SCHESTOWITZ, Newham, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has announced the infrastructure for its cloud computing service Azure, formerly (and presently) Windows Vapor.

“We want to be more responsive to your needs,” said Sam Ramji of Microsoft during a Linux Foundation Collaboration Summit panel this week as he wiped rotten tomatoes off his suit.

“We want all open source innovation to happen on Windows. In practice, Windows is too slow, and just putting Linux underneath the same software stack triples performance. So we’re running the Windows versions of the software on Linux using Wine. We’ll also be funding the Wine on Windows initiative.”

The new Microsoft Amazingly Open And Genuine Public License allows you complete freedom to use, modify and redistribute the software provided that every copy comes with a DVD of Windows Vista Ultimate, you acknowledge that Microsoft’s FAT patent protects a remarkable and valuable innovation in computer science and all accompanying documentation is in OOXML. Also, all your data belongs to Microsoft.

The overwhelming dominance of Microsoft was assured, he said, pointing to their success in paying netbook manufacturers to use Windows XP and paying US retailers not to stock the Linux versions of the computers. “We’re also enforcing our patent on right-clicking. And on the number seven.”

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ONE MICROSOFT LOOP, Homeless Island, Monday (NNN) — As Microsoft’s search engine share sunk to its lowest level yet in February, with approximately 8 to 9 queries total worldwide, Steve Ballmer has reiterated his willingness to hook up with Yahoo! and its 21 queries worldwide.

The press conference was held on a street corner in San Francisco as Mr Ballmer and Jerry Yang sat with their hats on the sidewalk and playing harmonicas with a “WILL WEBSEARCH FOR FOOD” sign behind them.

“Understandably, we expect less activity in the Great Recession,” said Mr Ballmer. “Nobody knows what value assets should be … say, you aren’t finished with that cigarette, are you?”

Press attendees included a schizophrenic local resident in a tinfoil hat (“to keep Google out”), two teenagers drunk on malt liquor and a policeman keeping an eye on things from a distance. The teenagers taunted, confused and upset Mr Ballmer by suggesting he attempt to locate his own posterior.

“My new search technology is unstoppable! Just look at this netbook!” shouted Mr Ballmer, waving an Etch-a-Sketch in a threatening manner. “IT’S MAUVE! IT RUNS WINDOWS SEVEN! LINUX PUT A RADIO IN MY HEAD! I’LL SHOW ’EM ALL! BASTARDS!”

“Some love stories are eternal,” said Mr Yang. “Romeo and Juliet. Heloise and Abelard. Leopold and Loeb. Microsoft and Yahoo.”

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THE PANOPTICON, Mountain View, all times everywhere (NNGadget) — Google, the world’s largest non-evil corporation, has released Stalkertude™, which allows you to share your location in real time with your dearest friends from all your social networks and blogs, that guy your friend gave your LiveJournal username to when you were both drunk and anyone you’ve ever sent or received a message to or from on GMail. And your boss.

Stalkertude™ allows you to broadcast where you are at all times. It supports all current smartphones except that stupid iThing from Cupertino. If you’re using Google Chrome, you can automatically share your location from your laptop too!

Stalkertude™ comes preinstalled on the Google Notepad netbook, a free Android-based mini-laptop to keep you connected wherever you go. The laptop maintains and archives a complete record of your life in text, video and audio form with the twelve built-in webcams and microphones dotted around the casing, plus samples of your DNA from the keys. The data is transmitted to the Google servers for your comfort and convenience and remains absolutely and entirely confidential between you and Google’s marketing department. Tasteful and understated text ads are subliminally woven into the display pixels.

Privacy features are important to Stalkertude™. You can trust us with your entire life record, even as we argue in court over Google StreetView that privacy doesn’t exist in the modern world. Besides, better we have your complete dossier than Microsoft, right? And we’ll only give it to the government if they, like, ask for it or something. That we’ve gathered so much data on you in the first place is in no way a danger to you. We promise we won’t tell your husband, and that’s what counts.

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CONTINUE TO SHOP, Avoid Panic Buying, Friday (NNGadget) — A computer worm that spreads through low security networks, memory sticks, and PCs without the latest security updates is posing a growing threat to users blitheringly stupid enough to still think Windows is not ridiculously and unfixably insecure by design.

Despite many years’ warnings that Microsoft regards security as a marketing problem and has only ever done the absolute minimum it can get away with, millions of users who click on any rubbish they see in the hope of pictures of female tennis stars having wardrobe malfunctions still fail to believe that taking Windows out on the Internet is like standing bent over in the street in downtown Gomorrah, naked, arse greased up and carrying a flashing neon sign saying “COME AND GET IT.”

Microsoft cannot believe people have not applied the patch for the problem, just because they keep trying to use Windows Genuine Advantage to break legally-bought systems. “Don’t they trust us?” asked marketing marketer Steve Ballmer.

Millions of smug Mac users and the four hundred smug Linux users pointed and laughed, having long given up trying to convince their Windows-using friends to see sense. “There’s a reason the Unix system on Mac OS X is called Darwin,” said appallingly smug Mac user Arty Phagge.

“It can’t be stupid if everyone else runs it,” said Windows user Joe Beleaguered, who had lost all his email, business files, MP3s and porn again. “Macs cost more than Windows PCs.”

“Yes,” said Phagge. “Yes, they do.”

Ubuntu Linux developer Hiram Nerdboy frantically tried to get our attention about something or other, but we can’t say we care.

MICROSOFT WOTCH, Cupertino, Monday (NNGadget) — Apple chief executive Steve Jobs, 53, announced Monday he was being treated for a “hormone imbalance” but would remain head of the company.

“I find myself unable to give the Macworld keynote tomorrow,” said Jobs, “but my truly spectacular rack will be well worth the hormonal rages. It’s like six months of PMS, though my engineers will tell you there’s hardly a difference.”

The keynote, to be presented by Pamela Anderson and Jenna Jameson, is rumored to introduce the new iKini and iFront lingerie range, in signature translucent white, with eight gigabytes of music storage and 3G phone connectivity. “Left one for signal strength, right one for network.”

Jobs noted that his decision not to give the Macworld keynote had set off a “flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.” To restore investor confidence, he has been fitted with a full set of cybernetic implants providing full live data on his bodily functions, broadcast in sideband data on the Disney Channel and downloadable daily on iTunes.

Bill Gates pooh-poohed the iFront range, offering his new Zunewear “Carrot” Macho Dude-Pants, which would make you look better “every day of the year” (except December 31st) and “show off your Ballmers like never before. DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! I’M A PEE-CEEEE!”