PUBLIC ENEMA, The Hit Parade, Thursday (N! News) — James Blunt’s Back To Bedlam was the UK’s biggest-selling album of the 2000s, objectively establishing the final death of pop music after fifty years.

The 2000s were the decade of falling record sales, plummeting profits for the six five four major labels, a number one single requiring only a few thousand downloads as opposed to a hundred thousand physical records twenty-five years earlier and a race to the bottom by the music industry to come up with something, anything, so horrifyingly insipid and stupid as to destroy instantly the mind of anyone exposed to it, like a saccharine Cthulhu, in the quest to find a sufficiently common lowest denominator.

Pop has been replaced in popular youth affection with DVDs, games, Internet pornography, White Lightning, stabbing each other and filling in applications to join al-Qaeda after accidental exposure to James Blunt.

The record industry blames the downfall of pop on the Internet, MP3s, USB hard disks, fanzines, cassettes, radio and player pianos rather than, e.g., James Blunt. The fragmentation of tastes, where people can easily learn of and obtain music they actually like rather than whatever bilge the record companies deign to serve up, is considered a serious problem in need of firm resolution.

Peter Mandelson reassured the record industry that the Digital Britain bill would keep the future firmly reined in and reinstate the culture industries’ tap in the wallets of the young for the benefit of the entire country, or a small portion thereof. “Remember, home taping is killing music! But not James Blunt. You cannot kill that which does not live.”

COCODAMOL, Channel 4, Saturday (N! News) — After Big Brother producers targeted amputee soldiers, the Army Benevolent Fund has made a counter-proposal to lock Endemol executives up together under the watchful eye.

The plan will see suitably respected upper management, voted in by their employees, placed together in the house with a limited quantity of food and water, to be shared amongst themselves according to strict Randian principles of creativity and objective value. A second, secret house will contain weaponry and vodka. In a hilarious twist, the weaponry will be defective and blind anyone who tries firing it. Similarly, the vodka will be contaminated with methanol and a powerful laxative. An antidote (obviously impossible) will be promised by Big Brother should the blinded housemate be able to convince any of the other housemates to sodomise them using shredded quarterly profit statements as lubrication.

“This is television the whole family could enjoy,” said Annabelle Fuller of the Army Benevolent Fund. When asked whether it would actually attract viewers, Ms Fuller said “Who cares?” The ABF also expects to save considerable money on cameras.

The voice of Big Brother will be played by Charlie Brooker, who is very sorry indeed for his unfortunately accurate powers of prognostication, and will commence writing TV Come Home, a series of fictional television listings in which the stuff being broadcast is elevating, redeeming and doesn’t make you want to kill everyone just in case.

WHAT HO BLUD, Ldn, Tuesday (N! News) — Lily Allen has renounced Facebook, Twitter, pontificating or considering herself as having anything to say worth hearing in a bid to gain “a life.”

Once one of the music world’s most prolific shite-babblers and patron saint of the nightsoil cart industry, the 24-year old mockney mock-rapper bravely declared her conversion to becoming a “neo-Clueite.”

“I just had this revelation that talking unmitigated bollocks about anything I didn’t understand, that being everything, was becoming a total addiction, when the entire world and its dog started actually explaining to me how I was a fuckwit in point-by-point detail when I was being a fuckwit. I was so addicted I was even copy-and-pasting other fuckwits’ fuckwittery. So I put my BlackBerry, my laptop and my idiot opinions in a box and gaffer tape over my mouth,” she signed.

The singer also vowed to take two years off music, despite popular opinion she had spent the previous five years off music. She explained that the bollocks she had spewed previously about filesharing had only been at the behest of Peter Mandelson, who thought it would make a good excuse.

She added that she is happier with her body image, so even if she won’t talk she’ll still be slipping nipples like an exhibitionist possessed. “I’ve suffered a lot over my body image. Now it’s your turn. An exhibitionist pain in the arse has to have some outlet. LOOK! TITS!”

SOHO SQUARE, Hammersmith, Sunday (Columbia) — Following one of the biggest battles in the history of the UK Singles Chart, Sony BMG have beaten Sony BMG to achieve the UK’s official Christmas number one.

Artists signed to the label have taken the festive top spot for four years in a row. A Facebook campaign backing the record company aimed to stop another song on the label reaching the Christmas number one spot once again.

Sony BMG-signed guitarist Tom Morello said the campaign had “tapped into the silent majority of the people in the UK who are tired of being spoon-fed one schmaltzy ballad after another” and who can now buy a vastly superior download of insubstantial computerised bits and bytes from the same company. “They’re taking a stand against mindless music by buying it like they were told to.”

He said their victory looked back to such great Sony BMG artists as the Clash, as opposed to those EMI sellouts the Sex Pistols. “It’s like when Bill Clinton got to the White House and they played Fleetwood Mac. It said ‘We’ve made it.’ Man. The young people of today must be so excited!”

Meanwhile, free downloads continued to increase in line with Moore’s Law and the growth of live music as opposed to canned. Sony BMG’s victory remained news for almost three hours before this week’s inexplicable second-string celebrity heart attack took over Twitter and everyone proclaimed how they’d always loved whoever it was. Simon Cowell has tipped Finland’s Lordi as hot prospects for next year’s X-Factor. Next year’s Facebook campaign will be to get this year’s Joe McElderry single to number one.

THE WHORELY ARMS, Primrose Hill, Monday (N! News) — Formerly talented singer Amy Winehouse spent Sunday night in hospital, reportedly falling ill after her blood medication level dropped below saturation levels.

“Amy took an over-the-toilet-sink preparation for a cold,” said some money-grubbing scrote willing to make up complete bollocks for a journalist, “or something to do with her nose, anyway. But evidently she ran short. She’s making damn sure this never happens again.”

The singer recently had her breasts replaced with cyborg implants containing laser cannons, a GPS tracker to find her way home from the pub and a paparazzi detector that automatically exposes them to camera lenses. She has reportedly been considering a second boob job to get back the figure she had before becoming a drug hoover, buttock implants, brain implants and clue implants, though there is fear her personality may reject these. She has been working on resculpting her nose from the inside, as well as scribbling on designer freckles with a sharpie.

She is also planning a children’s doll based on her new polymer bodywork. “I think I’m a role model for young girls these days,” she said. “They act a lot like me, especially on Saturday nights.”

Ms Winehouse is currently recording her third album, evidently by phone.

SKANKIES, Dependençia, Friday (NNN) — Rachel Christie, 21, winner of the Miss England beauty pageant, has had to retire from the title after a defeat in a nightclub brawl with Miss Manchester, Sara Jones, 24.

Miss Christie displayed the skills that led to her being crowned the queen of English womanhood and a suitable role-model for the flower of British youth by getting into a public nightclub punch-up with Miss Jones over “what that facking slut done with my boyfriend,” David McIntosh, a slab of beefcake famous for beating up other beefcake on Sky.

Miss Christie had made an excellent showing in the contest in the Vicious Catfight With Sharpened Heel contest, with the judges being particularly impressed with her underarm swing. Miss Jones had done surprisingly well in the contest with the Puking In Handbag After Ill-Considered 4am Kebab section, as well as the Falling Unconscious In A Skip round. Miss Christie was reportedly upset over Miss Jones’ “ten out of ten” showing in the Dangerously Psychotic Arsehole Bitch section after Miss Jones had broken into Mr McIntosh’s house and scrawled “SLAG” on the mirror in Miss Christie’s makeup.

Miss Christie has been replaced as Miss England by the runner-up, Lance Corporal Katrina “Combat Barbie” Hodge, 22, who says she knows better than to enter any Manchester nightclub without a rocket launcher. She also finds that people, male or female, are very polite and nice to her in pretty much all circumstances.

“Rachel will now concentrate on training for the 2012 Olympics,” her public relations people said today, “where she hopes for gold in the Case Of Alcopops Relay and the Shagging That Cow’s Boyfriend Herpathlon.”

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