Category Archives: Politics

Palin: I can replace Jackson in your hearts

July 7, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

STAPLES CENTER, Wasilla, Tuesday (NNN) — Sarah Palin has revealed what compelled her to quit as governor of Alaska at no notice: the media weirdness deficit with Michael Jackson gone.

“When the going gets tough,” said Mrs Palin in an impromptu speech this afternoon, “the winners get quitting! Life is about choices! It’s time to bring Alaiskah’s huge weird surplus to outside, to build up and fight for our country! We are not retreating, we are advancing! Into the fourth dimension!”

“The tension in her face during the resignation speech,” noted Bill Kristol of Fox News, “like a teenager trying to tell a pre-emptive whopper of a lie to her parents before they find out what she’s actually done — it was her angst and upset at the death of the King of Pop. A pain that all Americans share, as they do memorial moonwalks and sell tickets to the memorial at inflated prices on eBay in the finest American can-do free enterprise spirit.”

Mrs Palin flew herself down to Los Angeles for the Jackson memorial concert, flinging herself onto the golden casket as it came up on stage with a spectacular series of dance moves, culminating in shooting the head off a zombie moose.

BBC News respectfully played the entirety of the memorial concert, which was much more newsworthy than Uighurs rioting in Xinjiang Province in China or anything. “It’s not like they could even get more interest on Twitter than Jackson,” said on-the-spot reporter Matthew Price. “Get with the programme, Uighurs!”

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Politics, United States

Sarah Palin gives maverickilicious resignation speech

July 4, 2009 David Gerard 3 Comments

WASILLA HIGH SCHOOL, Alaiskah, Friday (NNN) — Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has suddenly resigned, citing attacks from the press making it impossible to do her job.

“Let me explain it with basketball. It’s the national full-court press picking away right now. A good point guard drives through a full court press like a mav’rick, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket. Then the winged monkeys descend, in gay married pairs, flinging poop at me an’ reciting the Koran in French. And I shoot them outa the sky — bang, bang, pow! Quitters stick it out, but winners quit! For victory!”

The governor put her famous financial prudence at the core of the decision. “I can’t let your money and time go to waste just so I can hold the title of governor. That I’ll get ten times the cash on the fundie lecture circuit doesn’t affect my decision at all.”

Mrs Palin firmly omitted crediting by any mention the ridiculous allegations of corruption in the construction of the Wasilla Stadium and coincidental observations that the family’s house was built at the same time by the same contractors from the same materials, such as large, expensive windows that took a crane to hoist to the second floor and specialized training and tools to install. “Todd and a few buddies busted ’em out over a few weekends with a few six-packs. We needed ’em to see Russia.”

Republican commentators expressed their untrammeled joy at and admiration of Mrs Palin’s brilliant move, noting its similarity to the bit where Vader kills Gandalf and he then comes back to kill Voldemort. “The Palins are just staying in Paraguay for a few short months,” said Bill Kristol on Fox News, “until the financial mudslinging stops. Then she’ll be back to run for President! A resounding shot of hope has been fired!” Up to several protestors took to the streets in urban areas with signs saying “STOP WASHINGTON,” “STOP OBAMA” and “SAVE SARAH” before being returned to the Republican Preservation National Parks in Utah and Alaska.

Mrs Palin’s last words were for the mainstream liberal media. “As I leave you, I want you to know — just think how much you’re gonna be missing. You won’t have Palin to kick around any more. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference and it’ll be one in which I’ve welcomed the opportunity to test wits with you. You betcha!”

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Politics, United Kingdom

Gordon Brown teases: “I could walk away from office tomorrow”

June 20, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

TOYNBEE, Internationale, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an interview with The Guardian, Gordon Brown teased and taunted Britain and the Labour Party with claims that “I could walk away from all of this tomorrow. I’m hurt, terribly hurt by the things people have said.”

Cabinet gritted its teeth and stifled the urge to shout “THEN FUCKING GO,” realising there was no-one on hand who was any less rubbish.

“I’m not as great a presenter of information or communicator as I would like to be. I don’t actually think I’m very good at it at all. That thing you do with your face, where the corners of your mouth go up, that Peter does when he’s dancing on skulls … it’s weird and unnatural.”

He also spoke of the “common purpose” between Lord Mandelson and himself. “I must say, his way with the vertebrae of anyone who crosses him is really quite impressive, not to mention his skills with eye of newt and tongue of frog. People in the Labour Party are coming to appreciate his talents, or at least the ones who enjoy being able to walk. There’s great affection for him now, and hardly any garlic or silver crosses.”

Despite the issues his party had faced in the last month, Mr Brown said he was confident Labour could still win the next general election for two reasons: Labour’s huge successes in handling the economy and MPs’ expenses, and truly stupendous quantities of hallucinogenic chemicals in the water supply for 10 Downing Street.

Politics, United Kingdom

MPs’ expenses run through experimental Cleanfeed filter

June 19, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

SHOCKED, SHOCKED, Casablanca, Friday (NNN) — Giving in to public pressure, the House of Commons yesterday revealed all MP expense claims for the past five years, heralded on the front page of every newspaper today with pictures of large black rectangles and all cryptic crosswords and Sudokus being replaced with public participatory efforts to go through the raw data looking for the most jawdropping claims.

“I am shocked and appalled,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown, “that my government would conceal its expenses from its leader, who knew nothing of this at all, and then attempt to conceal the concealing. ~~Don’t they trust me?~~”

The results were fed through an experimental Cleanfeed Internet filter, switched on after the Ministry of Defence had asked BT to block all UK access to Wikileaks.org to conceal the documents showing they had accidentally revealed the location of MI5 as ~~oops, it’s slipped my mind~~.

“Revealing MPs’ expenses will only grant succour to journalists and paedophiles,” said the Internet Watch Foundation. “Trust us on this.”

“I can categorically assure taxpayers that ~~arse feck we’re busted~~,” said retiring Speaker Michael Martin.

The Liberal Democrats have signaled their intention to seize the day, look this gift horse in the mouth and completely fail to turn it to anything resembling electoral advantage. As usual.

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Australia, Politics, Science

Fielding annoyed by “scientists” disagreeing with him

June 16, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

THE END TIMES, Canberra, one hundred light-years behind (NotScientist) — A two-hour meeting with Australia’s Chief Scientist Penny Sackett has failed to convince Family First Senator Steven Fielding that human activity is the main cause of climate change.

Senator Fielding also expressed scepticism concerning chemistry, physics, evolution and the “Galilean heresies” concerning the Earth and the Sun and was not entirely sure of this new-fangled “arithmetic” or its place in our schools. He was unimpressed by Dr Sackett’s “evasions” when he questioned her. “When I asked her ‘why do carbon emissions only prove the Earth is six thousand years old and we’ll all have gone to Heaven in the Rapture by the time it becomes a problem?’, she wanted to rephrase my question and not answer it. Then she’d bang her head on the wall, I don’t know why.”

Senator Fielding has recently returned from a fact-finding mission to the United States, where he met with several climate change sceptics and Discovery Institute scientists who revealed to him how “magic beans” were responsible for temperature rises. “We also established that homosexuality causes greenhouse gases. But if we can filter the carbon dioxide at the Internet, apparently, we should be able to stop it dead in its tracks.”

The Government’s prospects of getting its carbon trading scheme through the Senate this fortnight rest with Senator Fielding and other crossbench senators who hold the balance of power. The Greens and Independent Senator Nick Xenophon also refused to back the scheme, but are thought to understand basic logic and mathematics and so may have objections that do not cause neural injury to contemplate.

The Australian Senate is elected by proportional representation per state. Senator Fielding represents those constituents, otherwise discriminated against, who remain climate change sceptics, evolution sceptics, ten-finger sceptics, outbreeding sceptics and walking upright sceptics.

Asia, Politics

Iranian election: “Mission accomplished”

June 14, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

THE WHITE HOUSE, Tehran, Sunday (NNN) — Controversy reigns after the Iranian election on Saturday, in which incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected with a landslide 63% of the vote and returns from all districts precisely matched Government pre-poll predictions.

Mr Ahmadinejad credits his win to democratic methods perfected by George W. Bush. “We fully understand the international community’s desires to see that Iran’s democracy transparently works to the highest standards found in other nations. Mr Bush’s work has been exemplary.”

The “hanging chad” technique has been particularly effective. “Rounding up opposition voters, politicians and journalists named Chad and hanging them. In those cases where the opposition insurgent was not named Chad, we of course took care to change their names to Chad posthumously. Democratic procedures must not only be observed, they must be seen to be observed.”

“I stand one hundred per cent behind my brother Mahmoud,” said Supreme Leader Ali Khameini Rove of the Project for a New Iranian Century. “Occasionally with his mouth moving in time with the movements of my hand. Clever, isn’t it?”

Mr Ahmadinejad has been condemned by some as a “lunatic redneck” and “a gibbering madman perilously close to the nuclear button.” “These charges are most unfair. When I declaimed the necessity of obliterating and deleting the unnameable Zionist entity with cleansing atomic fire, it was implicit in these statements that we would need to reach a resolution to undertake such action through proper procedures of international diplomacy. Mr Bush’s excellent work in decapitating Saddam Hussein’s odious regime shows the way forward in this regard.”

“We stand in solidarity with the Iranian people,” said President-in-Exile Al Gore from his cave high in the mountains of Afghanistan. “For my own part, I will never give up the fight to take back America and Iran from the Republican counterrevolutionaries and will not rest until all Americans and Iranians breathe the free air of socialism … what? Democrats elected? Huh, next you’ll try telling me the President’s black. You can’t fool me! Back where you came from!”

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Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Human anatomy remains mystery to MPs

June 13, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

RATCHED, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — In a survey of over 600 people working in Westminster, less than half were able to locate their heart on a diagram, less than one third could distinguish the gluteal muscle from the joint in their arm and many could not locate their own posterior under any circumstances.

The researchers said they found little difference in understanding of human anatomy between their survey and a similar one done in April 1979.

The results showed that:

Knowledge was poor and had dropped back to the same level as thirty years ago.
Many stoutly asserted that the heart was “propaganda” and “a myth” and that any such organ would be entirely unfeasible in practice.
Despite inability to locate the gluteal muscle, in many subjects it was 90% of their bodily mass, with a large nerve going directly to the pocket located adjacent to it.
Those whose hip pocket nerve was most problematic had the most trouble locating it or even admitting to its existence.

“Human anatomy remains a mystery to most of these people,” said John Weinman, who led the study, “though it is questionable how relevant it is to some of them.”

Suggested remedies include radical surgery to remove the most prominently overgrown gluteal muscles, scheduled to be performed no later than 5th May 2010.

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Asia, Politics

Kim Jong-nam happy to stay well out of North Korean succession

June 9, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

INIQUITY, Macau, Tuesday (NNN) — Kim Jong-nam, the eldest son of North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, has confirmed reports of his younger brother Kim Jong-un succeeding his father, in an interview with Japanese NTV.

“The appointment of a successor is totally my father’s decision. Jong-un is certainly the man for the job. Chip off the old block, he is. Who wouldn’t want to inherit somewhere in as good shape as North Korea? Fantastic past, fantastic present, fantastic future. Who wouldn’t choose military parades and announcing a 30% increase in mud pie production over drinking, whoring and gambling? I’m sure there’ll be no war crimes trials for the lucky fellow in the hot seat when the hollow shell collapses. Because it won’t, of course. And isn’t hollow. We just feel the rest of the world isn’t ready to share the bountiful socialist wealth flowing from our policy of Juche. Of course!”

Kim Jong-nam denied reports he had defected or was living in exile. “Macau and China are great places. Not as great as North Korea, of course! No, no. I just like it here.”

There has been much speculation over who would follow Mr Kim, who is thought to have suffered a stroke last year. North Korean officials were reportedly told to support Kim Jong-un after the North’s 25 May nuclear test. “Certainly I haven’t heard of any purges or midnight executions of perceived supporters of mine. Because I’m not seeking any. Or the job. No, no, Jong-un’s your fellow. Fabulous bloke. ’Scuse me, just got to look up departure times for planes to Xinjiang Province, or perhaps deepest Siberia. Lovely to catch you, must do lunch, love ya babe!”

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Politics, United Kingdom

Cabinet reshuffle puts Lords up front

June 8, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

PRIVY COUNCIL, Flush Twice, Friday (NNN) — Lord Peter Mandelson has become deputy prime minister in the latest cabinet reshuffle, one of the highest positions held by an unelected politician in recent times. Joining him is Sir Alan Sugar, to become Lord Sugar, as enterprise secretary.

“Elections are so passé,” said Lord Mandelson, “don’t you think? Look at the EU vote. They couldn’t think of any proper parties to vote for, so the few who showed up and could, you know, work a pencil voted in the Nazis and those UKIP idiots.

“Clearly, elections are an idea whose time has passed. We need to get back to a monarchy with a solid system of courtiers. Thus, only the unelected can join the cabinet and, in due course, become Prime Minister. Or Grand Vizier, as I prefer to call the rôle.”

Lord Mandelson reassured everyone that Gordon Brown had seen off the latest round of attackers with knives for his back and that Mr Brown was safe in his position for at least another week. “But should he take ill or otherwise be unavoidably detained, in a dungeon or tower or similar, you will be comforted to know that strictly temporary succession plans are firmly in place and he has a deputy ready to do the job pro tempore. Just in case it should prove unfortunately necessary.”

Lord Mandelson also reassured everyone that Lord Sugar was not merely waiting for the right moment to break the news to Mr Brown. “Or the cameras.”

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Europe, Politics, United Kingdom

Green landslide in Euro elections

June 4, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Brussels, Wednesday — Given the choice of thieves and/or liars, neo-Nazis, palaeo-Nazis and plain gibbering nutters, those voters who bothered with the 2009 European Parliament elections rather than staying home to work on their taste for White Lightning have reluctantly and with great pain chosen the Greens as the gibbering nutters of choice, despite the party’s deep suspicion of any technology or medicine more complicated or considered than banging two rocks together. Sustainably-quarried rocks, chiseled in a free-range masonry with high quality state-funded education.

The party maintains that its position on technology, science and medicine has been grossly misrepresented. “The spiritual colon cleansing over MPs’ expenses has been vastly entertaining for all, for example. Furthermore, bombing — I mean, gently encouraging — Westminster back to the Stone Age is a surefire winner for our national ambitions.”

The UK Independence Party accused Eurocrat electoral infiltrators of having “robbed” it of votes in the design of the ballot paper as its voters could not find it on the ballot, being unable to figure out how to unfold the paper. The party will be mounting a legal challenge on the matter as soon as they find consultants able to explain to them how to work pencils.

The remaining Labour voters have demanded legal protection as a minority cult religion, or possibly a diagnosable mental illness.

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder