Category Archives: United States

Microsoft phases out support for Netscape 4, so there

NO MICROSOFT WAY, Infinite Loop, Friday (NTN) — Microsoft is phasing out support for Netscape 4, in retaliation for Google declaring Internet Explorer 6 a “pustulent syphilitic drunken crack whore with no mates. And bad breath. Who smells funny.”

Google has given up bothering to support IE6 on its sites, directing the doubtless hideously virus-infected users of the browser to download another browser. Any other browser. “Lynx will give you a vastly superior YouTube experience. Now it will, anyway.”

“The Mozilla Foundation has completely failed to fix problems in Netscape 4 that have been around for years,” said Microsoft marketing marketer Jonathan Ness. “Furthermore, Firefox gets just as many hacks as Internet Explorer, and pay no attention to my lengthening nose.”

In December, Chinese hackers exploited a weak spot in IE6 that Microsoft had only known about since September. Following this, governments worldwide told people to get the hell off IE6, except Britain, which relies on IE6 to leak data when there are insufficient funds for USB sticks or train journeys for civil servants.

Web designers around the world welcomed Google’s move, but have not given up their Bill Gates dartboards just yet. “‘That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die.’ Steve Ballmer said that, you know.”

Apple launches iPad for that time of iMonth

ST STEVE’S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a “revolutionary” advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design.

The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books and go horseback riding, swimming, cycling, mountain-climbing and roller-skating. It also comes with iWork, which lets you do interesting and productive things at the office in between screaming at everyone for being such annoying and thoughtless idiots.

Apple has also launched an app store for the iPad which will allow users to purchase chocolate, whisky and heavy objects for when some fucker crosses you, dares look at you funny or is the sort of clueless arsehole who thinks the explanation of how pissed off you are at his behaviour is always PMT. Look, even if it might be, that’s not the point.

For those who find pads too bulky, a special fluffy version of the iPod Shuffle is available, on a string.

Microsoft, who have attempted to sell increasingly bulky folded bath towels for the past decade, were not available for comment. Linux users and the Free Software Foundation started petitions advocating mooncups, but no-one paid them any attention.

“In conclusion,” said Mr Jobs, “please, please don’t kill me, darling. I love you more than anyone, honestly. Uhm … flowers?”

Clinton: Internet freedom “vital” except for music downloaders

Remarks by US Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton on the occasion of the massive hacker attack on US companies by an unspecified national entity.

On Monday, a seven-year-old girl in Port-au-Prince was pulled from the rubble after they sent a text message calling for help. The spread of information networks is forming a new nervous system for our planet. And even in authoritarian countries, information networks are helping people discover new facts and making governments more accountable.

Amid this unprecedented surge in connectivity, we must also recognize that these technologies are not an unmitigated blessing. These tools are also being exploited to undermine human progress and political rights. Just as steel can be used to build hospitals or machine guns, or nuclear power can energize a city or destroy it, the same networks that help organize movements for freedom also enable al-Qaida to ruthlessly copy American songs and movies in “M-P-Three” format.

Freedom of expression is no longer defined solely by whether citizens can go into the town square and criticize their government without fear of retribution. No — they must be able to give their full name and credit card number and put them on the Internet as well. A connection to global information networks is like an on-ramp to modernity — one cell phone in a remote community can enable people previously unavailable access to Monsanto seeds.

On their own, new technologies do not take sides in the struggle for freedom and progress — but the United States does. We stand for a single internet where all of humanity has equal access to knowledge and ideas, paid for at 99 cents — I’m sorry, $1.29 — a song. And we recognize that the world’s information infrastructure will become what we and others make of it.

Now, all societies recognize that free expression has its limits. We do not tolerate those who incite others to violence or copyright violation, such as the agents of al-Qaida who are, at this moment, downloading songs at a furious rate, and setting their sights on cracking the patriotic protection of Blu-Ray discs. Those who use the internet to recruit terrorists or distribute stolen intellectual property cannot divorce their online actions from their real world identities.

States, terrorists, downloaders and those who would act as their proxies must know that the United States will protect our networks. Those who disrupt the free flow of paid information in our society or any other pose a threat to our economy, our government, our civil society and our economy.

Increasingly, U.S. companies are making the issue of internet and information freedom a greater consideration in their business decisions. The most recent situation involving Google has attracted a great deal of interest. And we look to the Chinese authorities to conduct a thorough review of the cyber intrusions that led Google to make its announcement. And we also look for that investigation and its results to be China signing the ACTA treaty like our campaign donors want them to.

The internet has already been a source of tremendous progress in China, and it is fabulous. There are so many people in China now online. But countries that restrict free access to information or violate the basic rights of Internet users to be protected from being able to download any song ever released, any time, anywhere, risk walling themselves off from the progress of the next century.

So let me close by asking you to remember the little girl who was pulled from the rubble on Monday in Port-au-Prince. She’s alive, she was reunited with her family, she will have the chance to grow up and pay the going rate for a licence not a sale see end user license agreement of a song in a given format on a given device. We cannot stand by while people are separated from the iTunes store by walls of censorship.

Microsoft claims nonexistence of Google “GSpot”

ADULT AREAS ONLY, Vegas Baby, Friday (AnythingThatMovesTechnica) — The perfect Google experience is a myth, say Microsoft marketing researchers at the Consumer Electronics Show.

“The GSpot is a figment of technologists’ imaginations,” said marketing researcher Andrew Burri, “encouraged by tech news sites and freetards. Even if it did exist, it would be entirely non-standard and unsuited to the needs of an overwhelming majority of users. The ones who buy from us, anyway.”

But Linux users protested vociferously, saying the research was flawed by deliberately excluding the experience of those who could locate their own methods of personal fulfilment with the fantastic ease of long — perhaps excessive — practice, despite difficulty in finding other people with any interest in locating said areas on them.

Apple declined to comment, but were widely rumoured to be bringing out a forthcoming iSpot, for thirty-minute extended sessions of tantric bliss at twice the price.

Microsoft reemphasised their desire to be a player on all relevant platforms, whether that be consoles, desktops, mobile devices, beds or the back of vans. They will be countering with Microsoft WinCock, a “pounding and fulfilling consumer experience.” The demonstration device randomly failed at the crucial moment, but Mr Burri reassured attendees that he was terribly sorry and this had never happened before.

Terrorist group “Department of Homeland Security” cripples US, again

LITTLE BROTHER, Detroit, Sunday (NTN) — The American-based terrorist group “Department of Homeland Security” (the Arabic term for “Department of Homeland Security”) has successfully hobbled the American economy once more.

DHS stuntman Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab caused a minor conflagration aboard a Detroit-bound plane on Saturday. “It worked spectacularly well,” said his father, Nigerian banker Bnkr. Alhaji Umaru MUTALLAB. “He sent TWENTY-FIVE MILLION (25,000,000.00) Twitter messages about it. ‘Stuck on runway for 1/2hr oh well catch up on da vinci code should hv time 2 finish b4 destroying USA.’ I would have sent the full collection of messages to the authorities, but they were unfortunately unable to forward me a mere three thousand Twitter messages to enable my expenses in doing so.”

This year, as every year, Umar had sent his relatives Christmas cards reading “MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU WESTERNISED PIG-DOGS, SLEEP WELL FOR TOMORROW YOU SHALL BURN IN AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY, ALLAH BE PRAISED”. However, it appeared he had become “radicalised” by a sojourn in London, during which he read a book about George W. Bush, a close personal friend of the bin Laden branch of the Saudi royal family, and was inspired to take the fight to American soil. “Whenever the infidel appears complacent,” he wrote to a friend, “we shall send a DHS operative to do something pathetically stupid and harmless that we may take as an excuse to torture more civilians and make movement within American yet more impracticable. Praise Allah! Praise Jesus!”

The “DHS” has crippled America’s economy since its initial attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001. Air travel has all but ceased in the country and international visits have plummeted. Those few daring to travel find themselves cavity-search, X-rayed and anally probed. Some “DHS” operatives, brazenly working in plain sight, have become celebrities and tourist attractions, such as Big Bertha at Seattle Airport.

Mr Mutallab said the family were relieved Umar had finally made his public debut. “Apart from the obvious gigs selling our story to credulous Western news outlets, we can finally take down that God-awful shrine with the twin towers and the effigies, clean the place up and, who knows, maybe rent out the spare room at last. Are you sure you don’t have three thousand (3,000.00) messages you can spare to facilitate the transmission of another twenty-five million to yourself? Please assist, dear one!”

TSA locks down air transport for your own good

DOCTOROW, Schneier, Sunday (NTN) — After the Detroit Christmas firecracker incident, the Transport Security Administration now requires all US airline passengers to be strapped into their seats naked with catheters fitted, for their comfort and convenience.

Dell laptop battery fire“It’s the most efficient way to keep the country moving and let the TERRORISTS know they haven’t won,” said TSA head Gale Rossides. “We’re just trying to work out what to do when the TERRORISTS work out how to set off bombs by clenching their butt cheeks together.”

Passengers are advised not to bother with laptops (“You could explode the batteries with your urine!”), iPods or the vile containers of sedition such as “books.” “Carriage of any carryon item will result in lengthy security delays for the customer,” said a TSA advisory, “but, in response to customer concerns, the TSA officer with the latex glove will give you a box of chocolates and promises to respect you in the morning, and will definitely call you later in the week. Honestly.”

US tourism offices have finally given up and shut up shop. “I hear Afghanistan is pretty nice this time of year, and easier to get into. Iran’s pretty good too.”

Officials at Amtrak did not give a comment on the phone, just the sound of dancing around their offices singing “We’re In The Money.”

The passenger who allegedly set off the firecracker has mounted a stern defense, showing his paycheck from the Department of Homeland Security’s Subdepartment of Job Preservation.

Historic “change nothing” health care bill passes

WHAT’S ON THE SLAB, Down In The Lab, Thursday (NTN) — The US Senate has approved landmark legislation that will change nothing about healthcare for tens of millions of uninsured Americans and, of course, the insurance companies.

With the Great Recession, millions of Americans out of work means less insured. The bill ensures that insurance companies will continue to enjoy the income flow to which they have become accustomed, by making it compulsory for the poor to pay out of their own pockets.

“This is a victory for the American people,” said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid, who had received $2,259,001 from the insurance companies.

The Republicans remain implacably opposed to the poor not being punished for their offense against God in not having found suitable labor, and to insurance companies having to cover the pre-existing condition of poverty. Senator Olympia Snowe, who had received only $755,640 from the insurance companies, said that she was “disappointed”.

“My colleagues and I will work to stop this Muslim socialist atrocity from becoming law,” warned Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell, who had received $3,187,818 from the insurance companies. “The Obama plan will create government death panels! Not the privatised ones, which are right and proper. American prosperity depends on privatised death panels! And the public-spirited funding of government by insurance companies, of course. What’s good for the actuaries is good for America!”

Microsoft Word recalled due to contamination

CENTER FOR UNEASE CONTROL, Seattle, Wednesday (NTN) — A federal court has banned Microsoft Word from sale as a poisonous substance, suspected of causing millions of brain-deaths around the world.

Microsoft Office has long been considered potentially hazardous to health, despite advertising claiming that “four out of five CEOs prefer Outlook” and most of the billions of dollars sloshing around in major banks’ credit-default swaps before the Great Recession actually having been calculated in macros in Excel.

Workers whose computers are infected with Microsoft Office are advised to press “escape,” step slowly away from the desk, break into a run and gather at the official hazardous substances meeting point, in the pub around the corner from the office.

Symptoms include nausea, irritability and short temper, hostility, homicidal impulses, loss of mental clarity, diarrhoea, mental confusion and liver damage from excess alcohol consumption.

Doctors have recommended victims of Word use OpenOffice instead, its “majestic” startup time giving one healthy pause to catch one’s breath, make a cup of tea and nip off to the loo, and its fibrous composition providing the same health-giving effects and taste sensation as eating a bowl of sawdust with milk every morning for the rest of your life. Many sufferers have instead opted to write on toilet paper with a burnt stick.

“Going Rogue” sells 500,000 copies, some read

DEATH VALLEY, Alaskan Sahara, Wednesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin, America’s next Republican president, has sold half a million copies of her autobiography Going Rogue, some of which have apparently been opened and read.

Sarah Palin chows down on her own shoe“The moment we got a prerelease copy,” said Calvin Woodward of the Associated Press, “we cut the spine off and scanned it in for analysis. But I can reassure you that it was entirely done by computer, and no journalists risked harm by actually touching a copy.”

The book details Mrs Palin’s rise from mayor of Wasilla to Governor of Alaska and failed Vice-Presidential candidate. After this has been covered in the first five pages, the rest of the book has been left blank, to save on ink.

“We don’t need to read a book,” said Palin fan Buffy Busybody at a signing today. “That’s dangerous and un-Christian. Nope, we know what she thinks. She’s like us. A good God-fearing down-home moose-shooting hockey mom who’ll lead us against the Muslin French terrists in Wall Street. ‘You betcha!’ You’ll see.”

The book is expected to remain in the Apocalyptic Fiction bestseller list for some time and has already been made into a movie, 2012, about the end of all life on Earth a month after her election.

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Microsoft in exclusive search-engine deal with Murdoch

PIONEER SQUARE, Seattle, Monday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Microsoft is discussing paying News Corporation for the media company to remove its websites from Google and have them exclusively searchable via Microsoft Bob Hope, setting the scene for a search engine battle that could offer a ray of light to the newspaper industry, which has yet to construct an online business model that adequately replaces vast local monopoly ad revenues.

Steve Ballmer sells Windows 1.0Rupert Murdoch, News Corp chairman, has said that he would use legal methods to prevent Google “stealing stories” published in his papers, including allowing Microsoft to pay him to add Google to a robots.txt file. “I’m always happy to do a deal with a careful, considered bloke like Steve Ballmer. His restraint is well-known, and he certainly wouldn’t blow a massive cash surplus — I’m sorry, that’s now a massive debt surplus — in a series of Hail Mary passes to try to fight Google on its heavily-defended high ground. His decision to give me buckets of cash is entirely reasonable and should be encouraged.”

Microsoft has also approached other big online publishers to persuade them to remove their sites from Google. “Wow,” said the Wikimedia Foundation, “we could get a million dollars for our charitable and educational site not to be findable in Google! Tell you what, we’ll get back to you sometime maybe never. Have you considered an exclusive deal with Conservapedia? They’d fit right in with Fox News. Sorry, did I say that with my outside voice?”

Microsoft is aiming for a direct assault on Google to put pressure on the search engine to start paying for content. “Google’s abuse of their position is legendary,” said Mr Ballmer. “Ninety-five percent of desktop computers are running Windows, most people are browsing with Internet Explorer and only ten percent of those use our Bob Hope search engine. The only possible explanation is Google abusing its monopoly to make people type ‘google.com’ into their address bar and not just leave it at the default Microsoft search. The fiends!”

Google only commented that they couldn’t think of a better couple, before going off to continue selling installations of Gmail and Google Applications to businesses sick of Office and Windows upgrades.

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