THE PANOPTICON, Mountain View, all times everywhere (NNGadget) — Google, the world’s largest non-evil corporation, has released Stalkertude™, which allows you to share your location in real time with your dearest friends from all your social networks and blogs, that guy your friend gave your LiveJournal username to when you were both drunk and anyone you’ve ever sent or received a message to or from on GMail. And your boss.
Stalkertude™ allows you to broadcast where you are at all times. It supports all current smartphones except that stupid iThing from Cupertino. If you’re using Google Chrome, you can automatically share your location from your laptop too!
Stalkertude™ comes preinstalled on the Google Notepad netbook, a free Android-based mini-laptop to keep you connected wherever you go. The laptop maintains and archives a complete record of your life in text, video and audio form with the twelve built-in webcams and microphones dotted around the casing, plus samples of your DNA from the keys. The data is transmitted to the Google servers for your comfort and convenience and remains absolutely and entirely confidential between you and Google’s marketing department. Tasteful and understated text ads are subliminally woven into the display pixels.
Privacy features are important to Stalkertude™. You can trust us with your entire life record, even as we argue in court over Google StreetView that privacy doesn’t exist in the modern world. Besides, better we have your complete dossier than Microsoft, right? And we’ll only give it to the government if they, like, ask for it or something. That we’ve gathered so much data on you in the first place is in no way a danger to you. We promise we won’t tell your husband, and that’s what counts.
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