COGS’ HOME, Battersea, Thursday (NTN) — The United States has unveiled its new embassy in Britain, to impress visa-seekers with “the core beliefs of our democracy: isolationism, bureaucracy and deep, dark dungeons.”
“Our current embassy is fifty years old,” said Ambassador Louis Susman, “and does not meet modern office needs and security standards. We understand some visa seekers do not feel profound despondency as they queue for a third day. We have hired Guantanamo architects KieranTimberlake to construct a new embassy in Nine Elms which will appropriately reflect one of our most cherished and bilateral relationships.”
Highlights of the visual presence include a landscaped “Embassy Park” surrounding the structure, open to all Londoners. The water feature completely encircling the new building will contain authentic Florida alligators and friendly, polite concrete security staff emplacements nestled amongst the mangroves.
The building itself will be constructed upon geometric principles (“who says a circle has to have three hundred and sixty degrees?”) and decorated with a cheerful selection of armour plating and anti-aircraft “friendship mechanisms” as well as electrified wiring to decorate the local area, clearly lighting up in lavender to delight the nightclubbers of Vauxhall whenever an escapee is caught on it.
“The visual presence is that of a beacon,” said Mr Susman, “a respectful icon representing the strength of the US-UK relationship. The shining city on the hill that all can aspire to one day visit.”
Lord Mandelson, however, was reportedly somewhat put out at the US plans, muttering something about Westminster now needing a “flying monkey cage” and “sharks with frickin’ laser beams.”