Category Archives: Entertainment

US military bans icky nasty game

SLIGHT INDISPOSITION STAR, Communal States of America, Saturday (NTN) — Medal of Honor, a popular video game that lets you play as the unAmerican team, has been banned from US military bases as “insensitive.”

After moral panics, including from UK Defense Secretary Liam Fotherington-Thomas — who issued official condemnation of the game as “horrid” — US military officials decided not to stock the game in the nearly 300 base exchange shops.

“This game is disgusting and violent,” said Maj. Gen. Bruce Casella, “and gives the impression that our actions in Afghanistan involve dangerous weaponry and people getting hurt. We cannot risk such appalling propaganda reaching our lovely soldiers and their delicate psyches.”

General Casella announced a new version of America’s Army, in which US soldiers go to the fictional country of Wartornistan, and sing songs, dance to psychedelic rock and paint flowers on tanks. Usually opium poppies.

Electronic Arts, makers of Medal of Honor, responded with plans to make a version of America’s Army in which you can play either the hippies or the troops at Kent State.

Plagiarism is not plagiarism, says plagiarist

LA CARTE, Le territoire, Wednesday (Le Monde Petit) — Michel Houellebecq has angrily denounced as “incompetents” anyone noticing that large chunks of his latest novel Messieurs, démarrez vos photocopieurs were directly lifted from Wikipedia.

The book, published last week, was acclaimed as a “work of genius” by the newspaper Libération. “Specifically,” it noted, “other people’s genius.”

“If these people really think that passing off other people’s work as one’s own is ‘plagiarism,'” said Mr Houellebecq, “they haven’t got the first notion of what literature is. Taking other people’s stuff and making money from it is part of my method. It’s a form of beauty, money.”

Unlike his previous books, the new one contains no attacks on Islam and no overt misogyny, though it does note that BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL.[citation nécessaire] However, its neutrality and notability have been questioned.

“Using a big word like ‘plagiarism’ always causes some damage,” he complained. “There will now be people who think I’m the sort of person who takes other people’s work uncredited, just because I take other people’s work uncredited.”

Mr Houellebecq has angrily withdrawn from publicity for the novel to concentrate on his next original work, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

Wikileaks reveals that Snape killed Dumbledore

WILD WEST END, Baker Street, Sunday (NTN) — The online encyclopedia Wikileaks stands accused of revealing the ending of The Mousetrap, recklessly endangering the income of Agatha Christie’s descendants.

Snape is not impressed“My grandmother always got upset if the plots of her books or plays were revealed in reviews,” said Matthew Prichard, who personally put in the years of hard-working effort one would expect it to take to accumulate the stream of income from the play when it was given to him as a ninth birthday present, “and I don’t think that a site whose purpose is supplying encyclopedic information just going and supplying encyclopedic information is any different as far as my money is concerned. They should go and get real jobs, like decent working people. But it’s not a question of money, or anything like that.”

The article on The Mousetrap reveals that Vader is Luke’s father, Rosebud was Kane’s sled, Kristin shot J.R. and Snape in turn was killed by John Seigenthaler. And something about a war in Afghanistan and shooting journalists.

The encyclopedia does, however, include a comprehensive spoiler warning, noting that they use the forward motion of a car to push it down, helping the tyres grip the road better — thus slowing the car down, rather than speeding it up. Barryboys across east London pointed out the unreliability of Wikileaks as a source and questioned the veracity of the references.

Home from Afghanistan by 2014 after the all-night rave

FAÇ 51, Kunduz, Monday (NTN) — Battle-weary soldiers are successfully winning hearts, minds and DJ playoffs in Afghanistan with stupendous quantities of MDMA.

Lil’ Kim in a burqa and bikiniThe drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be “ecstasy,” allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to “open up more,” put aside their differences and unite in the spirit of cosmic human oneness.

“MDMA seems to bring people into the optimal zone and help them process things and not be overwhelmed by their feelings,” said Dr Michael Mithoefer, whose scientific studies never seem to be short on volunteers. The study required overnight stays and all-day therapy sessions, at a steady and relaxing 105 to 110 beats per minute.

The drug problem in Afghanistan remains severe, however, with reports of people’s ketamine drinks being contaminated with aloe vera. President Hamid Karzai has asked for $13 billion in aid, but notes that an E, or even two, is way cheaper than a night on the piss.

The next field of action for the Army will be back home in the UK, where the Ministry of Sound’s attempted extortion letters to alleged downloaders via ACS Law will be dealt with in a thorough, professional and, most of all, conclusive manner by several thousand squaddies somewhat annoyed at them harshing their mellow.

Amy Winehouse to branch out into music

BACK IN THE BLACK, Camden High Street, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity gossip star Amy Winehouse will diversify her career to something to do with music, she told incredulous reporters today.

Amy Winehouse in the peak of mental health and alertness“I’ve always felt a musical urge,” she said today, “humming tunes to myself as I snorted the streets of Camden clean. It’s gunna have these ‘songs’ on it, right. We’ll put on about a record’s worth. Yeah. I’m gunna make these noises, right, with my mouth, over the top of the music. I know, it sounds weird, but it could be really good! Prob’ly!”

Miss Winehouse is famed as the “go-to” celebrity for the paparazzo down on his quota, having worked extensively with the finest terrible tattooists and plastic surgeons to make her image instantly recognisable.

“In fact, I actually made a record several years ago,” she claimed to laughter from the assembled journalists. “I wouldn’t expect people to remember back that far, of course.”

Professor Richard Dawkins spoke out against “pop music charlatanry.” “These people expect to take our money for the most transparent of lies, such as Amy Winehouse having anything whatsoever to do with music. If you have evidence that Amy Winehouse has anything to do with music, why not show it and be hailed as the new Einstein? Of course, we know you cannot — because you are a fraud.

“Still, I’ll credit them for not trying to claim Cheryl Cole had anything to do with music. That would simply be ridiculous.”

Mark Owen of Take That gets drunk and laid a lot

TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — Take That star Mark Owen last night sensationally confessed to having been caught by The Sun shagging his dick off and getting stupendously pissed in the process.

Take That with naked bottomsThe “squeaky clean” multi-millionaire singer opened his heart to his tabloid blackmailers in a bid to wipe the slate clean and start afresh with Gary Barlow. He broke the news of his cheating to Barlow, surrogate mother of the band.

“I am deeply disappointed,” said Barlow. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s that Williams cunt.”

The singer blamed enormous sums of money and huge fame for the opportunity to shag most things in a skirt with a pulse, leading millions of the chart-topping band’s adoring fans, who are now generally of legal age, to conclude that a bit of Take That cock is actually an achievable possibility.

“I have been an idiot, a dickhead,” said Owen, “to let a tabloid catch me at it. On the other hand, advertising my openness to several bits on the side will be good future marketing for when I’m in the mood for a handy bit of disposable totty. Also, I can afford much higher quality alcohol than almost everyone,” he said, raising a glass of shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck champagne. “Drink?”

Owen and wife Emma married in a Scottish castle last October, watched by smiling bandmates Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and Jason Orange, Robbie Williams having been left gaffer-taped naked to a lamp post with his cock painted red on the buck’s night.

BBC Trust happy to leave Mark Thompson twisting in the wind

WREATH NETWORK, Television Outskirts, Wednesday (MSBBC) — BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons has said “public concern” over 6 Music and the Asian Network may give the Trust a golden opportunity to throw director general Mark Thompson under a bus.

Kill your televisionPlans to close the stations, available via download, DAB Radio, tooth fillings, necromancy and the rantings of schizophrenic tramps on street corners, have outraged millions of Britons (reported by Sky News as 80,000), approximately five times as many as have mastered the technical wizardry and sequence of Masonic handshakes necessary to actually listen to 6 Music.

The music industry has also spoken out, though 6 Music staff thanked Lily Allen for her comments in support and asked her to please stop trying to be “helpful.”

The proposals will go through a public consultation before the Trust tells Thompson he is a drooling incompetent and that the Tories won’t like a crawler either. “Like Murdoch will actually give the twat the Sky job he’s after,” said Sir Michael. “Christ, why didn’t we keep Dyke. At least he didn’t actually try to actively sabotage the place.”

Mr Thompson is expected to meet with union leaders later, who say 600 people could lose their jobs. There is concern that Marc Riley could start making records again.

PlayStation 3 trounces Xbox 360 for reliability

GUTEN TAG, Wii Geht’s, Monday (NTN) — Sony has proudly announced a Playstation 3™ Holiday™, where all users are advised to go outside and play in the sunshine. “Have some fun! Talk to a human! Party like it’s December 31st, 1999! Amazing 3D rendering!”

The company had long battled in public perception with Microsoft’s Xbox 360 and its enthusiastic customer base, many of whom were onto their second or third 360. “Their turnover has been incredible. Doing at least as well is a matter of honour.”

Sony has also given the PlayStation Network a well-deserved break, its fifteen subscribers being encouraged to partake of the joys of meditation and deep contemplation of the nature of reality and solitude. “Cancelling your Trophy Data teaches that all is maya, or illusion. Through reliving the 2000s on your PlayStation again, you have been given a fresh chance to attempt to transcend this immaterial plane and reach … Nerdvana.”

The Full-Motion Vacation™ has been extended to developer debug console machines. “There’s enough games. Really, how many games do you need.”

Sony have not announced an end date for the “much-needed” break, but hope people will enjoy it. “Read a book! Watch TV! Count on your fingers! To 8,001,050! Or whatever it is you people do! … How about a nice game of chess?”

Derby commuter hell named after Lara Croft

SOFT SQUARE, Suburban Bedroom, Friday (NTN) — An impossibly uninteresting stretch of ring road in Derby is to be named after a 3D computer animation with ludicrously-rendered breasts.

Lolo Ferrari’s somewhat disturbing First Life avatarThe new stretch from Osmaston Road to Burton Road will be named after the aristocrat and archaeologist Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, who Toby Gard of Core Design in Derby created by taking an already anatomically-dubious rendering of Neneh Cherry as Tank Girl and then “accidentally” increasing the breasts by 150%, before giggling nasally and nipping off to the bogs to masturbate himself raw.

“Lara Croft was created in Derby,” said councillor Lucy Care, cribbing from Wikipedia, “and deserves to stand with other famous icons of Derby, such as, er, I’ll get back to you.”

89% of automated poll-spamming bots run by fat, unloved, misogynistic and somewhat cat-piss-smelling gamers around the world voted for the name, immortalising Lara Croft in the form of a monument to commuter frustration and carbon monoxide inhalation over wasted hours of human life, dripping away second by second, to taunt the mostly middle-aged males stuck in said traffic with the prospect of perfect, bouncy, computer-generated jubblies, free of any defect or actual personality to get in the way. Then some idiot in a BMW nearly sideswipes you.

“Oh!” said Cllr Care, “Derby County didn’t get relegated from the second first division to the third first division last year! That’s pretty good, isn’t it? Hold on, I’ll keep looking.”

“No, actually, Derby County are shit,” said a councillor for Swansea. “We kicked their arses 1-0 last weekend. And we’re going to have an Internet poll to name our new bypass offramp AOL Blockage, Slashdot Chicane, Numa Numa Nook, Goatse Gap or Tubgirl Pass. And cachau bant ti cachu mes, as we say to the tourists from Derby looking for local colour.”

AFACT v iiNet: Statement in full from the losing party

TIN PAN VALLEY, The Matrix, Wednesday (N! News) — Film companies today expressed their disappointment that the Federal Court found that iiNet was not using orbital mind control lasers to encourage copyright infringements by its customers on its network.

Sad toilet in snowDespite findings of copyright infringement by iiNet customers, pirate flags in their front yards and downloaded cars in their driveways, iiNet did not authorise the acts of its customers, merely sitting back and watching the tens of dollars rolling in to feather their own nests at the expense of the poor beleaguered major record companies and film studios.

Australian Federation Against Copyright Theft executive director, Neil Gane, said he was disappointed by the Court’s decision. “Today’s decision is a setback for the 50,000 Australians employed in the film industry, who work hard to send money to America as fast as possible. But we believe there’s something not quoite roight about this ruling — it was based on a mere technical loophole centred on the court’s interpretation of what the law technically says in actual words and original intention, rather than what it should say. That the judge told us several separate ways in which our case failed utterly to make any sense at all is clear evidence of radical judicial activism and dangerous legislating from the bench.

“We are confident that the government does not intend a policy outcome where zombie hordes of drooling open source copyright terrorists led by the evil genius Michael Malone are allowed to continue feasting upon the flesh of the living via the iiNet network.

“We will now take the time to review the decision before seeing if we can bribe enough federal politicians to get a law more to our liking.”