THE COMMONS ROOM, Lo-Fi High, Thursday (NNN) — David Cameron apologised today after an overeager Conservative HQ staff member altered a Wikipedia entry to help him score a debating point in Parliament.

“It says in Wikipedia you’re a ‘one-eyed Scottish idiot,'” said Mr Cameron at Parliamentary Question Time. Later, a Tory staffer edited Mr Brown’s entry to note that Mr Brown was a “one-eyed Scottish idiot,” including references from conservative.com, and adding a “citation needed” tag as “there’s some dispute among academics.”

Mr Cameron retracted the comment after a barrage of criticism from politicians, disability groups and Wikipedia editors. “We believe the comparison of idiots to Gordon Brown constitutes incivility and a personal attack on all Wikipedians,” said administrator JClarkson451, “and have forwarded the matter to the Arbitration Committee.”

Scottish politicians have urged Mr Cameron be censured for insinuating Mr Brown was in any way linked with Scotland, an obvious national insult to that nice Scotsman Mr Blair.

Carol Thatcher called the controversy a storm in a teacup, but sent Mr Brown a cuddly golliwog doll to comfort him in these dark economic times.

THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Sunday (NNN) — Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has denied breaking any rules in claiming “second home” expenses for the house she shares with her husband and children, after all investigators looking into the matter found themselves otherwise occupied with personal legal concerns.

Ms Smith has claimed more than £116,000 in second home expenses over several years. However, several investigators had been arrested under the Protection from Harassment Act for alarming her or causing her distress. Several others were arrested under anti-terrorist legislation in order to explain their movements as documented on the new universal travel database, and two were arrested after council CCTV footage revealed a terrorist failure to recycle their rubbish properly.

A spokeswoman for Ms Smith said she had “fully abided” with expenses rules and smugly defied reporters to find any investigator who could say otherwise.

Earlier investigations of similar expense moves by Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper were abandoned after completely coincidental police threats to take away all computers, mobile phones and technological equipment more complicated than scissors away from the investigators, their families and anyone they knew unless they pled guilty to child porn charges.

Ms Smith thanked the Party for its confidence and promised to continue her work for the benefit of the law-abiding citizenry of the United Kingdom. “All twenty-two of them.”

MENEZES, Stockwell, Wednesday (NNN) — Luckless cipher Sir Paul Stephenson has been named as Commissioner of London’s Metropolitan Police.

Sir Paul, 55, who was deputy to previous chief Sir Ian Blair, said he was “enormously proud” and was looking forward to bringing “a complete change, only somehow more of exactly the same.”

Leading a staff of more than 50,000 and overseeing a £3.5bn budget, he will be expected to continue the fight against terrorism, young people wherever they may be and falling house prices. He said his priorities would include cutting crime, catching criminals and “all that police-y stuff. The job of the Met is to deal with crime and make the streets of London safer. And state the bleeding obvious in press conferences.”

Sir Paul’s first priorities include the Olympics, the arrests of MPs, youth knife murders, organised crime, child protection, the recession and anything at all that doesn’t bring to mind electricians being shot through the head in tube trains by armed police. He will be meeting with the National Black Police Association to offer them an entirely new series of platitudes and empty gestures.

T’MILL, Westminster, Friday (NNN) — David Cameron has announced a shadow cabinet reshuffle to enhance the Tories’ working class credibility.

“Everything old is old again,” said Mr Cameron. William Hague has been reinstalled as the reserve Dave, Ken Clarke has been brought back to be snide at Gordon Brown and John Major will reprise his role as the nerdy little goit who got his head flushed every lunchtime. George Osborne has been sent off for de-elocution lessons. “’Appen,” said Mr Osborne.

“Labour’s a bunch of middle-class wankers tryin’ to administer everyone,” said David ‘Nosher’ Davis. “The Tories respect the povs’ intelligence and intrinsic street-smarts, and know how to go up to them and say, ‘yo, blud, I’m an avaricious self-centred materialist like you, bro’.’ Some of our best Tory leaders ’ave come from the estates. Er, don’t tell Dave I said that, okay.”

Eric Pickles, the cartoonish fat working-class businessman parachuted in as Party chair, concurred. “It’s necessary to turning the misdirected energy of the youth to good account. We need a real commitment to tackling the causes of crime, and to teach young people how to commit only decent businessman-like corner-cutting of greater plausible deniability.”

“I’d like to state my firm support for this initiative,” said London mayor Boris Johnson. “What ho, gosh darn those wack Nu-Labour sucka MCs, chaps. My Brompton weighs a ton.”

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BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Westminster, Tuesday (NNN) — Tens of people have gathered in the British capital to see Gordon Hussein Brown (name changed last week by deed poll) sworn at in as Britain’s second president.

Crowds inexplicably failed to pack into the Parliamentary gallery from dawn in a cold and wintry London to witness the opening of Parliament. The President arrived in his official Robin Reliant to deliver his inaugural address, a twenty-minute speech focusing on the theme of everything having gone to shit and Mr Brown being the one to get us out of it, having gotten us into it.

Unprecedented security is in place, with two or three security personnel, all called Reg, on stand-by in Westminster. Security officials said they were monitoring a “potential threat” of “uncertain credibility” on inauguration day.

Across the UK, there is a sense of history being made. Gloomy Monday; house prices dropping; terrible weather; a new Doctor Who; Celebrity Big Brother; the X Factor Christmas number one. Anticipation has been building across the country ahead of the ceremony.

But Mr Brown faces serious challenges. The UK is gripped by uncertainty as it faces its worst crisis in decades. And as well as Peter Mandelson being back, the economy’s in the toilet and everyone’s broke.

But hope rises still. In a gesture of good cheer, the Chancellor has announced the introduction to the market of special duty-free Labour Party fundraising refreshments of rebranded White Lightning and Tennants Super.

George W. Bush has also been in touch with Number 10, letting them know he’s currently free to join Mr Brown’s Government of All the Talents. Lord Mandelson said he would definitely process Mr Bush’s application within the next several years.

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