Category Archives: Finance

British business doomed as working week cut to 48 hours

DOWN T’ PIT, London EC1, Wednesday (NNN) — Business leaders were unanimous in their protest against the European Parliament vote to scrap the UK’s opt-out from the Working Time Directive.

smashing-bricks-with-your-forehead.jpeg“Workers should be free to work any seventy hours they choose. There is of course no element of coercion whatsoever in any workplace we could find, and we actually asked the proprietors of as many as two or three.”

They also noted the terrible effects such a ban would have on the hospitality industry, with the normal British worker no longer needing to down six pints in their three spare hours a week in order to regain the power of speech.

Alejandro Cercas, the Spanish Socialist Workers’ Party MEP who brought the vote, said the parliament’s 421-273 vote to end the opt-out would help create “a social Europe,” where all workers, jobs and pay packets would be interchangeable and indistinguishable and everyone could live in clean and spacious grey concrete blocks just as good as everyone else’s.

The NHS cautioned against the possibility of junior doctors no longer working 72-hour shifts, as having enough time off shift to be aware of their surroundings might lead to them realising what a hellhole they had signed up for.

Alan Duncan, the Shadow Business Secretary, attacked Gordon Brown for failing to control Labour’s MEPs. “The only way out of the recession is to allow workers an unimpeachable excuse to get the hell away from their families. British business will be unable to compete if individuals do not have the free and untrammeled choice to choose to slurp heartily at the anus of their undoubtedly charming and personable line manager for seventy hours in a week while being paid for forty.”

When it was pointed out that business leaders had said this about the five-day week, every health and safety rule ever written, the abolition of child labour and the abolition of slavery, he said “British business can’t possibly compete if it has to spend time thinking up new excuses.”

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Open verdict at Woolworths inquest

MENEZES, London EC1, Friday (NNN) — The jury has returned an open verdict at the inquest into the death of Woolworths, which people mistook for a viable company. It rejected the administrator Deloitte’s account that Woolworths was killed lawfully by two auditors who shot it seven times in the High Street.

Deloitte accountant zombie eats your braaainsNeville Kahn, a partner at Deloitte, said they had only been seeking to get the best value out of the stock and assets, and certainly hadn’t just been looking for a whacking bonus on selling the patient’s organs off, no no, with deep discounts on the last of the insufficiently cheap though quite nasty plastic crap, Irish pork, Haringey social workers, lesser Geldof daughters, copies of Virgin Killer and behind-the-counter cigarettes. And bloody pick and bloody mix.


Did receivers shout ‘armed accountants’? NO
Did difficulty in identifying the point of the company under surveillance lead to its death? NO
The pressure on auditors after the financial suicide attacks of late 2008? CANNOT DECIDE

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Commons the death had been a “most terrible mistake, which we deeply regret … Oh, we’re not talking about banks or financial services? Right-o, carry on then, blow the buggers’ brains out. I’m busy saving the world over here.”

The bullet-riddled corpse of the company will be sold off for parts. The stores have attracted the interest of Asda, Morrisons, Lidl, Poundland and Dixy Authhentiic Fired Cihcken. The name will, with economic deflation, become Wlths.

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Darling: “I haven’t done nearly enough to the economy”

GOSPLAN, Whitehall, Saturday (NNN) — Chancellor Alistair Darling has outlined future plans to subsidise the economy per Labour’s 1983 manifesto. “We can’t of course just seize control — we’ll entice them in. I’m sure we can come to a suitable synergy between the state and the chosen corporations.”

Peter Mandelson as DavrosPeter Mandelson graciously accepted the request to manage the operational aspects of the new command-and-control economy. “No company or sector can expect automatic bailout. We must evaluate likely winners. And see if they’ve been good boys and girls this year. I’m making a list, and I’m checking it twice.”

The lists are confidential. “No-one could leak the lists and not expect, say, an arrest by counter-terrorist police under the Official Secrets Act and a day or two of questioning while their home and office are searched. I speak entirely hypothetically, of course.”

Lord Mandelson clarified his earlier quote about becoming “filthy rich.” “What I said was that New Labour don’t care if you become filthy rich, as long as you pay your taxes. And remain dear, dear friends of ours.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the government was “working very closely with Barack Obama’s economic team,” producing a July 2008 photograph of himself with Mr Obama as evidence.

Labour increases taxes for everyone except you personally, honest

WINEHOUSE CASINO, 11 Downing Street, Tuesday (NNN) — Prime Ministerial glove-puppet Alistair Darling detailed Labour’s economic stimulus package today. “We must keep the economy moving. As usual, we will achieve this by recruiting more civil servants and shuffling taxes around. Quick, which shell’s the VAT under? We will also force banks to lend more without such rapacious antisocial considerations as ability to pay back the loans.”

Amy Winehouse gets the drinks in“The bank bailout was a mere coverup for the Labour government’s gross economic mismanagement during ten years of prosperity,” said David Cameron. “That sort of irresponsible capitalism, let run loose in a plague of free enterprise, would never have been allowed to happen under a Tory government … stop sniggering over there.”

“The Prime Minister is like a drunk who has woken to the most appalling hangover,” said Boris Johnson, “and who reaches for the whisky bottle to help him dull the pain.”

“Not to worry,” said Mr Darling, “we’re taxing the hell out of drink too.”

“The recession must take its course,” said shadow health spokesman Andrew Lansley. “Recession improves the moral fibre of the nation. People tend to smoke less, drink less alcohol, eat less rich food and spend more time at home with their families. They sit around the wireless in communal bonhomie, huddled for warmth and filled with the Blitz spirit, listening to the BBC Home Service, feeling reassured that all is right with the world once more and the BBC announcer is broadcasting wearing a dinner jacket.” Mr Darling responded with threats to put Lord Mandelson on Strictly Come Dancing.

The Metropolitan Police rejected plans to order 10,000 taser weapons for police on the beat, but said they may reconsider in the event of a Conservative government.

Darling on economy: “Tough titties”

PAGE 3, Financial Times, Friday (NNN) — Alistair Darling today admitted that the economy was disastrously seized up, with one in twelve London workers likely to lose their job.

Nigella Darling or Alistair LawsonAcross town, Nigella Lawson wore a low-cut dress revealing quite spectacular quantities of well-nourished breastage, with photos in all papers.

In the United States, Wall Street is melting away like Belloq’s face after Indy told him not to look in the Ark and Henry Paulson said he would not use the second $350 billion of the stimulus package, leaving the economy unpushed at a critical time and the Detroit car manufacturers on the verge of collapse.

In Australia, Nicola McLean’s breasts, which had undergone hyperinflation, were marvelously decorative and pointy and set off nicely by the other I’m A Celebrity bikini babes, Dani Behr and Carly Zucker, despite the influx of Robert Kilroy-Silk and kangaroo testicles.

Back in the UK, the economy is deflating, the banks have seized up, no-one is buying or selling houses and next week you’ll have to eat your shoes. And John Sergeant is a huge tit.

“But at least we’re not short of massive boobs,” said Mr Darling. “And call and vote on Strictly Come Dancing! Before the telly’s repossessed.”

Mandelson: “The audacity of post”

CHEQUE IN THE MAIL, Down The Back Of The Couch, last month (NNN) — Peter Mandelson is formulating plans for the Post Office™ to keep itself relevant to the modern world by developing new areas of business.

Never fear, Mandy is here“Lord Mandelson believes in the future of the Post Office™,” said Lord Mandelson. Royal Mail employees have been cautioned that garlic and silver crosses are not considered part of the postal uniform.

Plans include financial and government services and providing pictures for new passports and ID cards. “We can bring the poor in,” said Baron von Mandelson, “photograph them, take a DNA sample, tattoo the bar code on their foreheads and send them off to an efficiently stacked Post Office™ Council Cardboard Box, fitted with broadband. The bubble wrap provides excellent soundproofing and insulation. The journey through the sorting machine is not unreasonable in the circumstances.”

TV and vehicle licensing will be brought back into the network, and expanded to computer licensing. “Licensing and tracking every personal computer in the country is vital to saving rural services. We can also charge a mere 1p per email, travelling through the secured and monitored Home Office network, to fund these important focal points for local communities.”

Other plans include the supply of ice cream, fizzy drinks, petrol and lager. The Post Office™ will also be part of the Department of Health’s War On Obesity. “The gum on the back of stamps has been especially enhanced with a Xenical-based chemical, to promote an efficient dietary regime.”

Suggestions that the Post Office™ get into the business of physical delivery of letters and parcels were greeted with a perplexed snort of laughter.

Alan Greenspan: “whoops sorry lol”

GLASS CRATER, Wall Street, Thursday (NNN) — The former Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, has conceded that the global financial crisis has exposed a “mistake” in the free market ideology which guided his 18-year stewardship of US monetary policy.

Fountainhead Earth by A. Yn Rand, starring Alan Greenspan“I’m in shocked disbelief,” said Greenspan, 82. “When you set up the market so it rewards sociopathically greedy short-term behavior, you end up with lunatic fraudsters playing the system so hard they break it. Who’da thunk?”

The US treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, admitted he ought to have anticipated a meltdown in the US mortgage industry, considering he was working at a company furiously pushing sub-prime mortgages. “I’m not saying I would have done anything differently,” he added, leaving people wondering quite what his point was.

“I’m very troubled by all this,” said Greenspan. “I’ll have to go back and reread Fountainhead Earth until the doubt calms. I don’t understand where Ayn Rand led me astray.

“But I did discover a new book last week. Have you heard of it? Dianetics. Absolutely fascinating.”

Analysts: credit crunch caused by the poor

PUNDITS’ CORNER, G.W. Bush Sewage Processing Plant, Friday (NNN) — Analysis of the global financial crisis reveals that the root cause is not stupendous bets on toxic deals, raw naked greed, cocaine-induced septicaemia, tertiary syphilis or mad cow disease amongst bankers. It’s because of all the poor people signing up for mortgages.

Daisy Duke, Black Widow of the Credit Crunch“It’s true that we got into trouble by bundling mortgage securities that only held their value and made profits so long as enough poor people signed on to get screwed,” said Dick Fold of Lehman Brothers. “But you just don’t understand the intense psychological pull poor people have on rich folks! They can make the world’s hardest, meanest, most ruthless CEOs, who’ve spent years honing the fine arts of profit-making, part with good money on a whim and hand it to a bunch of irresponsible, check-bouncing layabouts!”

America’s 499 billionaires controlled $1.4 trillion in assets, until the poor people caused the catastrophic market failures of the past month.

“It’s lending to minorities that did it,” said Neil Cavuto of Fox News. “You lend to those people, the country collapses. Fwoosh! I understand ACORN was involved in it, too. Which means it’s Obama’s fault. Unsurprisingly. I don’t really understand these ‘credit default swap’ things, but I can tell a bad credit risk just looking at him. Or her, of course — it’s Hillary’s fault too.”

“It ain’t that hard,” explained sub-prime mortgage defaulter Cletus J. Underclass. “Y’got mortgages, they make a stream o’ money. Y’kin call that stream an asset with a value. Y’bundle up them ‘assets.’ Y’bet on that there bundle bein’ good an’ ever’one payin’. Y’bet on that bet bein’ good. Y’sell that bet for trillions o’ bucks an’ make billions in bonuses. Ah spend mah money on Budweiser, NASCAR and good weed this month instead of the mortgage, mah buds do the same, the whole pile falls over, yer all fucked. And AH AIN’T SORRY! Fuck you and yer buds! New York assholes! Whoo-eee! Can’t wait to do it again next time! Y’all come back now!”

“Damn that Cletus and his siren call,” sobbed Fold. “If only he’d call me back.”

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Brown: No compromise on Icelandic terrorism

ALÞING, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — President Gordon W. Brown has declared there will be “no compromise” on Icelandic terrorist attacks on British money.

Gotcha!Icelandic terrorism has brought the City to its knees. London transport and council rubbish collection has stopped because of the Icelanders having all their money. Police response has been hampered by the Icelanders having all their money. Their terrorist leader Geir bin Haarde is rumoured to be hiding in terrorist volcanic caves near Reykjavík, sleeping on a great big terrorist bed made of British money.

“They come over here,” said Mr Brown, “and sell us cut-price frozen foods, run very hard TV quiz shows and sing incomprehensible airy-fairy gibberish with a terrible hairdo. We will respond with the Mother Of All Diplomatic Protests!”

Icelandic business assets have been frozen, Icelanders’ money is being shipped to Guantánamo Bay and Björk and Sigur Rós have been required to participate in Eurovision. “Together!”

Mr Brown warned: “This could have dire consequences for our nation. But we must stand firm even in the face of a new cod war.”

Smaller institutions seek Treasury assistance

WALL ALLEY, East Cheam, Tuesday (NNN) — The global financial crisis may require a multi-billion pound injection of public money over coming days. Smaller institutions are now seeking help, such as the First National Bank of East Cheam.

Million pound noteFounded by Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam earlier this month, the bank has put in urgent asset warnings with the Treasury. “Holdings are way down. Our assets are incredibly leveraged. Capital ratio’s buggered. Our, er, co-la-ta-rul-ised debt obligations have us tied in knots. In knots! It’s a tragedy, it is.”

Mr Busybody has urged the Treasury to mount a rescue package immediately for the bank. “If we go under, whoosh! It’d collapse the East Cheam banking sector. All them widows and orphans! You wouldn’t believe it, honestly you wouldn’t. Interbank lending’s collapsed. I can’t get any of ’em to cough up an overnight liquidity loan. Spare us five million quid, mate? Just till tomorrow. I’ll be good for it. With Treasury backing.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling responded to Mr Busybody’s pleas with an offer to send Peter Mandelson around to discuss the matter. “Oh, er, that’s all right then, we’ll be fine, fine. Sorrytotroubleyou I’lljustgonow.”

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