Category Archives: Finance

Microsoft discontinues MS Money

BAGHDAD, Seattle, Wednesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft is discontinuing its Microsoft Money personal finance management product.

Bill Gates, Satellite BumIn a press release touting the third annual MSN Money “Customer Service Hall of Shame and Hall of Fame,” Microsoft was first place for shame, followed by XBox at number two and Windows Live Search at number three.

“It’s a mix of what’s going on in the market,” said marketing marketer Adam Sohn, “what makes sense for long-term for us and a little bit on consumer behavior. We have of course notified both customers.”

Other Microsoft products discontinued this year include OneNote, MSN Groups, Office Accounting, Office Live, PerformancePoint Server, the Origami netbook, the Microsoft Business Intelligence Conference, the company picnic and five thousand employees. Though they’re still spending $100 million to advertise the Microsoft Bob Hope search engine.

The associated MSN MoneyCentral site provides Web content to help users manage their personal finances. “The site will continue,” said Mr Sohn, “as a resource for customers looking to manage their finances. We’ll be including lots of tie-in information from our Encarta encyclopedia.” A staffer frantically tried to get Mr Sohn’s attention at this point.

In keeping with the Great Recession and Microsoft’s financial prospects in the last year, the software will be rebranded and reissued as Microsoft Debt.

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UK economy to be revived through lure of the forbidden

CYBERSPICE, Brass Eye, Saturday (NNN) — Children’s charities are backing a private member’s bill proposed by Baroness Massey to make Internet-based retailers run age verification checks.

Lord PedobearA check on twelve sites found that thorough checks were not being done. “You can buy a case of vintage Burgundy online from France without supplying fingerprints, driver’s license and a DNA sample!” said Baroness Massey. “This sort of thing is clearly responsible for juvenile delinquency and teenage knife crime, as heated discussions over the best pinot noir of the last decade come to blows.”

The move is expected to boost the economy. “It is too easy for children to buy alcohol, knives and violent video games online. If we make it harder, this will make it enticing.”

In a supervised test, a 16-year-old boy bought pre-paid credit cards and then went online to see if he could buy knives, drink, age-restricted DVDs, games and pornographic website subscriptions. The youth cautioned that insufficient data had been gathered and they definitely needed to do another six to twelve months’ testing before he could give any reliable conclusions as to what he had managed to obtain. And a two-terabyte USB hard drive. And a faster Internet connection.

“Our efforts to keep children safe are being seriously undermined by these ‘internet’ arseholes,” said Zoe fucking Hilton, publicity-with-menaces advisor for the NSPCfuckingC, weighing in as usual. “Any retailer we don’t like is a pack of fucking paedos and I hope they fucking die horribly. Cunts. But they can reassure us of their bona fides by giving the NSPCC money. Usual bank account, thanks. That’ll do nicely.”

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Banks fail Scientology “stress test”

REHABILITATION PROJECT FORCE, Hemet Gold Base, Friday (NNN) — Ten of America’s largest 19 banks have failed the stringent economic “stress tests” based on the teachings of Dianetics.

Tomato auditing L. Ron HubbardSenior investigators from the Office of the Treasury (“Big OTs”) found that, considered as thetans, the banks were too weighed down with engrams, from this and past lives, and the engrams of the many “sub-prime thetans” still attached to them.

The test involves financial executives holding the “cans” in a firm grip while answering questions such as:

2. When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?
8. Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?
23. Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do?
24. Is it normally hard for you to “own up and take the blame”?
30. Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates?
59. Do you consider the modern prisons without bars system “doomed to failure”?
76. Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you?
124. Do you often make tactless blunders?
125. Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

“The economy’s been like a volcano that’s about to blow,” said US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “Our hope is that banks can get back to the business of banking, staying upstat and producing Valuable Final Product, to lift the cloud of uncertainty.”

Analysts broadly welcomed the results of the stress tests. “The IQ test seems to have been very accurate,” said Eric Kuby of North Star Investment Management. “The fears of entheta and the influence of suppressive persons have more or less disappeared.”

The current Federal Reserve system was set up in the 1950s as the result of a bet between Alan Greenspan and L. Ron Hubbard.

Police valiantly save London from brutal anarchist attack

KEEP SHOPPING, And Avoid Panic Buying, Wednesday (NNN) — After weeks of police warnings about the smelly hippie anarchists coming to the City to destroy your entire way of life, tens of protestors descended on Liverpool Street Station yesterday to save the world from capitalism.

Police toiletAlthough the demonstrations were quiet, police reported sudden tremendous violence from the protestors after the mainstream media had given up and gone home. “There were distorted reports and completely faked phone videos in the troublemaker blogs that the police were starting stuff,” said Metropolitan Police chief Luckless Cipher, “but it was just us protecting civilisation from these scum. Acting up when they thought no-one was watching. Fake blood and stuff. Terrible.”

The most danger was apparently from an anarchist group known as the Space Hijackers who had come to make their feelings felt through the medium of street theatre. “We dealt with that quick smart, let me tell you. One minute street theatre, next minute dirty bomb chemical jihad attacks! You mark my words.

“And we got these really cool trucks, too. They’re big and black and armoured and have speakers on the top. Fantastic! You can blast away these bloody hippies, er, violent and vicious anarchist attackers.”

Property damage included a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland, although the burning effigy of Sir Fred Goodwin appeared to be being hoisted by a group of normal suburban families on a day out.

Sir Luckless reiterated the need for strong policing. “Forget these ‘statistics’ showing crime going down year on year for the last two decades. Read your Daily Mail. It’s a jungle out there! You need us! More of us! To serve and protect!”

In the meantime, the G20 meeting has decided to leave the environment for a later meeting and France and Germany won’t agree with the US and UK on the economy, so the most important matter left to deal with will be how to keep the ACTA treaty secret and arrest all the filesharers.

Credit crisis caused by “blue people with white eyes”

BIG BLUE DONG, Mars, thirty-five minutes ago (NNN) — Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, president of Brazil, said the global financial crisis was caused by “blue people with white eyes.”

Dr Manhattan and the Big Blue DongHe made the remark after the nuclear annihilation of major financial centres around the globe by people who thought they were glowing superhumans made of pure energy.

“This is a crisis that was caused by blue people with white eyes. And before the crisis, they looked as if they knew everything about everything. A crisis that has come from the United States and Europe, but is affecting our country.”

Following the meeting, incredibly handsome, intelligent, pretty and noble international finance reporter Robert Peston Veidt sighed and said he would solve the crisis. “I’m going to ask the G20 summit next week to support a global expansion of trade finance of at least $100 billion to help revive trade in all parts of the world,” he said. “I can throw in about half myself out of pocket change, manufactured from nothingness by my truly remarkable IQ.”

Rumours of an odd-looking fellow in trench coat and hat seeking out Sir Fred Goodwin in order to break his fingers one by one could not be confirmed.

Fred Goodwin’s house vandalised

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, London EC1, Wednesday (NNN) — Sir Fred Goodwin’s house and car in the Grange, Edinburgh have been attacked by vandals.

Bomb-throwing capitalistRevelers queued for several hours for the opportunity of a piece of the action. Two scenes-of-crime officers from the Scottish Police Services Authority kept the crowd orderly. Neighbours, who said Sir Fred had not been seen there for weeks, did a roaring trade in rotten tomatoes and cabbages and bits of wood with a nail through the end.

Sir Fred is assumed to be overseas, reportedly hiding out with a false beard under an assumed name in a market stall in Marrakesh.

Lothian and Borders Police said that officers were acquiring CCTV footage and carrying out door-to-door inquiries in the neighbourhood. “Our inquiries are at an early stage and we are appealing for anyone with information about this incident to contact us. We’re looking at OBEs for the participants and recommending a knighthood for the organiser.”

The attack is considered likely to presage similar activity in the London G20 meeting protests planned for early April. Barack Obama, who will be attending, called on protestors to take action in an orderly and civilised manner. “Torching houses and smashing cars creates a horrific waste in spent carbon. All these materials can be recycled and used again. The same goes for the bankers — reusing their organs is a lot more socially responsible than tearing their guts out and hanging them from streetlights. What would Al Gore do? I beg you, think of the planet.”

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“The Scottish Job” cliffhanger solved

THE MEMORY HOLE, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The ringleaders of a gang of bank robbers who operated with impunity for years have been brought to account before a Treasury Select Committee.

Royal Bank of Scotland cliffhangerTom “Orange” McKillop, Andy “Pretty Boy” Hornby and Fred “Nosecutter” Goodwin of the “RBS Massive” led a vast criminal conspiracy dedicated to skimming off huge amounts of dosh through veiled threats of “dat’s a very noice small business you got dere, shame if its cashflow got buggered, innit,” “loans” to shadow “property” and “construction” companies they owned large chunks of, and a twisty maze of Excel spreadsheets.

They and their lieutenants took for themselves more “bonuses” every time they destroyed more economic value from their hideout in the industrial wastelands of London EC1.

The gang members were severely tutted at by Alistair Darling and the Financial Services Authority. The criminals having apologised, this is expected to be an end to the matter, as is standard for jawdropping bank heists. They have also undertaken not to leech off any more cash. This year. Probably.

“Hang on a minute, lads, I’ve got a great idea!” said Gordon Brown at Davos last fortnight.

Republican group to campaign against Republican stimulus backers

THE RABBIT HOLE, Isengard, Tuesday (NNN) — The National Republican Trust will be financially supporting primary opponents of any Republican Senator or Congressman who votes for President Obama’s $800 billion economic stimulus package.

Satellite bum“We can’t have people passing bills just because they’re a good idea,” said director Scott Wheeler. “Working with others goes against everything we were elected for.

“Giving people money like this rewards failure. Taking away bankers’ bonuses turns this crisis into a catastrophe for them. We need to keep them trickling down on people.

“You have to remember, this bill’s backed by the gay-married Muslim Kenyan Frenchman who stole the Presidency from us in a liberal media conspiracy landslide. Who’s to say what the stimulus package is really for? ACORN, birth control advocates and Hollywood, that’s who! Who’s the real Stimulus Package?”

“People are hurting right now,” said Mr Obama, “but we hope to hold off the worst with targeted spending, keep the money flowing around and build up infrastructure for the future. You don’t want to think how bad things could get.”

“You betcha!” said Governor Sarah Palin, preparing for her 2012 run at the Presidency.

WEF moots Cthulhu-led recovery

The World Economic Forum in Davos is discussing a Cthulhu-led financial recovery.

Bring Me The Head Of Iggle-Piggle“Britain is uniquely placed to lead this effort,” said Gordon Brown, “with the horrifying necessities being explained to the public by such televisual works as In The Night Garden. Adults will be driven to spend more time at work to get away from the mind-twisting horrors and their children will be properly indoctrinated in the cult of the Great Old Ones.

“Yes, my name is Great Cthulhu
Ia! Ia! Fhtagn gruh R’Lyeh!
Come to eat your mind and dreams too
Ia! Ia! Fhtagn’nagl gruh!”

sang Mr Brown.

“As their souls are consumed,” he said, “the workers’ semi-animate bodies can continue to go through the motions necessary to keeping the economic machinery fed. The surplus unemployed will make fine appetisers. You cannot kill that which has no life.”

Peter Mandelson then started a video showing strange multicoloured puppet creatures assembling and dancing frenetically, their incomprehensible eldritch chanting in an unknown tongue to a chorus of unearthly tritone-filled music growing faster and more anguished for three full hours until ending in a long, terrible chorus of howls, while brightly coloured lights flash on a gazebo and a toy train and farting blimp circle about. “Ipsy, upsy, Daisy Doo!” he added.

Nicolas Sarkozy objected, stressing French post-modernist philosophy’s powers to exterminate all rational thought. Angela Merkel offered up German porn. The Japanese merely smiled quietly.

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Microsoft calls for government bailout

SKID ROW, Redmond, Friday (NNN) — Microsoft Corporation is headed for swingeing layoffs in mid-January after the failure of its stock buyback program, and has called for a government bailout in the face of the credit crunch.

Bill Gates, Satellite Bum“Vastly popular operating systems like Vista just aren’t selling,” said marketing marketer emeritus Bill Gates, “and it’s all because people aren’t confident to spend their money. In fact, they didn’t start buying it in 2007 because they were expecting this even then. A subsidy to buy good, honest American computer operating systems is essential to the health of the economy, or my part of it.”

Should the Big One of American virtual office supplies fail, economists predict that it could free up millions of dollars in business spending and provide a devastating boost to an economy reeling from the impact of the credit crunch.

Hiring in most Microsoft divisions has frozen in the last six months and 30GB Zunes are already on suicide watch. “The workload’s impossible to keep up with,” said blog technical evangelist Gary M. Stewart. “I’ve even been answering Slashdot comments on Boycott Novell. It’s impossible to keep track of! Anyway, you’re just another Twitter sockpuppet. Or Mini-Microsoft. Admit it.”

Additional bailouts have been hooked on the bill as riders for HD-DVD, eight-track cartridges, 78rpm gramophones and Babbage analytical engine gear manufacturers.

Senators have stated they will only bail the company out with a change in top management. “What the shit,” said Linus Torvalds as his draft notice arrived.

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