension of availability of its Windows XP operating system to April 2101 after criticism from large customers and analysts. This is the fifty-sixth extension of XP's availability since 2008. Through successive releases of Microsoft's [...]
