Category Archives: Politics

Alan Turing apologises for Gordon Brown

September 13, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

BLETCHEROUS PARK, Milton Springsteen, Sunday (NNGadget) — Today, on Programmer’s Day — September 13th, the two hundred and fifty-sixth day of the year — it is time for deep reflection on who we are and how we reached the current state of things.

After breaking the German Enigma Machine codes during the second World War and inventing computer science as we know it, I started work on my next and greatest project: to build the ultimate politician.

We would put together a force of bright and shining intellects, prominent academics of brilliance and perspicacity, but adept in the rough and tumble of practical day-to-day politics. A simulated “Max Headroom” smiling face as the frontman, and only a small amount of unearthly, unspeakable eldritch horror as the directing node behind the cluster.

It’s hard to say what I was thinking at the time. A thriving, computer-mediated economy, where machines would do the hard work and hard thinking for the benefit of all humanity. The prospect of a chancellor-bot singing “Daisy, daisy” as I removed his competence boards one by one to turn him into a Prime Minister. The sheer epic spectacle of huge mecha-politicians fighting it out with laser cannons over the smoking ruins of London. At least we got that one.

So on behalf of British technologists, and to all those who live under the CCTV’s watchful eye thanks to my work, I am now free to say: I am so very, very sorry. You deserved so much better.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Politics, United States

Republican in “heterosexual” sex scandal

September 9, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

OLD GLORY HOLE, The Castro, Wednesday (NNN) — Michael Duvall, California Republican state assemblyman representing Orange County, has resigned his seat after being caught vividly describing lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist.

Duvall has insisted he is “not sexual” and that the female lobbyist he spoke of is “really a guy”. “I made up all of these stories! I have two children, so I’ve had sex, uh, that’d be twice. Republicans get married and we only think about money from then on. I swear.”

Many Republican groups are outraged. “If you’re going to break God’s covenant, do it good and hard,” said the Rev Ted Haggard. “None of this pussy-footing around. Geddit? See what I did there?”

Others were less concerned. “These people are implying that fucking a lobbyist with business in front of your committee looks like some sort of ‘corruption,'” said Mark Sanford. “Honi soit, dude. Honi soit.”

Gay groups welcomed the news, having long begged conservative politicians, ministers and commentators to, for the love of God, stop being gay. “Bathroom gropers,” said spokesfag Elle Lucius, “glory hole cocksuckers with herpes sores around their concealed mouths, shadowy men in tight Levis doing unspeakable things in piss-stinking alleys and on massage tables that light up like Christmas under blacklight … these things are all very well in their place. But those suits! That polyester! Dear God, can’t they afford better tailoring? Don’t these people have suburbs to go to?”

The Democratic gay contingent, the Log Cabin Democrats, have long had trouble pushing their point of view in their own party, with their strange and antisocial predilections for decades-long committed relationships rather than the furtive liaisons in airport bathrooms favored by the GOP.

Education, Politics, United States

Obama speech fills ears of mere children with vile propaganda

September 8, 2009 David Gerard 3 Comments

THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE, Kenyawaii, Tuesday (NNN) — Republican fears over Barack Obama’s back-to-school speech to students have not been quelled by the release of the text.

Mr Obama tells students to work hard, set goals, take responsibility for their own future, be self-reliant and diligently pursue the fruits of capitalism and free enterprise. “To hear this coming from a Democrat is obvious Communism,” said Glenn Beck on Fox News. “Obama is literally Stalin.”

“The speech was reasoned, sensible and apolitical,” said Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell. “This is just an attempt to propagandise Obama as sane and normal, not as the slavering destroyer of humanity we know he is. They might see what he actually looks and talks like, not just what Fox says about him! You’d think we were in socialist North Kenya.”

Others have protested that Mr Obama’s advice to students to stay in school will only increase the possibility of exposure to liberal propaganda. In Minnesota, the state’s Association of School Administrators recommended against showing the president’s speech. “He didn’t scream abuse off-camera, swear unholy vengeance against his opponents or burst into tears once! What happens if students see a politician being calm and low-key talking about the future? They’ll think that’s how you talk about political matters! They’ll think there’s reasonable discussion with the enemy, grey areas, moral relativism. It’s just a short step from there to death panels voting on Kenyan gay marriages.”

“He credited the XBox and iPhone,” said Sarah Palin. “This is a clear attempt to further the Marxist agenda of Democrat Party liberals who’ve used evilution to grow thumbs.”

Europe, Politics, United Kingdom

Row as Daniel Hannan praises Hitler

August 27, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

THE MEMORY HOLE, Wolverhampton South West, Thursday (NNN) — Labour has criticised Tory MEP Daniel Hannan for citing Adolf Hitler in an interview.

Mr Hannan told Randroid magazine that the 1930s German chancellor understood “the importance of a really good motorway.” He later told the BBC he was a “libertarian” on immigration, but was fully on-side with Mr Hitler over the right grade of asphalt and suitably wide turning circles at interchanges. “His expertise in these matters really isn’t appreciated these days.”

The MEP caused controversy two weeks ago when he gave a stirring speech on US television saying that the NHS would lead to “rivers of blood” — prompting Tory leader David Cameron to ask the media to “pay no attention to the silly, silly man behind the curtain” and gently remind Mr Hannan that getting elected next year would be quite nice, thanks.

Mr Hannan also became a hit on the video sharing site YouTube, with a three minute speech in the European Parliament attacking Gordon Brown, that was set to a clip from the movie Downfall and had “Dragostea Din Tei” as backing music.

The Conservatives said Mr Hannan would not be disciplined because his praise for Mr Hitler had not referred to the late politician’s stance on immigration. “He does have some quite eccentric views about some things,” said Mr Cameron. “Ha! Ha! There’s a reason we sent him off to Europe, where he couldn’t do much harm. Daniel, do feel free not to comment in public on anything whatsoever until next June, there’s a good chap.”

Africa, Politics, United Kingdom, United States

Lockerbie bomber freed for reasons other than business dealings

August 22, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

THE BLACK HOLE OF LOCKERBIE, The Great Game, Saturday (NNN) — FBI Director Robert Mueller harshly criticized the release of Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi, convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, as “a mockery of the rule of law” and “detrimental to the cause of justice engineering.”

Al Megrahi had been serving a life sentence for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. After many years of appeals over blatantly tampered evidence, in which the British government tried to keep relevant documents secret from the defendant and his lawyers on national security grounds until the judge threatened to throw the conviction out, Al Megrahi was finally released due to terminal prostate cancer and having three months to live.

Al Megrahi was told he could either go home to Libya or stay and die clearing his name. The government declined an option to free al Megrahi and allow him to live in Scotland after senior police officers cited the severe security implications of him opening his mouth where people might listen.

“Obviously, the sight of a mass murderer getting a hero’s welcome in Tripoli is deeply upsetting, deeply distressing,” David Miliband told BBC radio Friday morning. “Since of course he did it, as shown by none of his appeals getting through.”

The Libyan government had accepted that paying $2.7 billion and taking the rap for the bombing was a business requirement of selling oil to the West. But Thursday, after al Megrahi’s return, the Libyan official news agency JANA issued a statement from the government saying that al Megrahi had been “a political hostage,” showing that Gadaffi was obviously a terrorist nutter and a bad loser to boot.

Peter Mandelson pooh-poohed the notion that the release was in any way to sweeten upcoming oil deals. “The idea that the British government and the Libyans would sit down and somehow barter about the freedom of this Libyan prisoner to form some sort of business deal … it’s not only wrong, it’s completely implausible. Furthermore, any such deals in the very near future will be merest coincidence.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Asia, Defence, Health, Politics

West fights for democracy, justice and marital rape in Afghanistan

August 14, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces.

Activists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the country has signed. “But I’m sure we can deal with that in due course,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, “particularly once the fundies have gotten the votes in. There’s one of those ‘election’ things you people are so fond of coming up, you know.”

Proposed amendments include having to ask nicely and not slapping a bitch too hard afterwards. Non-marital rapists will be required to pay “blood money” to girls injured during a rape, before the girl is of course stoned to death as an adulterer.

General Sir David Richards noted that British military involvement in the country may last decades. “This is what our boys are dying for. Half a century of legal rape is a small price to pay for truth and justice for all men.”

The US and Britain invaded Afghanistan to deal with the Taliban and “bomb them back to the stone age. But it looks like they’re already there, which saves us some time.”

Politics, Religion, United States

Did Jesus reveal the name of the “antichrist”?

August 4, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily

GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you’ll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan’s bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That leader has come to be known as “the antichrist.”

Now, advanced analysis of Luke 10:18 — “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven” — shows that the Greek word for “lightning” is “astrape,” the Hebrew word for which is “Baraq;” and the Hebrew for “height,” as in “heaven,” is “Bamah.”

The financial bailout, started as a holy work by George W. Bush, demonstrates the Kenyan citizen Obama’s Satanic intentions in having the temerity to continue it, evangelising the worship of Mammon in the sinful financial alleys of New York.

Further research has shown that Obama’s health policies go directly against the word of Leviticus, in their subsidy for gay marriage, divorce, mixed fibers and shellfish. Leviticus chapter 1 also specifies how God likes His barbecue done in important detail.

Finally, the Wikipedia article on Obama has had vital information on the real circumstances of his birth removed repeatedly by the cabal of leftist Satan-worshipping administrators, despite the efforts of several users (User:JoeKovacs, User:KovacsJoe, User:JKovacs and User:JKWND in particular) to preserve it. The word “wiki” comes from the pagan word for “quick,” while “pedia” means “sex with children.”

Indeed, the Internet is the source of some of the most horrifyingly Satanic material in existence, proselytising the One-World government of the Antichrist forming around the Democrat Party. We must fight this every day, without fail. We must battle for the destruction of the world Net, daily … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

Politics, United Kingdom

Labour to put CCTV in worst 24.7 million households

August 2, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

NEVER AGAIN, Well Hardly Ever, Sunday (NNN) — In a “Back To Basics” return to fundamental working class values, or a reasonable substitute, Labour has announced that CCTV will be used to keep the worst families in Britain in line, children’s secretary Ed Balls announced to the Sunday Excess yesterday.

“We have a £400 squillion PFI plan to put the very worst problem families under 24-hour CCTV supervision in their own homes to ensure that children attend school, go to bed on time and eat proper meals. Privatised security guards will carry out on-the-spot checks. Their parents will be hooked to a polygraph and questioned on whether they have gone over Department of Health recommendations on alcohol consumption per week.

“But don’t worry! It won’t happen to you. Just to those chavvy yobs down the street. Discipline!”

In the run up to the next election, Labour has sworn to get back in touch with its grass roots, or what New Labour remembers about them. “We’ll imprison asylum seekers! Particularly in BNP-voting areas! Swan-eating illegalised! Public massacres of gyppos! Bring the kids! Fun for all the family! Pitchforks, torches and page three girls supplied! The Tories can’t possibly outdo this one!”

Dave Cameron said he probably couldn’t, but he’d “give it a good old go. Defend our title, what? Norman Tebbit back in Cabinet, that should be a good start. We just have to keep mirrors and sunlight out of range.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Entertainment, Politics, United States

“Birthers” probe Obama’s alleged robotic ancestry

July 29, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

WITWICKY, Arctic Circle, Tuesday (NNN) — Controversy continues over US President Barack Obama’s place of birth and Constitutional eligibility to be president, with even senior Republicans wondering if Obama is really an American citizen, or a Decepticon spy.

“The birth certificate was falsely attested by Mr Obama’s mother and grandmother so that a custody battle would be heard in the US and not under the laws of Cybertron,” said Senator Optimus Prime (R-UT). “The plan was part of a conspiracy of communists, Muslims, Jews, Decepticons and French to take over the world with the coming of the Anti-Spark, who would magically transform into a 1961 Ford Fairlane convertible. With red and white pinstriping. Autobots will of course rejoin the Allspark in the Rapture, but the rest of you are fucked.”

When the Obama presidential campaign produced documentation, it claimed to be an extract of birth. However, it was not a full manufacturer’s certificate of live birth with original warranty certification and service log book. Experts who examined the image in high resolution accessed viral data that caused their brains to explode and their souls to return to the Allspark. This suggests to observers that Obama was really created in a lab on Cybertron and was later smuggled into Hawaii, before accidentally crashing into the World Trade Center in September 2001 during overly boisterous horseplay with another Decepticon.

Not all Republicans agree with the theory. “I myself was manufactured in the Panama Occupied Zone during the era of steam,” said Senator John McCain (RINO-AZ). “My boilerplates are certified 100% All-American. The Supreme Court has explicitly ruled that an American parent makes you ‘natural born’ wherever you were born. The President’s Irish heritage through Ann Dunham is no barrier to the presidency.”

Fox News presenters continue to trumpet the “birther” theory, for “the good of all Americans,” said pundit Michael Bay. “By doubling down on the most advanced and developed of patriotic theories, by driving the center of the Republican Party further down the path of righteousness, we are reshaping the party into a more radicalized community of that core of only the most dedicated Americans. All five to seven percent of them. Any suggestion this is all for Rupert Murdoch’s bottom line is scurrilous. So stay tuned to this channel! You never know what rabid lies you might hear anywhere else! We report, you decide! And now a message from our sponsors Blackout, Scorponok, Frenzy, Barricade, Starscream, Devastator and Bonecrusher.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Differently-competent PM pleads against assisted career suicide

July 8, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

THE WAITING ROOM, Westminster, Wednesday (NN) — The House of Lords voted against a controversial move to protect Britons who help people bring an end to terminally-ill political careers.

The law presently states that anyone who helps another to commit suicide can be jailed for up to 14 years. However, destroying one’s career and future public image and taking the rest of the country with you whilst remaining technically living is not merely legal, but standard. The Director of Public Prosecutions Keir Starmer decided last year to allow the slow destruction of the career and future of Gordon Brown, a 58-year-old man paralysed by a Peter Principle accident who started the slow process of career suicide at the Indignitas clinic in Westminster in 2007.

Mr Brown spoke out strongly against the amendment himself. “I believe it will place a new and invidious pressure on terminally incompetent people to think they are closer to the end of their jobs. I tick every box of the proposed criteria to be eliminated. Members of my own cabinet repeatedly suggest I should seek the ‘dignified option.’ But despite the times when my progressively worsening incompetence challenges me, I want to guarantee that you are with me, supporting my continued life and its value … what do you mean, you’ve already signed me up for it? Peter? Peter!”

NHS trust managers were most disappointed in the result. “Where there’s a living will, there’s a way!”

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder